sighz...another chinese new yr, that, doesnt belong to me. I think, in my memory...my last real chinese new year stopped in the year of 1999. it's the last one that i spent in beijing, and so was the last one which i felt chinese new year is really something like a festival. the CNY in singapore are always like any other days in my life, nothing special at all. I felt as if im the 3rd party...watching people busy preparing for their festival...without feeling...kind of numb to this..like...whenever people tell me,"heyz...mo, chinese new year coming! so excited!"...then i'll be...'yar..it's coming..but so what?' ...i thought i'm fully integrated into this society but actually, im wrong, i still feel i dont belong here, but sadly, i dont feel i belong to beijing either, this few yrs when go back to beijing, it seemed to get more and more foreign each yr...ha ha ha ha ha...suddenly felt im unwanted.ha ha ha ha...never mind....
and wanted to mug today...but ended up sleeping...was quite troubled last night....
ysd while was chatting with my friend online...reached to a point of final realisation...duno if im right to describe it this way...was talking to this guy who's my very good friend...got to know him in sph and he's the sunny...cheerful...funny type....ha ha...a very pleasant guy. had a very good impression of him when we first met. but took him as a normal friend. and as time passes...we became gd friends and i start to tell him some of my secrets and problems...including me liking [the him in nj]. and he was really very nice, kept consoling me and cheering me up...a nice guy really....i thought we are just friends....
and then ysd....he told me he's attracted to me...to my character for quite a while alr. he said that we shld meet earlier, then his girlfriend wont be 'her' now and i will like him instead of [the him in nj]. i tot he was joking and said so i said,'yar...may be i shld like guys like you, more straight forward...easier for me' then he said that never mind..we can catch up now....then slowly, it kind of became clear that he's not joking. and....he asked me out. i am confused, i duno how i feel.sometimes things are so funny, i dun like such complications but nothing's simple in life. simplicity is just another form of complex ideology isnt it? sighz...so now im stuck here, duno to conitnue to 'an lian'[the him in nj] which i know will definitely end up still as 'an lian' cos he'll never like me, but at least, im quite sure i like him, have very strong feelings towards him...or shld i accept the other guy, at least, if i do that, i find one who likes me more than i like him, and, it might well be developed into a 2 way relationship cos i can slowly cultivate feelings towards him. but the qn is, is it fair to him? can love be cultivated? can we really catch up the 'lost time'?
i dun want to react too fast, cos i've used to be a passive partner in several relationships and the sense of guilt follows. and this case is kind of special, cos it's not at all arranged by my parents...and..he was my friend initially...friendship....sometimes can be more impt than love and probably it's the very reason why i dun want to tell [the nj him] that i like him, cos it ruins the friendship...when the purity in friendship diminishes slowly...the core of it will get rusty and slowly corrode away.....
cofusion...sadness...im trapped in all these..........
