sighz...thought that after so long, i would have gotten over him but reality proves me wrong. I think im more and more into him. the past 2 months has been exciting and tiring. I duno why, everytime i see him stressed or tired, i felt the pain. and still, as usual, i cant do much to help him. And i think, we've became closer friends. However, that does not help in anything, i am as unwilling to tell him as i used to be. even though more people got to know about it, i am determined to let him wait till the last min. i hope, this will make him feel something. ok, i am going to do my art course work, and use it to reveal my love for him to him. i bluffed him into agreeing to be my model, i know he's just being nice. and so by now i can legally make sketches of him, and do my course work freely. My course work will probably be an installation, portratying a strong girl's image but when you walk into her heart, you'll realise that she actually has this soft spot and this soft spot is him. i am going to build an environment, a big challenge for me but somehow, i feel excited to do it. tuesday i made a plaster facial cast of him, having him to make great sacrifice, cos it's definitely a very good experience having loads of liquid plaster on ur face and feel it hardening and feel the heat given out, and then later getting ur hairs plucked out together with the plaster cast. well, he's nice enough to do it for my art. thanks so much, but i think, he's just being nice and no more other things.
sigh....
and then on wed, which is vday, i asked my friend to pass him a sunflower, nicely nicely wrapped, with nice ribbons....sighz...heard from my friend that he looked very surprised but was very polite and thanked her. well, 'surprised'...i duno what it means....open ended....
sometimes i feel that im like a porcupine...really, like what mr lee said...a porcupine. but he only knew half...yes, im like a porcuppine, full of sharp,destructive spines, always ready to protect and defend myself. people see me as aggressive creature, but they fail to consider the fact that it is always the most vulnerable creature that will try desperately to find security for themselves and likewise, i am not as strong as i seem to be, not as confident, not as courageous....i am merely trying to make a safety shield for myself using the spines.... and now, i've met a guy whom im willing to do anything for him, including plucking off all my spines. With all my spines, he cant go near me, and so i plucked off my spines, one by one, trying to change myself, with the sacrifice of the very thing that i treasured...and then...i am afraid...when im finally free of any spines, exposing my flesh, most inner self, the answer that awaited for me is a 'no'. and by that time, i would have no more spines to shield me, no more castle for me to hide, no more...nothing...nothing to protect me...and then, it will be the eventual destruction of me.
silly girl, someone use to say....what will you say to a girl who's willing to be silly and be....destroyed...?
silly.............i am just, not, good enough, for.........him
