今夜无风，我心却荡漾

也不知道为什么深夜里还在想他。母亲不在新加坡，第一次，第一次有了一种被放飞的感觉。第一次，可以毫不顾忌地想他了。爱一个人真的好难。人活着一辈子，总会认为上天已安排好了那个将来会与你相爱的人，会毫不吝啬地把他送到你的面前，可是，月又阴晴圆缺，人有悲欢离合；有情人，最怕有缘无份。也许，我和他就是这样吧。这份积攒在心中许久的感情，不知何时才能散去？也许，也许，它将永远随着我，无论将来我会再爱上谁，这心中，永远会有一个角落是属于他的。

18年前
在父母对儿子的期待中诞生

童年
是被父亲视为儿子一般地培养中成长的
跟随父亲的信仰成为一件很重要的事
于是
6随便似懂非懂地读起毛选、马列主义
被训练对战争纪录片产生浓烈的兴趣
被送进以爱国主义教育为重点的小学
10岁以前的我，完全唯父亲马首是瞻，那时候，它使我生命中第一个也是唯一的“男人”。他是我眼中的英雄....

后来，我也开始了追星族的生涯。
不同的是
我所追的“星”，是个我很敬佩的实力派中年演员
我与其他的女学生追星族不同
我不疯狂
就是喜欢他那淡淡的微笑，他的清高、典雅、脱俗。他那渊博的学识，那优雅的举止，那琴棋书画无一不能的一身本领还有他那一刻炯热的爱国之心。。。
想他的时候，会随感而发
写下一篇优美的感文
不知不觉当中，已经喜欢他7年之久。
自我十一岁那一年，我人生中的第二个男人出现了
陈道明
一个令我梦魂牵绕的名字
只是
还是一场梦
一场圆不了的梦，他是只可远望，不可近观的这么一个人

少年时期
我已然是个姑娘
拥有了自己的看法和思想的我
就像是一只断了线的风筝
渐渐地于父母远去了
思想上的放纵带来的是行为上的叛逆
把我送来新加坡是我父母一生中最大的败笔！
在这里
我的心灵受到了污染
看到了
人性的丑陋
社会的黑暗
信仰的败落
国家的腐败
嗅到了
钱的铜臭味
体会到了
什么叫
刻骨铭心
明白了
爱一个人的痛苦
更何况
爱的是一个决不应该爱的人！
就在我渐渐成长为女人的时候
我生命中的第三个男人出现了
呵呵
真是可笑
他是我摸得找看得见的一个人
却也是我永远捉摸不透，
永远爱着却不敢告知的人

我敢对爸爸说：“我爱你！”
我敢对陈道明说：“我爱你！”
我却
不敢对他说出这简单然牵人心弦的这三个字！
我是个懦弱的人！
我不说，是怕说了以后，或许大家连朋友都作不成了呀！！
那将是我最不想看到的局面。

在以后的岁月里，我将珍存着这份还未开花便已逝去的感情。
哈哈哈哈哈哈。。。为何这人世间会有情爱？
你知道吗？
这世界上最遥远的距离
不是
生与死
而是
我就站在你面前
你却不知道我爱你....

爱上了不该爱的人，放弃吧！

年轻人说，爱情是两只好斗的小刺猬，冷了知道抱在一起暖和，却被对方的刺扎得直跳脚。抱着肉疼，离开心疼，爱情的锦袍被他们的流弹打得千疮百孔。
老一代人说，生活像是一锅粥，爱情则是炉灶里的柴；抽出了木柴，人生就变得没滋没味。横鼻子竖眼睛、吵吵闹闹了一辈子的夫妻，临了才发现最爱的还是对方。
这些是过来人对爱情的看法....而我呢，我要怎么办呢？
当时光列车载着爱情远去，我是该骑着白马奋力追赶，还是在孤灯下深深思念？
不明白为什么把这个男人这么当回事，他比自己小，身材不好，长相也不济。可是这些一点都削弱不了他的魅力。他生活里的样子实在太迷人了。真希望他能对我好一点，不要总把我不当成一回事。对我好一点，哪怕是短短的一天也好。很多次想要放弃，毕竟，如果公开，这将是不为世人所接受的一段孽缘，而且是单方面的感情自始至终。真是好笑，我曾经是多么骄傲的女孩呀！我并不是个拿得起、放不下的女孩儿，但这一次...从未如此眷恋，在心中的那一片长空，什么叫铭心，什么叫不舍，再平常的所在，也可成为心中的永远。
生
是为了证明
爱
存在的痕迹
火
燃烧了谁的爱？

不只是从什么时候开始，他令我感到害怕，这种又爱又怕的滋味让我不知道该怎么面对他，也许。。。也许，离别的时候真的到了。
心，从来没这么乱过，我是那种在感情上很霸道的女孩子，这是第一次被扔到浅滩上，上不去也下不来。想爱一个人，而这个人却根本不合作。我也明白这是畸形的爱情，是不会有结果的。可是爱情已经生出来了，我拿它毫无办法，爱让我克制不住地想他。想一个人这真不是一件好事，我特别害怕想他想出习惯来，将来想改都改不了。可是，爱情是稀少的，碰上了未必抓得住，运气不好一辈子也碰不上。。。算了，该放手了。
我知道他讨厌我，但他这样的人根本不配有人爱。我不知道他有过什么样的感情，但是我敢保证，他以后再也遇不到他想要的那种感情了。像他这样的人就应该挖一个坑把自己埋起来，旁边再竖个牌子：此处文物有待出土！

算了，去喝喝酒，让自己大醉一场，痛痛快快地哭一次，忘了他，忘了曾有过的许多幻想。让一切随风飘走吧。让时间去洗涤一切，让自己麻痹到死，也许。。。不，我很肯定，这辈子，不会再有这样刻骨铭心的感觉，但，我会过得很幸福，没有他，我也会过得很幸福。面包会有的，爱情也会有的！以后，要找一个爱我的人，我不要再去爱别人，爱一个人，真得好累。

这辈子，不会告诉任何人这个第一个真正走进我人生，真正征服了我的心的男人是谁。会让这个秘密，一辈子跟着我，进棺材，进骨灰馆。他，永远不会知道！

敢问
人世间情为何物？
只叫人生死相许！

finally funtasia is over!!!!!

wow...i think im really a very lazy girl...i only post once in a month or something...but actually my life is really very packed and exciting and tiring and hectic and anything but no where near to slack...so actually i should have a lot to write but you see...if i cant even manage to finish my hw...how am i gg to have the time to write blog?? well...so...funtasia is over, my class made a very big success earning $1900++...really it's a huge achievement considering that we sell very small slices of cheesecakes and milkshakes that were not shaked well...anyways....it's juz fun. Saw Mr Chia and Junzhan in dark room....they are very fun people...seems that im really going to get the dark room manager job...then muz really go and learn the stuff inside...like how to use the equipments so as not to lose my face nxt yr...and...the funtasia report is up in the newspaper...and mr Too is happy, Ms Woon is happy im happy everyone's happy...life is so tiring...so hard to make everyone happy...sigh...watched Davinci Code with Karen...the movie itself is not nice enough...not as good as the book...but still i love it cos it made me see Paris again...how i miss last year's London and Paris trip! this year another one coming up...with NJ art people and Mr Lee...i duno...my mum say i can go but i juz dun feel like gg...cos we'll be like the odd ones cos Mr Lee will concentrate on the yr 2 people and so we yr1 people will juz follow behind...so irritating, unlike last year, where with mr low, we were the emphasis...sigh...im juz weird....june holi's gg to be very busy for me and my mum is leaving for bejing today, leaving me alone here in Singahorrible! irritating, im not gona survive lorhz!....

Life is so miserable...

sigh...it's been a long long time since i last blogged. I was really ultra busy for the past...say 20 days? there's super loads of things waiting for me to complete! there's Lit Varied accessment, Hist VA, art VA, which is the art journal and many more outside stuff like the report on the coming funtasia and the suddenly "pop up" thing like the report on infocomm connect dialogue session, life is juz very hectic for me for the past 2 wks....i cant seem to complete anything! and last tues we tried oil painting...i dont really like it and i ended up getting myself "painted". And it wasn't even my fault la! bloody hell! last time in DHS when i dirty mysel it was all my own fault cos i keep dropping either my paint or my brush or my palette but this time, this bloody time, i was dirty because the wooden board was dirty! sucker! im becoming more and more unhappy with NJ AEP now...sigh...it's inevitable, Ms LU is just so!!!! i duno wad to say, she simply pisses me off whenever she does sth, it's like, why cant she plan her lessons well???? almost every weekend i'll receive some smses to tell me to bring some stuff for art lesson on mon. But why cant she tell us on fri's lesson and get us all prepared la?? like for this time, she smsed us on sun to tell us to bring a cardboard for lesson without telling me wad the hell she's gg to do with it. then later came out that she's gg to let us do oil painting and use it as palette. walao, if she had tole me earlier i would have brought an extra shirt with me so as to not to dirty my uniform! and i got home, scolded by my mum. im juz dead la, my parents alr. disapprove me of doing art and now im like1) spending almost all my time on it. 2)spending loads of $$ on it. 3)not sure that if im gona score cos of the art hist. 4)dirtying everything because of it!!!!

wadever Ms lu did, intentionally or unintentionally, juz made my life even more difficult and my future in art to be even dimmer. ha, my only passion and she's helping to destroy wad little im left with, the little self i have preserved for myself, im juz a very sad person...trapped and lost, sometimes i'll wake up in the middle of the night thinking where i am and why am i still living in this world. I ought to be dead, my life is of no meaning, everyday doing stuff to satisfy others....i try not to succumb to outside pressures but i always fail...ha...how interesting. wad i am left with, is only art, i want it, im desperately holding onto it, the little meaning i can find from my life, is thr. doing art. the fulfillment simply thrills me. it's hard to explain. but im very scared now, it's as though im losing it, ha, im losing the only thing that i care the only thing that i can really fall in love with and the only thing i can really hate(emotionally)...well...im juz losing it......

Greenlink

was doing the greenlink exhibition prep. found some funny pics.

final art poster!

God damn it! im so sick of art, the collage essay is driving me nuts, the varied assessment is killing my cells and the art club+art festival thing simply makes me mad!!!!! sigh...art....i love u but u are driving me nuts!!!!!!....wad a paradoxical way of thinking! may be im really mad!

...and to think im gg to act as the "artvaider" in the pubstun! sigh....sugar!

monday nj will see me as the love sick "flower girl", im gg to lose all my face!

Busy

Busy!!!BUsy!!! gg to be BUSY for the next few wks...!!!

im so super pissed today!!!

i cant believe this! first is the stupid greenlink thing...as far as yesterday night junying was still telling me abt today's meeting and asking me whether am i gg. then today, while i was on the bus like 5min away from NJ, hongyi smsed and asked if i know the meeting was cancelled? How on earth would i know that it was cancelled? it was still in effect yesterday night!!! and then i got to know that it is because many ppl cant make it by today so they decided to change the meeting date. What the hell they're thinking??? i hate this type of ppl, why cant they inform us earlier? not like 5mins early???
then i rushed to sph, cos im supposed to meet them at 9am to discuss abt the coming "huixun", but then it turned out to be a total waste of time too!! cos many ppl came, the senior batch and us, the 21st batch. we just couldnt understand each other!!! the seniors were talking among themselves and whenever we've got some ideas they'll "kill" it before it was given any chance to develop further. we didnt even come up with any theme today, the meeting lasted until like 1pm? and we were so damn frustrated la, the seniores are so damn proud and arrogant! talk to us like we are some ignorant kids like that, i know we are new, not experienced enough but its not like they are very much better...only one batch older than us, it's not that i dun like them throwing away our ideas but they muz at least come up with better ideas right? and they didnt even try to make an effort to understand what we said, so many of a time, they are just either repeating what we said or adding on to what we said. and happily thinking that they came up with better things....the hell they think they are man! walao, it's not like im so "good for nothing" la! hey ppl, im also got "contents" one ok. and nxt sat i'll definitely not be there man! wad a waste of time man!!!

Mad wangmo and her mad teachers

ok, i finally finished my changed poster...duno whether it is good or not...but who cares, ms lu wont ever like any of my designs...sigh..when are we gg to start painting? i miss paint man! i dun think i can paint already, becoming rusty liao!and still got the stupid illustrator hw,why i install liao still cannot use?????? whywhywhywhywhywhy!!!!??????sigh...

yeah,i was quite busy for the past few days, but actually busy for nothing,didnt do anything useful or significant...but wed was quite a funny day, Math lesson only got me went for the lesson, so the tutorial became like only me and the teacher, how funny, like an one-one tuition class...haha, the rest went to the wrong class and my phone "died"-no batt, so cannot contact them...sigh...then yesterday i duno why i just dun feel like gg fot GP lessons so i just decided to pon the double GP, in the end for that whole day i only went for math and lit tutorial and one PW lecture...these are the things that can only happen in JCs, i cant imagine it happening in DHS..hahaha...so slack...

sighsighsigh...aiyo...my pw PI is gg no where, still got no plan for my 2nd draft...and my tcher say photography is not visual arts! walao! the hell she knows abt visual arts man! cant stand these ppl who dun know art then still act as if they know. my pw tcher is an old woman, not so old la, middle age. She got some problems, she cant seem to be able to listen to others...whenever i want to say sth, she'll open her mouth...she dun let me explain wad's my proposal and she dun understand it and she juz keep saying things that are not relevant! and she really need to improve on her handwriting, write like 天书 like that, who can read????sigh...all teachers are mad, maybe in diff ways.
Mr Low(previous Art)--no need to say, very mad..not normal at all, shld be sent to mad ppl's hospital immediately...
Mr Lee(ARt)--mad too, an juz suddenly can be damn serious then suddenly can joke with u, and hor, he can just yell out of no reason, and call ppl "idiots" and call me "神经病"and "猪头饼"。。。
Mr Whitby(Lit)--wow, this one is really mad, unpredictable, when he teach he will make funny sounds, use funny puns, and even "act" out what he mean...and sometimes speak some weird British+Singlish accent Singalish slang like "zhina(china)"and things like that, somemore he knows how to cook, how to do make-up(i think he got a degree for it),how to do handicraft and knows embroidery also...what a talented,mad old man...(but he's damn good lit tcher)
Ms champagne(Lit)--she's got character...middle age woman, who likes modern literature and calls cambridge lit markers names cos she thinks that they are basically a bunch of old,stubborn,snoobish,old-fashioned,prim,stuffy animals who only regard shakespearean texts as real literature. They once said sth like:"there's no real lit text written aft 1930s." so wad are the poets and writters who wrote things btw the period of 1940s till now doing? and as for Ms champagne..her name is so mad, i wont be surprised if i ever get a tcher whose name is Ms Wine...
Ms Lu(Art)--whoa...this one is mad, really, got character...very independent youngwoman,and unpredictable and temperamental too. and she's got very punk fashion sense, got holes everywhere i think, not only on her ears...and her clothes are like...duno...u'll never find another one in the entire whole world. I suspect she design and made them herself,and art tchers are mad la...
Mrs Mary Lim(GP)--haha, this little old lady...67 liao still went for commonwealth game, representing singapore...got passion...very active..madmad...haah！！！
Ms Suhaili(SEA History)--my civic tutor, SEA history tcher...she's not normal too, i think she believes in individualism, hehehe, if she happy then she come to sch, if she rmbs, she goes for lesson, but most of the time she dun feel like coming to sch and dun rmb to go for lesson, her attendence is almost less then 50%, mad mad...
Ms Chan（math tutorial tcher)--mad mad too, always on diff frequency, we ask abt this she answer abt that then we think she'll scold us for this thing in the end she scolded us for another thing...she's also middle age liao, she's been in NJC for more than 20yrs liao, sigh...i think when women grew old, they becomes detached from this world and live in their own worlds, cannot seem to understand a single thing we talked abt.and she always makes mistakes such as copied the wrong question..or minus wrongly or plus wrongly...and worse of all..the worksheets she gave us most of the time many answers are wrong, and sometimes she has to change to question too.(now she learnt the lesson...she dun put in answers liao)
Mr Chew(山羊胡子）(math lecturer)--he worse, the math lecturer, he every time talks abt the history of math. i rmb the 1st lecture he talked abt the hist of math, then 2nd he talked abt the hist of completing the squares, 3rd he tlaked abt the history of inequality...then no time to teach finish he juz rush thr. the really useful stuff...i hope the next lecture he wont talk abt the hist of differentiation...mad mad tchers

and of course im mad tooooo......

PE is killing my cells man! i shall protest!

Well, i did this poster for the NJC art festival thing...first wk of May...the "Farrago" thing...then i do until i didn't even do my SEA essay on philippines!!!!!!! then today ms lu told me to REDO!!!!!wad the hell??? look nice then can already, why she so ma fan??? and the stupid illustrator hw! and the stupid photoshop shit thing! whywhywhy??? ok...shall not dwell on this question for too long or else i'll need the the mental hospital's hotline no. liao la!






and i cant believe this! tues timetable change to friday timetable which means i have 2 pe lessons consecutively!!!!oh my god!!!im not gona gg to survive it, my pe today was really horrible! 4 rounds around the track and all sorts of funny stretches as if im made of rubberlike that!but in the end it did made me feel as if i grew "longer" aft the stupid pe! when i go for pe that time it was damn sunny, so i prayed for the rain..and when i started running...i danced at the same time...(the dance that the african tribal ppl always try to do to pray for rain). I danced and ran...1st round....still sunny...i danced and ran...2nd round...there's wind coming...i danced and ran...3rd round...dark clouds showed...i danced and...finished dunning..."huahuahua..."it started raining!!!!!!i cant believe this!!!!it started raining the minute i finished running! what logic is this? the hell is god doing man???walao!!!!but im so sorry for the other class, they had to run in the rain! and it wasn't drizzles but downpour!!!! i'll surely get fever aft that lor!! cruel pe tchers! and tmr......i hope tmr never comes!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

And after pe my whole body was like, duno, made of duno wad stuff la, juz felt very heavy and for once im not that active and lively for GP. got back my GP work, i scored the top in class with a score of 7/10 when the average was 4!wahahaha! it was a "rewrite the sentence" excercise...

and got back pw PI roo, the tcher thinks that im too ambitious in the sense that i deal with a problem too big for me...this sounds formiliar...wait...mr low got say this before...when im deciding for my olevel course work theme...or maybe even earlier...cant rmb! whywhywhywhy? i spent so much time on it!!!!the hell is world turning man!!! im gona ...duno wad im gona do!!!

achievements of the wk

so 2day is nearly the end of this wk, i wana see how much i've completed from the list of "wad to dos"
1) i finished whtby's poem
2)i finished SYF write up
3)read the lit text" the lesson"
4) finished math hw but didnt revise
5)did the research on the bloody damn greek tragedy thing
6)half half for world hist....
however...there are many new things that came up so i did them first...
1) design poster for NJC art festival "Farrago"
2) design the movie ticket
3)design the logo
4) do the 4 frame shit art hw
5)pw PI
emmmmmmmm....so all in all, i've done sth this wk, really! wahahaha!
but things left to be completed:
1) history essay
2) reasearch on greenlink -global warming
3)new math hw
4)research on Burma(but this one can wait, 8 may then present)
5) art noted..(not my fault, the bk and reasearched papers all with ms lu, cant do anything)
6) revise math and hist....and lit of course!

walao, Friday!!!

yesterday, another friday, the day that i have 7 free periods and 1 lunch break and 1 break. Or the day that i have 1 pe in the morning, 1 hist tutorial, 1 civics, and wait till 250pm for art until 6.30pm...
i clearly rmb last fri(no, last fri is enrichment wk, no lesson), so it's last last fri. I had only 1 pe at 8.00am and thennnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnn wait for 2.50pm for art, reason?--my hist tcher never come to sch, or maybe, she pon sch, she always do that, and she also happens to be my civics tcher...sigh...
And yesterday, i didnt c her in the morning...and i tot:1 more hist lesson sacrificed...so i decided not to go for that lesson and do my pw pi instead....then until civics...karen smsed"u not coming for civics?" then i replied"is she there? if she's not there im not gg, wana have early lunch? go canteen meet me!"....sigh...im still thinking of food,JC life is really diff, so flexible and free so much diff froom DHS...anyway..another sms came, from karen:"She's there!!!"
Thunder struck me! why whywhywhy??? when im not expecting her then she came??? oh no! my hist lesson!!! is she gg to scold me??? and by the time i step out of library, im alr. 18 min late for civics...nvm...i shall face the music...
then i reached the damn bloody chem lab( our civics venue...bloody right? discrimination against arts students!!!), then i juz walked in and she said nothing! NOTHING NOTHING!!!! whao...im like feeling very weird...why she nv mention abt me nv go for her hist lesson the period before???
Later i got to know why.......
SHE DIDN'T COME FOR HIST AT ALL, ONLY MANAGED TO COME FOR CIVICS.
sigh...i guess i really need to depend on myself for hist liao!

++mr lee laughed at my still image movie, or put it simple, he laughed at me...cos the video is filled by my images, funny, weird images of me, the sole actress....sigh...my "face" and "image" all gone!

Today is crap,crap,crap,crap!

well, in the morning received the news that i my hist techer didn't come to sch again, again, yeah, she always dun come one, she's my civics tutor. And i juz felt quite weird, one more free period, which does not make much diff since im enjoying more than 10 periods of free periods per wk. and hist is basically a self reading sub. and...i think im properbably gg to end up taking this sub's exam without attending more than half of the lessons...sigh...this is NJ, arts students are totally ignored man, do i really look invisible?
so had lit lecture later, to my surprise, a singaporean tcher came in, i always think that singaporean tchers cant make it for it, their sub-standard english really cant teach a sub that requires such a profound understanding of the english language (like lit), anyway, she really cant make it, she conducts lit lecture in the same way as hist! ultra boring, so dull and she peaks in monotone! no stress and unstress! cant be compared to whitby, i wont mind if mr low pulls her to DHS. Well, today we started a bit on "Murder in the Cathedral", a drama, again related to christianity, i really think i shld seriously consider taking up christianity to help in my subs like lit and art hist, so much abt Christ and the bible stories la, i shld begin by buying a bible tmr!
And my is
Well, yesterday i announced to the art class that im officially over mr lee liao, but im not yet actually, cos u cant immediately 4get abt a person or have no feeling for him right? it takes time, anyway,at least im no longer illuntioned. Heard that he's damn popular, many, really many ppl like him, who am i to go after him?? haha, i looked to myself too up alr. eventually i'll end up no where man...oh no!stop thinking of him again! i shld be working on whitby's poem now!

Property! Property! Let us extend
Soul and body without end:
A box to live in, with airs and graces,
A box on wheels that shows its paces,
A box that talks or that makes faces,
And curtains and fences as good as the neighbours’
To keep out the neighbours and keep us immured
Enjoying the cold canned fruit of our labours
In a sterilized cell, unshared, insured

Property! Property! When will it end
When will the Poltergeist ascend
Out of the sewer with chopper and squib
To burn the mink and the baby’s bib
And cut the tattling wire to town
And smash all the plastics, clowning and clouting
And stop all the boxes shouting and pouting
And wreck the house from the aerial down
And give these ingrown souls and outing?
(can anyone help me to make some sense out of it? seriously i think all poets are psycho! only to make our lives difficult!)

New start...

Also got this photo taken during o-level release day, i look horrible
seriously,now when i look back to my o-level reasults, it's really 不堪回首！Well, life is like that, not everything's gg to be nice...
im gonna work hard this year, really hard! Alevel is my last hope now, forget abt mr sng and mr lee, i think it's time for me to get real already. Mr sng and Mr lee already finished their educations and are both considered quite successful in their careers, and if im gg to carry on being infatuated with them im gg to end up no where! from now onwards , today, this second i hereby declare that im officially over mr lee and mr sng!
i shall get serious with my sch work now since i've slacked for the pass 4 months, doing nothing, learnt nothing, gained nothing...
4get about friends and anything leisure, forget abt everything that's not related to studies! i shall be两耳不闻窗外事，一心只读圣贤书的书生！
my work list for this wk:
1) finish my South East Asian 2500 words essay on philippines's nationalist movement
2) finish math hw and revise all that i've learnt for math for the pass 3 months
3)compile my art notes and read thr them and finish the museum thing
4) finish the SYF write up thing
5)research on Burma, and know inside out abt the nationalist movements in Burma
6) finish analysing the poem mr whitby gave me, filled it up with words, and i mean it!
7)do the reasearch on the characteristics of greek tragedy and the function of the unusual aspects
8)read up and know inside out about the history and facts of cold war
9)finish 2 chinese essays
10) read the lit text: The Lesson and try to make some sense out of it
yeah, i think that's about it, 加油加油！

fond memories...

Found these photos, taken last year during graduation day, 19/11/2005,I really miss my days in DHS...

me, carol, turtle and tiff...forever friends gals!

乐观人生be optimistic!

Watched an Italian movie"Life is Beautiful", last wed during the enrichment wk. Very touching, i cried from the beginning to the end, karen sweared that she's not gg to watch movie beside me ever again, she tot im disturbing and irritating. But this is really a good movie, should write sth on it, nowadays ppl are getting more and more pessimistic. This movie teaches you how to maintain positive, optimistic in the worse environment. Sad...to think that i was pessimistic in the morning, juz because of a damn GP hw. Now im organising my art notes, there's a tendency that i'll grow pessimistic again...how...we shld live life happily shouldn't we? how can i be happy? let me think...i think i'll be happy if i...
1) get to date mr lee
2) get to date mr sng
3) able to outtalk mr low
4）grow taller
5) get an A for lit
6) marry a greek guy or a french tmr
7) mrs cheng get transferred out of NJ tmr
8) tell 小泉一郎(koizumi???)he's a piece of shit
9) get to kick myself on the butt
10) get all As for every alevel sub
i like to dream....hehehehe



乐观　　　　　　
乐观　　　　　　
当嘲笑在你背后侵蚀你时，　　
你只当它是一种的嫉妒。　　　　
当叹息声在你脑中盘旋时，　　
你只当它是一种体验。　　　　
因为，　　
人生当中有太多的无奈和挫折，　　
所幸的是我们没有因为这些凡夫小事而丧失了生活的热情。　　
当暴风雨来临了，
我们能引吭高歌。　　
当失败接近了，
我们坦诚面对。　　
即使发生了世界上最糟糕的事情，
我们还是要乐观接受。　　
那么朋友你呢？　　
还会为那朵凋谢的玫瑰而悲伤吗？

GP GP GP, continued bad luck from yesterday

sigh, my mum dragged me up today. sigh, now is 1030am. i realised i 4got to do my GP hw which was supposed to be handed in last last friday. my gosh...to think that the GP teacher called me her"exemplary" student. i miss my previous GP teacher, ms matilda Ang,
she's such a nice, warm, charming little cute teacher. and most of all, she's so pretty! i was mesmerized by her during her first lesson, maybe because i've never seen a single pretty(let's dun talk abt pretty, juz normal) EL teacher in DHS. Think of Ms Yee!!! she refuses to open her eyes in her lesson, and her saliva flies to everywhere, almost every lesson the first row of 4e is basically empty( we have less people we can afford to do that, poor 4f cant). But she's a good teacher, never failed to impress us with her powerful vocab. for a class like 4e, she's the only teacher who is able to use different negative adjectives to describe us during each of her lessons.her words are so profound that we will be ashamed to rebut her with our poor english.she can never run out of vocab. really powerful. and mrs vora, who occationally rmbs that there's a class called 4e still in existence, and occationally steps into this unfamiliar classroom...sigh...they are both good teachers...
I got mrs mary lim as my new GP teacher, a nice n energetic and drama old lady, at the age of 67, she's still interested in sports and she's gone to australia to participate in the commonwealth game last wk. sigh, i think when i reach 67, i will be lying on the bed and staring into space doing nothing, daydreaming maybe. sigh...the only thing im losing now is my own life...
sigh...GPGPGPGP, i think im gg to fail it, at the end of the two years.wad am i doing now??? sometimes i dun really understand myself...nvm...who says u muz understand urself? juz live life the way it is...ok...shld go and work hard for gp now, hope the bad luck doesn't follow...

Shit!

cant believe this, gg to sleep liao then fall for xinni's trick!
i received this sms from xinni: call me, very urgent!
then i called
then she hahahaing there
then she said sth "u really believed ah..."
then i realised wad is it
April fool again
sigh, bad luck today
why!!!!
ARHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH! im mad!!!!!!!!!
i so naive!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

sigh...long time no c again

Sigh, it's e first april fool this year...there's only one april fool right? nvm. im really sad, i appear like a fool. really. in the morning i rushed to pasir ris, to go for the greenlink nature guiding thing, on the bus karen called, when im like 15min away from that damn place i got to know i atually dun really need to go for the bloody thing! okay, nvm, i told karen to wait for me, so she did, and i tot so for the first time karen can wait for me for once. then when i reached karen smsed and ask me to sms her if i reached, then she come find me. so, once again i ended up waiting for her. then another sms came, it says: i was walking walking in the mall then i suddenly got stomachache, give me 3min k?
...got nothing to say, 人有三急,muz forgive her, but her 3 min really quite long...
then went to white sand mall, karen played the stupid April fool game on me. she told me that mr lee was there. made me nervous for nothing. and that's the starting of my horrible day. it started as a mistake.
we went popular later, and then i decided to play this april fool game on mr low, so i smsed sth like: i love u mr low, i love u! wad's the date today? hahaha.
and i pressed contact, then m, then i juz duno why
it
went
to
mr
lee!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
after i send i saw this" message sent to mr lee pheng guan"
i...did sth that made the guy in front of me turn his head and stared at me as if im a runaway from the institute of mental health.
i cant believe i did this
really.
sigh, i duno la
i think i really like mr lee, if not it wont matter so much. but then later i got so duno how to describe my feeling, anyway, i smsed mr low, but really, talking or smsing with him will undoubtedly reduce my lifespan by more than half. he cant talk sense!

well...muz be curious why i came to pasir ris for nature guiding but ended up walking in whitesand mall, i decided not to go, and karen agreed, simple as that. mangrove is not my thing anyway.
then we went lib. didnt know there is an lib. nvm, it stinks, and i duno why i followed karen and went to look at the booklet of "the art of dating"! shit, gone mad. muz be. and she found this very heavy art bk, abt singaporean artists. then duno why we started finding mr low's name in it, although we both think he shouldn't appear there. we keep finding...then cant find. i also duno why i asked karen"do u think mr low got ever win the UOB painting thing b4 ?" then she replied"should be, i tot he said he won loads of art competitions, since he was primary 6...blablabla"..i dun quite rmb liao, we start to salute him aft that, or at least me.
We ate at delifrance, gossip like mad, karen and i are really quite 3 8 sometimes. sigh...y r we like that? we talked abt mr lee, ms lu and mr fatty egoistical low. i think ms lu and mr lee have an affair, they r so...duno how to describe. and both are not that enthu abt teaching art, one is so not concerned the other is so cold. and we discussed and discussed( cos really got nothing better to do) and got to a conclusion that mr low is still the best teacher we've ever seen. very dedicated in teaching, endangered animal.
karen told me she suddenly see this image of mr low with the angel's holy ring on top of his head
then we both blurted out"holy mr low!!"
seriously, consider this 1 over yrs, i really cant thank him enough, for everything,everything he did for me and 05 art class. if it weren't for him, i wouldn't be taking art in jc, and i would have probably dropped out of art last yr july. cant really say how much i am grateful to him, it cant be measured. and i couldnt convey my gratefulness to him properly either, cos whenever i c him i feel like...duno...he juz got a 欠扁face. sigh...i duno why like that, nj's tchers really cant compare to him, art to me was like heaven last yr, even during my depression period, that time although i cry a lot, i still look forward to every thurs. i always go in smiling came out crying but the nxt lesson i still go in smiling...the power of a tcher, if not for him, my L1R5 will be like shit, w/o art then how? i duno if i told anyone, wadever rubbish i said last yr, things like: i hate art, i hate mr low, i wana quit art...etc, they r all not gg to be true this yr. i feel that art has become the centre of my life, and im seriously thiinking of giving up on international affairs and do art in uni. i really love it, eventhough im not really good at it, feel that my art is neither here nor there, not very good in video, or photo or graphic or manga or charcoal or pastel or acrylic or oil or pencil or figure or anything. and im not even creative! but nvm, i love it. and i'll continue. Now i can say this very confidently, with full of pride--"I love art and i will always love it! And i'll contibue with it no matter how hard or boring it becomes!"

Thank u mr low, really cant thank u enough, i know it's a bit too late, i graduated like 4 months liao. but thank u thanku thanku! u r the best teacher in my heart! thank u thank u for inspiring me and make me go ur office and talk to u last yr...i never regreted my decision to continue, u r the one who opened the door for me! sorry to create so much trouble for u. thank u~!!!!

O-levels

today is 11/2/06, just one day after i got back my o-level results. wellyes, yesterday is the day, most impt day in my life so far. I was very nervous in the morning and karen is thesame but we managed to control ourselves. but later we decided to go back to dhs later than xinni them becausewe do not want to know abt our results too early. Then we went to marine parade library first, but on the way mr low smsed karen to congradulate her. I t made me very sad because i tot i scored badly. Then i started crying,when we reach school, i saw xinying, tiff and carol, long time no see friends! and i started to feel better, but the result came out it was a total disappointment for me, well, it is gd enough to keep me in njc, but it is just bad compared to others and karen got 9 A1s! i'm so sad that i did not get my a1 for elit, as in, i put in so much efforts la, and to my surprise i scored b3 for physic and amath, but im still sad so i cried and cried and cried until mr sng and mr low came and mr sng was like saying:"aiyo aiyo, what happend to her?" then mr low was like replying:" she's like that one la, " then i got angry then i beat, or hitted mr low, so hard that i can hear the "bang bang bang" sound! i didnt realise what i was doing until now, my gosh, i hitted a vice-principal!any way, all the teachers were damn worried for me, im like suicidal during that time, mrs vora was like...hahahanvm...anyway, i got a2 for el, a1 for hcl, a2 for emath, b3 for amath, b3 for physic, b4 for chem, b3 for elit, a1 for combined humans, a1 for art, a1 for cl. so L1R5 is 10, worse than my prelim by 1 point. im just sad, sad sad! i keep crying and crying la, until people like mrs vora got so worried for me. anyway, mr low was very bad that day, he said:"when i saw wang mo's results this morning i knew she'll be like this, i already havethe image in my mind, and then just now it's just like a replay like that" i was fuming mad, and when i calm down myself, i started to think, actually to me right, the only subject that is sad for me is only elit, i actuallydid quite well for my other humans and maths and sciences! i mean amath is like from f9 to b3, then physics is like from c6 to b3, quite well done already. for me la, but i still very sad, and i realised that this time for o-level i didn't strategise well, cos last time i got these 9s and 6s, but i got more a1, but i moved my energy to somewhere else , well that is the cause of it...fine...nvm, i'll work hard for my a-level.

mr low really spoiled my day!

well, i went to low's house to bai nian today, everything went well until when we start talking on something....okay, at first we talked about the stupid o-level result thing, and then about our art in nj...and then...i really miss the days we were 2gether, doing our o-level course work...then when we are leaving we started talking abt something, i 4got liao, but i only rmb we saying the teachers in dhs dun like me, lots of ppl dun like me, then i said something like "yeah, yeah i know la, but then shouldn't be so bad rite?" then low said" huh, you don't know meh? should go and fan xing!" then i duno why i just felt really sad, at that point of time my eyes became red and i tot i cannot control already, i tot i'm gg to cry la, but in the end i manage to hold my tears, but then once i'm out of mr low's house i started crying...very sad! Cried uncontrollably! He really spoiled my day!

Tmr gg low's house to bai nian

well, tmr we are supposed to go mr low's house to bainian, but i got pissed off by the art people. Firstly, this bainian thing had nothing got to do with me, cos it was initiated by mab and kind of organised by xinni. But then later i also duno know wad happen i became the person in charge like that, everyone start calling me, some even more xiao, call me to tell mr low what what what( ppl like karen la), i mean, they also got him no. wad, and as if i like to talk to low like that, he's irritating and everyone knows that lor! And then later when we like all settled liao, meet at 12pm, then someone again, has problem liao, cant make it la, change time la, walao! as if i'm their maid is it? can anyhow change is it??? funny, i told them to tell low themselves. Then later i pushed all the job to karen, but then i felt so sorry for karen la...but anyway, i'm juz not happy wif people who either changes things all the time or cannot confirm anything until minutes b4 the thing. People like xinni and vic are the first type while karen and winston and bel are the second type. They really freak me out! Cant stand them, i'm a very principled person, if i confirm something i'll really go and keep my promise and do it, somemore i can confirm things really quick so as not to 'ma fan' others...but there's ppl who are the opposite.

anyway, they are always like that, fine, i duno if i want to go low's house alr. i mean, my 'xin qing' was affected by these things and i'm a person who do things by xin qing one...eya..duno la...y ppl are like that? irritating!
p.s: I did my math hw and art hw, teacher say only do one postcard but i did like 5 hahahaha, duno why i'm so free, maybe cos i slept too much the previous 2 days, then 2day cant slp, so juz paint lor, but they look really ugly, is it cos low no longer there that i cant paint liao???? i'm mad, really!!!!!!!

Well,life is very boring!

Karen, miss talking to you on the phone!

some more A01 photos!

Behind:hanson, shijie. Front: Bryan, me, desmond

06 A01 Photos

Dance Party......we're very high! hahaha

Happy New Year!

happy new year to myself! hahahaha, erm...actually, i slept thr. the entire 2 days, i just dun feel like doing anything, well, i just had a dream, a bad one. I dream that i got back my o-level result, not as gd as i had expected, but still can allow me to stay in NJ, i got 10 points. eya, these few days i keep dreaming about getting back my o-level results, am i mad?
never mind, shld really relax a bit.