PS has always been a source of happiness and bitterness for me for this past 8 months. But recently, i thought it's getting better until the reality proved me wrong. Si jie told me abt the changes made to the camp, in which darkrm session has to be compromised bcos of the college pub thing. I cried, not because of anger, i am quite sure it's not bcos of anger, it's because i felt neglected, hurt, frustrated, undermined, belittled...whatever u want to call that...
And so, i really havent been doing anything as a darkrm manager? people tend to only remember your mistakes, what you've never do, but not what you've done. It's always like that, noboday saw my efforts in trying to acquire the darkrm skills, no one saw me reading the thick notes on darkrm developing late into the night, no one cared about me spending a whole night with the senior to learn darkrm, people simply thought that i dun give a damn about darkrm. perhaps, it's my own problem, all along i have been too sunny and happy on the outside, people think i dun take anything seriously, people think im a joker, they think that im just an insignificant joker whom everyone can just come and step on me just like the way they step on an ant. Like what i've said before, my tolerance level is limited, and i do have a very bad temper, and i hated it when people dun seem to respect me, and yeah, "scraping darkrm session" is a personal insult to my ability as a darkrm manager. I dun want to think too much about it, but any normal person with the ability to feel insulted will feel insulted in such circumstances.
I just duno why am i always the one who's being compromised, sacrificed. Last yr's national day outing, i was the one being forgotten and ended up waiting at the MRT for 1++hr, no one ans my call, no one replies my sms. And this yr, the activity day was changed to monday, and im the one who's deeply affected. and then now the darkrm sessions, ms chan seems to be oblivious to all other exco's imperfections except mine, she is constantly aware of the darkrm not being cleaned, but she's ok with li ang misusing the darkrm equipments and even surf porno websites, she's ok with jiayi being absent all the time, she's ok with everyone else except me. But i really do want to ask her, who the hell says that the DM has to use mop to clean the darkrm? who is the one who told me that web environment will make fungus grow on the lens? Didn't they all see me clearing the mess in darkrm before? but everytime u clear, it gets messed again within a second, and no matter how many times u remind the people to put the equipments back to their original places, no one gives a freaking damn about it. so it is really my fault?
To be honest, i'm done with this cca now. completely done. I've put in so much effort, and in the end im such a failure still. No one seems to get it that im actually the one who loves the cca with all my heart, who the hell is the one who rushes back to nj on mon afternoons from substation just to attend part of the activity and join the exco meeting? who the hell is the one who went for all photo outings and neglected all other appointments? no one seems to care.
When im cleaning the darkrm, i feel so pathetic, i do not even need to bring my own food to my mouth at home, people serve me, i've never touched a mop before and dun talk about kneeling down and clean the floor, my mum will be furious is she knows about that. I am the only asset of my parents, and who can make me lower myself to such levels as to mop the floor? only myself! And now im not at all willing to do it for ps, not at all, it does not deserve it. IT DOES NOT DESERVE IT. It does not mean that shengde mops the floor everyday and so i have to. we are different.
Now i really do feel the club will be better without my presence, i dun think they need me as the DM, they can just employ a cleaner, a maid. whoever. I dun have to lower myself for people who do not know how to appreciate.
it's ok...i cried, and, im feeling much better now. will try to cry less for ps in future, cos it's not worth it, it does not deserve my tears.!
( got back H3 the other 25%, got an A, and my photo "The Forgotten" will be exhibited in the libraries...i forgot which ones..)
