recently i have been thinking of changing my attitude towards life a bit. well, many things happened. i was flipping through my diary yesterday and i saw this:
You know sometimes I juz think that I shldnt live on this earth because it doesn’t realli suit me. I have lots of things to do but I dun have enough time. However at the same time I feel like doing nothing, this kind of contradicting thinking is often unacceptable by this society. But well, who the hell cares about that? I love to dream, just sit there and do nothing but just dream, keep on dreaming and thinking, nothing particularly interesting but just dream. Anyone’s as weird as me? Come and tell me and we might make friends together, who knows? May be I dun really need friends after all.
Wang mo 28/3/07
i think i am really a lonely girl, no matter how many friends i have, i feel as if im constantly alone. think i just couldnt allow myself to put down all my guards and accept anyone totally. Im really tired of living my life this way. I always seem to be very lively, cheerful and crazy on the outside. but no one, no one understands how sad, stressed and scared i am when facing life. I still remember my photog president once said,"dun bluff, you where got stressed? you dun look stressed, i am the one who's stressed...look, i got so much things to do, i have bio test tmr...."
so, one needs to put "i am stressed" on their face for others to see. i dun like to be like this, i do show my emotions on my face however, sometimes i really dun like to keep saying how busy i am. cos i will stress me further. no one seems to understand that actually the crazy wang mo can be busy with some serious stuff too. i have 2 H3s, i have sph things to do, i have to prepare for the coming SAT exam, i have studies to attend to, i have to start applying for overseas universities, i have 3 CCAs of which i am in the exco for 2 of them. I am not busy?? even i cant bluff myself.
people just don't seem to understand me, not that im so desperate for them to understand, i've persevered thus far, i am on a journey alone for 19 years till now, and i think im finally really getting tired of all these. i want to feel the warmth of having real friends too. i want to have someone who cares for me, i want to be together with the one i like. but why all these, which seem so easy for others to get, seemed so difficult for me to obtain? why am i always giving out and have nothing in return? i wonder....
had a very harmonious photog exco meeting on monday, though we just had a "email fight" over the weekend, everyone seemed polite to each other. i dun believe we've solved the problems but at least, we've overcame the barrier of not being able to show smiley faces, now even though im pretty pissed with li ang and jiayi, i dun really go and antagonise them like what i used to do. cos im tired, exhausted, i just want to finish up the remaining 3 more months and try to leave myself as much fond memories of this club as possible. this club has brought me too much sadness, disappointment and anger that im afraid im gona hate it in future, the only good part of it is also the sour part, the part that hurts me deep in my heart, like a knife piercing my heart, the pain is beyond my control....
my life seems to be in a mess now, my common test result was more or less like last year's but while seeing others improve and i am still at my original position saddens me. i think, it's really time for me to clear up my overflowing emotions and concentrate on some practical issues and be pragmatic. i am secretly applying PR now, i think, this is when, i am going to have my split with my parents. but i dun really care now, now i dun really care about anything very much le. i have my life to live, they have theirs, they've dictated my life for more than 19 years and it's time for me to control my own life. but somehow, im terribly scared...terribly scared...arh...im tired...so tired....
