So it's been 2 days since the pw result's release, and here i am, seating in front of my computer screen, still, thinking, about, life.
many things happened in these few days, yes, but im oblivious to all of them. i kind of gave up in everything. it's just that, i dun feel like doing anything. Life hasnt been hard for me for the past 19 years. Since PSLE, to Olevels till now. Things havent been extremely smooth and nice but, no big disappointments. And perhaps, it's the reason why i havent been really serious in thinking about life.
i was born in a family that's not extremely rich but enough to satisfy me, provide me with almost all that i want. But guess im not really the kind of kid who indulges in material life and so i believe i did not add too much pressure to my parents. And, on top of all, im the only child. which means...naturally i get everything my parents earn.
But that's all on the surface, everything looks nice on the surface, i look all sunny and happy on the surface too. who the hell gives a freaking damn about how i really feel? all my parents wants is just fame, and so im supposed to be the tool for them to reach a greater height, so since young, im subjected to their scrutiny. I started going for English lesson at the age of 3, chinese painting lesson at the age of 5, ballet lesson at 6, dining etiquette lesson at 6...i started reading Mao's simple autobiographies at the age of 6...when other kids are playing, im staying at home learning communist theories. My parents just have this perception that their kid has to be the best kid in the world. Championing in every aspect. when they see their friends' kids playing roller blade, they bought it for me, when im only like 8 years old...and when other kids were happily having fun blading, im forced to blade in circles and my parents or their subordinates will count how many rounds i completed for the day. Same for ice-skating and swimming. For ice skating, i was enrolled in the figure skating class, and at a very young age u see me having bruises everywhere due to intensive trainings. and swimming, i hated it because im only allowed to swim in striaght lines, and they'll count the laps...
my parents really only cares about results, they dun give a fucking shit about how i feela and how much efforts i put in, they only want to see the results. and the same applies to the society. looking back to the 18 years what i lived, im really a pathetic kid, teenage. i never really lived my own life at all except for the part that involved art. but even that little bit of passion is wearing away because of the nj art tchers who never fail to discourage and disappoint me every single lesson.
Now i feel that im like a walking skeleton without a soul. floating...everywhere without a purpose, a direction, a motive....and im really sad. people just take me as a spoilt kid, pampered, bad tempered, irrational, stubborn, a mugger who only cares about marks and results. no one, no one, tries to understand me, no one tries to see from my perspective. how i was shaped by my environment, really, i was broken and bent and not even one sympathetic soul somes and give me a bit of warmth..
i have to say sorry to my close friends, because i might have been really a bad friend all along...i have too many problems on my own that i didnt really try to understand you all...but...im really...sighz....let's just try to live, try to survive...try...
