"If I am breathing, every moment is precious.

Every moment is important.

Even the darkest ones. But in questing to open my heart, there are now moments where God steps in, quiets my mind, and awakens my Soul to receive. These are the perfect moments."

Today, is my last day in BGSS and my inner spirit is tired. Too much memories and shards of small grief have worn me down. I'm not fond of being worn down. I prefer to be lit from within by wonder and discovery. I prefer to feel rested and ready to welcome the gifts of each day. I prefer the pulse of creative verve in my veins.


I feel that I am blessed with perfect moments recently. Short spans of time and no time that come upon me suddenly and leave kisses of grace on my heart. These moments are brief. These moments are unexpected. But the beauty and fullness of fleeting, perfect flashes lies in my fairly new ability to recognize them. I'm quite sure I've been privy to these moments my whole life, but the effort I've put into opening my heart has cleansed my lens of awareness, and recognition is now swift.


What I am in the midst of is a shift. Effort in one direction has ended. The pause has arrived. Possibilities are floating into view, but I'm too tired to act on them. For the moment. Flowers and birdsong, decorating notebooks and blogs, ice-cream and cupcakes all call my attention and remind me...the energy of YOUTH will come back to me. Rest a few days, eat well, drink water and the self-revival will rise. Rest, and the spark will be lit. Rest, give energy and love back to myself and my heart will feel at home. Or so I hope.

I. am. overwhelmed by work or grief or the uncertainty of having to let go of the known or unknown, rest.


There comes a point in every life, I hope, when the reasons and excuses and fears to hold back wilt in the mind. There comes a point when it is suddenly pointless to remain in the shadows, to deny dreams and to keep the lid on creative forces that can change your world for the better. There comes a point when you must simply bloom.Pain and grief and exhaustion often bring the reasons for self denial into the grimy, filmy light. You look at them and think, "what the hell am I waiting for"? "Who the hell cares anymore for opinions and consequences? It's my life, dammit, I can do what I want and be who I want".

The pivotal point in a life can come at 12, at 16 at 18, 20, at 40, at 81 and a half. It does not matter when it comes, just as long as it arrives before your last breath shudders out of your lungs. Because freedom rides on the petals as they fall open in bloom. Freedom rides the thoughts and actions that burst the bonds of self-restraint and self-imprisonment. Freedom lies in your choice to live the life you deserve. And you deserve the taste of freedom.
So go to London. Write the fiction book. Fall in love. Be a photojournalist. Get the loan. Walk away from toxic people. Learn to sail. Finish the degree. Open my heart and so what if gets trampled. Open it again. Make this moment or the next moment or 14,532 moments from now the point that pivots my dreams into reality. So I tell myself...

Do not hold back forever. I don't have forever. Bloom soon. Bloom now.

Today is the day I end a short chapter in my life. Today is the day I sow the seeds for a new beginning. Today is the day I reflect. Today is the day I care not for time.

My time pieces are either taken off walls, turned around or covered up. Because I am exhausted from rushing, rushing, rushing through my days and my life. Rushing to meet expectations and obligations. Rushing to be someone I am not. Rushing to please all others but myself.Enough.
Enough, I say.

Today I exist in my own time. I eat, sleep, create, speak or not when I wish to. Let the sky be my clock. Let my heart lead the way from one intrigue to the next. Let me be simple. Let me lie on the floor and stare at nothing. Let me rest in the freedom of no time at all.
Today I live without clocks. Today I surrender all effort. Today I live.

On a side note:

The thing about love.

The question is not whether jy likes me or not. The question is whether I am prepared to love him the way he deserves to be loved. The question is whether I have poured enough love into my own heart, my own being to be filled to overflowing. It is the overflow, the more-love-than-I can-possibly-use-for-myself that will create the lake of love for him to swim in.

There was a saying:

A girl's love is a gift. Her love is a grail. Her love is the jeweled chalice that receives the purified elixir of the heart in touch with itself. The heart that knows love starts at its own center and ripples outward. The heart that honors itself first, knowing from experience how best to honor another heart with love.

So, the question is never whether the love without is enough. It is always whether the love within is enough. If it is, if there is love to spare and share and fill the lake, there is no question.

And...today I live without love.