Photo shooting...

hoooohooooohahahahaha...today im in good mood i guess...really. ha ha ha

Oh well, not exactly a very very productive day, but i did do something fruitful today. Academic wise, since i finished mr whitby's powm analysis ysd, this morning i had a pretty good time during his lesson...wahhhhh....the feeling of having my hw completed is so so so good!...And i finished Differentiation revision questions with Jensen, ha ah ha...have a sense of accomplishment! Imagine that i was a person who only did 2 tutorials for math for my 1st 3 months in NJ and then later din do any until now...hahahaha...pro siah! I still got B for math lehz...wahhhh...born clever man!:P:P:P:P:P

(by the way, jensen is so funny, he smsed me ysd night" Ah ha...Before i forget...Today is your Birthday izit?"...then i was like "HUH!??"...my bday is 19th march laz...then he "oh...Wow! must have seen something wrongly somewhere...Haha"...hahahaha...blur king...but he's really a nice guy, at least he rmbs my bday in a diff way...i dun blame him cos i never told him my bday and i was not close to him until recently...sigh...he's so nice, give me math tuition 2periods a week, without him i couldn't have gotten B for Math this CT...sigh...how i hope the one that i like is him...too bad, the guy that i like din even rmb my birthday even after i told him many times...oh well...im so used to it...)

PE played soft ball, the ball is so hard la, shall call it "hard ball" myself, got bad experiences of having it hit my head before when i was sec1 in DHS...oh well...but today hongyi say that my catching skill very very good. ha ha...

oh yeah, let mr loh signed my CIP forms..he's so so so so so cute and funny, next year after i graduate then im no longer his "student" then we can be normal friends, ha ha ha, then like years down the road, i can still bully him, and then by that time if i beat him he cant complain anymore...ha ah ha...

then later took photos of Jiayi...today i very happy, so i kept calling him "xiao pang" ha ha...keith put on make up for him...he's extremely reluctant la. and he said it's the first time in nj that he was being put on make up. Even for performances he refused to put on. then he said he sacrificed a lot. hahaha...idiot...but he really looked very cool during the photo taking...hahaha...and we laughed throughout...think he likes cheryl hahaha...cos when i told him i called cheryl to come down to look at his face then he kept saying that he will kill me...and during the photo shooting...he kept secretly looking at her...hahaha..but never mind la, he's a big flirt...not the first day i know him, and cheryl is nice...everyone's nice...haahha...hope he can laugh and smile like this everyday...

feel like im walking in the rain....

today it rained, rained again, im not sure if it is the weather or just me, i've been feeling really emo recently, very not like me. Last time, when i laugh, i will really totaly throw the unhappy things to the back of my head, but now...it seems that those things that trouble me will always manage to linger ard, i cant seem to get rid of them...

it was scheduled that im suppose to take photos of jiayi playing piano and violin today. But then in the afternoon i suddenly lost the feeling of taking the photo. I duno, when i smsed him to ask when he's free, he said after 5pm. And im a little bit unhappy because i did not expect it to be so late, but perhaps he has more important things to do? okay, yeah, heard that he has strings handover ceremony today...oh well, but then when i told him i want keith to put make up on him, he said " the make up part will discuss later can?" oh well... feel so damn sian after that, then after the house session i was sitting in the canteen with karen, and he came, and he put his bag just beside the table that im sitting ,(round tables at the linkway) then he din say hi, so i din say it too, by the time i want to grab him and say something, he went off. ha ha, this is call not fated. Anyway, later xinni and keith both thought that 5+ is too late and so i took the excuse and called jiayi to cancel the shooting. He asked " ok, but hey, what happened?", i said nothing, but duno why i felt like crying. well, sin noe that when im feeling sian, i can feel sad too...then while i was on the bus home, this overwhelming feeling of sadness juz overpowered me...sigh....nono, i din cry, ever since someone called me a "crying baby", i have refrained from crying, no matter how sad i felt...and i think i've became stronger....or...is it? i feel like im walking in the rain, a good song cheryl, exactly what im feeling right now...

oh well, mum is on the phone, quarrelling with my china relatives in china, i wonder why she never cared about the long distance call costs. she like is trying to get my cousin over to singapore, cousin on her side, i dun like all of them. The oldest one is a big flirt, dun like to study, the yonger cousin is useless la, only know how to spend money, a guy who's 19 alr. still dun dare to speak in front of people, his parents paid like not less than 150000 china bucks for his education la, not the sch fee, but the donations to his pri, sec, and high sch. sigh...and the last one, only know how to eat and eat. a whole family of idiots just like my mum herself, proud, arrogant, spendthrift, superficial and well...one good point is that they are all healthy...-_-''' sigh....now my mum want the oldest cousin to come to spore, what the hell la, i dun want! he like will definitely create problems! and his family poorer than mine, and i bet he will live on my mum and dad like leeches! walau eh! he's useless la, cant contribute anything, i dun want to see my parents spending a single cent on him! all those bloody money i rather donate to other poor kids in the village, at least they can use the money to study and do useful things! idiots! and my mum helped him paid a few k sing bucks alr, then now he like trying to cheat, walau eh, complicated, anyway, i hate him, hate my mum's family! and later i bet my mum's gona any find an excuse and scold me cos she not in good mood cos of the stupid cousin! wad the hell! she's on the phone for 2+hrs alr....

arhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh

wahahaha...mon and tues...

yesterday's art was not very progressive, cos he was there for most of the time, i concentrated too much on him. They had exco meeting, and he juz seemed so so so capable, i was happy for having voted for him, even if i dun like him, i will also vote for him, he's so much better than the vice pres, he like list down things one by one and say things in a very concised way. Short and sweet but then right to the point. I love his style...anyway...at the end he reached a point where he said shall be kept within the 4 walls...then i felt so out of place, and then jian hao and i went out of the room. ha ha...oh well...i partly know what he's gona say, but haiya, anyway...he told me abt it when we were at the busstop.

and he was quite worried for cheryl...and asked me again if i had talked to cheryl recently..he was so funny, never seen a more sensitive guy than him, he said that he dun have the habit of initiating conversations with others and esp with girls, cos he scared people will get the wrong signal..like he has some ulterior motives like that...then i was like "huh?"...and then got "thunder strike"...walau eh...when i went home i asked him online...i said sth like "since i always initiate conversations with u online, then does it mean i "an lian" you???!!" ha ha ha...and think u know the ans la, of course he denied la....arhhhh...

then...oh yeah...andrea tan said ms chua will sit in for tmr's gp...and i think i shld not anyhow talk...shall remain silent...ms chua's my lit tcher lehz...and well...juz dun feel like giving andrea tan face...she ruined my gp...

and then today's art...went ard taking photos of myself...got stung by mosquitoes...at least 5 times..:(:(...but hard work was paid off...got quite a few not bad photos...heehee...thanks mab and karen!

oh yar...darkrm air con is fixed! ha ah...but it's so funny...the remote control is still spoilt...so now they have to use a stick to poke the switch button...lucky longhao is tall enough...but ms chan very funny...she like say that jiayi needs to stand on a chair and use a longer stick...wahahahahahaha....

oh well...tmr muz work harder...all tchers are constantly reminding me that prelims is less than 4wks away....

stressssssssssssss!!!!!

What matters more - Our abilities or Our choices that we make !!

I was just watching Harry Potter and the chamber of secrets(ok, i admit im wasted time which i should be using to do my Alevel revision..but...) and came across the dialogue which gave me a whole lot of food for thought.

At the end of the movie there is a scene where Professor Dumbledore (Michael Gambon) delivers a class dialogue to Harry Potter (Daniel Jacob Radcliffe) in which he mentions - "It is not abilities that show what we truly are, it is our choices".

Next moment it made me realise each one of us possesses - Abilities to create what we believe about ourselves and life but the choices we make, create all the difference. Thus it made me realize that to make a choice is all part of the plan of humanity to determine a person’s character and strengths. Choices play the most important role in making personal decisions about relationships, education, and life overall. If humanity was living without the option to make choices, our lives as people wouldn’t really be fair.

The ability to make choices while we exist in this world determines who we are or what we do with our life. It is a great gift given to us that we as humans are free to make our own choices in, from anything to everthing - whether it is relationships, education or basically everything that has to do with our being human.

Well this is a huge big topic to ponder on, this very moment my mind is mingling up with one more question - What do I feel about - A Choice in Life Choices ! ! ! and much more.....Well will speak about it in days to come.....

it's my fault...suddenly the sky becomes clear.

Someone emailed me this....no doubt he is angry, but what he wrote here, are mostly facts, he simply wrote what he wanted to say but did not say for one whole yr, in a very frank way. I dun rmb anyone in my entire 19 yrs of life ever scolded me like this, but i really do thank him, it made me realised how wrong i was in the past, i am not sure if i am capable of changing in future, but, at least it made want to try, so for this i really thank him. I am sincerely grateful, i hope, the damage that i've done to him is temporary and in future he wont get to know people like me, and i hope, he could erase his entire memory of knowing a person called wang mo, hope, we both can start afresh, as strangers, and like parallel lines, will never again intersect and know each other again. Many things, there's no turning back, and no second choice, i have known him, and i have gave him this impression of me, no matter whether i will change in future, i dun want him to rmb and know me again, and i dun beg him to change his perception of me, i just hope, if he can forget about knowing me before, it can reduce a bit of the negative impact and negative memories. I know i have been a failure and if i do not change i probably will continue to fail. But anyway, thanks for scolding senses out of me, I wish him good luck and a great future.

And lastly...

I AM SORRY....

Haha... Please don't try to run away from facts that you are unreasonable, don't pretend as if you only give me comments and suggestions. You know yourself very well that you are an aggressor, worse than anything that i've ever known. Don't try to make a sophistry cos everyone knows that. Think again before you say.

All this time attacking people, threatening the exco to withdraw yourself for repeated times. Did not that force us to tolerate you again and again and eventually force us to give in to your demands? It may be indirect but still it produced the same effect. You are just proving yourself to be an incompetent exco member who cant face challenges. I, on the contrary, though have lots of limitations and incapabilities, am proud of myself to be able to make it through til the end, given the greatest challenge i've ever had in the exco, YOU. Yes, i am proud of myself cos when i face a challenge i tackle it head-on, instead of reducing myself to an infantile state crying like a baby like what some people do.

Don't bother to reply to me if it wastes your time, cos you are wasting my bloody time also. Studying is not the most important thing in my life. Not hating and not to be hated is. but if i were allowed to make a single exception, you'll probably know the answer.

The bottomline is you are just ______________.

Oh, what was I thinking? I'm so sorry darling. But you just disturbed me from sleeping

So he says:
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Date: Sat, 28 Jul 2007 08:23:34 -0700
From: ***_********@yahoo.com
To: wang_mo@hotmail.com; **_***@******.com


Wang Mo,

I know you are not happy with the 20 CIP hours that Ms Chan and I decided to give you. So i want to explain it to you as clearly as i can even though it wastes my time so that you don't have misunderstanding

First, i want to make it clear that i will only give you maximum 20 hours. If you want less, it is all up to you, i don't care. i have sent the soft copy to Ms Chan anyway.

Secondly, i want to tell you that I do not have the ability to monitor everybody during the Seminar camp and count the number of hours that they contribute to the community. If you have better suggestion of how to do that, please tell me. You are telling me to give everybody the number of hours fairly, but how so? You want me to make an estimate based on what? Remember, an informed guess is still a guess, there's no way you can do that fairly.

Please wake up from your idealistic world where everything is perfect. Maybe you who should be the one to learn about politics. The ideal world of fairness and equality sadly, or rather unfortunately does not exist at all.

Just to let you know, the 9 hours that i gave you initially was for designing the poster, not for attending. That's why when i consulted with Ms Chan she has agreed to give 20 hours instead. I did not change that because of complaint, i changed that because you all deserved more for attending although some of us did not do much.

Honestly, the CIP system in singpore is flawed in many ways. Not only does it encourage insincerity among our youth but i also found many problems about our CIP system. Believe me i've done research on CIP for my project work so i know very well about it. So the problem here does not lie with my 'poor working attitude'. The root of the problem lies in the inherent CIP policy. If you are not happy with that, go and complain to MOE.

Please give me a break. After one year of attacking me through the email, i think i have had enough. After all, i am no longer your president and i no longer take order from you (it is ironic but that was how things used to be), enough is enough. You can take that 20 hours or just bloody chuck it away.

Calculative you are yes. I'm sorry for my limited vocabulary but i really can't transpose that word. Please help me.

And so i replied



ha, it's ironic that A02 student need a A03 student to help him transpose any simple English language. How ironic.



oh well, dun think i like to attack you, it wastes my time. And i've never given you "orders" before, i just made my views being heard, and it is your decision whether you want to follow, if you feel uncomfortable with it, it is your bloody fault, i did not force u, you are the pres and u are the one choosing to do what i tell you to, that's all. Dun try to push it to me.



I wont say i will do anything better than you if i were the pres because i've never been, but ,You being an incompetent leader is a bloody cold fact.



if you have read my email carefully which im sure u didnt, u will know that i am not not happy with the cip system, i simply dun give a damn, cos it is only useful when you need up to 100+ hrs, but i guess i did less than 10. Do i care? no i dun.



And lastly, if the seniors can count cip hours up to 1 decimal place, i dun see why you cant even give more variations, other than your 20 hrs, or 35 hrs. You are just being irresponsible, no escaping from that. it's not an attack, it's a comment.



and regarding this cip hours, you made it sound as if im desperate for it, it's ridiculous, i asked for it becos my ct wants the record, i am not happy with the hours not becos i want as many as possible, i want to cheat hours, i just want what i deserve, but according to your flawed values, it seems that 'someone trying to get what they deserve' is totally despicable.



i know u are busy mugging, as if you are the only one taking Alevels, as you are the only one needing a future, as if taking 20min from your life is as good as killing you, for the whole yr, in your mind it's you and you only, selfish you are, yes, because you simply dun give a damn to others. And dun made it as if im calculative when you came to ask for your pathetic 2 hrs of greenlink cip for a billion times. who's more calculative? you jolly well know the answer.



yes, i dun need that bloody 20 hrs, or 9 hrs or anything, it feels disgusting, as if im begging from you, ha ha, yeah, you can jolly well take it and chuck into ur bloody mouth to prevent it from shooting out any bloody unreasonable excuses.



Wang Mo



seriously, typing this reply is a waste of my time.

waiting...

Watching Waiting


Feels like I've been waiting for days
and I have
just to catch a glimpse of your face
is that sad?

And every engine that I hear on the side of the road
sends me in a spin of excited hope
I keep looking out the window
checking on my phone
waiting, watching, hoping for you to show
for you to show

Wondering should I go
and search for you?
racing through your words for some clues

Did you give up on me since the last time we spoke?
all my senses say it's crazy but still I know
in the back of my mind there's still this hope
you wouldn't walk out on me like I did to you long ago
will you show
I don't know
will you show?

And the clock on the wall is messing with my head
Drifting way ahead, and back again

So Ill stay and let the afternoon slip away
Pacing round this floor
half insane

'Till I get some resolution I'm so obsessed
I can't sleep and I can't rest
But there's still something I must confess
When it comes to you baby,
I'm a mess, Im a mess
I'm a mess, I'm a mess

And every engine that I hear outside on the road
sends me in a spin of excited hope
I keep looking out the window
checking out my phone
Waiting, Watching, Hoping for you to show
will you show
I don't know
will you show?


a nice song....got to know it from a...friend's photoblog, she was once very close to me. err...i like the lyrics...

after so long did we just realised that we havent understood each other well enough? I have few close friends because of the fact that i dun like having friends...cos...it's too painful for me when i lose them...when you dont have something, you wont feel the sense of loss when it is taken away from you...sigh...

i said "And I think. It's seriously a misunderstanding that I took you as friend, I think we all do not understand each other well enough"

and she replied, "Yeah I agree. Really sorry for not being understanding. But likewise, you probably don't understand me well enough either."and then, i felt, that's it. Ended. just like this...

this is life isnt it? think i will encouter many otehr similar incidents like this, i should learn from now, not to invest too much emotions in friendship.

but, it is the only thing that's pure, the only thing that you cant use business law to measure the amount of investment and the amount of profits...keep it clean...

more patience? i've no more such things.

my patience is running thin.

warnings to karen yeh, si jie and ian.

and shen jiayi.

all of these above people made me angry, and cry, and...emo. within 3 days. what a vibrant and happening life im leading.

one by one they are becoming more and more foreign to me. Now, at least, at this point of time, this second, when i think of each of them, i felt like crying. It's the just the feeling of hurt. Many said that this year i've totally focused my life on jiayi and jiayi only, but somehow, to my surprise, i did not know that the feeling of loosing friends can be so painful. But this time, i think, it's time to see things clearly. It might not be a bad thing, after all, i dont think we understood each other well enough to label each other with the word "friends"

for jiayi, he's a nice person, my intense feelings for him has made me expect more from him, and probably because of his nice character, he treats everyone equally well, and so, when i am giving my 100% to him, i am getting his 1% together with everyone else. This becomes a little bit unbearable after a long while and now im reaching my tolerance limit...

for karen, we've beeen friends for almost 4 yrs now and i've realised, just very recently, that i do not understand her well. Or, may be she has changed, changed a lot, many DHS art students, like xinni, all commented that she changed a lot. But did she really change? i dun think so, may be that's the real her, from the outside she's pale and soft, but in the inside she's strong and stubborn. but, very steady. it seems the little tiny things that i always get angry with, to her, they are just another occasion whereby wang mo is making a big fuss about a small thing, while to me, it is the same, when she gets pissed with something, they are usually things that i would not even bother to care about. So we both could not feel enough for each other's situations...may be...it's time to just..oh well, in sec sch till jc, i've been giving her at least 50% of my total friendship, care and concern, treating her as my only best friend, but now, i think, it's all not that necessary anymore...she doesnt need the 50% anyway.l...

for si jie, i think it started as a mistake, and now it's ending, and i think i did not make any mistake this time. She is a nice girl, capable and sensible and kept me company thr.out the tough times in ps. We found comfort in each other's way of doing things, we thought we hold on to the similar set of principles, values, do things the similar way...we used to have similar opinions, everything just seemed to go so well btw us, and i thought she is my best friend in jc, though character wise different from me, we can be very close friends. We both respect each other and understand each other. But today, i realised that im wrong, terribly wrong, we are too different, we both do not understand each other well, the happy days in ps are just illusions, we were too busy 'fighting' with 'common enemy' to the extent that we turned a blindeye to each other's differences, but now i see it, and so does she, and so, it's time to draw a fullstop to this friendship as well.

for ian, we both's friendship has been going through some kind of roller coaster, too many ups and downs, and till now, not in any point of time in ps have i really fully thought that i understood him. He's a complex guy, i've tried so so so many times to remain on good terms with him, but he just kept on provoking me, i do believe he did not do those things in purpose, but the consequences...i think we are just not fated to be friends...

Suddenly, im left with no more close friends, am i lonely? no...im a strong girl, i dun cry in front of my parents, i dun want to cry in front of others, so i swallow my tears, withough friends, i still can live my life to the fullest. i wont be lonely, after today, things would be very different then............

我的心在痛，你懂吗？

嘉易，我喜欢你，你知不知道？

Now his MSN nick is attached with this

--爱在心里口难开

而我呢，也同样在感受着这种心情，好像爱情永远都喜欢这样折磨人。。。最近在一个很伤感的夜晚，不小心写下了一段如此的文字，是在陶冶情操吗？相信我没有那样的闲情逸致。。。只是，心很痛，痛得不得不写出些什么，因为，当你尝试把诸多此类的心痛藏在心中底处时，终有一天会痛到彻底地发疯。。。



伤感



曾说过不知道多少次，要放下对他的那份喜欢，只是真要做起来却又谈何容易...很多时候的梦，常常是在暗房，有时他是在做习题，有时是在准备相机，也偶尔抬起头，目光水一般漫过我的脸。我望着他，却始终无法言语...
淡淡的欢喜每个清晨都在心头弥漫，有时喜欢留字条给他，一个字一个字地很认真地写，执著而且虔诚。暗房成了每天向往的圣地，因为那是常看到他的地方。他是那样优秀的男孩，成绩名列前茅，有很好的音乐天赋并很有领导能力的他，轮廓清晰、目光清澈，常常穿着宽松的校服，是众人眼里的好好先生。而我，脾气暴躁，不单任性而且很我行我素，无论成绩还是其他都无法与他相比。我仿佛是喜欢他的，却在他的光环里被压迫不能言语。
一直不希望任何人知道我与他之间的故事，却仿佛人人都知道，目光追随猜疑不定，流言四起。我开始想要躲着他，一起做事时不再偷偷看他，一起走路时故意放慢脚步，让自己落在后面，不再为他写字条。希望能够做到绝决而且坚定。
忙忙碌碌读书、考试，彼此的距离在时间里潜滋暗长，我们仿佛陌路不曾相识。偶然翻出一张自制的卡片，才发现是去年为自己而做的，上面写到：该忘记的就必须忘记，该放手的也就只能放手。
而终于是，我决定试着放下，走我自己的路，也许，在多年以后，他将遗失在时间的迷宫再无消息。我想我的曾经和现在都还是喜欢着他的，而终于没有来得及说，在伤感来袭时，只有告诉自己：爱在别处。寂寞无所依时便会逼自己想：一路上，与他不可能同行。若不能拥有，那么就让我遥望，在心灵能够企及的远方，可以将悲伤隐藏。只是，当我迈出了一步，要离他稍微远一些，却又会想：若此时能看到他那温暖的微笑，该多好...


我想，我现在。。。在。恨。着。他。。。。恨他的冷漠，也恨他的友好。。。恨他的若即若离。。。

2007年7月27日凌晨1点07分。。。又有一片伤心的叶子坠落了。。。



Although you are with someone else,
I want to have my say
Without invading your domain
Or scaring you away.

I respect the choice you made
And all that you decide,
But I would just like you to know
I want you by my side.

As a lake deep in a wood
Awaits a cool, fresh breeze,
I will wait, a patient eye,
While you do as you please.

I know that you don't feel for me
The way I feel for you.
We're good friends, I value that,
There's nothing you need do.

But as a friend I need to tell you
What is in my heart.
An unsaid truth is like a wall,
Keeping us apart.

My love for you will go nowhere,
Will just remain with me.
I'll hold it in my quiet arms
And feel it constantly.

Something's wrong with me recently.

Jay Chou's new movie...well...i dun really like him but im quite interested in the movie's content, sort of coincides with my course work idea..and what's more...the english title for the movie is...SECRET!! how appropriate!!!...hmmm...:)

Recently im easily angered. I duno why, feel very irritated with everyone else including even myself. Well, i got very very pissed with jiayi, for no specific reason, oops, no, there is a reason but i shall not tell other people. But somehow, things are changing, now, no matter what he does, i feel like scolding him. And...yeah...but still, im trying my best not to show my hostility, afterall, i need to take photos of him for my course work...may be...may be it's because im no longer liking him? hmmm...i doubt so...but the feelings might have just changed. And...im really pissed that he always take me for granted, things that i gave him, things that i do for him, all the compromises and all the supports...he took them all without reciprocating a single bit. sigh...im a failure right? haha...not that im expecting anything concrete, but at least treat me a little bit nicer? not like anyone else, not like showing me the "im tolerating you" face all the time? well...oh welll...

hmmm...whitby's lesson this morning was scary, i think im developing a certain kind of phobia towards him. Really...probably because of my poor performance in lit? It's the only subject that i doubt i will get anything near an A or a B for Alevels...wah...worrying man!

oh....hoho...met cheryl on the corridor near darkroom...and talked to her...she's really a funny junior...haha...like me...hahaha...im a little be worried for her...and also...oh well...how are we gona face each other if things become worse btw jy and i in future?...considering that she's good friends with both of us?....oh...shit....

aiya...work hard la...havent done my SEA hist SBQ...shit.....shittttt...im so screwed....and i feel so lonely and stressed now...so lonely...had a bit of a small quarel with karen, it wasn't even a big thing. But i think the understanding that was developed btw the 2 of us 4 yrs ago is slowly diminishing...how sad...arhhhh...i hate dealing with people now...it's my problem i guess...i should just go and live on some island....and reflect on myself???

so sian...

did another one of the photoshop thingy, feathered up to 200 pixel...sigh...im getting sick of him. He is a damn bloody freaking careful and thoughtful person, so thoughtful that im starting to become scared of him...He's is not being honest with me, then that's it.

arhhhhhhhhhh....can you believe it? i only had 1 lesson today, Hist lecture. Walau ehhh...i think im simply just suay. I went to school early this morning for prize giving, and again it is postponed bcos mrs cheng has to rush off for some stupid talk. And the worse is, i have to present tmr in the hall! i wonder where i will be standing after that, backstage? wow!

And then Stupid Andrea tan did not come to school, so no GP, but she asked the rep to make us redo outline for AQ. Screw her la! She's such a lousy GP teacher, i think im be cursed, i wont score well with her being my GP teacher.

And i duno why, i got pissed with shen jiayi. Very pissed. Dun ask why. He bluffed me. Bastard.

Ohhhhhhhhhhhhh....one good thing is that im so impressed by the Warwick university talk, i think the guy is cool. And the information booklet is so so so useful! Now i know that i need a AABB to get into Politics and International studies, and if i do psychology then is ABBB and sociology is even easier, BBBC or BBCC...wowo...

ha ha...and i did both functions and trigo functions math today, but quite lose face cos i had to resort to asking shen jiayi questions, and he answered within 2min. wow...am i stupid or am i stupid???

hahahahahahahaha

hmm...bad day again...

i did this photoshop montage for like 2 hrs. stupid right. not because it's extremely hard, only because i made loads of mistakes...paiseh...


It seems that today my luck is not really much better than yesterday. Went to school early in the morning for the planned prize giving, in the end It was drizzling, so the prize giving was postponed. Somehow, it seems that PS can never go anything according to plan, ha ha, last minute changes always happen. But this time cannot fault them, cos it’s because of the weather. Hmm…

Then first period is math lecture, I think Ms Ling is really a good and efficient teacher. I’m really hoping to get a A for math. Yahhhh!!! Muz jiayou…but then, sadly, you know at the end of her lecture, she called my name and asked where was I last Friday, “!!!!” I was stunned, cos, though im not the kind who is scared of teachers, she did make me cry once before, because I was late for lesson, so im pretty afraid of her now. Then in the end I somehow, became dumb..and my friend has to help me answer her, they proved that I was there last Friday, just that I was sitting somewhere behind with Jensen, not at my usual place with my AEP friends. Sigh…what is this? Sheer bad luck?

Anyway...then i had SEA hist, i think im very much behind now, i didnt know that vietnam joined ASEAN in 1995 and Myamnar joined in 1997...sighz...and i didn't even know that SEA has already signed the Free Trade Agreement with China! And the new problem with Myamnar right now is that it is trying to build a nuclear reactor...wow...

GP...the lesson was sooo sian, GP is really a waste of time man, i think it causes my intelligence level to drop to 0. anyway, i got scolded by andrea tan for being "active" in her class...(wad the hell, only because i tried answering her qn)...what the hell.

then i got back whitby's paper, i failed it, and he put "Sooooooooooooooooooo Disappointing" and im like, well, i share with your sentiments too, i am disappointed with the horrendous result, dun think you are the only one who's suffering. And later i ponned Dio's lesson, im totally giving up on lit. sigh.

Art...lousy, i was busy doing my experiements, nothing much, felt as if i've wasted my time again. but i did a collage of jiayi's photos. quite nice i think. this time i think i've captured his true smiles, to a certain extent.

anyway...i duno lahz...im juz not in a good mood to do anything, and heyz! I've just realised that tmr i only have hist lect and 1 gp lesson, walau eh...im free from morning till after lunch..i go school for what??? strange life im leading...sighz...

A really lousy day......-_-''''

well, the day started in a bad way, i woke late in the morning and was late for school. The problem is, i actually did wake up on time, like...6.05am, but then somehow, some unknown forces made me fell asleep again and by the nxt time that i woke up, it is already 720am. So, i kind of forsee myself being late and strolling slowly to the school. And as i've expected, Mr Dong stood there waiting, ok, so what. He seemed angry, scolding someone, but he knows me, cos we always joke together, and when i walk pass me, he said, "so you are late also because the bus breakdown? i knew it la, cos you are too fat right? wahahahaha..." the resonance of his voice kind of...err...well, anyway, if sounds funny but it isnt funny to me at that point of time.

Then, i went to the artrm, took my pe shirt and went to the canteen, and on my way there, i was kind of dazed, so many people waved at me and i din see them, as in, i hear a lot of people calling my name, but i only notice them when they appeared right in front of me. Wahhh...am i getting old? i think im pissed with myself...errr...

Well, got back my GP, not that bad, i didn't fail! So got a D. And History remained a C...no surprises, if i am not wrong, my CT result this time is BBBCDE. yeah, walau eh. sigh. never mind. Anyway, i attended this UK/US university talk by a guy named Kevin Sim, heard that he is quite famous and influencial and useful, and he's really a cool guy. After hearing him talk, i realised that there's really a whole ton of things to prepare for US uni application, and SAT need at least 2100, (considering i am only taking it on 6th Oct, i think im really screwed) sighz...i think i should change my target to like, Canada or Australia instead. May be Torento?hmmm....

aiya...then comes the stupid PS thing, i duno, i kind of juz pop in during their session.Then some of them gave me the "why are you still here" kind of look, fine, whatever...im here simply because jiayi asks me to come. what the hell. fine then. they are really quite screwed la, i saw jiayi trying to fix the huge tokina zoom lens today, and later it was declared "dead", see lah, they took over only a few days and now the prescious lens is spoilt. 0_-''''

i think the new vice pres hate me, but i've no choice, i did not target him and too bad that he always irritate my junior, as in, i duno, everytime when cheryl tell me that he irritates her i kind of get a bit pissed, then when he tries to get power from jiayi and not respect him, i also get quite angry. As in, perceptions really do change quite fast, not long ago like in May, i was still thinking that he's quite a nice person. anyway, today in darkroom, he was playing with the thing to pluck out the film tool...then im like...you cant play with this as it is already going to be spoilt and we only have one this thing, and he gave me this very very weird look. really, i bet he's cursing me laz, but i dun care la. and...wad the hell, now i relaly understand why cheryl dun want to see him, i also duno, im so pissed with the juniors, when i was taking the photos of jiayi for my course work, then they dare to send down the juniors to take back cam from me cos they need to upload photos, cant they just wait for me to take finish and then i can help them upload la. walau eh...my course work is impt lor. sigh...the juniors...never mind...think i should just refrain myself from going into darkroom in future. wad the hell.

sigh...

Because i like YOU, that's why.....

leaf...are you also waiting for...someone?...Well, i am...waiting...for someone whom i know will never come.....

Well, it’s been really long since I last blogged. I duno, well, perhaps, im afraid that he will by any chance, come across this blog. Anyway, since now I’ve changed it to only accessible to invited readers, hope it’s ok now le.

It’s been very very weird for these 2 months, many things happened. Many. I duno, my JC life is ending and only by then did it really starts to get busy. Oh. I cant say that because, I think, im still very slack compared to my friends.

Got back CT, most of my CT results, Art H2 got a B, not bad actually, considering that half of the class failed, both my essays and course work got B so combined result is a B too. What im disappointed with is H3, my research essay got an A but then the written exam I got 19/30, though it’s like, the 2nd highest mark in class, it is not good enough to get me an A, so I ended up getting 66 for that, which means I get a merit, what the hell, the range for merit is 55-69, and im just like 4 marks away from a distinction! This is totally not fair! Sigh…but anyway, I am the 2nd or 3rd in class for H3 as well, so what more shld I be asking for? Ok…Math got a B too, 66, rather happy with it, considering that I got like 49 for the previous common test, it is a great improvement err...Hist got back international, 1 mark away from B...but 3rd in class, so not bad...it’s kind of hard competing with those guys who usually score well in this subj, but I will try, and I’m confident enough that I wll emerge victorious in the end, like I always did, hahaha..ego..oh...well...oh yeah...now comes the bad results, GP got 26/50 for GP...very lousy and im 200% sure I failed the compre so ok, for the first time in my jc life im going to fail something, and it’s GP. Im really angry this time. Well, and for Lit, it’s definitely a fail, definite, the best I could hope getting is an E…and im seriously hoping for it.sigh…I was wrong right from the start to choose Elit, if I chose Clit, it’s a promised A for me, think my stubborn and proud character doomed me. Sighhhhh...

I think I should be rather grateful with this result now, I’ve been ponning lessons, not handing up assignments, always busy with PS and all my teachers are always so surprised with my results whenever they see them. Because they kind of expected me to fail each time and each time I manage to produce rather nice grades...but I dun think this is gona continue especially if im gona continue to slack, A level is no joke, and my parents are aiming at Yale and Princeton, errrkkkk I feel really really stressed.very...ok..SAT...here I am...coming for YOU!

oh yar, finally ps handed over, i felt so happy...but still i wont deny that there is this tinge of sadness, i realised that i missed it a lot. Holding the darkroom key now makes me feel very confused and dazed...i cant seem to position myself correctly. Well, im still concerned about it, strange isnt it? i will be worried sometimes, and yeah, it's strange how people still treat me like the darkroom manager, ms chan, jiayi, longhao, aep ppl and everyone else, ask me to prepare cams, help them develop things and even go for ps when im free. It's kind of...well...i duno, i've retired, should i still go and appear in front of all the ps people or should i simply just disappear like ian and si jie and...all the rest? Im in a dilemma...well...may be i should just really retire...sigh...im not happy with the junior batch at all, the only reason why i wanted to continue to care about it is because im worried for jiayi, esp when cheryl is not in the exco, without her help, he seems very lonely, the very first exco meeting they had alr. worries me as the new exco have their own small cliques to talk within themselves, and only jiayi is seating there alone, no one talking or sharing with him, staring into blank space, a really pathetic scene...and...duno why, jiayi, longhao, ms chan, yk...all still kept telling me the "inside stories" abt what's happening and what they think. think im too extra, an outsider who knows too much...arhk....run....

well...hahaha...talked to jiayi last night online, and he told me about his girl again, strangely im not jealous or what, and i sincerely wish him happiness and hope that the girl will accept him. I duno, i think, im just liking him for the sake of liking him, enjoying the feeling of liking him, helping him, making him happy and i've never really tot of haveing him to return that kind of passion...just like, when i buy him present, all i want to see is his smiles, never did i expect to get any present from him, ha ha, im a silly girl yes, but im not stupid, i know others wont understand, but i understand how i feel, it's call "happiness".

I wish him good luck and happiness, really, and i dun mind dwelling in my own little sad world, if we look at it in a different way...it's kind of pretty too...because i've never expected anything, there's no sense of lost isnt it? ha haha...i think, i am growing up...

arhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh

i hate rumours, and i hate people who search for random blogs. i hate people who see other's blog and dun tag. i hate random visitors and i hate the feeling of being spied upon and so im gona close down this blog. bloody, and yeah karen, my english sucks. but come on, it's juz a blog and it's not even meant for others to see!!!! it's only for myself la. bloody winston, who asked him to link me??? well, still, though my english sucks, im in the top 30% for GP, and never dropped out of top 37% and so hey, im not that bad.

ta ma de! think im really pissed.

human right!!! privacy!!! wad ta ma de!

College Day 2007

It's always been like this, the arts classes are always being abused. it's ok. fine. may be we are really lack of exercise...yar. anyway, i helped to clean the canteen area this afternoon, im a good girl:) I'm getting so used to such kind of "mistreatment" anyway, when someone in the arts class make it to the top...someday...like...Some ministers...or president kind of figures, the school might then consider taking their arts students a little bit more seriously.

well, the rumour about ian and i went on and on, like what ian had said, good things spread very fast, bad things spread even faster. well, at first it's a bit funny, but now it's really getting annoying, i can't seem to be able to talk to ian properly now, there's always someone giggling at us whenever we start talking to each other. sighz...may be im not good at explaining things, but, really, cant they see? some guys can only be friends. yar. and recently had quite a lot of chances to be together with jiayi. gets to see him everyday and he appears to be more...hmmm..."human" to me. and i think i kind of take him as a brother now. it's a bit strange, i think i still duno myself enough. yar, the feeling has changed now, and he's been doing too much childish things that sometimes i wonder if he's really the "jiayi" that i used to be so madly in love with. well, may be, people changes. or...may be last time i just duno him enough to have a fair judgement of his character? ha ha. fine, im getting happier now. and i guess jiayi is slowly falling into the "some guys can only be friends" category. the feeling is fading away, and im not sad about it, so may be it's not even real feelings at all. ha ha, think, it's juz a mad infatuation. may be i think i like him because i believed that i like him but deep inside, i dun really like him at all. ha ha. oh no, it's getting chim ha ha.

Think i shld really start studying now, yar, it's quite late. ha ha, 1+months to pass over. ha ha. im so excited. well, the choosing of the new exco appears to be quite a big challenge right now since almost everyone has diff candidates for the pres post. and, yeah, the only agreement that we've reached is the one about not letting jiayi be the president. all agreed. but now im kinda confused. cos i seriously cant find anyone better than him, not even yongkuan. yeah, he's really capable, im only worried about the fact that he might not commit, but other than that, im all for him. well, but still, i have some...yah...i'll see how, may be i'll juz follow the majority, as long as the candidate is not too bad, i'll juz follow the majority laz. and it's coming soon, ms chan asked about the "exco application" form...and i felt like giving stupid questions...ha ha...

ha ha ha ha...im happy, and i got nice photos of jiayi today!!! so happy, photos of him conducting! so rare! im so happy, now can tell mr lee i did something, ha ha, looking forward to doing my course work! ha ha ha...and thanks gangquan!!! love u!!!! ha ha ha...he's such a nice guy, he went onto the stage to help me take photos of jiayi, how brave! love him! nice junior, shall reward him with something...ha ha! cool!

PS...School...art...

well, today is kind of slack, first period pe and the tcher said we are free to do anything we want for the next 2 weeks cos he wants to use the time to train those who did not pass napfa, i got a gold, so nothing to worry about:). anway, i received a shocking news yesterday night, the greenlink people got attacked by BEES! they were at the maze at pasir ris park when a whole swarm of bees attacked them, almost all of them got stung, and got mc, mr loh was the most affected person, heard he ran into the see and got heatstroke and then went to hospital, he had to be wheeled in...so scary...thank god i didnt go....hmmm...sighz...hope they are all recovering...

and had photog today, nothing much, find that jiayi is damn weird today, or may be he's damn weird recently...he was so moody during the camp and now he seemed so happy and 'high'...sighz...he's simply unpredictable. I saw him playing computer game with doris, and i felt he's damn childish, damn childish, and i was so surprised that i dun feel jealous, and i think i really like doris, ha ha, she's such a cute and funny gal, if she's together with him, i would have absolutely no objection lor! ha ha ha...im really kind of starting to reveal my feelings to jiayi cos he's really kind of disappointing me more and more, so childish...sighz...and ms chan talked to me about the new exco thingy...and was funny, she kind of like really think jiayi will be should be the nxt pres le, and i was also surprised to know that strings tcher in charge told her that everyone hates jiayi in strings. ha ha...tchers are so gossipy!...anyway...i duno, i kind of no longer has an opinion, yeah, i want him to be pres, and i dun want him to be pres, im like in a dilemma, so forget it.

and i was so shocked to see almost half of the sch gotten to know about the ian and wangmo scandal! rumours really spread fast, that bloody ben showed the photo to his whole class, and xinni somehow got to know abt it and then...walao...and that ms chan, kept insisting that i actually like ian, not jiayi, sighz, duno what to say to her, im too tired in trying to explain, i also duno wad to say le, wadever...i like no one...i like myself can? rubbish...gona be busy le, no time to think of such rubbish le...artfest, WISE...commontest...SNAP camp...wadever...arhhhhhhhhhh

Photog camp...well...

Okay...Photog camp started on friday, after weeks of planning and all those quarellings and everything...finally the day has came...i spent sooooo much time doing the darkrm booklet laz!
sighz...anyway...this camp is really damn..'exciting'! okay, when it first started jiayi and i went to carry the food. and that bloody fatty made me carry the food all the way back to njc, we walked on 2 legs! walao! but...aiya...cant really blame him laz...cos he's the one taking most of the food...well...the captain's ball...i didnt join in though i used to be damn good at it...i felt it's childish but the members enjoyed it, most of them were damn high...ha ha...and the dinner was ok...the night game...the card thingy made me ran like crazy and jiayi successfully tapped on me and i have to surrender my card...he's a fat cunning little boy!

and the worst time was during the exco guys entertainment session when they were made to play the "truth or dare" thingy...then jiayi...that stupid yongkuan went to ask if jiayi is ever interested in wangmo or not...or...something like if jiayi likes wang mo, i almost fainted the moment i heard that la, and then after that...the rest of them esp ben never missed a chance to tease me laz...and poke fun at me about jiayi! i think by now he really muz have known already lor. anyway, he said that no one in ps seems attractive to him, and no one has to the potential to attract him. well...duno...but i guess...my kind of feeling for him is really less of that "girl guy thingy"...it's more like a "sis to younger bro" thingy...guess...maybe i have to review my true feelings for him again, and examine if it is real love...

well...and that ben! he's really good at snapping nice shots of people who are not very alert like ian and i. sighz....and this shot, is damn misleading, si jie said that may be i dun really like jiayi, may be the one i have feeling for is ian, and jiayi's case is just like, i perceived jiayi as the very guy that i like and ever since then, subsequently, i will juz shut up on other choices and juz like jiayi cos i thought i like jiayi so i shld like him...but actually from my actions and movements or whatever rubbish, it can be seen that ian and i have this natural ...erm...forgot what exactly she said but something like that la. well, i must admit that i tend to have a much better impression of ian now, but i dun think i have any special feelings for him yet and certainly he dun have any feelings towards me either, we are just really good friends...hope life juz dun complicate things even further

and si jie did the card thingy for me and the result was freaking scary, the first one i tried on jiayi and then the result was that he dun have any gal in his heart now, but im still not his tip few priotities cos he puts other things as priorities and then when i tried on my ex-boyfriend..whom i still felt a bit of regret for initiating the break...cos i fell in love with another stupid guy...that result was freaking scary...cos...it showed that im right there on the top of his priority list...and yeah...nothings else btw us...sighz...i duno wad to say and she tried on ian and i...but that one was for fun laz, cos really nothing btw him and i mahz...but the result seemed rather positive too...more positive than jiayi's one...ha ha...actually i dun believe in such things de...but it's juz fun and funny...ha ha...wad a camp!

today, it's the day

A Fresh New Start.
Get over him!
He does not deserve my love, my care and concern.
He does not desreve it....
he's not worth it...
wake up wang mo!

Elections Day...ha ha...a pon day for me

well, today is elections day for my school, no lessons for the whole day, and i cant believe i actually went for the debate session. ok, so i attended about an hr long of debate session and then ponned the rest of the things for today.

It was rather enjoyable, cos basically the whole day i was with him. we watched the art tchers do silkscreen exposing in darkrm, and then had exco meeting together, then waited for the art tchers to finish....waited in AR21, and...joked about...talked...and then got bored...listened to music...then...looked at each other and nothing to say, suddenly i felt a bit sad because i was thinking, when had we became like this? nothing to say to each other??

but anyway...after that...we were like...juz constantly seeing each other either in the darkrm or in the school. and i bought a small bouquet of flower for him and made a card, to wish him gd luck for his coming SYF on friday, the card looks really nice, i duno why am i still doing this...well...anyway...he kind of freaked me out when he juz appear in front of me at my space at artrm this morning, while i was still drawing his card! and then...later...at ard like 7+pm, he kind of scared me again when he...again...quietly...without a sound...appeared in the artrm again. that was really scary because i was the only one left in the darkrm, and then i was outside washing the silkscreens and when i opened the door, he was coming out...i really got super scared...hmmm...i wonder how come a guy with his size can walk without a sound...hmmm

well...hope he likes the flower and the card, i duno why i am doing all these, but i juz feel like doing it for him...i dun expect anything in return but juz feel like wanting to see him smile...yeah....silly girl right???

Im hurt...

PS has always been a source of happiness and bitterness for me for this past 8 months. But recently, i thought it's getting better until the reality proved me wrong. Si jie told me abt the changes made to the camp, in which darkrm session has to be compromised bcos of the college pub thing. I cried, not because of anger, i am quite sure it's not bcos of anger, it's because i felt neglected, hurt, frustrated, undermined, belittled...whatever u want to call that...

And so, i really havent been doing anything as a darkrm manager? people tend to only remember your mistakes, what you've never do, but not what you've done. It's always like that, noboday saw my efforts in trying to acquire the darkrm skills, no one saw me reading the thick notes on darkrm developing late into the night, no one cared about me spending a whole night with the senior to learn darkrm, people simply thought that i dun give a damn about darkrm. perhaps, it's my own problem, all along i have been too sunny and happy on the outside, people think i dun take anything seriously, people think im a joker, they think that im just an insignificant joker whom everyone can just come and step on me just like the way they step on an ant. Like what i've said before, my tolerance level is limited, and i do have a very bad temper, and i hated it when people dun seem to respect me, and yeah, "scraping darkrm session" is a personal insult to my ability as a darkrm manager. I dun want to think too much about it, but any normal person with the ability to feel insulted will feel insulted in such circumstances.

I just duno why am i always the one who's being compromised, sacrificed. Last yr's national day outing, i was the one being forgotten and ended up waiting at the MRT for 1++hr, no one ans my call, no one replies my sms. And this yr, the activity day was changed to monday, and im the one who's deeply affected. and then now the darkrm sessions, ms chan seems to be oblivious to all other exco's imperfections except mine, she is constantly aware of the darkrm not being cleaned, but she's ok with li ang misusing the darkrm equipments and even surf porno websites, she's ok with jiayi being absent all the time, she's ok with everyone else except me. But i really do want to ask her, who the hell says that the DM has to use mop to clean the darkrm? who is the one who told me that web environment will make fungus grow on the lens? Didn't they all see me clearing the mess in darkrm before? but everytime u clear, it gets messed again within a second, and no matter how many times u remind the people to put the equipments back to their original places, no one gives a freaking damn about it. so it is really my fault?

To be honest, i'm done with this cca now. completely done. I've put in so much effort, and in the end im such a failure still. No one seems to get it that im actually the one who loves the cca with all my heart, who the hell is the one who rushes back to nj on mon afternoons from substation just to attend part of the activity and join the exco meeting? who the hell is the one who went for all photo outings and neglected all other appointments? no one seems to care.

When im cleaning the darkrm, i feel so pathetic, i do not even need to bring my own food to my mouth at home, people serve me, i've never touched a mop before and dun talk about kneeling down and clean the floor, my mum will be furious is she knows about that. I am the only asset of my parents, and who can make me lower myself to such levels as to mop the floor? only myself! And now im not at all willing to do it for ps, not at all, it does not deserve it. IT DOES NOT DESERVE IT. It does not mean that shengde mops the floor everyday and so i have to. we are different.

Now i really do feel the club will be better without my presence, i dun think they need me as the DM, they can just employ a cleaner, a maid. whoever. I dun have to lower myself for people who do not know how to appreciate.

it's ok...i cried, and, im feeling much better now. will try to cry less for ps in future, cos it's not worth it, it does not deserve my tears.!

( got back H3 the other 25%, got an A, and my photo "The Forgotten" will be exhibited in the libraries...i forgot which ones..)

For every win, someone must fail....

Came across this sentence somewhere, i couldnt remember where...but it's really cool.
Well, life juz suck. SSPC ppl called me again and told me that they have a disagreement over whether my photo should be exhibited because my original photo was created by photoshop software. they asked me to email them the original one, but the truth is, after i took that photo, i used photoshop to enhance the colour and then override the original file, so not it seems that i kind of "lost" the original one. sighz...it's ok, never mind, life has been bad, and it cant go anything worse than that can it? unless it continues that i fail tmr's math paper, and nxt tues's NUSH3, if it really happens that way. i will make sure i kill myself. kill myself, and make sure i die, and be completely dead, not to be rescued by anyone, not parents, not friends, not teachers, not doctors. im really tired of living, i juz need that one little tiny push and that's it. i will collapse, and im seeing the end of my life approaching, it's really near, ending our own lives is not really a sin, different people have different tolerance level, and mine is certainly limited, and im a rubber band that's being stretched too hards...way too hard....

sadness carried forward...

So it's been 2 days since the pw result's release, and here i am, seating in front of my computer screen, still, thinking, about, life.

many things happened in these few days, yes, but im oblivious to all of them. i kind of gave up in everything. it's just that, i dun feel like doing anything. Life hasnt been hard for me for the past 19 years. Since PSLE, to Olevels till now. Things havent been extremely smooth and nice but, no big disappointments. And perhaps, it's the reason why i havent been really serious in thinking about life.

i was born in a family that's not extremely rich but enough to satisfy me, provide me with almost all that i want. But guess im not really the kind of kid who indulges in material life and so i believe i did not add too much pressure to my parents. And, on top of all, im the only child. which means...naturally i get everything my parents earn.

But that's all on the surface, everything looks nice on the surface, i look all sunny and happy on the surface too. who the hell gives a freaking damn about how i really feel? all my parents wants is just fame, and so im supposed to be the tool for them to reach a greater height, so since young, im subjected to their scrutiny. I started going for English lesson at the age of 3, chinese painting lesson at the age of 5, ballet lesson at 6, dining etiquette lesson at 6...i started reading Mao's simple autobiographies at the age of 6...when other kids are playing, im staying at home learning communist theories. My parents just have this perception that their kid has to be the best kid in the world. Championing in every aspect. when they see their friends' kids playing roller blade, they bought it for me, when im only like 8 years old...and when other kids were happily having fun blading, im forced to blade in circles and my parents or their subordinates will count how many rounds i completed for the day. Same for ice-skating and swimming. For ice skating, i was enrolled in the figure skating class, and at a very young age u see me having bruises everywhere due to intensive trainings. and swimming, i hated it because im only allowed to swim in striaght lines, and they'll count the laps...

my parents really only cares about results, they dun give a fucking shit about how i feela and how much efforts i put in, they only want to see the results. and the same applies to the society. looking back to the 18 years what i lived, im really a pathetic kid, teenage. i never really lived my own life at all except for the part that involved art. but even that little bit of passion is wearing away because of the nj art tchers who never fail to discourage and disappoint me every single lesson.

Now i feel that im like a walking skeleton without a soul. floating...everywhere without a purpose, a direction, a motive....and im really sad. people just take me as a spoilt kid, pampered, bad tempered, irrational, stubborn, a mugger who only cares about marks and results. no one, no one, tries to understand me, no one tries to see from my perspective. how i was shaped by my environment, really, i was broken and bent and not even one sympathetic soul somes and give me a bit of warmth..

i have to say sorry to my close friends, because i might have been really a bad friend all along...i have too many problems on my own that i didnt really try to understand you all...but...im really...sighz....let's just try to live, try to survive...try...

Friday the 13th...disaster for me.

sighz...normally i dun believe in this kind of thing but now...im really very very very very very suay.

Got back PW result...i got a C! can you believe it! a C! all that hardwork and all those tears and all i get is a C! well...i saw my class people crying, apparently my whole class didnt do well as there's only 2 As and the rest are all Bs and Cs. My whole entire group got C...ha ha ha ha...and wonder why am i not crying? guess i've really grown up, i've finally come to realise the futility of crying...tears sometimes can relieve you from sadness, but they do not solve the problem and get you into any better situations.

Another reason why i didnt really feel very hurt was that i know i've done my best, i did the video, i did the powerpoint. it is the grp work part that pulled me down, i had very good comments for my individual part...so....my grp has 4 ppl, 1 is considering of going overseas sometime soon and the other is already overseas since this Jan. So...they did not put in effort in PW at all, so we were like, operating on a 2 persons basis...

Well...but somehow...i really do feel sad...very very very sad...it's really unfair! somewhere deep in my heart is screaming out this. It's really unfair! sighz...but...im no longer that naive, the world is never fair, is it??

well...and i juz received my NUS H3 result, a B. well, not bad but definitely not good enough. sighz...im really really not good enough. sometimes i really do feel im just a piece of shit!

nothing much to say.......

i'm tired.
the power of love...is not for me
i possess nothing but futility
be gentle to me
im just an innocent ant...
struggling to survive....
why do you have to cause me so much pain
especially at that very moment
your belated wishes...
caused
immense
pain...

it's ok.

guess im just going to live with it.
the reality of life

how sad...

accept life as what it is.
peace of the mind....

FUtility and Dilemma

Sometimes i really do feel that i've done too much for people who duno how to appreciate. Like, his birthday, i really spent a lot of time trying to find a present that suits him, and even the wrapping, i went to so many places to try to find and nice box and nice ribbons...and then...bought precious moments card for him and drew cute forever friends bear on the envelope...and all i ever got was a soft whisper of thank you and the benting of the card...seems that he din really see the amount of effort i put in. I did all these despite my geopolitics deadlines. sigh...it's really not like im really expecting something in return...but...it's just the failing of wasted efforts...and the realization of the feeling of futility. guess it's just going to continue like this.

and seriously, i'm having a dilemma right now. the choosing of photog new exco is rather difficult for me. Because...he actually wants to run for president. and well, to be really really honest, he's not a bad candidate in terms of capabilities. however...all of us agree that he's not committed. Well, on a personal level, i really do want him to be the president, i like him, and so of course i would want him to get what he wants. but...i have to be responsible to the club too. I have this feeling that if i agree to put him as the president, then...i might be making the same mistakes as the seniors last year who made li ang the vice pres....ok...let me list down the reasons why i would not support him being the pres and why would...may be it will help me to sort out my messed up brain a little bit...

DO NOT CHOOSE HIM BECAUSE:
1) He's been physically absent from the club since last yr with the excuse of having strings on the same day as photog. however, even aft ps changed it's activity day on mon. he did not appear this yr again. excuses given were, disney night, talentime and SYF...but it cant just go on and on like this, cos things will just accumulate, after this sure have that,there's no end to his strings things.
2) He's not been present in the exco meetings for most of the time except the times when we talk about CT photos which is no longer relevant now. and thus, he's not been really aware of how our exco functions and what we are doing...he kind of only relies on Si Jie's exco meeting minutes. This led him into believing that all chief photographer and chief instructor has to do is to call ppl for duty, organise outings and give critic. and thus he believes that he's done all he's needed to do as an exco member.
3) In reality, his absence resulted in ps exco practically working on a 4 or 5 ppl basis when there's supposed to be 6...
4)He's over confidence in getting the post irritates me and he's starting to form his sphere of influence by asking his friends to run for posts such as vice-pres, darkrm manager and others...which shows he's kind of a person with designs...a thought that really scares me...
5)He has too many other commitments such as saphires scholar...Star H3 programme...and strings...and studies of course...
6) He does not seem to be a photo enthusiast...as in...not really commited...not like ben...
7) Removing him means removing the whole entire bad history away...
8) he will probably not do anything to change the situation but continue to let ps remain in it's present messy state and continue this mess nxt yr...
9) He's been in ps for so long...it's time for him to give others a chance.
10) no one's keen in letting him be the pres.

CHOOSE HIM
1) he's very experienced and skilled
2) He's a nice person at least from what i know even though im starting to get all the bad things abt him
3) Ms chan loves him
4) He's capable, has leadership qualities.
5) I LIKE HIM!

okok...shall really get over this thingy and focus on my studies....whatever the case....we'll see how it goes on the day of the interview

I've never felt so tired before...

this is a really busy week, i've been rushing out my NUS Geopolitics H3 module's Grp work and individual assignment together. How tough. now then i understand but it's a bit late. Im so super drained. These two assignments will add up to 50% of my H3 grade. How unfortunate, i have the habit of leaving everything to the last. and things just seem to pop up all the time, i dun seem to have a single day that im totally free of any assignments of cca thingys. Im juz busy.

I'm wondering why am i giving myself so much pressure, why am i taking the 2nd H3? it's really tough. and besides, juz heard from ms chan, my H3 art wrote out of point and so i did badly for it. Expected huh? ha ha, yeah, i would have said that to my friends, but deep inside, im expecting better results. well, i always appear to be indifferent to some of the things that i really take seriously.

Went for the photo outing yesterday, guess yesterday wasnt really a "good friday" for me, we celebrated his birthday, i gave him my present, i gave him my card and that's it. what saddens me was he din seem to have taken my card seriously, maybe im just being too sensitive....nah...it was a horrible day....no wonder people say the higher the expectations...the bigger the disappointment..,.sighz...

Let's just live in the illusion...

recently i have been thinking of changing my attitude towards life a bit. well, many things happened. i was flipping through my diary yesterday and i saw this:

You know sometimes I juz think that I shldnt live on this earth because it doesn’t realli suit me. I have lots of things to do but I dun have enough time. However at the same time I feel like doing nothing, this kind of contradicting thinking is often unacceptable by this society. But well, who the hell cares about that? I love to dream, just sit there and do nothing but just dream, keep on dreaming and thinking, nothing particularly interesting but just dream. Anyone’s as weird as me? Come and tell me and we might make friends together, who knows? May be I dun really need friends after all.

Wang mo 28/3/07

i think i am really a lonely girl, no matter how many friends i have, i feel as if im constantly alone. think i just couldnt allow myself to put down all my guards and accept anyone totally. Im really tired of living my life this way. I always seem to be very lively, cheerful and crazy on the outside. but no one, no one understands how sad, stressed and scared i am when facing life. I still remember my photog president once said,"dun bluff, you where got stressed? you dun look stressed, i am the one who's stressed...look, i got so much things to do, i have bio test tmr...."
so, one needs to put "i am stressed" on their face for others to see. i dun like to be like this, i do show my emotions on my face however, sometimes i really dun like to keep saying how busy i am. cos i will stress me further. no one seems to understand that actually the crazy wang mo can be busy with some serious stuff too. i have 2 H3s, i have sph things to do, i have to prepare for the coming SAT exam, i have studies to attend to, i have to start applying for overseas universities, i have 3 CCAs of which i am in the exco for 2 of them. I am not busy?? even i cant bluff myself.

people just don't seem to understand me, not that im so desperate for them to understand, i've persevered thus far, i am on a journey alone for 19 years till now, and i think im finally really getting tired of all these. i want to feel the warmth of having real friends too. i want to have someone who cares for me, i want to be together with the one i like. but why all these, which seem so easy for others to get, seemed so difficult for me to obtain? why am i always giving out and have nothing in return? i wonder....

had a very harmonious photog exco meeting on monday, though we just had a "email fight" over the weekend, everyone seemed polite to each other. i dun believe we've solved the problems but at least, we've overcame the barrier of not being able to show smiley faces, now even though im pretty pissed with li ang and jiayi, i dun really go and antagonise them like what i used to do. cos im tired, exhausted, i just want to finish up the remaining 3 more months and try to leave myself as much fond memories of this club as possible. this club has brought me too much sadness, disappointment and anger that im afraid im gona hate it in future, the only good part of it is also the sour part, the part that hurts me deep in my heart, like a knife piercing my heart, the pain is beyond my control....

my life seems to be in a mess now, my common test result was more or less like last year's but while seeing others improve and i am still at my original position saddens me. i think, it's really time for me to clear up my overflowing emotions and concentrate on some practical issues and be pragmatic. i am secretly applying PR now, i think, this is when, i am going to have my split with my parents. but i dun really care now, now i dun really care about anything very much le. i have my life to live, they have theirs, they've dictated my life for more than 19 years and it's time for me to control my own life. but somehow, im terribly scared...terribly scared...arh...im tired...so tired....

It's been so long...again

sighz....it's been so long again since i last blogged. not my fault, there's a few times that i actually felt like posting but the stupid server did not want to load, so whenever there's problem, blame the system. yeah, that's the right thing to do. Well for the past...1 months or so, many many many things happened. i went to malaysia with the sph people, made friends, shopped, had fun over there. although the living condition was....worse than bad, we managed to really have fun and laugh a lot. well...we played the "free hugs" game and it was so fun, and i found that the westeners are juz so super duper friendly laz, i love the uncles, they are really sweet and cute and everything nice!

and then...yeah...came back, had greenlink painting mural sessions, and also....common test's over. but, but, my 19th birthday was realli realli very disappointing!for this birthday, i received lots of wishes and presents and much more attention than i wanted but then only person that i really care about disappointed me so much. i dun even expect a present from him, i juz want him to wish me happy birthday and then....later...he finally gave the belated happy birthday wish, which was...a bit the too late for me. during art lesson he came over and said in a whisper"happy birthday"...what is this? why? never mind, now i've come to realise that he just takes me as a mere working partner that's all. and...even when i was sick, his care and concern came belated and mixed with work stuff. fine then. im just so disappointed, somewhere in my body aches...i think it's the heart.

and then, almost immediately, i fell sick on the next day. really sick. fever all the time and then followed by gastric flu. i thought i was going to die, really, it really feels sucks when one gets sick, i've never been so sick for a long time already, and i wonder if is it because im getting old or just because i was too tired, exhausted and stressed or may be im just too disappointed by him on monday? i duno, well, life's damn sad, and the saddest part is that life chooses us and not we choose life. sighz....

Revision...........

sighz....revision revision and revision, today is the first study day for march common test and im so damn screwed....mr Tsang didnt reply me sms asking for consultation...whatever, like it will be useful like that, it's juz to make me feel better, im juz trying to fool myself by telling myself that" hey, you've tried, u even asked for consultation! too bad you dont score...not ur fault........."

I'm a bloody failure, sighz.....hist....Ms Oon says my structure, content, thesis...everything got problem, int. hist all the middle east thingy...oh gosh...im gona die for hist...

sighz....


came across this at youtube...the funny part is when u see someone who resembles our dear photog president...sliding past the camera...:P

CNY...where's my CNY?

sighz...another chinese new yr, that, doesnt belong to me. I think, in my memory...my last real chinese new year stopped in the year of 1999. it's the last one that i spent in beijing, and so was the last one which i felt chinese new year is really something like a festival. the CNY in singapore are always like any other days in my life, nothing special at all. I felt as if im the 3rd party...watching people busy preparing for their festival...without feeling...kind of numb to this..like...whenever people tell me,"heyz...mo, chinese new year coming! so excited!"...then i'll be...'yar..it's coming..but so what?' ...i thought i'm fully integrated into this society but actually, im wrong, i still feel i dont belong here, but sadly, i dont feel i belong to beijing either, this few yrs when go back to beijing, it seemed to get more and more foreign each yr...ha ha ha ha ha...suddenly felt im unwanted.ha ha ha ha...never mind....

and wanted to mug today...but ended up sleeping...was quite troubled last night....

ysd while was chatting with my friend online...reached to a point of final realisation...duno if im right to describe it this way...was talking to this guy who's my very good friend...got to know him in sph and he's the sunny...cheerful...funny type....ha ha...a very pleasant guy. had a very good impression of him when we first met. but took him as a normal friend. and as time passes...we became gd friends and i start to tell him some of my secrets and problems...including me liking [the him in nj]. and he was really very nice, kept consoling me and cheering me up...a nice guy really....i thought we are just friends....

and then ysd....he told me he's attracted to me...to my character for quite a while alr. he said that we shld meet earlier, then his girlfriend wont be 'her' now and i will like him instead of [the him in nj]. i tot he was joking and said so i said,'yar...may be i shld like guys like you, more straight forward...easier for me' then he said that never mind..we can catch up now....then slowly, it kind of became clear that he's not joking. and....he asked me out. i am confused, i duno how i feel.sometimes things are so funny, i dun like such complications but nothing's simple in life. simplicity is just another form of complex ideology isnt it? sighz...so now im stuck here, duno to conitnue to 'an lian'[the him in nj] which i know will definitely end up still as 'an lian' cos he'll never like me, but at least, im quite sure i like him, have very strong feelings towards him...or shld i accept the other guy, at least, if i do that, i find one who likes me more than i like him, and, it might well be developed into a 2 way relationship cos i can slowly cultivate feelings towards him. but the qn is, is it fair to him? can love be cultivated? can we really catch up the 'lost time'?

i dun want to react too fast, cos i've used to be a passive partner in several relationships and the sense of guilt follows. and this case is kind of special, cos it's not at all arranged by my parents...and..he was my friend initially...friendship....sometimes can be more impt than love and probably it's the very reason why i dun want to tell [the nj him] that i like him, cos it ruins the friendship...when the purity in friendship diminishes slowly...the core of it will get rusty and slowly corrode away.....

cofusion...sadness...im trapped in all these..........

CNY...where's my CNY?

sighz...another chinese new yr, that, doesnt belong to me. I think, in my memory...my last real chinese new year stopped in the year of 1999. it's the last one that i spent in beijing, and so was the last one which i felt chinese new year is really something like a festival. the CNY in singapore are always like any other days in my life, nothing special at all. I felt as if im the 3rd party...watching people busy preparing for their festival...without feeling...kind of numb to this..like...whenever people tell me,"heyz...mo, chinese new year coming! so excited!"...then i'll be...'yar..it's coming..but so what?' ...i thought i'm fully integrated into this society but actually, im wrong, i still feel i dont belong here, but sadly, i dont feel i belong to beijing either, this few yrs when go back to beijing, it seemed to get more and more foreign each yr...ha ha ha ha ha...suddenly felt im unwanted.ha ha ha ha...never mind....

and wanted to mug today...but ended up sleeping...was quite troubled last night....

ysd while was chatting with my friend online...reached to a point of final realisation...duno if im right to describe it this way...was talking to this guy who's my very good friend...got to know him in sph and he's the sunny...cheerful...funny type....ha ha...a very pleasant guy. had a very good impression of him when we first met. but took him as a normal friend. and as time passes...we became gd friends and i start to tell him some of my secrets and problems...including me liking [the him in nj]. and he was really very nice, kept consoling me and cheering me up...a nice guy really....i thought we are just friends....

and then ysd....he told me he's attracted to me...to my character for quite a while alr. he said that we shld meet earlier, then his girlfriend wont be 'her' now and i will like him instead of [the him in nj]. i tot he was joking and said so i said,'yar...may be i shld like guys like you, more straight forward...easier for me' then he said that never mind..we can catch up now....then slowly, it kind of became clear that he's not joking. and....he asked me out. i am confused, i duno how i feel.sometimes things are so funny, i dun like such complications but nothing's simple in life. simplicity is just another form of complex ideology isnt it? sighz...so now im stuck here, duno to conitnue to 'an lian'[the him in nj] which i know will definitely end up still as 'an lian' cos he'll never like me, but at least, im quite sure i like him, have very strong feelings towards him...or shld i accept the other guy, at least, if i do that, i find one who likes me more than i like him, and, it might well be developed into a 2 way relationship cos i can slowly cultivate feelings towards him. but the qn is, is it fair to him? can love be cultivated? can we really catch up the 'lost time'?

i dun want to react too fast, cos i've used to be a passive partner in several relationships and the sense of guilt follows. and this case is kind of special, cos it's not at all arranged by my parents...and..he was my friend initially...friendship....sometimes can be more impt than love and probably it's the very reason why i dun want to tell [the nj him] that i like him, cos it ruins the friendship...when the purity in friendship diminishes slowly...the core of it will get rusty and slowly corrode away.....

cofusion...sadness...im trapped in all these..........

little emo mo

sighz...thought that after so long, i would have gotten over him but reality proves me wrong. I think im more and more into him. the past 2 months has been exciting and tiring. I duno why, everytime i see him stressed or tired, i felt the pain. and still, as usual, i cant do much to help him. And i think, we've became closer friends. However, that does not help in anything, i am as unwilling to tell him as i used to be. even though more people got to know about it, i am determined to let him wait till the last min. i hope, this will make him feel something. ok, i am going to do my art course work, and use it to reveal my love for him to him. i bluffed him into agreeing to be my model, i know he's just being nice. and so by now i can legally make sketches of him, and do my course work freely. My course work will probably be an installation, portratying a strong girl's image but when you walk into her heart, you'll realise that she actually has this soft spot and this soft spot is him. i am going to build an environment, a big challenge for me but somehow, i feel excited to do it. tuesday i made a plaster facial cast of him, having him to make great sacrifice, cos it's definitely a very good experience having loads of liquid plaster on ur face and feel it hardening and feel the heat given out, and then later getting ur hairs plucked out together with the plaster cast. well, he's nice enough to do it for my art. thanks so much, but i think, he's just being nice and no more other things.

sigh....

and then on wed, which is vday, i asked my friend to pass him a sunflower, nicely nicely wrapped, with nice ribbons....sighz...heard from my friend that he looked very surprised but was very polite and thanked her. well, 'surprised'...i duno what it means....open ended....

sometimes i feel that im like a porcupine...really, like what mr lee said...a porcupine. but he only knew half...yes, im like a porcuppine, full of sharp,destructive spines, always ready to protect and defend myself. people see me as aggressive creature, but they fail to consider the fact that it is always the most vulnerable creature that will try desperately to find security for themselves and likewise, i am not as strong as i seem to be, not as confident, not as courageous....i am merely trying to make a safety shield for myself using the spines.... and now, i've met a guy whom im willing to do anything for him, including plucking off all my spines. With all my spines, he cant go near me, and so i plucked off my spines, one by one, trying to change myself, with the sacrifice of the very thing that i treasured...and then...i am afraid...when im finally free of any spines, exposing my flesh, most inner self, the answer that awaited for me is a 'no'. and by that time, i would have no more spines to shield me, no more castle for me to hide, no more...nothing...nothing to protect me...and then, it will be the eventual destruction of me.

silly girl, someone use to say....what will you say to a girl who's willing to be silly and be....destroyed...?

silly.............i am just, not, good enough, for.........him

JC2, my life....

well, it's been 2 months since im back from china, time really flies, with juz a blink of eyes and 2months of my J2 life are gone. Life in J2 is really hard, very busy, may be that's the reason why i didn't notice that time is passing. Everyday i have mountains and mountains od hw piling up. After Ms Su left, the new tcher seemed to be the kind of tcher who's very on. and so, as a result, with a hardworking tcher, u have to be 2 times more hardworking as a student. So from like having 1 assignment in every 5 months we changed to having assignments or hw for SEA hist almost every single tutorial. But luckily, international hist remained in the same pacing. and now i have 3 hrs of make up lesson for SEA every wed, i was so shocked to realise that ms Su left out on entire whole topic last yr without me realising it, she juz jumped from rise of nationalism to experimenting with parliamentry democracy. So now i know, she forgot about decolonization. fine.

and math, changed to Mr Tsung as tutorial tcher, i dont understand why the whole world is saying that he is a superb tcher. He speaks in such a monotone voice that never fails to bring me to my dreams. And, i also know that this is my yr2, so no matter how tired i am, i tried to stay awake and now, comes the catalyst, mr tsung's voice. I duno why i just have this idea that he doesnt really give a damn abt the h1 ppl. and the ms lim, a very fierce young lady, i dun like her as a person, proud, vain, but i have to admit i prefer her to mr tsung cos at least she makes me do stuff during her lect, i can proudly say that i've never wasted a single lect since the beginning of this yr.

and art, mr lee is my tutor, it's all planned out well i guess, no other tcher would be able to handle me, according to mr lee. anyway, it's pleasant to have him as my course work tcher, i couldnt imagine anyone else being my tutor, i would juz die if i get ms lu. well, mr lee is really able to make me think, and all he ever did with me for the past month is to chat with me and get to know me, he said he's very scared of me and i probably is his most challenging student since he started teaching, i duno why, but nvm, let's just see how things will turn out, will it be a disaster or a great success? either way....

and lit, still, my weakest subj, got a C during promo...ms chua...heard she's secretly evil, well, have to observer her longer to see if she's safe to get close. mr whitby became more and more temperamental, emotional, agitated, worked up, frustrated.....he shouts much more often recently, guess he just cant stand us being so superbly quiet, well, we cant help it, it's scary talking in front of him, he's juz too knowledegeable, like a dictionary. Mr Dio...funny guy, but i think too slack... i really have no idea how i am gona survive the 6hrs exam for lit, shld go and drown myself instead.

and...H3, really an eye opening experience for me, the lecturer, Dr Carls is really humorous, a cool british guy. but the course itself is really boring, geopolitics, often i've been questioning myself if i had chose the right course, cos it seemed very geog. well, since i've alr. taken it, juz hope i can get the best out of it ba. im both scared and excited.

well, life juz gets more and more busy, i've been sleeping for only averagely 4hrs per day cos i stress myself to finish all the hw which can be said as an impossible task. and, having achieved a result of BBBCC in promos, i cant let myself down for this coming march common test, i cant tolerate seeing a deproved grade, im not prepared for that, not at all, but i know im not much better than others and i've wasted my dec holi at hw being sick....so...i need to mug mug mug mug mug and mug! sigh...may be if i jump into a river, i might have some of the heat lifted from my shoulder. I cried that day, in sch, while doing my hist essay outline, i guess im juz too stressed, i felt like vomitting all the time...not that i've done anything with any guy, i juz felt im always at the boiling point, and it's soooooooooooooooo fine, stop complaining, go mug le.

arh...haha...In Beijing

well, i must say that, keeping a blog alive is quite a hard thing to do. especially for a person as lazy as me. actually, most of the time i have a lot of things to write, to say, to espress...to wadever. but then, the moment i think of typing them all out, it freaks me out. and yep...so well...anyway...i am in Beijing now. Well, not as happy as i thought myself to be. I dont know why. Last time, going back to my hometown used to be my ultimate goal for the yr. but now, it seems, like an annual...chore which im forced to do. well, i still do miss my relatives here, my grandmother, my dad(maybe) my cousins...and most importantly, the City itself, which i used to be very proud of. but now...i dont know if is it because i've grown up, i felt that, i no longer need all these people around, i no longer care so much about country pride or wadever patriotic stuff...i just want to have a place for myself, just a tiny little bit of area for myself, where i can lock myself in and...yeah....be alone for a while. Today's City is too complicated and noisy for me. Im just back for a wk and 1 days, and within these short 8 days, i have to go around entertaining my parent's friends with them, listen to them talking abt me, my future, their kids, their achievements...and all those bloody things which im never interested in. All those restaurant food...colourful but not tasty at all. And all those "Harvard", "Yale","Imperial College","Cornell" etc etc...come on! im living my life! i dont want to go to all those stupid countries. I am stupid! im neither future Harvard graduate nor future Yale graduate. im juz a pethatic little helpless kid who's struggling to get out of my prarent's control. well...hahahaha...i think im so lost now, i dun think i would want to go back to china to work, it's juz too corrupted, no matter how much i tried to bluff myself, the truth speaks. look at them, juz one night, juz one dinner, 3000 china bucks gone, and there's still many "nights" and "dinners" to come. life is juz like that. and im not used to it.

sighz...yeah...im stuck here, and...hahaha...u know? in beijing, the sun sets at ard 3pm wahahaha...and then after that then it starts to get dark...and i always wake up ard 12pm so my day is only half a day! im living half days everyday! wahahahah...sorry...i dun think im sane....never mind, im never sane. whooooaaaaa....a long entry....

heyz!

heyz people, please go to my photo web to look at my photos...he he he...do give some comments:)
http://wangmo.multiply.com/photos

NJPS exco farewell

err... i really duno wad to say liao lor, PS is really a failure club now, the senior farewell dinner is almost like, the seniors farewell for themselves. Our current exco, only jiayi and ian and li ang were there, and well, i dropped by and left pretty soon, feeling damn cheated cos aiya, my fav senior wasnt there and i think there's no point staying on, eating dinner with a bunch of seniors whom u dun really know or dun really like. They really failed in engaging us laz. SI jie, yixian all didnt go. so wad's the point for me to go? And jiayi and liang are like, old members, older generations, so they know the seniors well enough to be able to mix with them, poor ian. sighz. well...and the whole thing turned out to be like a flop and i think, ps will continue to stay in this state. sighz sighz...nxt yr im gona be an invisible exco, im not gona get involved in such a failure cca. well..i've tried, but it proved itself to be beyond hope. And...sighz...i really dun find anymore meanings staying in ps, maybe cos got si jie? well, and jiayi, but this guy, too profound to be considered as my friend. i'm always intimidated by his...actions...words, not that he purposely go and threaten me, but juz that, he's always very...unpredictable and deep...sighz...well...i've only seen him pissed for once, and that once is enough for me...until now i still feel like crying...when i thought of wad he said...sighz..well..never mind, life has to go on, juz one less friend...aiya...but a bit "she bu de" cos he's really a nice person when he's not angry...ha ha ha, very helpful guy, but never mind, i still got karen and si jie...:P