今夜无风，我心却荡漾

也不知道为什么深夜里还在想他。母亲不在新加坡，第一次，第一次有了一种被放飞的感觉。第一次，可以毫不顾忌地想他了。爱一个人真的好难。人活着一辈子，总会认为上天已安排好了那个将来会与你相爱的人，会毫不吝啬地把他送到你的面前，可是，月又阴晴圆缺，人有悲欢离合；有情人，最怕有缘无份。也许，我和他就是这样吧。这份积攒在心中许久的感情，不知何时才能散去？也许，也许，它将永远随着我，无论将来我会再爱上谁，这心中，永远会有一个角落是属于他的。

18年前
在父母对儿子的期待中诞生

童年
是被父亲视为儿子一般地培养中成长的
跟随父亲的信仰成为一件很重要的事
于是
6随便似懂非懂地读起毛选、马列主义
被训练对战争纪录片产生浓烈的兴趣
被送进以爱国主义教育为重点的小学
10岁以前的我，完全唯父亲马首是瞻，那时候，它使我生命中第一个也是唯一的“男人”。他是我眼中的英雄....

后来，我也开始了追星族的生涯。
不同的是
我所追的“星”，是个我很敬佩的实力派中年演员
我与其他的女学生追星族不同
我不疯狂
就是喜欢他那淡淡的微笑，他的清高、典雅、脱俗。他那渊博的学识，那优雅的举止，那琴棋书画无一不能的一身本领还有他那一刻炯热的爱国之心。。。
想他的时候，会随感而发
写下一篇优美的感文
不知不觉当中，已经喜欢他7年之久。
自我十一岁那一年，我人生中的第二个男人出现了
陈道明
一个令我梦魂牵绕的名字
只是
还是一场梦
一场圆不了的梦，他是只可远望，不可近观的这么一个人

少年时期
我已然是个姑娘
拥有了自己的看法和思想的我
就像是一只断了线的风筝
渐渐地于父母远去了
思想上的放纵带来的是行为上的叛逆
把我送来新加坡是我父母一生中最大的败笔！
在这里
我的心灵受到了污染
看到了
人性的丑陋
社会的黑暗
信仰的败落
国家的腐败
嗅到了
钱的铜臭味
体会到了
什么叫
刻骨铭心
明白了
爱一个人的痛苦
更何况
爱的是一个决不应该爱的人！
就在我渐渐成长为女人的时候
我生命中的第三个男人出现了
呵呵
真是可笑
他是我摸得找看得见的一个人
却也是我永远捉摸不透，
永远爱着却不敢告知的人

我敢对爸爸说：“我爱你！”
我敢对陈道明说：“我爱你！”
我却
不敢对他说出这简单然牵人心弦的这三个字！
我是个懦弱的人！
我不说，是怕说了以后，或许大家连朋友都作不成了呀！！
那将是我最不想看到的局面。

在以后的岁月里，我将珍存着这份还未开花便已逝去的感情。
哈哈哈哈哈哈。。。为何这人世间会有情爱？
你知道吗？
这世界上最遥远的距离
不是
生与死
而是
我就站在你面前
你却不知道我爱你....

爱上了不该爱的人，放弃吧！

年轻人说，爱情是两只好斗的小刺猬，冷了知道抱在一起暖和，却被对方的刺扎得直跳脚。抱着肉疼，离开心疼，爱情的锦袍被他们的流弹打得千疮百孔。
老一代人说，生活像是一锅粥，爱情则是炉灶里的柴；抽出了木柴，人生就变得没滋没味。横鼻子竖眼睛、吵吵闹闹了一辈子的夫妻，临了才发现最爱的还是对方。
这些是过来人对爱情的看法....而我呢，我要怎么办呢？
当时光列车载着爱情远去，我是该骑着白马奋力追赶，还是在孤灯下深深思念？
不明白为什么把这个男人这么当回事，他比自己小，身材不好，长相也不济。可是这些一点都削弱不了他的魅力。他生活里的样子实在太迷人了。真希望他能对我好一点，不要总把我不当成一回事。对我好一点，哪怕是短短的一天也好。很多次想要放弃，毕竟，如果公开，这将是不为世人所接受的一段孽缘，而且是单方面的感情自始至终。真是好笑，我曾经是多么骄傲的女孩呀！我并不是个拿得起、放不下的女孩儿，但这一次...从未如此眷恋，在心中的那一片长空，什么叫铭心，什么叫不舍，再平常的所在，也可成为心中的永远。
生
是为了证明
爱
存在的痕迹
火
燃烧了谁的爱？

不只是从什么时候开始，他令我感到害怕，这种又爱又怕的滋味让我不知道该怎么面对他，也许。。。也许，离别的时候真的到了。
心，从来没这么乱过，我是那种在感情上很霸道的女孩子，这是第一次被扔到浅滩上，上不去也下不来。想爱一个人，而这个人却根本不合作。我也明白这是畸形的爱情，是不会有结果的。可是爱情已经生出来了，我拿它毫无办法，爱让我克制不住地想他。想一个人这真不是一件好事，我特别害怕想他想出习惯来，将来想改都改不了。可是，爱情是稀少的，碰上了未必抓得住，运气不好一辈子也碰不上。。。算了，该放手了。
我知道他讨厌我，但他这样的人根本不配有人爱。我不知道他有过什么样的感情，但是我敢保证，他以后再也遇不到他想要的那种感情了。像他这样的人就应该挖一个坑把自己埋起来，旁边再竖个牌子：此处文物有待出土！

算了，去喝喝酒，让自己大醉一场，痛痛快快地哭一次，忘了他，忘了曾有过的许多幻想。让一切随风飘走吧。让时间去洗涤一切，让自己麻痹到死，也许。。。不，我很肯定，这辈子，不会再有这样刻骨铭心的感觉，但，我会过得很幸福，没有他，我也会过得很幸福。面包会有的，爱情也会有的！以后，要找一个爱我的人，我不要再去爱别人，爱一个人，真得好累。

这辈子，不会告诉任何人这个第一个真正走进我人生，真正征服了我的心的男人是谁。会让这个秘密，一辈子跟着我，进棺材，进骨灰馆。他，永远不会知道！

敢问
人世间情为何物？
只叫人生死相许！

finally funtasia is over!!!!!

wow...i think im really a very lazy girl...i only post once in a month or something...but actually my life is really very packed and exciting and tiring and hectic and anything but no where near to slack...so actually i should have a lot to write but you see...if i cant even manage to finish my hw...how am i gg to have the time to write blog?? well...so...funtasia is over, my class made a very big success earning $1900++...really it's a huge achievement considering that we sell very small slices of cheesecakes and milkshakes that were not shaked well...anyways....it's juz fun. Saw Mr Chia and Junzhan in dark room....they are very fun people...seems that im really going to get the dark room manager job...then muz really go and learn the stuff inside...like how to use the equipments so as not to lose my face nxt yr...and...the funtasia report is up in the newspaper...and mr Too is happy, Ms Woon is happy im happy everyone's happy...life is so tiring...so hard to make everyone happy...sigh...watched Davinci Code with Karen...the movie itself is not nice enough...not as good as the book...but still i love it cos it made me see Paris again...how i miss last year's London and Paris trip! this year another one coming up...with NJ art people and Mr Lee...i duno...my mum say i can go but i juz dun feel like gg...cos we'll be like the odd ones cos Mr Lee will concentrate on the yr 2 people and so we yr1 people will juz follow behind...so irritating, unlike last year, where with mr low, we were the emphasis...sigh...im juz weird....june holi's gg to be very busy for me and my mum is leaving for bejing today, leaving me alone here in Singahorrible! irritating, im not gona survive lorhz!....

Life is so miserable...

sigh...it's been a long long time since i last blogged. I was really ultra busy for the past...say 20 days? there's super loads of things waiting for me to complete! there's Lit Varied accessment, Hist VA, art VA, which is the art journal and many more outside stuff like the report on the coming funtasia and the suddenly "pop up" thing like the report on infocomm connect dialogue session, life is juz very hectic for me for the past 2 wks....i cant seem to complete anything! and last tues we tried oil painting...i dont really like it and i ended up getting myself "painted". And it wasn't even my fault la! bloody hell! last time in DHS when i dirty mysel it was all my own fault cos i keep dropping either my paint or my brush or my palette but this time, this bloody time, i was dirty because the wooden board was dirty! sucker! im becoming more and more unhappy with NJ AEP now...sigh...it's inevitable, Ms LU is just so!!!! i duno wad to say, she simply pisses me off whenever she does sth, it's like, why cant she plan her lessons well???? almost every weekend i'll receive some smses to tell me to bring some stuff for art lesson on mon. But why cant she tell us on fri's lesson and get us all prepared la?? like for this time, she smsed us on sun to tell us to bring a cardboard for lesson without telling me wad the hell she's gg to do with it. then later came out that she's gg to let us do oil painting and use it as palette. walao, if she had tole me earlier i would have brought an extra shirt with me so as to not to dirty my uniform! and i got home, scolded by my mum. im juz dead la, my parents alr. disapprove me of doing art and now im like1) spending almost all my time on it. 2)spending loads of $$ on it. 3)not sure that if im gona score cos of the art hist. 4)dirtying everything because of it!!!!

wadever Ms lu did, intentionally or unintentionally, juz made my life even more difficult and my future in art to be even dimmer. ha, my only passion and she's helping to destroy wad little im left with, the little self i have preserved for myself, im juz a very sad person...trapped and lost, sometimes i'll wake up in the middle of the night thinking where i am and why am i still living in this world. I ought to be dead, my life is of no meaning, everyday doing stuff to satisfy others....i try not to succumb to outside pressures but i always fail...ha...how interesting. wad i am left with, is only art, i want it, im desperately holding onto it, the little meaning i can find from my life, is thr. doing art. the fulfillment simply thrills me. it's hard to explain. but im very scared now, it's as though im losing it, ha, im losing the only thing that i care the only thing that i can really fall in love with and the only thing i can really hate(emotionally)...well...im juz losing it......