What matters more - Our abilities or Our choices that we make !!

I was just watching Harry Potter and the chamber of secrets(ok, i admit im wasted time which i should be using to do my Alevel revision..but...) and came across the dialogue which gave me a whole lot of food for thought.

At the end of the movie there is a scene where Professor Dumbledore (Michael Gambon) delivers a class dialogue to Harry Potter (Daniel Jacob Radcliffe) in which he mentions - "It is not abilities that show what we truly are, it is our choices".

Next moment it made me realise each one of us possesses - Abilities to create what we believe about ourselves and life but the choices we make, create all the difference. Thus it made me realize that to make a choice is all part of the plan of humanity to determine a person’s character and strengths. Choices play the most important role in making personal decisions about relationships, education, and life overall. If humanity was living without the option to make choices, our lives as people wouldn’t really be fair.

The ability to make choices while we exist in this world determines who we are or what we do with our life. It is a great gift given to us that we as humans are free to make our own choices in, from anything to everthing - whether it is relationships, education or basically everything that has to do with our being human.

Well this is a huge big topic to ponder on, this very moment my mind is mingling up with one more question - What do I feel about - A Choice in Life Choices ! ! ! and much more.....Well will speak about it in days to come.....

it's my fault...suddenly the sky becomes clear.

Someone emailed me this....no doubt he is angry, but what he wrote here, are mostly facts, he simply wrote what he wanted to say but did not say for one whole yr, in a very frank way. I dun rmb anyone in my entire 19 yrs of life ever scolded me like this, but i really do thank him, it made me realised how wrong i was in the past, i am not sure if i am capable of changing in future, but, at least it made want to try, so for this i really thank him. I am sincerely grateful, i hope, the damage that i've done to him is temporary and in future he wont get to know people like me, and i hope, he could erase his entire memory of knowing a person called wang mo, hope, we both can start afresh, as strangers, and like parallel lines, will never again intersect and know each other again. Many things, there's no turning back, and no second choice, i have known him, and i have gave him this impression of me, no matter whether i will change in future, i dun want him to rmb and know me again, and i dun beg him to change his perception of me, i just hope, if he can forget about knowing me before, it can reduce a bit of the negative impact and negative memories. I know i have been a failure and if i do not change i probably will continue to fail. But anyway, thanks for scolding senses out of me, I wish him good luck and a great future.

And lastly...

I AM SORRY....

Haha... Please don't try to run away from facts that you are unreasonable, don't pretend as if you only give me comments and suggestions. You know yourself very well that you are an aggressor, worse than anything that i've ever known. Don't try to make a sophistry cos everyone knows that. Think again before you say.

All this time attacking people, threatening the exco to withdraw yourself for repeated times. Did not that force us to tolerate you again and again and eventually force us to give in to your demands? It may be indirect but still it produced the same effect. You are just proving yourself to be an incompetent exco member who cant face challenges. I, on the contrary, though have lots of limitations and incapabilities, am proud of myself to be able to make it through til the end, given the greatest challenge i've ever had in the exco, YOU. Yes, i am proud of myself cos when i face a challenge i tackle it head-on, instead of reducing myself to an infantile state crying like a baby like what some people do.

Don't bother to reply to me if it wastes your time, cos you are wasting my bloody time also. Studying is not the most important thing in my life. Not hating and not to be hated is. but if i were allowed to make a single exception, you'll probably know the answer.

The bottomline is you are just ______________.

Oh, what was I thinking? I'm so sorry darling. But you just disturbed me from sleeping

So he says:
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Date: Sat, 28 Jul 2007 08:23:34 -0700
From: ***_********@yahoo.com
To: wang_mo@hotmail.com; **_***@******.com


Wang Mo,

I know you are not happy with the 20 CIP hours that Ms Chan and I decided to give you. So i want to explain it to you as clearly as i can even though it wastes my time so that you don't have misunderstanding

First, i want to make it clear that i will only give you maximum 20 hours. If you want less, it is all up to you, i don't care. i have sent the soft copy to Ms Chan anyway.

Secondly, i want to tell you that I do not have the ability to monitor everybody during the Seminar camp and count the number of hours that they contribute to the community. If you have better suggestion of how to do that, please tell me. You are telling me to give everybody the number of hours fairly, but how so? You want me to make an estimate based on what? Remember, an informed guess is still a guess, there's no way you can do that fairly.

Please wake up from your idealistic world where everything is perfect. Maybe you who should be the one to learn about politics. The ideal world of fairness and equality sadly, or rather unfortunately does not exist at all.

Just to let you know, the 9 hours that i gave you initially was for designing the poster, not for attending. That's why when i consulted with Ms Chan she has agreed to give 20 hours instead. I did not change that because of complaint, i changed that because you all deserved more for attending although some of us did not do much.

Honestly, the CIP system in singpore is flawed in many ways. Not only does it encourage insincerity among our youth but i also found many problems about our CIP system. Believe me i've done research on CIP for my project work so i know very well about it. So the problem here does not lie with my 'poor working attitude'. The root of the problem lies in the inherent CIP policy. If you are not happy with that, go and complain to MOE.

Please give me a break. After one year of attacking me through the email, i think i have had enough. After all, i am no longer your president and i no longer take order from you (it is ironic but that was how things used to be), enough is enough. You can take that 20 hours or just bloody chuck it away.

Calculative you are yes. I'm sorry for my limited vocabulary but i really can't transpose that word. Please help me.

And so i replied



ha, it's ironic that A02 student need a A03 student to help him transpose any simple English language. How ironic.



oh well, dun think i like to attack you, it wastes my time. And i've never given you "orders" before, i just made my views being heard, and it is your decision whether you want to follow, if you feel uncomfortable with it, it is your bloody fault, i did not force u, you are the pres and u are the one choosing to do what i tell you to, that's all. Dun try to push it to me.



I wont say i will do anything better than you if i were the pres because i've never been, but ,You being an incompetent leader is a bloody cold fact.



if you have read my email carefully which im sure u didnt, u will know that i am not not happy with the cip system, i simply dun give a damn, cos it is only useful when you need up to 100+ hrs, but i guess i did less than 10. Do i care? no i dun.



And lastly, if the seniors can count cip hours up to 1 decimal place, i dun see why you cant even give more variations, other than your 20 hrs, or 35 hrs. You are just being irresponsible, no escaping from that. it's not an attack, it's a comment.



and regarding this cip hours, you made it sound as if im desperate for it, it's ridiculous, i asked for it becos my ct wants the record, i am not happy with the hours not becos i want as many as possible, i want to cheat hours, i just want what i deserve, but according to your flawed values, it seems that 'someone trying to get what they deserve' is totally despicable.



i know u are busy mugging, as if you are the only one taking Alevels, as you are the only one needing a future, as if taking 20min from your life is as good as killing you, for the whole yr, in your mind it's you and you only, selfish you are, yes, because you simply dun give a damn to others. And dun made it as if im calculative when you came to ask for your pathetic 2 hrs of greenlink cip for a billion times. who's more calculative? you jolly well know the answer.



yes, i dun need that bloody 20 hrs, or 9 hrs or anything, it feels disgusting, as if im begging from you, ha ha, yeah, you can jolly well take it and chuck into ur bloody mouth to prevent it from shooting out any bloody unreasonable excuses.



Wang Mo



seriously, typing this reply is a waste of my time.

waiting...

Watching Waiting


Feels like I've been waiting for days
and I have
just to catch a glimpse of your face
is that sad?

And every engine that I hear on the side of the road
sends me in a spin of excited hope
I keep looking out the window
checking on my phone
waiting, watching, hoping for you to show
for you to show

Wondering should I go
and search for you?
racing through your words for some clues

Did you give up on me since the last time we spoke?
all my senses say it's crazy but still I know
in the back of my mind there's still this hope
you wouldn't walk out on me like I did to you long ago
will you show
I don't know
will you show?

And the clock on the wall is messing with my head
Drifting way ahead, and back again

So Ill stay and let the afternoon slip away
Pacing round this floor
half insane

'Till I get some resolution I'm so obsessed
I can't sleep and I can't rest
But there's still something I must confess
When it comes to you baby,
I'm a mess, Im a mess
I'm a mess, I'm a mess

And every engine that I hear outside on the road
sends me in a spin of excited hope
I keep looking out the window
checking out my phone
Waiting, Watching, Hoping for you to show
will you show
I don't know
will you show?


a nice song....got to know it from a...friend's photoblog, she was once very close to me. err...i like the lyrics...

after so long did we just realised that we havent understood each other well enough? I have few close friends because of the fact that i dun like having friends...cos...it's too painful for me when i lose them...when you dont have something, you wont feel the sense of loss when it is taken away from you...sigh...

i said "And I think. It's seriously a misunderstanding that I took you as friend, I think we all do not understand each other well enough"

and she replied, "Yeah I agree. Really sorry for not being understanding. But likewise, you probably don't understand me well enough either."and then, i felt, that's it. Ended. just like this...

this is life isnt it? think i will encouter many otehr similar incidents like this, i should learn from now, not to invest too much emotions in friendship.

but, it is the only thing that's pure, the only thing that you cant use business law to measure the amount of investment and the amount of profits...keep it clean...

more patience? i've no more such things.

my patience is running thin.

warnings to karen yeh, si jie and ian.

and shen jiayi.

all of these above people made me angry, and cry, and...emo. within 3 days. what a vibrant and happening life im leading.

one by one they are becoming more and more foreign to me. Now, at least, at this point of time, this second, when i think of each of them, i felt like crying. It's the just the feeling of hurt. Many said that this year i've totally focused my life on jiayi and jiayi only, but somehow, to my surprise, i did not know that the feeling of loosing friends can be so painful. But this time, i think, it's time to see things clearly. It might not be a bad thing, after all, i dont think we understood each other well enough to label each other with the word "friends"

for jiayi, he's a nice person, my intense feelings for him has made me expect more from him, and probably because of his nice character, he treats everyone equally well, and so, when i am giving my 100% to him, i am getting his 1% together with everyone else. This becomes a little bit unbearable after a long while and now im reaching my tolerance limit...

for karen, we've beeen friends for almost 4 yrs now and i've realised, just very recently, that i do not understand her well. Or, may be she has changed, changed a lot, many DHS art students, like xinni, all commented that she changed a lot. But did she really change? i dun think so, may be that's the real her, from the outside she's pale and soft, but in the inside she's strong and stubborn. but, very steady. it seems the little tiny things that i always get angry with, to her, they are just another occasion whereby wang mo is making a big fuss about a small thing, while to me, it is the same, when she gets pissed with something, they are usually things that i would not even bother to care about. So we both could not feel enough for each other's situations...may be...it's time to just..oh well, in sec sch till jc, i've been giving her at least 50% of my total friendship, care and concern, treating her as my only best friend, but now, i think, it's all not that necessary anymore...she doesnt need the 50% anyway.l...

for si jie, i think it started as a mistake, and now it's ending, and i think i did not make any mistake this time. She is a nice girl, capable and sensible and kept me company thr.out the tough times in ps. We found comfort in each other's way of doing things, we thought we hold on to the similar set of principles, values, do things the similar way...we used to have similar opinions, everything just seemed to go so well btw us, and i thought she is my best friend in jc, though character wise different from me, we can be very close friends. We both respect each other and understand each other. But today, i realised that im wrong, terribly wrong, we are too different, we both do not understand each other well, the happy days in ps are just illusions, we were too busy 'fighting' with 'common enemy' to the extent that we turned a blindeye to each other's differences, but now i see it, and so does she, and so, it's time to draw a fullstop to this friendship as well.

for ian, we both's friendship has been going through some kind of roller coaster, too many ups and downs, and till now, not in any point of time in ps have i really fully thought that i understood him. He's a complex guy, i've tried so so so many times to remain on good terms with him, but he just kept on provoking me, i do believe he did not do those things in purpose, but the consequences...i think we are just not fated to be friends...

Suddenly, im left with no more close friends, am i lonely? no...im a strong girl, i dun cry in front of my parents, i dun want to cry in front of others, so i swallow my tears, withough friends, i still can live my life to the fullest. i wont be lonely, after today, things would be very different then............

我的心在痛，你懂吗？

嘉易，我喜欢你，你知不知道？

Now his MSN nick is attached with this

--爱在心里口难开

而我呢，也同样在感受着这种心情，好像爱情永远都喜欢这样折磨人。。。最近在一个很伤感的夜晚，不小心写下了一段如此的文字，是在陶冶情操吗？相信我没有那样的闲情逸致。。。只是，心很痛，痛得不得不写出些什么，因为，当你尝试把诸多此类的心痛藏在心中底处时，终有一天会痛到彻底地发疯。。。



伤感



曾说过不知道多少次，要放下对他的那份喜欢，只是真要做起来却又谈何容易...很多时候的梦，常常是在暗房，有时他是在做习题，有时是在准备相机，也偶尔抬起头，目光水一般漫过我的脸。我望着他，却始终无法言语...
淡淡的欢喜每个清晨都在心头弥漫，有时喜欢留字条给他，一个字一个字地很认真地写，执著而且虔诚。暗房成了每天向往的圣地，因为那是常看到他的地方。他是那样优秀的男孩，成绩名列前茅，有很好的音乐天赋并很有领导能力的他，轮廓清晰、目光清澈，常常穿着宽松的校服，是众人眼里的好好先生。而我，脾气暴躁，不单任性而且很我行我素，无论成绩还是其他都无法与他相比。我仿佛是喜欢他的，却在他的光环里被压迫不能言语。
一直不希望任何人知道我与他之间的故事，却仿佛人人都知道，目光追随猜疑不定，流言四起。我开始想要躲着他，一起做事时不再偷偷看他，一起走路时故意放慢脚步，让自己落在后面，不再为他写字条。希望能够做到绝决而且坚定。
忙忙碌碌读书、考试，彼此的距离在时间里潜滋暗长，我们仿佛陌路不曾相识。偶然翻出一张自制的卡片，才发现是去年为自己而做的，上面写到：该忘记的就必须忘记，该放手的也就只能放手。
而终于是，我决定试着放下，走我自己的路，也许，在多年以后，他将遗失在时间的迷宫再无消息。我想我的曾经和现在都还是喜欢着他的，而终于没有来得及说，在伤感来袭时，只有告诉自己：爱在别处。寂寞无所依时便会逼自己想：一路上，与他不可能同行。若不能拥有，那么就让我遥望，在心灵能够企及的远方，可以将悲伤隐藏。只是，当我迈出了一步，要离他稍微远一些，却又会想：若此时能看到他那温暖的微笑，该多好...


我想，我现在。。。在。恨。着。他。。。。恨他的冷漠，也恨他的友好。。。恨他的若即若离。。。

2007年7月27日凌晨1点07分。。。又有一片伤心的叶子坠落了。。。



Although you are with someone else,
I want to have my say
Without invading your domain
Or scaring you away.

I respect the choice you made
And all that you decide,
But I would just like you to know
I want you by my side.

As a lake deep in a wood
Awaits a cool, fresh breeze,
I will wait, a patient eye,
While you do as you please.

I know that you don't feel for me
The way I feel for you.
We're good friends, I value that,
There's nothing you need do.

But as a friend I need to tell you
What is in my heart.
An unsaid truth is like a wall,
Keeping us apart.

My love for you will go nowhere,
Will just remain with me.
I'll hold it in my quiet arms
And feel it constantly.

Something's wrong with me recently.

Jay Chou's new movie...well...i dun really like him but im quite interested in the movie's content, sort of coincides with my course work idea..and what's more...the english title for the movie is...SECRET!! how appropriate!!!...hmmm...:)

Recently im easily angered. I duno why, feel very irritated with everyone else including even myself. Well, i got very very pissed with jiayi, for no specific reason, oops, no, there is a reason but i shall not tell other people. But somehow, things are changing, now, no matter what he does, i feel like scolding him. And...yeah...but still, im trying my best not to show my hostility, afterall, i need to take photos of him for my course work...may be...may be it's because im no longer liking him? hmmm...i doubt so...but the feelings might have just changed. And...im really pissed that he always take me for granted, things that i gave him, things that i do for him, all the compromises and all the supports...he took them all without reciprocating a single bit. sigh...im a failure right? haha...not that im expecting anything concrete, but at least treat me a little bit nicer? not like anyone else, not like showing me the "im tolerating you" face all the time? well...oh welll...

hmmm...whitby's lesson this morning was scary, i think im developing a certain kind of phobia towards him. Really...probably because of my poor performance in lit? It's the only subject that i doubt i will get anything near an A or a B for Alevels...wah...worrying man!

oh....hoho...met cheryl on the corridor near darkroom...and talked to her...she's really a funny junior...haha...like me...hahaha...im a little be worried for her...and also...oh well...how are we gona face each other if things become worse btw jy and i in future?...considering that she's good friends with both of us?....oh...shit....

aiya...work hard la...havent done my SEA hist SBQ...shit.....shittttt...im so screwed....and i feel so lonely and stressed now...so lonely...had a bit of a small quarel with karen, it wasn't even a big thing. But i think the understanding that was developed btw the 2 of us 4 yrs ago is slowly diminishing...how sad...arhhhh...i hate dealing with people now...it's my problem i guess...i should just go and live on some island....and reflect on myself???

so sian...

did another one of the photoshop thingy, feathered up to 200 pixel...sigh...im getting sick of him. He is a damn bloody freaking careful and thoughtful person, so thoughtful that im starting to become scared of him...He's is not being honest with me, then that's it.

arhhhhhhhhhh....can you believe it? i only had 1 lesson today, Hist lecture. Walau ehhh...i think im simply just suay. I went to school early this morning for prize giving, and again it is postponed bcos mrs cheng has to rush off for some stupid talk. And the worse is, i have to present tmr in the hall! i wonder where i will be standing after that, backstage? wow!

And then Stupid Andrea tan did not come to school, so no GP, but she asked the rep to make us redo outline for AQ. Screw her la! She's such a lousy GP teacher, i think im be cursed, i wont score well with her being my GP teacher.

And i duno why, i got pissed with shen jiayi. Very pissed. Dun ask why. He bluffed me. Bastard.

Ohhhhhhhhhhhhh....one good thing is that im so impressed by the Warwick university talk, i think the guy is cool. And the information booklet is so so so useful! Now i know that i need a AABB to get into Politics and International studies, and if i do psychology then is ABBB and sociology is even easier, BBBC or BBCC...wowo...

ha ha...and i did both functions and trigo functions math today, but quite lose face cos i had to resort to asking shen jiayi questions, and he answered within 2min. wow...am i stupid or am i stupid???

hahahahahahahaha

hmm...bad day again...

i did this photoshop montage for like 2 hrs. stupid right. not because it's extremely hard, only because i made loads of mistakes...paiseh...


It seems that today my luck is not really much better than yesterday. Went to school early in the morning for the planned prize giving, in the end It was drizzling, so the prize giving was postponed. Somehow, it seems that PS can never go anything according to plan, ha ha, last minute changes always happen. But this time cannot fault them, cos it’s because of the weather. Hmm…

Then first period is math lecture, I think Ms Ling is really a good and efficient teacher. I’m really hoping to get a A for math. Yahhhh!!! Muz jiayou…but then, sadly, you know at the end of her lecture, she called my name and asked where was I last Friday, “!!!!” I was stunned, cos, though im not the kind who is scared of teachers, she did make me cry once before, because I was late for lesson, so im pretty afraid of her now. Then in the end I somehow, became dumb..and my friend has to help me answer her, they proved that I was there last Friday, just that I was sitting somewhere behind with Jensen, not at my usual place with my AEP friends. Sigh…what is this? Sheer bad luck?

Anyway...then i had SEA hist, i think im very much behind now, i didnt know that vietnam joined ASEAN in 1995 and Myamnar joined in 1997...sighz...and i didn't even know that SEA has already signed the Free Trade Agreement with China! And the new problem with Myamnar right now is that it is trying to build a nuclear reactor...wow...

GP...the lesson was sooo sian, GP is really a waste of time man, i think it causes my intelligence level to drop to 0. anyway, i got scolded by andrea tan for being "active" in her class...(wad the hell, only because i tried answering her qn)...what the hell.

then i got back whitby's paper, i failed it, and he put "Sooooooooooooooooooo Disappointing" and im like, well, i share with your sentiments too, i am disappointed with the horrendous result, dun think you are the only one who's suffering. And later i ponned Dio's lesson, im totally giving up on lit. sigh.

Art...lousy, i was busy doing my experiements, nothing much, felt as if i've wasted my time again. but i did a collage of jiayi's photos. quite nice i think. this time i think i've captured his true smiles, to a certain extent.

anyway...i duno lahz...im juz not in a good mood to do anything, and heyz! I've just realised that tmr i only have hist lect and 1 gp lesson, walau eh...im free from morning till after lunch..i go school for what??? strange life im leading...sighz...

A really lousy day......-_-''''

well, the day started in a bad way, i woke late in the morning and was late for school. The problem is, i actually did wake up on time, like...6.05am, but then somehow, some unknown forces made me fell asleep again and by the nxt time that i woke up, it is already 720am. So, i kind of forsee myself being late and strolling slowly to the school. And as i've expected, Mr Dong stood there waiting, ok, so what. He seemed angry, scolding someone, but he knows me, cos we always joke together, and when i walk pass me, he said, "so you are late also because the bus breakdown? i knew it la, cos you are too fat right? wahahahaha..." the resonance of his voice kind of...err...well, anyway, if sounds funny but it isnt funny to me at that point of time.

Then, i went to the artrm, took my pe shirt and went to the canteen, and on my way there, i was kind of dazed, so many people waved at me and i din see them, as in, i hear a lot of people calling my name, but i only notice them when they appeared right in front of me. Wahhh...am i getting old? i think im pissed with myself...errr...

Well, got back my GP, not that bad, i didn't fail! So got a D. And History remained a C...no surprises, if i am not wrong, my CT result this time is BBBCDE. yeah, walau eh. sigh. never mind. Anyway, i attended this UK/US university talk by a guy named Kevin Sim, heard that he is quite famous and influencial and useful, and he's really a cool guy. After hearing him talk, i realised that there's really a whole ton of things to prepare for US uni application, and SAT need at least 2100, (considering i am only taking it on 6th Oct, i think im really screwed) sighz...i think i should change my target to like, Canada or Australia instead. May be Torento?hmmm....

aiya...then comes the stupid PS thing, i duno, i kind of juz pop in during their session.Then some of them gave me the "why are you still here" kind of look, fine, whatever...im here simply because jiayi asks me to come. what the hell. fine then. they are really quite screwed la, i saw jiayi trying to fix the huge tokina zoom lens today, and later it was declared "dead", see lah, they took over only a few days and now the prescious lens is spoilt. 0_-''''

i think the new vice pres hate me, but i've no choice, i did not target him and too bad that he always irritate my junior, as in, i duno, everytime when cheryl tell me that he irritates her i kind of get a bit pissed, then when he tries to get power from jiayi and not respect him, i also get quite angry. As in, perceptions really do change quite fast, not long ago like in May, i was still thinking that he's quite a nice person. anyway, today in darkroom, he was playing with the thing to pluck out the film tool...then im like...you cant play with this as it is already going to be spoilt and we only have one this thing, and he gave me this very very weird look. really, i bet he's cursing me laz, but i dun care la. and...wad the hell, now i relaly understand why cheryl dun want to see him, i also duno, im so pissed with the juniors, when i was taking the photos of jiayi for my course work, then they dare to send down the juniors to take back cam from me cos they need to upload photos, cant they just wait for me to take finish and then i can help them upload la. walau eh...my course work is impt lor. sigh...the juniors...never mind...think i should just refrain myself from going into darkroom in future. wad the hell.

sigh...

Because i like YOU, that's why.....

leaf...are you also waiting for...someone?...Well, i am...waiting...for someone whom i know will never come.....

Well, it’s been really long since I last blogged. I duno, well, perhaps, im afraid that he will by any chance, come across this blog. Anyway, since now I’ve changed it to only accessible to invited readers, hope it’s ok now le.

It’s been very very weird for these 2 months, many things happened. Many. I duno, my JC life is ending and only by then did it really starts to get busy. Oh. I cant say that because, I think, im still very slack compared to my friends.

Got back CT, most of my CT results, Art H2 got a B, not bad actually, considering that half of the class failed, both my essays and course work got B so combined result is a B too. What im disappointed with is H3, my research essay got an A but then the written exam I got 19/30, though it’s like, the 2nd highest mark in class, it is not good enough to get me an A, so I ended up getting 66 for that, which means I get a merit, what the hell, the range for merit is 55-69, and im just like 4 marks away from a distinction! This is totally not fair! Sigh…but anyway, I am the 2nd or 3rd in class for H3 as well, so what more shld I be asking for? Ok…Math got a B too, 66, rather happy with it, considering that I got like 49 for the previous common test, it is a great improvement err...Hist got back international, 1 mark away from B...but 3rd in class, so not bad...it’s kind of hard competing with those guys who usually score well in this subj, but I will try, and I’m confident enough that I wll emerge victorious in the end, like I always did, hahaha..ego..oh...well...oh yeah...now comes the bad results, GP got 26/50 for GP...very lousy and im 200% sure I failed the compre so ok, for the first time in my jc life im going to fail something, and it’s GP. Im really angry this time. Well, and for Lit, it’s definitely a fail, definite, the best I could hope getting is an E…and im seriously hoping for it.sigh…I was wrong right from the start to choose Elit, if I chose Clit, it’s a promised A for me, think my stubborn and proud character doomed me. Sighhhhh...

I think I should be rather grateful with this result now, I’ve been ponning lessons, not handing up assignments, always busy with PS and all my teachers are always so surprised with my results whenever they see them. Because they kind of expected me to fail each time and each time I manage to produce rather nice grades...but I dun think this is gona continue especially if im gona continue to slack, A level is no joke, and my parents are aiming at Yale and Princeton, errrkkkk I feel really really stressed.very...ok..SAT...here I am...coming for YOU!

oh yar, finally ps handed over, i felt so happy...but still i wont deny that there is this tinge of sadness, i realised that i missed it a lot. Holding the darkroom key now makes me feel very confused and dazed...i cant seem to position myself correctly. Well, im still concerned about it, strange isnt it? i will be worried sometimes, and yeah, it's strange how people still treat me like the darkroom manager, ms chan, jiayi, longhao, aep ppl and everyone else, ask me to prepare cams, help them develop things and even go for ps when im free. It's kind of...well...i duno, i've retired, should i still go and appear in front of all the ps people or should i simply just disappear like ian and si jie and...all the rest? Im in a dilemma...well...may be i should just really retire...sigh...im not happy with the junior batch at all, the only reason why i wanted to continue to care about it is because im worried for jiayi, esp when cheryl is not in the exco, without her help, he seems very lonely, the very first exco meeting they had alr. worries me as the new exco have their own small cliques to talk within themselves, and only jiayi is seating there alone, no one talking or sharing with him, staring into blank space, a really pathetic scene...and...duno why, jiayi, longhao, ms chan, yk...all still kept telling me the "inside stories" abt what's happening and what they think. think im too extra, an outsider who knows too much...arhk....run....

well...hahaha...talked to jiayi last night online, and he told me about his girl again, strangely im not jealous or what, and i sincerely wish him happiness and hope that the girl will accept him. I duno, i think, im just liking him for the sake of liking him, enjoying the feeling of liking him, helping him, making him happy and i've never really tot of haveing him to return that kind of passion...just like, when i buy him present, all i want to see is his smiles, never did i expect to get any present from him, ha ha, im a silly girl yes, but im not stupid, i know others wont understand, but i understand how i feel, it's call "happiness".

I wish him good luck and happiness, really, and i dun mind dwelling in my own little sad world, if we look at it in a different way...it's kind of pretty too...because i've never expected anything, there's no sense of lost isnt it? ha haha...i think, i am growing up...