sighz....revision revision and revision, today is the first study day for march common test and im so damn screwed....mr Tsang didnt reply me sms asking for consultation...whatever, like it will be useful like that, it's juz to make me feel better, im juz trying to fool myself by telling myself that" hey, you've tried, u even asked for consultation! too bad you dont score...not ur fault........."
I'm a bloody failure, sighz.....hist....Ms Oon says my structure, content, thesis...everything got problem, int. hist all the middle east thingy...oh gosh...im gona die for hist...
sighz....
came across this at youtube...the funny part is when u see someone who resembles our dear photog president...sliding past the camera...:P
Tuesday, February 27, 2007
Sunday, February 18, 2007
CNY...where's my CNY?
sighz...another chinese new yr, that, doesnt belong to me. I think, in my memory...my last real chinese new year stopped in the year of 1999. it's the last one that i spent in beijing, and so was the last one which i felt chinese new year is really something like a festival. the CNY in singapore are always like any other days in my life, nothing special at all. I felt as if im the 3rd party...watching people busy preparing for their festival...without feeling...kind of numb to this..like...whenever people tell me,"heyz...mo, chinese new year coming! so excited!"...then i'll be...'yar..it's coming..but so what?' ...i thought i'm fully integrated into this society but actually, im wrong, i still feel i dont belong here, but sadly, i dont feel i belong to beijing either, this few yrs when go back to beijing, it seemed to get more and more foreign each yr...ha ha ha ha ha...suddenly felt im unwanted.ha ha ha ha...never mind....
and wanted to mug today...but ended up sleeping...was quite troubled last night....
ysd while was chatting with my friend online...reached to a point of final realisation...duno if im right to describe it this way...was talking to this guy who's my very good friend...got to know him in sph and he's the sunny...cheerful...funny type....ha ha...a very pleasant guy. had a very good impression of him when we first met. but took him as a normal friend. and as time passes...we became gd friends and i start to tell him some of my secrets and problems...including me liking [the him in nj]. and he was really very nice, kept consoling me and cheering me up...a nice guy really....i thought we are just friends....
and then ysd....he told me he's attracted to me...to my character for quite a while alr. he said that we shld meet earlier, then his girlfriend wont be 'her' now and i will like him instead of [the him in nj]. i tot he was joking and said so i said,'yar...may be i shld like guys like you, more straight forward...easier for me' then he said that never mind..we can catch up now....then slowly, it kind of became clear that he's not joking. and....he asked me out. i am confused, i duno how i feel.sometimes things are so funny, i dun like such complications but nothing's simple in life. simplicity is just another form of complex ideology isnt it? sighz...so now im stuck here, duno to conitnue to 'an lian'[the him in nj] which i know will definitely end up still as 'an lian' cos he'll never like me, but at least, im quite sure i like him, have very strong feelings towards him...or shld i accept the other guy, at least, if i do that, i find one who likes me more than i like him, and, it might well be developed into a 2 way relationship cos i can slowly cultivate feelings towards him. but the qn is, is it fair to him? can love be cultivated? can we really catch up the 'lost time'?
i dun want to react too fast, cos i've used to be a passive partner in several relationships and the sense of guilt follows. and this case is kind of special, cos it's not at all arranged by my parents...and..he was my friend initially...friendship....sometimes can be more impt than love and probably it's the very reason why i dun want to tell [the nj him] that i like him, cos it ruins the friendship...when the purity in friendship diminishes slowly...the core of it will get rusty and slowly corrode away.....
cofusion...sadness...im trapped in all these..........
and wanted to mug today...but ended up sleeping...was quite troubled last night....
ysd while was chatting with my friend online...reached to a point of final realisation...duno if im right to describe it this way...was talking to this guy who's my very good friend...got to know him in sph and he's the sunny...cheerful...funny type....ha ha...a very pleasant guy. had a very good impression of him when we first met. but took him as a normal friend. and as time passes...we became gd friends and i start to tell him some of my secrets and problems...including me liking [the him in nj]. and he was really very nice, kept consoling me and cheering me up...a nice guy really....i thought we are just friends....
and then ysd....he told me he's attracted to me...to my character for quite a while alr. he said that we shld meet earlier, then his girlfriend wont be 'her' now and i will like him instead of [the him in nj]. i tot he was joking and said so i said,'yar...may be i shld like guys like you, more straight forward...easier for me' then he said that never mind..we can catch up now....then slowly, it kind of became clear that he's not joking. and....he asked me out. i am confused, i duno how i feel.sometimes things are so funny, i dun like such complications but nothing's simple in life. simplicity is just another form of complex ideology isnt it? sighz...so now im stuck here, duno to conitnue to 'an lian'[the him in nj] which i know will definitely end up still as 'an lian' cos he'll never like me, but at least, im quite sure i like him, have very strong feelings towards him...or shld i accept the other guy, at least, if i do that, i find one who likes me more than i like him, and, it might well be developed into a 2 way relationship cos i can slowly cultivate feelings towards him. but the qn is, is it fair to him? can love be cultivated? can we really catch up the 'lost time'?
i dun want to react too fast, cos i've used to be a passive partner in several relationships and the sense of guilt follows. and this case is kind of special, cos it's not at all arranged by my parents...and..he was my friend initially...friendship....sometimes can be more impt than love and probably it's the very reason why i dun want to tell [the nj him] that i like him, cos it ruins the friendship...when the purity in friendship diminishes slowly...the core of it will get rusty and slowly corrode away.....
cofusion...sadness...im trapped in all these..........
CNY...where's my CNY?
sighz...another chinese new yr, that, doesnt belong to me. I think, in my memory...my last real chinese new year stopped in the year of 1999. it's the last one that i spent in beijing, and so was the last one which i felt chinese new year is really something like a festival. the CNY in singapore are always like any other days in my life, nothing special at all. I felt as if im the 3rd party...watching people busy preparing for their festival...without feeling...kind of numb to this..like...whenever people tell me,"heyz...mo, chinese new year coming! so excited!"...then i'll be...'yar..it's coming..but so what?' ...i thought i'm fully integrated into this society but actually, im wrong, i still feel i dont belong here, but sadly, i dont feel i belong to beijing either, this few yrs when go back to beijing, it seemed to get more and more foreign each yr...ha ha ha ha ha...suddenly felt im unwanted.ha ha ha ha...never mind....
and wanted to mug today...but ended up sleeping...was quite troubled last night....
ysd while was chatting with my friend online...reached to a point of final realisation...duno if im right to describe it this way...was talking to this guy who's my very good friend...got to know him in sph and he's the sunny...cheerful...funny type....ha ha...a very pleasant guy. had a very good impression of him when we first met. but took him as a normal friend. and as time passes...we became gd friends and i start to tell him some of my secrets and problems...including me liking [the him in nj]. and he was really very nice, kept consoling me and cheering me up...a nice guy really....i thought we are just friends....
and then ysd....he told me he's attracted to me...to my character for quite a while alr. he said that we shld meet earlier, then his girlfriend wont be 'her' now and i will like him instead of [the him in nj]. i tot he was joking and said so i said,'yar...may be i shld like guys like you, more straight forward...easier for me' then he said that never mind..we can catch up now....then slowly, it kind of became clear that he's not joking. and....he asked me out. i am confused, i duno how i feel.sometimes things are so funny, i dun like such complications but nothing's simple in life. simplicity is just another form of complex ideology isnt it? sighz...so now im stuck here, duno to conitnue to 'an lian'[the him in nj] which i know will definitely end up still as 'an lian' cos he'll never like me, but at least, im quite sure i like him, have very strong feelings towards him...or shld i accept the other guy, at least, if i do that, i find one who likes me more than i like him, and, it might well be developed into a 2 way relationship cos i can slowly cultivate feelings towards him. but the qn is, is it fair to him? can love be cultivated? can we really catch up the 'lost time'?
i dun want to react too fast, cos i've used to be a passive partner in several relationships and the sense of guilt follows. and this case is kind of special, cos it's not at all arranged by my parents...and..he was my friend initially...friendship....sometimes can be more impt than love and probably it's the very reason why i dun want to tell [the nj him] that i like him, cos it ruins the friendship...when the purity in friendship diminishes slowly...the core of it will get rusty and slowly corrode away.....
cofusion...sadness...im trapped in all these..........
and wanted to mug today...but ended up sleeping...was quite troubled last night....
ysd while was chatting with my friend online...reached to a point of final realisation...duno if im right to describe it this way...was talking to this guy who's my very good friend...got to know him in sph and he's the sunny...cheerful...funny type....ha ha...a very pleasant guy. had a very good impression of him when we first met. but took him as a normal friend. and as time passes...we became gd friends and i start to tell him some of my secrets and problems...including me liking [the him in nj]. and he was really very nice, kept consoling me and cheering me up...a nice guy really....i thought we are just friends....
and then ysd....he told me he's attracted to me...to my character for quite a while alr. he said that we shld meet earlier, then his girlfriend wont be 'her' now and i will like him instead of [the him in nj]. i tot he was joking and said so i said,'yar...may be i shld like guys like you, more straight forward...easier for me' then he said that never mind..we can catch up now....then slowly, it kind of became clear that he's not joking. and....he asked me out. i am confused, i duno how i feel.sometimes things are so funny, i dun like such complications but nothing's simple in life. simplicity is just another form of complex ideology isnt it? sighz...so now im stuck here, duno to conitnue to 'an lian'[the him in nj] which i know will definitely end up still as 'an lian' cos he'll never like me, but at least, im quite sure i like him, have very strong feelings towards him...or shld i accept the other guy, at least, if i do that, i find one who likes me more than i like him, and, it might well be developed into a 2 way relationship cos i can slowly cultivate feelings towards him. but the qn is, is it fair to him? can love be cultivated? can we really catch up the 'lost time'?
i dun want to react too fast, cos i've used to be a passive partner in several relationships and the sense of guilt follows. and this case is kind of special, cos it's not at all arranged by my parents...and..he was my friend initially...friendship....sometimes can be more impt than love and probably it's the very reason why i dun want to tell [the nj him] that i like him, cos it ruins the friendship...when the purity in friendship diminishes slowly...the core of it will get rusty and slowly corrode away.....
cofusion...sadness...im trapped in all these..........
Saturday, February 17, 2007
little emo mo
sighz...thought that after so long, i would have gotten over him but reality proves me wrong. I think im more and more into him. the past 2 months has been exciting and tiring. I duno why, everytime i see him stressed or tired, i felt the pain. and still, as usual, i cant do much to help him. And i think, we've became closer friends. However, that does not help in anything, i am as unwilling to tell him as i used to be. even though more people got to know about it, i am determined to let him wait till the last min. i hope, this will make him feel something. ok, i am going to do my art course work, and use it to reveal my love for him to him. i bluffed him into agreeing to be my model, i know he's just being nice. and so by now i can legally make sketches of him, and do my course work freely. My course work will probably be an installation, portratying a strong girl's image but when you walk into her heart, you'll realise that she actually has this soft spot and this soft spot is him. i am going to build an environment, a big challenge for me but somehow, i feel excited to do it. tuesday i made a plaster facial cast of him, having him to make great sacrifice, cos it's definitely a very good experience having loads of liquid plaster on ur face and feel it hardening and feel the heat given out, and then later getting ur hairs plucked out together with the plaster cast. well, he's nice enough to do it for my art. thanks so much, but i think, he's just being nice and no more other things.
sigh....
and then on wed, which is vday, i asked my friend to pass him a sunflower, nicely nicely wrapped, with nice ribbons....sighz...heard from my friend that he looked very surprised but was very polite and thanked her. well, 'surprised'...i duno what it means....open ended....
sometimes i feel that im like a porcupine...really, like what mr lee said...a porcupine. but he only knew half...yes, im like a porcuppine, full of sharp,destructive spines, always ready to protect and defend myself. people see me as aggressive creature, but they fail to consider the fact that it is always the most vulnerable creature that will try desperately to find security for themselves and likewise, i am not as strong as i seem to be, not as confident, not as courageous....i am merely trying to make a safety shield for myself using the spines.... and now, i've met a guy whom im willing to do anything for him, including plucking off all my spines. With all my spines, he cant go near me, and so i plucked off my spines, one by one, trying to change myself, with the sacrifice of the very thing that i treasured...and then...i am afraid...when im finally free of any spines, exposing my flesh, most inner self, the answer that awaited for me is a 'no'. and by that time, i would have no more spines to shield me, no more castle for me to hide, no more...nothing...nothing to protect me...and then, it will be the eventual destruction of me.
silly girl, someone use to say....what will you say to a girl who's willing to be silly and be....destroyed...?
silly.............i am just, not, good enough, for.........him
sigh....
and then on wed, which is vday, i asked my friend to pass him a sunflower, nicely nicely wrapped, with nice ribbons....sighz...heard from my friend that he looked very surprised but was very polite and thanked her. well, 'surprised'...i duno what it means....open ended....
sometimes i feel that im like a porcupine...really, like what mr lee said...a porcupine. but he only knew half...yes, im like a porcuppine, full of sharp,destructive spines, always ready to protect and defend myself. people see me as aggressive creature, but they fail to consider the fact that it is always the most vulnerable creature that will try desperately to find security for themselves and likewise, i am not as strong as i seem to be, not as confident, not as courageous....i am merely trying to make a safety shield for myself using the spines.... and now, i've met a guy whom im willing to do anything for him, including plucking off all my spines. With all my spines, he cant go near me, and so i plucked off my spines, one by one, trying to change myself, with the sacrifice of the very thing that i treasured...and then...i am afraid...when im finally free of any spines, exposing my flesh, most inner self, the answer that awaited for me is a 'no'. and by that time, i would have no more spines to shield me, no more castle for me to hide, no more...nothing...nothing to protect me...and then, it will be the eventual destruction of me.
silly girl, someone use to say....what will you say to a girl who's willing to be silly and be....destroyed...?
silly.............i am just, not, good enough, for.........him
Saturday, February 10, 2007
JC2, my life....
well, it's been 2 months since im back from china, time really flies, with juz a blink of eyes and 2months of my J2 life are gone. Life in J2 is really hard, very busy, may be that's the reason why i didn't notice that time is passing. Everyday i have mountains and mountains od hw piling up. After Ms Su left, the new tcher seemed to be the kind of tcher who's very on. and so, as a result, with a hardworking tcher, u have to be 2 times more hardworking as a student. So from like having 1 assignment in every 5 months we changed to having assignments or hw for SEA hist almost every single tutorial. But luckily, international hist remained in the same pacing. and now i have 3 hrs of make up lesson for SEA every wed, i was so shocked to realise that ms Su left out on entire whole topic last yr without me realising it, she juz jumped from rise of nationalism to experimenting with parliamentry democracy. So now i know, she forgot about decolonization. fine.
and math, changed to Mr Tsung as tutorial tcher, i dont understand why the whole world is saying that he is a superb tcher. He speaks in such a monotone voice that never fails to bring me to my dreams. And, i also know that this is my yr2, so no matter how tired i am, i tried to stay awake and now, comes the catalyst, mr tsung's voice. I duno why i just have this idea that he doesnt really give a damn abt the h1 ppl. and the ms lim, a very fierce young lady, i dun like her as a person, proud, vain, but i have to admit i prefer her to mr tsung cos at least she makes me do stuff during her lect, i can proudly say that i've never wasted a single lect since the beginning of this yr.
and art, mr lee is my tutor, it's all planned out well i guess, no other tcher would be able to handle me, according to mr lee. anyway, it's pleasant to have him as my course work tcher, i couldnt imagine anyone else being my tutor, i would juz die if i get ms lu. well, mr lee is really able to make me think, and all he ever did with me for the past month is to chat with me and get to know me, he said he's very scared of me and i probably is his most challenging student since he started teaching, i duno why, but nvm, let's just see how things will turn out, will it be a disaster or a great success? either way....
and lit, still, my weakest subj, got a C during promo...ms chua...heard she's secretly evil, well, have to observer her longer to see if she's safe to get close. mr whitby became more and more temperamental, emotional, agitated, worked up, frustrated.....he shouts much more often recently, guess he just cant stand us being so superbly quiet, well, we cant help it, it's scary talking in front of him, he's juz too knowledegeable, like a dictionary. Mr Dio...funny guy, but i think too slack... i really have no idea how i am gona survive the 6hrs exam for lit, shld go and drown myself instead.
and...H3, really an eye opening experience for me, the lecturer, Dr Carls is really humorous, a cool british guy. but the course itself is really boring, geopolitics, often i've been questioning myself if i had chose the right course, cos it seemed very geog. well, since i've alr. taken it, juz hope i can get the best out of it ba. im both scared and excited.
well, life juz gets more and more busy, i've been sleeping for only averagely 4hrs per day cos i stress myself to finish all the hw which can be said as an impossible task. and, having achieved a result of BBBCC in promos, i cant let myself down for this coming march common test, i cant tolerate seeing a deproved grade, im not prepared for that, not at all, but i know im not much better than others and i've wasted my dec holi at hw being sick....so...i need to mug mug mug mug mug and mug! sigh...may be if i jump into a river, i might have some of the heat lifted from my shoulder. I cried that day, in sch, while doing my hist essay outline, i guess im juz too stressed, i felt like vomitting all the time...not that i've done anything with any guy, i juz felt im always at the boiling point, and it's soooooooooooooooo fine, stop complaining, go mug le.
and math, changed to Mr Tsung as tutorial tcher, i dont understand why the whole world is saying that he is a superb tcher. He speaks in such a monotone voice that never fails to bring me to my dreams. And, i also know that this is my yr2, so no matter how tired i am, i tried to stay awake and now, comes the catalyst, mr tsung's voice. I duno why i just have this idea that he doesnt really give a damn abt the h1 ppl. and the ms lim, a very fierce young lady, i dun like her as a person, proud, vain, but i have to admit i prefer her to mr tsung cos at least she makes me do stuff during her lect, i can proudly say that i've never wasted a single lect since the beginning of this yr.
and art, mr lee is my tutor, it's all planned out well i guess, no other tcher would be able to handle me, according to mr lee. anyway, it's pleasant to have him as my course work tcher, i couldnt imagine anyone else being my tutor, i would juz die if i get ms lu. well, mr lee is really able to make me think, and all he ever did with me for the past month is to chat with me and get to know me, he said he's very scared of me and i probably is his most challenging student since he started teaching, i duno why, but nvm, let's just see how things will turn out, will it be a disaster or a great success? either way....
and lit, still, my weakest subj, got a C during promo...ms chua...heard she's secretly evil, well, have to observer her longer to see if she's safe to get close. mr whitby became more and more temperamental, emotional, agitated, worked up, frustrated.....he shouts much more often recently, guess he just cant stand us being so superbly quiet, well, we cant help it, it's scary talking in front of him, he's juz too knowledegeable, like a dictionary. Mr Dio...funny guy, but i think too slack... i really have no idea how i am gona survive the 6hrs exam for lit, shld go and drown myself instead.
and...H3, really an eye opening experience for me, the lecturer, Dr Carls is really humorous, a cool british guy. but the course itself is really boring, geopolitics, often i've been questioning myself if i had chose the right course, cos it seemed very geog. well, since i've alr. taken it, juz hope i can get the best out of it ba. im both scared and excited.
well, life juz gets more and more busy, i've been sleeping for only averagely 4hrs per day cos i stress myself to finish all the hw which can be said as an impossible task. and, having achieved a result of BBBCC in promos, i cant let myself down for this coming march common test, i cant tolerate seeing a deproved grade, im not prepared for that, not at all, but i know im not much better than others and i've wasted my dec holi at hw being sick....so...i need to mug mug mug mug mug and mug! sigh...may be if i jump into a river, i might have some of the heat lifted from my shoulder. I cried that day, in sch, while doing my hist essay outline, i guess im juz too stressed, i felt like vomitting all the time...not that i've done anything with any guy, i juz felt im always at the boiling point, and it's soooooooooooooooo fine, stop complaining, go mug le.
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