some feelings

oh well...today is sunday, did a SBQ for international hist, have to admit that ACJC's history is really strong.the questions are those that i never would wana do during the exams. I did the SBQ on KOSOVO and now im regretting like hell for not having listened properly to my NUS professor's lectures.anyway...sigh..why am i so sad? cos...aiya...i duno...

sometimes i feel like loitering on the lonely road of a foreign country...preferably France. I've long loved France, my dream country and Paris is my dream city. A romantic place where i can just stop trying to act rational and stop trying to reason. I just want to be in a place where it's filled with colours and happiness, protected from all evil...it's a place for fantasy and dreams...my dreams..and someone once told me, he also love Paris...how i hope, one day, we could be walking towards Eiffel Tower...hand in hand...like the image in the 2nd drawer of my graduation art piece..but...sometimes..dreams are just dreams...wishes are just mere wishes...they are called wishes because...perhaps because we can never be able to fulfill it? dreams are called dreams because perhaps we can never make it come true??


so if one day, i am tired of being in the city, being in the limelight, being in a place where noice and modern technology dominate..i really want to come to the countryside, enjoy the fresh air, look at the ever refreshing scenaries...enjoy the broadness of the sky, the gentle breeze..the soft sound of the wind...the..the everything...oh..i might not have really shown this sentiment to anyone before, actually, i am really secretly willing to throw away all the ambitions and all those big ideas about politics and just carry my little art toolbox and go to the countryside, paint whatever that makes me happy, sketch whenever i feel like sketching, capturing moments of my joy and happiness...just imagine..how life could be so much better without politics??


so there's the bridge..and i wonder if i could ever be able to cross it and reach to the other side of my life...the sky seems so near, so blue, so innocent, so harmless..but god...i am so afraid of stepping onto the bridge, the journey of no return. in less than a year i am really going to be set free, alone, and i am not sure what i am up to. How am i going to cope with this new life? being alone? perhaps...i should start getting myself used to having no friends and having no one to depend on, having no shoulders to cry on when im sad, having no one to talk to when im down, having no help offered when im in trouble...suddenly...the world that im living in right now seems so much nicer and brighter... life is all about how we perceive it to be isn't it? cherish what's around us bah...


look at this, sometimes i do feel that im one of the wild horses running aimlessly int along this empty lonely beach. i really feel that i am a trapped animal...i am completely lost and frustrated now...


--today he came online...and...but, he went offline immediately..hope im just thinking too much..hope he's not avoiding something that we both are avoiding...

mo: In memory of my Leafy crown flower plant [2006-2007:死因：被毛毛虫吃掉了..]

So now im done with GP, SEA hist and Math...GP was bad, i have this feeling,for the first time i felt insecured even for my essay. The vocab was bad, couldnt finish my AQ and many more problems, if i can get a B im pretty contented, if i get an A i will really laugh. And as for SEA hist, like wad desmond had said, it is simply information overload. Last minute studying is realli..both useful and destructive, anyway, the questions were not hard, but i guess i did not do very well and i did not have enough time to develop my points well. also...sighz...had to go toilet half way and...i did on the AFC question which im afraid i am too narrative. sigh..i also did on pre 1941 nationalism and Parlimentry democracy. anyway...sighz...math...it was easy but my complex brain complicated them thus i got wrong..sighsighsigh!

oh...my butterfly garden is really turning into butterfly garden! there were so many caterpillars that filled up almost all the plant, the leaves were gone...left with stems, i asked mr loh to catch some and keep in containers and he did. i saw the cocoons..hahaha...oh...the butterflies that came out were so beautiful! they are called the "Common Tiger" wad a cool name, orange and white and yellowish. ha ha ha...im kind happy cos at first the cocoon were very small so mr loh said they might turn out to be the small moths that we see in the garden...but...wad a surprise! now im seriously hoping to see many more butterflies around the school! wad an achievement!


This is wad my crown flower used to be like...jiayi took the photo..now it is bare without any leaf... :(



and these are the caterpillars that ate up my plant...-_-'''



but they eventually emerged as beautiful butterflies! that's the "common tiger" spicie!


ps: greenlink juniors are so nice! they booked sentosa chalet for us, 5th dec!...oh...im gona go for nature guiding on 1st dec. ha ha ah...

sick

i cant believe this, just as i was joking with my friend on the bus on friday when we killed an ades mosquito, we told each other that we cant afford to get sick, not right before our Alevels, that's the last thing that we wana see happen. we are not gona wait for another bloody year to retake Alevels.

And.............

Here i am, sick and all tired. on wed morning, it's my GP alevel paper, this is to say that it is less than 48 hrs. i am not very sure if i could recover before that, i am so scared that i have to do my exam with a diggy head....


please.....let me recover by tmr!!! PLEASE!!!!!

I DELETED SHEN JIAYI'S HANDPHONE AND HOUSE NUMBER. IN SHORT, I DELETED HIS CONTACT. SO FROM NOW ONWARDS, I HOPE IT'S A NEW BEGINNING FOR ME.

我和他的友情已经不再可能。

Farmers

Did poems with mr whitby today. It was kind of hard in the beginning...but..interesting...

Two poems...[The Serf] by Roy Campbell and [Aside] by R.S Thomas...their subject matter is famers...exploring the idea of the suffering of farmers, depriving of a choice, forced to submit to oppression and wait in patience...



The Serf

by Roy Campbell (1901-57)



His naked skin clothed in the torrid mist

That puffs in smoke around the patient hooves,

The ploughman drives, a slow somnambulist,

And through the green his crimson furrow grooves.

His heart, more deeply than he wounds the plain,

Long by the rasping share of insult torn,

Red clod, to which the war-cry once was rain

And tribal spears the fatal sheaves of corn,

Lies fallow now. But as the turf divides

I see in the slow progress of his strides

Over the toppled clods and falling flowers,

The timeless, surly patience of the serf

That moves the nearest to the naked earth

And ploughs down palaces, and thrones, and towers.



[28 July 1926]


Aside

by R.S.Thomas

Take heart, Prytherch.
Over you the planets stand,
And have seen more ills than your.
This canker was in the bone
Before man bent to his image
In the pool's glass. Violence has been
And will be again. Between better
And worse is no bad place

For a labourer, whose lot is to seem
Stationary in traffic so fast.
Turn aside, I said; do not turn back
There is no forward and no back
In the fields, only the year's two
Solstices, and patience between.

a splash in the water of my heart

Although you like someone else,
I want to have my say
Without invading your domain
Or scaring you away.

I respect the choice you made
And all that you decide,
But I would just like you to know
I want you by my side.

As a lake deep in a wood
Awaits a cool, fresh breeze,
I will wait, a patient eye,
While you do as you please.

I know that you don't feel for me
The way I feel for you.
We're good friends, I value that,
There's nothing you need do.

But as a friend I need to tell you
What is in my heart.
An unsaid truth is like a wall,
Keeping us apart.

My love for you will go nowhere,
Will just remain with me.
I'll hold it in my quiet arms
And feel it constantly.

wangmo,

thanx for telling me all this, let me tell you how i feel. realli sorry, wanted to type in chinese, but after the first sentence, i decided to type in english.

I think there exist differences between the two of us, and some of our personality does clash, that is why i think it would be better if we remained as friends. Furthermore, i don't think that i would be together with a senior Probably that is something that i find very hard to accept. Although it would seem dumb to be still bounded by the social norms today, i just can't get over it, that is something that i have to apologise for. The other reason that i could not accept you is that, yes, i do have someone else in my mind. I find it hard to accept someone else.

I noe that a lot of your friends might tell you that i already knew that you liked me, but i really don't. A lot of my friends also asked me if you like me, but my response to them was always a no. Throughout this period, i only felt that we were very good friends, which is something that i treasure, and nothing more, As in, i always felt you treated me as a good friend, and did not have that kind of feelings. And i never thought of it in that manner and it just seemed impossible to me.

Probably this kind of thing is hard to get over within a short period of time. But i guess as time passes, it would get better hopefully. I do hope that we remained as friends.

jiayi


ha ha...so this is the ans i got, i think it is hilarious, i burst out laughing when i saw the first line. anyway, i duno why after seeing this, i felt very relieved, though it still sounded as politically correct as he always sounded, there's truth in it, enough for me to understand all. and yeah, no more confusion and distraction.

generally..my prelim turned out to be rather good! amazing! and unbelievable! i got ABDDE! wad a gd thing to see...but as usual, lit is still lousy with a 16 percentile, and math dropped from 78 to 26 percentile, but other than that, GP is 78%, hist is 71% and art is 74%...haha...not bad siah? cant imagine GP to be so good...and hist, i scored 55 for SEA but 66 for Internaional!!! hahahaha...so good right?! im kinda scared of ms oon...duno how to score for her paper...

erm...then graduation show, i must admit that i think i am damn pretty that day! ha ha...and then...the two bouquets just served to enhanced the situation! ha ha...but the thing is...i did my confession to jy...i cant talk properly in front of him! but he seemed so calm and refined...smiling throughout, but i guess he's only acting to be calm...wad a little retard! haha...so..well..he wants to continue to be friends, guys are always selfish...they dun want to lose a friend...but i'll see how...right now i am still very scared of seeing him in sch.

erm...my revision is way behind schedule and i have no idea how i am gona cope. god bless me!

confession

jiayi,



这几天想了一些事情，觉得应该和你讲清楚，不是为了你，是为了我自己好。拜二那天我真的很紧张，很多时候都表现得语无伦次，有些东西也都没说明白。

是的，我喜欢你，喜欢很久了，不要问我为什么喜欢你，因为连我自己都讲不清楚。只是，很欣赏，又很心疼你的感觉。也许我们太过不同，你有着许多我没有的东西和品质，所以，我被吸引了。就这么简单。



我是一个很奇怪的女孩，对于自己很喜欢的人总是很过分，不论是你，mr loh, ian 还是mr low. 我知道在这一年多里，我对你发了很多次的脾气，经常无理取闹，是我的错，真对不起。也许现在你能明白些，为什么我总是对你那么harsh，我不懂得应该怎么对待你，可能是因为太重要，所以抓得很紧。。。你的出现打破了我在国初平静的生活，但这不是你的错。其实我对你有好感这件事，很多人都早就知道了，如果这对你的“世界”有过什么负面的影响，我想说声对不起。对于我的coursework,我是在鼓起了很大勇气之后才决定用这个题材的，中间曾发生过许许多多令我不想回顾的事情，但是，我还是很庆幸我能够完成它，并能让你看到它，因为它包含着我。。因为你而留下的泪水，绽放的笑容，真的很感谢你的大度和理解。



其实很早的时候我就知道，你心里已经有了一个女孩。明知我和你是不可能的，但我却一直放不开。我明白自己没有你那么优秀，况且，我是学姐；但喜欢就是喜欢，你是知道我的，在一定程度上我是不喜欢被世俗的观念束缚的，但是我觉得你会介意，所以不论是从哪一个角度看，我都没办法说服自己，让我对你，对自己的感情抱有任何的希望，但是，心的选择是没有办法理智的，所以一直喜欢了下去。。。但是我知道这是无果的，只是单纯的想和你继续一起聊天，一起笑，一起开心的笑。。没有别的意图。



有时候不明白，为什么你会那么thick，真的很怀疑你是否真的不知道我喜欢你，周围的朋友，ms chan, ms lu都说你肯定早就知道了。但是你告诉我你不知道，那我就相信你。我真的希望你没有骗我，因为我不想想像自己被人当傻子一样的耍，那会令我很受伤。还有，虽然“继续做朋友”是我自己说的，但这几天发觉到，我好像做不到，因为看到你的时候会很害怕。也许，我需要时间，但是，现在的我真得不知道要应该怎么面对你，甚至有时会很恨你，因为你在无形中伤害到了我的自尊，而很巧的是，我是个自尊心很强的人，有时很想打你两巴掌，可是，真是可笑，你又没做错什么。只是，恐怕你所建议的“和我谈谈”是做不到了，我真的没办法和你面对面的谈话，没办法回到从前那样。也许，你会觉得解脱了吧，我总觉得是我老是麻烦你，而你对我已是疲于应付。



总之，很高兴曾经认识了你这么个朋友，一起工作的日子我不会忘记，谢谢你，没有你我的jc life不会如此多姿多彩，没有你，我也许会一辈子看不起男生。而且，喜欢过你，我从来没有后悔过。如果有一天，我能够过自己这一关，能够再次无拘束地面对你，而你也乐意接受的话，我们也许还能做回朋友，我会期待着这一天的到来。最后，希望你能告诉我你的想法，还有，狠狠地把我骂醒吧，坚定地拒绝我，不要给我你的微笑，不要给我你的包容，我要给我任何可以后退的理由。谢了。



wang mo

独自站在窗台，静静的欣赏窗外的美景，一份从容的心态，加上一份平静的心情，这个夜晚是美好的！
月亮高高的悬挂在空中，星星安分的尾随在它左右，时不时的还朝我眨巴着小眼睛。喜欢这种平静的感觉，感觉心里特别的舒服。
有人说，秋天的夜晚充满着迷幻般的浪漫，当喧哗隐去之后，那月色是令人陶醉的，当流水般的月色洒在窗前，我便陶醉在这片夜色里，心里又出现N个幻想。
这不，我又想起我那毫无道理的暗恋，我有点理不清头绪，因为我找不到暗恋的理由！
暗恋是痛苦的，但若你能把心态摆正，那么暗恋或许会是甜蜜的。暗恋是喜欢对方却又不敢告知对方，那是隐藏在心里不想被任何人所知道的小秘密。暗恋，你找不到暗恋的理由，可你偏偏就是喜欢上对方。如果你是自私型的人，你将会想要把暗恋转为明恋，甚至跑去与对方示爱，结果只有两种，要不被人接受，要不被人说，我们不合适。往往会暗恋别人的人都不适合去表白。其一：她缺乏自信；其二：她知道她的暗恋是无果的。如果暗恋境界能得到升华的话，你将不存在想要去占有的情愫，你只想要站在他的身后默默付出与祝福，这种暗恋又是伟大的，独自一人的时候，细细回味你的暗恋那也是快乐的！因为暗恋仅是暗恋，不会有人受到伤害，甚至比初恋来得更纯洁！
静坐在电脑前，听着歌曲，认真的思考，我到底为啥暗恋你？终于稍有领悟，大概是因为太寂寞及孤独了吧，所以才会依恋上你的陪伴；又或者是我对成熟型的男人有着独特的好感，而你又恰巧是这类型男人，所以我才会被你给吸引吧；当然这种好感，也来自你若干的关心与问候！如果没有你的关心做后盾，我相信我的暗恋也得不到升华呀！但，就在目前没有你陪伴的日子里，那种情愫似乎渐渐被时间给冲淡了。当然，我不否认开始的时候有着强烈的思念及期盼，但随着时间与距离的推移，那种思念也随风而逝了，那份期盼也化为乌有。因此，我终于明白，这份暗恋完全来自寂寞，如果没有这份寂寞，就不会对你产生依赖。如果不产生依赖，或许就没暗恋的来临！
有时候，我觉得寂寞的来临就像被蚂蚁缠身，蚂蚁虽小，却能赢过大象，它在你身上轻轻的咬上一口，不会出血，也咬不出很大的伤口，却让人感觉隐隐作痛，甚至极为难受。所以，我又觉得寂寞是可怕的。平凡的我们最好不要轻易去招惹寂寞，还是安分的过着生活吧。

p.s: I passed Lit..got a D

well, i got back art hist, not bad, for the first time i got higher than karen, ok, i shouldnt have said that. oh well...but i barely got a B, and winston said there's no one who got A, for theory. And i dun think there's any chance for me to get an A for coursework, so i shall just be settled on a B.

As for math, i am not that worried cos i am quite sure that if i do my practices and things like that, i will be able to score, it's just a matter of how much many questions i practice. i am aiming for an A and i die die must get it...irritating...sighz

for Lit...i seriously dun know how to improve...just got back dio's paper, passed, got 14 but then it's kind of still bad. same mark as CT2...sosad..and again i failed whitby's paper, one 9 and one 13...i just cant do compare and contrast and whitby is really sharp at pointing out weaknesses, yes, i am still struggling with surface content how am i going to even go into deeper analysis? it's just a wrong choice choosing lit, and h2 is just even more diff, i bet i failed all 3 papers again. sighz, but i seriously don't want to fail any subjects in prelim, math is already bad enough...

hist...i dun even dare to think of it, ms oon is just too scary, she sounded so fierce and i know all of us did badly and there's no such luck as i am the only one who did fairly well, no, no such thing one, i will suffer together with all the rest.
and come on, i tot guided democracy is parliamentry democracy...-_-''no it is not! it is a maximum government!

i am just so screwed...and cant believe i am still talking to jy online right now.

It's been so long, prelim results were expectedly bad, it's ok, i will work hard for my alevels.

Coursework is finally done, im surprised that im actually quite happy with my prep work, anyway, it's 60% of an alevel subject done, i shall concentrate on my other subjects now. seriously, i am not afraid of any other subjects except literature, i duno how to prepare for it, it's just too hard to do, i give up.

im still thinking if i shld talk to jy, if i shld continue to be like this, being infatuated, being friends with him or shld i take the opportunity to disappear since alevel is coming and school ends next friday...

what a coincidence, art make up lesson during the study break is on every mon aftnoon, i hope i wont get to see him but somehow, part of me is happy that i can have some excuse to see him again. how stupid...i duno..i seriously duno what i am doing with my life, it's just so super scary, im like being sucked into this cycle of no return. i just cant stop liking him, for no reason, i duno why i like him.

life seems just too weird...im beginning to miss nj, in the past, i cant imagine myself missing this school which gave me so much pains and sadness, but here, in this place, stored my fond and sad memories, my life, 2 yrs of life. happy or sad, i've left my shadows behind here, i've shed my tears i can hear the resonance of my laughters, the friendships i gained here, the heartbeat, everything, time really flies, it passes so fast, i could hardly adjust to it. i still couldnt believe im in yr 2 and here i am, ending my jc life. how is it that i got here, i duno, through all the quarrels, all the problems all the excitements i arrived here...i know my entry does not make sense, i duno how to make any sense out of it when im so confused right now, life is such an unpredictable thing.

i am so not used to leave a place what i've lived for 2yrs, and most importantly, i am leaving behind an untold story of mine, my secret love for this guy, and i have used my own unique way to present it in front of people, i want it to be implicit but somehow, due to the fact that it is for marking, i cant keep it too implicit, i duno what will be the reactions of the management who will get to see it in a few days time. but somehow, i want them to see, no i dun want...i also duno...the only person that i dun want him to see is jy himself, i am afraid of seeing his reaction after seeing my coursework, i am afraid of getting an answer, i think it is best to keep things this way, until we wont get to see each other ever again, sometimes things are beautiful when no one points out the truth, beautiful things might turn ugly when the truth floats above the surface...i am not yet ready for such things, i kept on asking myself...is it really what i want? may be not, may be yes, i duno, i am so confused now, i want to paint his face on the wall, but no i dun want...i duno...shit..why people...why human beings tend to regret about the decisions made by themselves???? i hate this...serious!

Prelims...

Okay, up till now, i've finished all my exams except Art H3 which i do not intend to study until the last minute as i have to focus on completing my course work which is like a piece of shit now.

I really hate prelims, it's so damn hell difficult, my best paper so far is art which is one of the hardest art paper i've ever done in my life. Today just finished SEA hist and math, both are lousy, math is extremely loudy, i cant take it man, and the most outrageous thing is that, out of 5 statistics qns, 4 are the same as the H2 people's paper! what is this man?????

I hate prelims!!!!sucker!

I hate her i hater her i hate her i hate her

I hate her i hater her i hate her i hate her I hate her i hater her i hate her i hate her I hate her i hater her i hate her i hate her I hate her i hater her i hate her i hate her I hate her i hater her i hate her i hate her I hate her i hater her i hate her i hate her I hate her i hater her i hate her i hate her I hate her i hater her i hate her i hate her I hate her i hater her i hate her i hate herI hate her i hater her i hate her i hate her I hate her i hater her i hate her i hate herI hate her i hater her i hate her i hate herI hate her i hater her i hate her i hate herI hate her i hater her i hate her i hate herI hate her i hater her i hate her i hate herI hate her i hater her i hate her i hate herI hate her i hater her i hate her i hate herI hate her i hater her i hate her i hate herI hate her i hater her i hate her i hate herI hate her i hater her i hate her i hate herI hate her i hater her i hate her i hate herI hate her i hater her i hate her i hate herI hate her i hater her i hate her i hate herI hate her i hater her i hate her i hate herI hate her i hater her i hate her i hate herI hate her i hater her i hate her i hate herI hate her i hater her i hate her i hate herI hate her i hater her i hate her i hate herI hate her i hater her i hate her i hate herI hate her i hater her i hate her i hate herI hate her i hater her i hate her i hate herI hate her i hater her i hate her i hate herI hate her i hater her i hate her i hate herI hate her i hater her i hate her i hate herI hate her i hater her i hate her i hate herI hate her i hater her i hate her i hate herI hate her i hater her i hate her i hate herI hate her i hater her i hate her i hate herI hate her i hater her i hate her i hate her

The "her" is the one who gave birth to me.

暗恋

暗恋是喜欢的一种
当他很开心、很高兴的时候,你也会有同样的感觉
当他伤心、痛苦的时候，你的心情也会很沉重,很想安慰他,帮他解忧
他生病了，你会很担心,心里想的都是他
他无意中伤害了你,你会很伤心,会一个人偷偷地流泪
他在你身边时,你会偷偷地看他
他不在你身边时,你总是惦记着他
......
不过，这一切你都不会告诉他，只会默默地在他身边守侯他，不求任何回报,只要他开心、幸福,你就很满足了，就算他喜欢的不是你......

怎样的结局？是这样的吗？

是不是关于暗恋的故事都没有好的结局呢？

让我开心又带给我伤心的那个人，让我不断挂念的那个人，我们永远，永远不能在一起。

经常会幻想，如果向他表白了，会是怎样的一个结局，下面，便是其中一个应该最接近现实的结局吧：





这些话的实际意义是：我惧怕你给的爱情，我不需要你的了解，我的心不知何时会向谁打开，但是有一点可以确定，不是现在，不是对你。



他说，除了和你，再没有专门和女生出去过。

他说，如果我们都不捅破这层纸，你还是从我这里得到快乐，而我也会慢慢爱上你。

他说，我喜欢你的个性，独立自强，我也喜欢和你出去玩，可是我真的没有动过心。

他说，你会伤心吗?

他说，如果你愿意，当你不开心，仍可以从我这里得到快乐。



我会伤心。

我不愿意。



我们最后的对话就是这样的，关于两年的暗恋，就在这些对话中结束了。

我还是自私的说出断绝一切联系的决定。

他说，不要，他不想。

可是他看见我哭，还是答应了。



最后的MSN留言删掉。

最后的短信看后删掉，连同号码。

还有邮件地址。



听着这首歌，蒙头在被子中，一边流汗，一边流泪。

睡着了醒来，似乎忘记，但是马上就想起这样的结局，心里很痛。

你永远不和我联系了吗？这句话在耳边不停响起。

永远不再联系，永远不再相见，永远不再爱。



像那种从小说里读到的故事：他们从很久之前就开始彼此寻找，暗恋很多年后仍然可以相遇相爱。真的只是小说。真的只是骗人的。

像现实中这种暗恋，不是我不想坚持，而是我知道这根本是一场徒劳。爱情不是时间久了自然会出现的东西。就像我不能从你那里再得到快乐一样，你也不会有爱上我的那一天，我们，无辜者和付出者，带着暗恋的心而分别的付出者，那心底的爱会借着幻想的翅膀，升华至一个不真实的高度，我不想做这么一个幻想者，我哪怕做一个明明白白的失恋者。



我说，等我说了那句话，你要明确的回答我。

我说，不要装作不知道或者不想说。

我说，时间会留给我们美丽的回忆。

那句话是：

我喜欢你，从我当上执委那刻，同你一同工作开始，一点一点。



我要你明明白白的告诉我，拒绝我，那么我看起来就没有那么可怜。

你只要好好配合我，我就是这样一个别扭的女孩，我只有这样才能很快很快的忘记这些难过。
到最后，你还是那么善良，而我却伤害了你。

我知道你会记得我，一辈子记得有这样一个别扭的，爱着你的女孩，爱着你却要你明明白白拒绝她，放她走。

我不知道你会不会也像我这样流泪，但是我最后还是很谢谢你，谢谢你让我知道，我没有喜欢错人。

所以我们就结束吧。永远。

再见。

...

人这辈子总得动真格地爱一回吧，我准备失恋一回。
因为
当你爱上了一个人
第一步是失去自我
而接着
就是
失去你爱的人

。。。。。。。。

暗恋的感觉很舒服，很安全，安全地躲在自己的城堡里
“暗恋是一种礼貌，暗地里盖一座城堡”
这座城堡里全都是关于你的一切，王子的画像是你的笑容，而公主的头像却怎么也不敢幻想成是自己的

暗恋是容易满足又安静地在你周围
暗恋是能在人群里一眼就找到你
暗恋是看着你的微笑还要掩盖心潮澎湃
暗恋是无聊时候任何东西都联想到你
暗恋是即使你不说话看到你头像亮着就很安心
暗恋是晚上梦到你却不得不失落醒来
暗恋是你永远不知道我很多时候都有在想你
暗恋是活在梦境里，不需要面对现实，温暖而坚韧得存在着
暗恋不会给对方负担，不会给自己失望
暗恋是一个人的事，不需要被嘲笑被伤害，没有开始，也不会有结束

一个人的角落，想你的一切，虽然有些无奈，可是真的安全
你不需要是个很好的人，不需要值得被爱，不需要很体贴，不需要很绅士，甚至不需要认识我
你是一种安慰，一种简单的存在
暗恋，仅仅只是暗恋，不需要在一起，不需要两情相悦，不需要任何承诺，暗暗盖着你的城堡

所以么，暗恋的人，给自己更多暗恋的借口，为自己的懦弱找到最舒适的方式，为你的他/她盖一座城堡，不过城堡越高越容易塌
被暗恋的人，如果知道了，不要残忍的揭穿，选择暗恋已经是对你最没有威胁的方式了，偶尔一个微笑一个眼神，让他/她把城堡盖得更高，也当作是做善事了

好好享受这份难得的暗恋，安全又温馨的恋............

懦弱的我

最近为了温书，经常会待到很晚。现在是凌晨两点多，毫无睡意。
厌倦了
不是讨厌，只是觉得很疲惫，不希望人生就这样匆匆忙忙地流逝。读书，我在这上面虚度了十二年了。
累了
看了一部电视剧的结尾，名字很有意境， 《我们无处安放的青春》，巧得很，是我最喜爱的演员陈道明的戏。
看到，女主角几乎在同一时间失去了生命中的两个最重要的男人。父亲的去世，男友的背叛，她该如何活下去？
生命永远是如此，不如意的事情总是接而不断，人类的悲剧，在于我们懂得“感情”，那种在失去某人后才会产生的，被挖空了的感觉，使得我们难以从悲伤中自拔。

忽然转到了令一幕，男主角李然在与另一个女人结婚前的那一刻，受到了来自蒙蒙的快递，里面是一首诗，“希望能化为一滴雨，落在你的掌心中”。。。属于男人的泪水，无声地滑落，悔恨吗？还是无奈？人生中总是有着许许多多的阴错阳差，不小心，你与他便会在人群中擦身而过，缘分，即使选择了出现在你与他之间，也不一定会持久，一个简单的错误，会造成无法弥补的悔恨。

爱情，究竟是个怎样的东西？喜欢，很喜欢嘉易，喜欢他那与生自来的忧郁。他是个在这个时代里少有的有气质的男生。想他，很想他，在夜深人静的夜晚时分，思念越加浓烈。

明知道他并不喜欢自己，为何还要如此执着？在他的世界里，也许我是微不足道的渺小，可是，在我的世界里，他是全部。

常这样幻想着，如果有一天，有机会的话，好想让他抱抱我，只是轻轻地拥抱一下，让我可以感觉到他的体温。记得他曾经说过：“如果有心事，伤心的话，可以随时来找我。”虽然我明白，那只是出于自然的友好，但是，那句话还是让我心动许久。也许，嘉易永远不会了解我对他的心意，但，那份感情我已然付出过，收不回来，但却也不会后悔。

好希望，将来会有个人，能够像我爱他那样深深地爱着我。像在《女主播的故事》里尹理事对善美那样的温柔，那样的爱护，就像守护天使般地保护着她。。让她可以在他面前毫无顾忌地哭泣，欢笑。好想，有个厚实的肩膀可以在我脆弱时让我依靠。。。我，并不坚强。也许，嘉易的肩膀很厚实，但我却不是那靠在他肩膀的人，那份关怀，好像是注定了不是给我的。。。可是。。。

为何，在明白了这许多之后，

我

还是无法放下？


茉
2007年9月13日凌晨三点三十五分

正宗北京老婆骂老公

场景 ：四合院 ； 人物 ：两口子 ； 时间：一大清早儿
(先运气)“我说你一大老爷们儿家，一大早清儿的就站在当院满嘴跑火车，半点儿不着调，我隔着窗户纸这都运一脑门子气了，您这是唱的哪出儿啊？对，没错，就说你呢。你还别跟我揣着明白装糊涂。原本一老实巴交的人，现在学会耍猫儿腻了，见天皆当街晃荡打油飞，时不时的整出点汤儿事，再不就是胡吃闷睡。你自个儿照照镜子去，好嘛，活的越大越抽抽儿，整个一嘎杂子琉璃球。成天逮谁跟谁扯皮不说吧，办事也没个准谱，交代你屁大点儿的事儿，你说你放了我几回鹰了？和着我那点儿吐沫星子全打了水漂儿了！你瞧你平时那个德行，样儿大了你！装的人五人六儿的，还挺象那么回事的。实际上满肚子的幺呃子，除了整天游手好闲，要嘛就是鼓捣点儿嘎七马八的事儿出来。要是结识了个有点儿来头的，好嘛，你拉多晚儿也得老着脸死命的巴结上。实在闲的发慌，也是跟那帮小混子起哄架秧子，打联联。走在街上看见个半老徐娘你都不错眼珠儿的盯着人家看。哪天遇上个满不吝的，给你一板儿砖，你就知道什么是肝儿颤了。你说你们家老爷子也怪不容易的，千倾地一根苗，还巴望着你能出息，平地扣饼呢。你不但一点长进没有，还成天让老爷子吃挂落儿，给老爷子折腾的五脊六兽的，跟着你转磨磨。一数落儿你几句，你就蹬鼻子上脸，长行市了你，嫌老爷子絮叨儿，车轱辘话来回说。现在塌实了吧？那点儿家底全让你攘秃噜了吧？蹦子儿没有看你还能鼓捣出什么花花肠子来。就欠让你见天皆吃棒子面勃勃，顶多白饶你一碗凉白开遛遛缝儿。还甭跟我耍哩格儿楞。敢情你也有脚底下拌蒜，掰不开镊子的时候儿，平时那大嘴叉子一张不挺能白活的吗？麻利儿着呀，怎么变没嘴儿葫芦儿了？费了半天的吐沫，我也不跟你嚼舌头了，借光儿，我找个豁亮的地儿焖得儿蜜去了。”

today is alr. sunday...no...now is monday 0018 am alr. and duno if he's back..see...he din even tell me if he's back...sighz...i duno...may be we are simply not close enough...


WANG MO...STOP THINKING ABT HIM!!! TMR IT'S UR PRELIM!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! IM SO SCREWED THIS TIME...HAVENT EVEN STARTED REVISION...LAST MIN REVISION AGAIN? IM NOT GONA GET THR. IT'S PRELIM...NOT CT....SIGHZ..FELL IN LOVE AT THE WRONG TIME WITH THE WRONG PERSON...


F*** MYSELF...

It's so meeeeeeeeee

Your Score: 8 - the AsserterThanks for taking the test !

you chose AY - your Enneagram type is EIGHT (aka "The Challenger").


"I must be strong"

Asserters are direct, self-reliant, self-confident, and protective.

How to Get Along with Me

Stand up for yourself... and me.
Be confident, strong, and direct.
Don't gossip about me or betray my trust.
Be vulnerable and share your feelings. See and acknowledge my tender, vulnerable side.
Give me space to be alone.
Acknowledge the contributions I make, but don't flatter me.
I often speak in an assertive way. Don't automatically assume it's a personal attack.
When I scream, curse, and stomp around, try to remember that's just the way I am.
What I Like About Being a EIGHT

being independent and self-reliant
being able to take charge and meet challenges head on
being courageous, straightforward, and honest
getting all the enjoyment I can out of life
supporting, empowering, and protecting those close to me
upholding just causes
What's Hard About Being a EIGHT

overwhelming people with my bluntness; scaring them away when I don't intend to
being restless and impatient with others' incompetence
sticking my neck out for people and receiving no appreciation for it
never forgetting injuries or injustices
putting too much pressure on myself
getting high blood pressure when people don't obey the rules or when things don't go right
EIGHTs as Children Often

are independent; have an inner strength and a fighting spirit
are sometimes loners
seize control so they won't be controlled
fugure out others' weaknesses
attack verbally or physically when provoked take charge in the family because they perceive themselves as the strongest, or grow up in difficult or abusive surroundings EIGHTs as Parents

are often loyal, caring, involved, and devoted
are sometimes overprotective
can be demanding, controlling, and rigid

Luciano Pavarotti dead at 71

An arena artist whose talents lured love from far beyond the narrow confines of the traditional classical music audience, and from whose rotund body rose one of the great voices of the 20th century.

That's all i can say...sighz...was checking for any updates of political news and then somehow, came across this, it was the news from 4 hours ago...it was at first really shocking to me, as in, my dad used to talk about that time when he watched Pavarotti and the other 2 tenors' performance a few years ago...and since young, i they were made familiar to me due to my dad's love for...erm...their voices..and...now one of them is dead...pavarotti...the most prominent one...life is so unpredictable siah?

----life...sighz........

梦

其实做梦也是一件很痛苦的事，很希望像有些人那样一睁眼到天亮~

每次做恶梦半夜醒来都很害怕 不知道醒来是不是解脱。

做梦的时候希望赶快醒来，而面对现实的时候希望只不过是梦一场.......

dreams.....

have been having many weird dreams lately... a few are related to ps. i am not very sure why this happens,may be because recently im too stressed. but why ps peopl? i duno also.

so last night and this morning, i had this long dream...okay, the front part i sort of cant remember already. but i remembered that jiayi got wounded, stabbed by someone, but vaguely i rmb is that he tried to save someone by you know...blocking that stab from that person, who's that person i forgot. then he was bleeding, but not very serious, and jy ian and i were together, then i rmb that we went back to sch, sat in a lab or sth, and waited for jy to be treated but jy was still standing up and talking to us, like not very affected by his wound but at times he's groaning in pain..aiya..yeah..very weird right? then after a while a lady came with a wheel chair and took jy away, then suddenly ian and i were walking on the street, and talking, we laughed and joked and...i forgot...what happened...but then all i rmb is that later, i ended up being alone, in a shopping centre i guess, then cheryl was there, then duno why she's pushing me around, as in...i think im either in a wheel chair or a chair with wheels...that can be pushed around, and i rmb very clearly i am not sick or wounded, im juz seating in the chair and being wheeled or pushed around by cheryl, talking to her and laughing, and she was telling me about her japan trip, then actually sth happened...we did many things together but now i forgot, the only thing that i rmb most vivdly is that she wheeled me to a booth, we stopped there, then she said she has some sweets from japan for the people, and if im not wrong, the 'people' here means ps people, cos we stopped at the booth, and it was man by ps people, think i saw yk but definitely there's gq, then cheryl dun wana pass the sweet to gq, so she passed everything to yk and told yk to distribute to others...then she run away happily together with me...erm...as in, im still in the wheel chair, so she like yeah, together with me lor, then on the way she like telling me heng that got yk to help her pass the thing to gq if not she duno how to pass to him...blahblahblah....then yeah...forgot what happened...actually a big part of my dream was in that shopping centre but i juz cant rmb le..

dreams are just so weird...u jump here and jump there, like...really...like suddenly the setting will change the environment and surroundings, but the characters in it dun feel it, they are like...so used to it...hmmmmm...wahahaha...sometimes...i dun wana wake up from my dreams, because...there's no worries inside that world, all ridiculous things are to be seen as normal, no one will fault you for doing anything and also, you dun have to be careful in doing anything...it's juz so care freee.......ahahahaha....i duno..after i came to nj, i've had many weird dreams, and all are related to my best friends. like...

1) yr1, juz came to nj, my OGL told us about the science blog 3rd floor gals toilet ghost story. then very soon i had this dream, that a few of us, were talking about the 3rd floor toilet and then my best friend karen went up to 3rd floor gals toilet and asked us to follow, even though we all were scared, duno why we still followed her, then we went in, and waited, she stayed in the cubicle for a long time and later we heard her talking...to someone, then later she came out, then we saw that there's a green colour ball thingy in that cubicle, then she ordered that thing to fly after me, then i started running, the thing was chasing me from behind. it was very scary in the dream, but when i wake up, i was laughing, duno why i was so scared in the dream, cos when i recall, the green thingy which i assume is the ghost, looks actually wuite cute...sighz....but it did leave a very deep impression on me...i can rmb that thing clearly even though it's like a yr ago...

2)...this one forgot most part of it, only rmb jy wanted to kill and and was holding a knife and running after me...for what reason i forgot and i also forgot the ending.

3) this yr, dreamt of prelima and Alevel lit paper, dreamt that the tcher actually spotted exactly the same qn...i flopped my lit prelim..then the tcher forced me to memorise the model ans for the prelim qns to prepare for Alevel, then when the real As came, i looked at the qn...it was exactly the same as the prelim lit qn...wowwwwwwww

4) dreamt that the guy that i 'an lian' for a long time was walking side by side with me, then he suddenly turned and said" actually i like you" then i was elated, then we like went on a date, played at palyground..aiya...juz had dun together...then at the end i realised that he's actually not the "him" that i like, he's a classmate of mine in yr GP class！ i was like...WTH???!!! that guy was the worse kind that i will ever meet laz...............................-_-''''

sighz......dreams may be cos i watcher "paprika"?????

busy days

it's been really busy for me these days, had GP prelim, and then focused on art coursework which really drove me crazy, broke down a few times and had really big conflicts with the tchers esp LPG. In the end Ms Lu and Ms Chan had to talk to me, oh well, i dun care, it's juz me, LPG yelled at me for no gd reasons and i wont tolerate such things, i never liked to compare him with mr low because to me, it is almost an insult to mr low as LPG is juz too far away, he's definitely not keen in tching, i really felt like telling him to fuck his ass somewhere else cos i dun wana see him fucking up my results. oh well...he suck and fullstop. no matter what ms lu and ms chan say, i will not forgive him, if not for him, i wont end up in such shit.

also sighz...now i duno what im doing alr...prelim is juz a few days later and i havent started my revision at all, not at all la. sighz.

oh yar cheryl, regarding the boyuan thingy. Cos that day we went for inspire prize giving and si jie asked by to help her take photos for that event. Then when we were waiting for the thing to start, we somehow juz chat and chat then reached u. Then he told me that he duno what's wrong, u are juz weird, daoing everyone in the exco,ehhh wait...let me try to recall..i kind of forget quite a bit...hmmm...i only rmb him saying they all duno why u dao them, and like...got attitude problem, everytime see ppl then not "shuang"...and he kept saying that he and the rest duno what happened...hmmmmmmmmmmm...then he also said sth like u are like the boss...sth like that la...yeah la...

errr......i'll update somemore...when im more free :P

tears meant nothing at this point of time. final breakdown.

sometimes, even when one has a clear mind of what to do, what to be achieved, what to be planned ahead, they will still end up not being able to complete task planned.

It is what happened to me today.

I planned to do at least 4 final prints by today, and i ended up doing nothing but crying. Silly siah? i actually ponned the whole day, the whole day, to do art and because of the inefficiency of the art teachers i ended up doing nothing today. Holy shit, then i was at one point so angry with mr lee that i dashed down the stairs like a ghost and heard from xinni that i freaked out jianhao, well, sorry then but...not my fault...i was really really super depressed. anyway...then i went into darkrm to take my file, still with the "hell pissed" face, and then all of them were shocked to see me, and ms chan actually asked" what's wrong wang mo?" (think they were having exco meeting), i totally ignored her. i was realli pissed.

ms lu is simply very biased and self centered, she's the ultimate kind, everyday rushes off to do her own things, not committed to be tcher at all,yeah, she's here only because she has to serve her 6 yrs bond.

ms chan is much nicer, more caring, but sometimes, she thinks to simply, she thinks that i cried because i was stressed. NO! i cried because i felt that it is unfair!

mr lee is juz a fat guy who can be rather funny at times but altogether a big lazy ass who's hard to catch and hard to argue with and hard to deal with and hard to work with and...gosh...im gona cry again...

and hate shen jiayi...he juz walked past like nothing's happened while i was crying like hell juz now.

am i wrong? forget it.

it's been a few days, i was really fumed on thurs night. Angry. i was so pissed with him. Perhaps it was because i was not used to him not obeying me. or was i simply not used to him standing up for himself?

oh well. it's true actually, that he dun owe me anything. cos i did all those things on my own will. ha ha. oh well...not saying that what i've pointed out on thurs were wrong, they were probably rather emotive, but the contents were pretty much factual. I do think that he is a self centered person. Just that, i have to admit here that everyone's self centered to a certain extent, wanting to achieve and being well liked and recognised might be his way of exerting self importance and gaining self confidence which...sometimes tend to give people the feeling that he's overly self centered. But honestly, who doesnt want to be well liked and who's not ambitious? I can't fault him for being extra-ordinary, more outstanding and clear minded than others can i? ha ha. it's my fault again? nope, it's nobody's fault or in another word, it's everyone's fault.

It's kind of funny how, i am always the one who encouraged him to stand up for himself, stop tolerating, stop "ren" things. And he did, first by not "ren" me...haha...retribution? oh well...of course my first reaction is anger, what could anyone imagined me to do? sit there and smile? nope, it's not me. But like what ian have said, there's this duality of character in me, this alterego, and yeah, one of me will react immediately, rash and without thinking, usually end up in awkward situations because i behaved unreasonably. Then the reasonable mo comes in later, and re-analyse the whoe issue/situation/event/incident and then will usually decide to apologise. And she will do it, one good thing about me is that i am thick skinned. One of the rare good traits?? oh well. and i really do tend to apologise even when im not completely wrong.

take for the ian's thing, i knew i was the one being wrong...like say 90%. so naturally i have to apologise. But for this jiayi's case, im at most 40% wrong...but i still felt like doing something. ha ha...only that this time, i dun feel like apologising but rather leaving the problem alone, which means i wont get pissed with it anymore. ha ha. hope i can do it.

wahhhhh

im gona get the momentum...busy busy...

10 days to coursework deadline
6days to GP prelim
36 days to GP Alevel
42 days to SAT exam...wahhhhhhhh

You dun owe me anything?

it is directed at me. i know. He's directing at me when he put "and mind u, treat others with respect as u would want them to treat u, and pls, i dun owe u anything" as his personal msg.

So you dun owe anything? yes, those presents were simply because i wanted to give you. Those care and concerns were simply because i like you and i wana give to you. SO u dun owe me anything. yes you dun u bastard. All these were because i am being "jian". it's my own fault.

Have you ever respected me? no you never did. You think it's call respect when you constantly ask me to help you straighten out problems between you and other girls? you think i have the freaking time to help you do all these when my coursework deadline is 11 days away, 7 days to my prelims and 37 days to my Alevel???

You. Better. Fuck. Off.

Shenjiayi. You used to be the best kind of guy i've ever seen but as time goes by, you emerged as one of the worse. Fuck off. i wonder when i will really tear your freaky fake and pretentious mask right in front of everybody. you are just lucky that you got the president post, if not for me who constantly persuaded other excos, if not for my vote, you think you could beat gq? mind you, you only had 1 vote during the 1st and 2nd round of votings. mind you, you did not come for more than 50% of the exco meetings and activities, mind you, you are only up here because you sucked up to teachers, mind you, you are as self centered as what you've said abt gq and yk. mind you, you are not even worth to be pitied. mind you, you juz suck. Stop taking my love and care and concerns for granted for you have no more chance, i would not give you anymore chance. fuck off. It's over between you and i, my infatuation has stopped and you are just like a piece of shit in my eyes now. Understand? a piece of shit.

He suck

too many sucky ppl ard these days.

LPG.
SJY.

seriously. SJY sucks. He suck. simply suck..suck

HE SCREWED UP MY LIFE..AND I WONT LET HIM SCREW IT FURTHER!

Today i went to school and slacked. Early in the morning, tot i was going to be late but i wasnt. And then went to art room and to my SURPRISE it is locked. So i got damn hell pissed off, and i went down to the atrium, thr. the stairs at the fountain, anyway, i looked super pissed. And then met mrs nair at the line, she's quite amused by my "email" on sat. night.

Went to take blue slip with Mrs Nair, and then to my suayness, we met sharon phua. She's such a bitch! she started questioning me about why am i taking the blue slip and things like that, and kind of embarrassed mrs nair in front of her, so lack of respect of her colleagues. sighz...she deserved to be hanged.

Anyway...after that female beast was gone, mrs nair happily signed the blue slip and let me go, then i went for pe, it was damn fun, i love handball:).

Then had art...was really frustrated with it, saw jy, and passed him my written "2nd wish"...we chatted quite happily at first, then we reached a point where he says that he can't sign the thing because he cant make sure that he wont fall sick, and wad the hell! and then after a while, i felt really weird, so i went into the darkroom and asked the rest of the ppl to get out and talked to him individually. I was serious, i was almost going to cry la. I asked him, why that we've been friends for so long and that he still doesnt understand me? why that he cant even just be a little less serious about things,i asked him why he dun wana sign. He said he think that such things are not necessary. so...if things that i deem necessary are unnecessary to you, then i really wonder why can are still friends. it's funny. so i laughed, and went out, and got duper pissed and sad...so i went to ceramics, and then cried and cried...i was so pissed with myself.

i knew he is selfish and self centered to a large extent, but i tot, after i've done so much for him, at least he might reciprocate a bit..like..say...if im always crazy, coming out with mad ideas, and if he's always sensible and serious, why cant he just be "crazy" for once and agree with my crazy idea for once juz to...simply make me feel happy for once???cant he see that im in such a bad mood these days? as a friend, he has not contributed anything towards this friendshipt, why am i obliged to be the one who's always pumping in for this friendship? if it's so hard to sustain, if it's so hard for him just to think for me a little more, then i guess i have nothing more to say. it's the end then. He fucked his way thr. he sucked his way up to the teachers, and he's damn hell well-liked and yeah, of course he doesnt need me to care for him, he's such a superb person, then why the hell am i doing all these? go and die la.

anyway, next time, in future, it will mean that, "got jy no wang mo, got wang mo no jy" over my dead body man!!!

I. HATE. SHEN. JIAYI.

MSN life without Shenjiayi--Day7

Sunday is a day where people rest. it's bad, i have conflict with the woman who gave birth to me again. for some stupid reason.

and i did SAT papers, did int. hist, did my personal reference, i am almost shamed t death man. Im really not used to boast about myself this way...

let me see what i have to do this weekend
1) Personal Reference
2) International History SBQ
3) International History essay outline
4) International History, Japanese economic miracle essay (over reliance on foreign market part)
5) Revise Southeast Asia Hist, ASEAN during the post 1975 period for SBQ test on monday
6) Art..complete 7 final images
7) Do SAT paper 2

hmm...so i did..1,4 and 7, and abit of 6 and a bit of 2...okiee....

I. Talked. To. Him.

mo: Everyone's destined to die, it's just a matter of time. says:
my second wish:
[jiayi] only dead or lazy fish swim with the stream says:
erm?
mo: Everyone's destined to die, it's just a matter of time. says:
must do
mo: Everyone's destined to die, it's just a matter of time. says:
MUST DO
[jiayi] only dead or lazy fish swim with the stream says:
u noe the requirements(:
mo: Everyone's destined to die, it's just a matter of time. says:
yes.
mo: Everyone's destined to die, it's just a matter of time. says:
my second wish: Take care of yourself, do not fall SICK. Don't die. DON'T.
[jiayi] only dead or lazy fish swim with the stream says:
huh?
[jiayi] only dead or lazy fish swim with the stream says:
why u suddenly say this?
mo: Everyone's destined to die, it's just a matter of time. says:
never mind
mo: Everyone's destined to die, it's just a matter of time. says:
promise?
[jiayi] only dead or lazy fish swim with the stream says:
yeah
[jiayi] only dead or lazy fish swim with the stream says:
i won't die wad
[jiayi] only dead or lazy fish swim with the stream says:
u ok?
mo: Everyone's destined to die, it's just a matter of time. says:
yeah.
mo: Everyone's destined to die, it's just a matter of time. says:
Thanks. Remeber my second wish.
[jiayi] only dead or lazy fish swim with the stream says:
yeah
mo: Everyone's destined to die, it's just a matter of time. says:
thanks.
mo: Everyone's destined to die, it's just a matter of time. says:
take care.
mo: Everyone's destined to die, it's just a matter of time. says:

[jiayi] only dead or lazy fish swim with the stream says:
is there any reason why u are saying this?
mo: Everyone's destined to die, it's just a matter of time. says:
i just dun want you to die///
[jiayi] only dead or lazy fish swim with the stream says:
haha, yeah
[jiayi] only dead or lazy fish swim with the stream says:
i promise u i won't(:
mo says:
if i died
mo says:
then u still have to keep the promise.
[jiayi] only dead or lazy fish swim with the stream says:
ooi
[jiayi] only dead or lazy fish swim with the stream says:
dun say such things
mo says:
promise?
[jiayi] only dead or lazy fish swim with the stream says:
u are not going to die
[jiayi] only dead or lazy fish swim with the stream says:
neither am i going going to
[jiayi] only dead or lazy fish swim with the stream says:
going yo*
[jiayi] only dead or lazy fish swim with the stream says:
dun any how think
mo says:
promise?
[jiayi] only dead or lazy fish swim with the stream says:
i will
[jiayi] only dead or lazy fish swim with the stream says:
but u are not going to die
mo says:
wait, i want to add on to the wish
mo says:
can?
[jiayi] only dead or lazy fish swim with the stream says:
err
[jiayi] only dead or lazy fish swim with the stream says:
k
mo says:
you must also make sure that
[jiayi] only dead or lazy fish swim with the stream says:
that?
mo says:
erm
mo says:
you will be happy and successful in future
mo says:
can?
mo says:
promise?
[jiayi] only dead or lazy fish swim with the stream says:
yeah
[jiayi] only dead or lazy fish swim with the stream says:
can
[jiayi] only dead or lazy fish swim with the stream says:
are u seriously alright?
mo says:
you think im crazy?
mo says:
no im not.
[jiayi] only dead or lazy fish swim with the stream says:
nono
[jiayi] only dead or lazy fish swim with the stream says:
i noe u are not crazy
[jiayi] only dead or lazy fish swim with the stream says:
i am just asking if u are feeling alright?
mo says:
so you promised.
mo says:
thanks
[jiayi] only dead or lazy fish swim with the stream says:
yup
[jiayi] only dead or lazy fish swim with the stream says:
(:
[jiayi] only dead or lazy fish swim with the stream says:
take care


Because...if im really going to die, the person whom im really worried for is him. He's such a 工作狂..i duno, he used to be very busy, is very busy now and will be very busy in future i guess. and thus he tends to neglect his health. Like skipping breakfast, lunch or dinner or...sleeping late, and over exhausting himself. i want him to be healthy, so i spend the second wish on that. i will not regret abt it.

MSN Life without Shenjiayi---Day6 (death is not far away...i realised)

Today is funny. My parents can't wait for me to go for the body screening. SO i went there early in the morning. Really early, and i din eat breakfast T.T...cos mum said shld not eat anything, might affect the result,she's juz refusing to believe the truth. Trying to think that the last test is inaccurate? i doubt it. Anyway, im not afraid, so what...everyone's destined to die, it's just a matter of time, some live to a longer life while some live to a shorter life. No big deal, i kept on asking myself, what if i were to die tmr, will i have any regrets? will i miss anyone or anything on this Earth? and the ans is kind of pathetic. sighz...

The process was cool...i went into the room, and the nurse rubbed and did all the work in a super skilled manner, i did not feel any pain...in a split second and then it's done. how amazing. but the later part is kind of messy...because, my blood cant seem to stop...weird? weird. oops...may be there's really something wrong with me, the nurse looked at me in a weird way. so what...

Then went to the doc, he listened to my heart, before that, he asked if i have any health problem...and i told him NO. im not sure why i emphasized on the NO. may be deep inside, im also refusing to admit the truth? may be i also rather believe im healthy. actually i am, why shld i say i have problem when im perfectly ok right now? who knows...i hate doctors...they might be bluffing me. i still can run, can talk, can do analytical thinking, can.....do a lot of things!...and im gd at table tennis, badminton, soccer, handball, tennis, iceskating, rollerblading...many things! how can i be having any bloody problem??? it must be a mistake.

oh...went to tale x-ray too...checking for wad? duno..and urine...and brain thingy...juz you lie down and then they'move' you into this machine thingy...duno...have to change onto their purple thingy...look like sleeping gown:P...or jap clothes...wadever...i din do those the previous time. ha ha...may be this time they'll tell me i have brain cancer! ha ha...wadever...wadever the case, im not gona stay in hospital...not gona wait to die...

oh........how i hope tmr never comes.....
i need time...i still have many things not done...what if...i die before i could tell him i love him??? shit shit...duno why...my life is turning into an obvious cliche..like a Korean TV drama....sighz...serects are meant to be buried??? 也许这个"我爱你"的秘密真的会随我长眠于地下也说不定呢。。。

死亡。。很可怕吗？

MSN life without Shenjiayi--Day5

Friday...it rained heavily. Felt cold...colder than usual....

Had Math, and realised that im really behind. I havent done my math revision works for Integration, Correlation and Regression, Binomial distribution, approximate binomial distribution...and today we have one more, normal distribution. Guess i really have to brush up...but...i brought all the works back home only to realise that i did not bring GC home. Wad to do now? bring all back to sch?

Art was slack as usual, i tried to print on acrylic mixed with water. Failed. Tried poster colour. Failed. Tried watercolour...result inconsistent...sighz. I think im so dead for my coursework

Hist...totally confused...i need to go and mug on econs theory and arrange my notes...but...where's the time???? how i hope that time can stop here for me and allow me to catch up first...the world and everyone else around me are moving too fast.

went back to DHS to take my olevel prep...mrs goh sounds a bit reluctant..haha...she said with all our prep works gone, she'll be left with nothing to show..oh well...and on the way back to nj, made jy to fetch me at the side gate to help me carry the boards. ha ha. making full use of human resources.

met cheryl and jy at 430, it's jy who wanted to talk to her, but he kind of scared that she will not want to talk to him so he made sure i will be there too. and true enough, when cheryl received my sms abt meeting jy, she din go until i had to sms her again...sighz...im trying to give them chance..it's funny that i can still feel happy...oh well..as long as he's happy, i will be happy too. He's very eager to see her, really, and always cheryl here and cheryl there, but then once when she's there alr. he stopd talking..ha ha...haiz...humans...

anyway...this call thing is really making all of us very concerned...im starting to get interested in guessing who will be the nxt victim...will it be kaiting? amalina? or...oh well..the person seems to know who to call lehz...the more prominent ones in the club...

calls...........

Today felt very very tired....

Had whitby's lesson, practical criticism of poems, compare and contrast again. I dun really quite understand them, and one part of the poem has really sexual indications...yuck...i was not very attentive, worrying about the heavy clouds outsides thr.out the lesson, i dun want it to rain, wana have pe. Guess whitby is pissed.

Bad luck, it started pouring when the bell rang. sighz, pe was cancelled, so went to eat, was expecting to see him there in the canteen, he always eat there at around the 2nd period cos it's his free period. But then...i din see him today....

Int. hist..went thr. china's emergence...ark...have to do essay outline for Japan industrial miracle...sighz...heavy contents...

GC..mrs nair looked thr. my cca achievements...okay...can upload on km le.

lunch, went down to canteen to accompany karen ear her lunch, and surprise surprise, saw him eating in the canteen, said "hi" and nothing else.

went to do art during free period...nothing much was done, fell asleep and...sighz...damn tired and slapped myself to wake up. then cancelled math tuition with jensen, cos really tired.

math...sat on the stairs waiting for mr tsang to arrive, and then saw jy walking by...we both said nothing, probably he din see me. Had math, fell asleep in the middle of the lesson. sighz....

went to do art again, nothing much la. went to see cheryl's lino...their ones are really quite nice. err...went home...and got cheryl's sms...

SHE GOT THE CALL TOO! OH MY GOD!
sigh...duno when this thing will continue...im getting a little bit worried. sighz...i havent written the report for sharon phua yet...walau eh...and then i smsed jy, and then he's online...so i have to unblock him and talk to him. stupid.
sighz.
he sounded really concerned.

MSN life without Shenjiayi---Day4

Today is practically a free day for me. Had first 2 periods were free periods, then went for lit lect, then free period, lunch, then hist lect ms lim was sick, then GP watched movie “Hotel Rwanda”, contact and CAAL did practically nothing, Mrs Nair dismissed us at 2pm.

Then……I went to ar21 to do my coursework photoshop and at the same time, watch the rest of “Hotel Rwanda” (I borrowed it from Ms Tan). And thennnnnnnn at around 3pm he came in to AR21, I did not see him coming in, until I saw his bag at the door. Apparently he left after he came in to the room.Then later i went to ceramics, on the way back i saw him walking towards AR21, he saw me too. Then he came into ar21, and walked inwards and then saw me, so he came over to chat with me. So he probably dun really "dun like me"...kk...im not giving myself any false hopes. Anyway...we chatted for a while, laughed as usual, sometimes i wonder why i tend to laugh so much when im with him...hmmmm....anyway..he's been complaining about why cheryl was still not there. They were supposed to meet outside dm to do the noticeboard. Anyway, he mentioned cheryl's name for not less than 20 times within that...say...30min or 40min??? and i was like...telling him to behave normally,ha ha, he's juz too eager to see cheryl. and then i went to coro to take passport photos, and helped them buy material for noticeboard. Then when i went back, they are still...just starting and duno wad to do. At first i din want to help one, but then cheryl keep on bugging me, so i stayed and helped...cheryl's damn HIGH today...hahaha..we 2 kept on bullying jy...think he very poor thing...president do saigang...err...hahaha..anyway...think all 3 of us had fun today:P:P

but then to think of it...it seems that it is always the darkroom managers who remain there in ps even after they retire. and last year the previous darkrm manager came and help us with the open day preparation as well...hmmm...should i go and see their open day nxt fri???nooooo...i shld really focus on my course work le. and probably besides cheryl and jy, no juniors wana to see me la, think im becoming more and more irritating to them....

(oh yeah, cheryl's super good with photoshop...shld i go and find her to help me with my coursework????hahahaha)

ps: blahhhhhh...nxt mon go do body check up again...:(

MSN life without Shenjiayi---Day3

I wanted to see him on the way back from assembly...but too bad...morning announcement said that all cca presidents are to assemble at grand stand for briefing. so...well...no fate ha ha.

Had math...ms ling is just cool, some questions that i dun understand for one whole yr she only used 5 min to make and totally understand..wah...cool. And the funny part is with Jensen...we were sitting together as usual, and then he's teaching me as usual. But then this time, there's one qn he said he duno how to do...as in..."duno how to prove that the ans is correct" but he got the ans. which is 5. then ms ling explained the qn to the class, cos apparently it's the most diff. one. Then in the end the correct ans. is : 5. then i asked Jensen how he did it...he said "trial and error...very easy one..."...-_-''''...im juz stupid. then later duno why and how...i dropped my pencil case, and almost at the same time, he dropped his, and then the class started laughing in a evil way...walau eh...they think too much. sighz...and later there's one qn abt... x being between 3 and 7. so ms ling said that 3 and 7 are not included, but Jensen kept telling me that in language terms, 3 and 7 shld be included..so i listened to him in silence, and then said in a damn cool way,"but Jensen, you see, we are doing mathematics now, we shld follow the mathematical language"...(one of the rare times that i sound serious..wahahaha) then the class laughed again...Jensen was... STUNNED!

anyway...pissed off Andrea Tan during GP..cos i was pissed off by her, she made us do a timed compre test ysd and today she gave back and din mark, as us to mark ourselves...wad the hell...then why the need to have a tcher then? stu do and stu mark!...then i went to read my hist notes, then she called my name, then i stopped reading but went to sleep...then she became profoundly pissed off...so she scolded the whole class..cos without me, no one in the class ever ans her qns...so it was...super duper quiet...her own bloody prob!..tmr she said will let us watch "Hotel Rwanda" movie...we'll see how...but one period 50min wont be enough anyway...

art...quite a bit of improvement, made one out of the 50 final images that im supposed to do...showed mr lee..he's pretty happy with it...but then...well...he still wana me to paint...but no time alr...i dun wana spend too much time on art alr...he's face simply pisses me off sometimes...

okay...it's the third day without seeing his email add in my msn list...how stupid....i miss him....

MSN life without shen jiayi--Day 2

This morning, went to see sharon phua with ms chan in the morning. I shldn't have seen her. The first thing she said to me was, "take off your necklace" and then she turned to tell ms chan about how she has reminded me many times about the necklace thing. I dint really care, the motive of me seeing her today was to clearify with her about the serial prank call. And she asked a lot of questions, and asked me to give her a written report with ALL the details in it. My gosh, do i look so free? wadever, i dun dare to say no. And she asked me to make a police report, wad the hell, my mum will kill me! she's alr. so pissed off with me for...spending time on this issue. anyway...sharon phua displayed profound discrimination against PRC students, insisting that the culprit must be a PRC. wadever...i din dare to oppose because, i also do think the same. At least not singaporean, might be taiwanese or hongkonger. wadever...anyway, she mentioned that aep students are to becareful during this so called "course work period" as the culprit is predicted to be rather familiar with the art block. Also...well...she said pretty sure that the person is one of the ps guy. oh well...and then later when i hear daphne's recorded call record...i found the voice familiar...a little too familiar..he sounded exactly like Li Ang...but im not 100% sure...so i din tell ms chan when she asked me. But...i was telling jy abt it...and he said he was thinking abt him too....anyway...i passed the key back to ms chan, she collected longhao and jy's keys too. oh well...from today onwards no one is supposed to hold the dm key...wow...finally.

anyway, i was not able to keep the promise of ignoring jy. I made him help me move the working table to the gallery. and then went into darkrm and had fun with him again. we laughed a lot today. as usual. i beat him and massaged for him and teased him, everything seemed so nice and normal. oh well...im still not gona readd him on msn, it's all too hard to end, but it's all too hard to start again. let's just see what happens.

and...had a timed compre test for GP, and had a pretty good discussion during SEA hist. And did nothing for art again...need to clear the table tmr.

Life without shen jiayi---Day1

today started out bad. I woke up ard 920am, and then started mugging SAT book. But somehow, mum came in and started the whole Uni application issue all over again. She's pissed that i dun want to apply Harvard, Yale and Princeton. She's even more pissed to see that im applying for UK and not yet US. sigh. Why adults just like to refuse to live in reality???

My reasons for not applying top universities:
1) My grades are simply not good enough. Yes, i am almost at 70+ percentile for every subject, but it only means that im in the top 20+% in NJC, not talking abt the whole of Singapore, not talking about the whole world.
2) I did my research, Uni like Harvard and Yale and..yeah..Princeton, only accept like 2% foreign students a year, and like less than 2 from each of the Asian Countries.
3) Uni like Harvard and Yale are mainly better for post graduate studies
4) in any case, for US uni application, each application costs you at least $50 US dollar. so even an idiot also knows you have to choose wisely. I am not the type who love to throw money into the sea.
5) I know where i stand. As simple as that.

My reasons for doing UK applications first
1) They have earlier deadlines.
2) I have already chosen the few schools that i want, not like US..which im still wondering if i shld apply common uni, or liberal arts uni, or art uni.
I wana go: London School of Economics, Warwick Uni, Imperial College, Leagues, Goldsmith...yeah...something like this.
3) UK is more systematic, and DO NOT need SAT results.

My parents' thoughts:
1) i dun care about the application fees, i just want to see my daughter ending up in a prestigeous uni.
2) Im not gona fund her a single cent if she takes art course
3) my daughter will graduate and enter ministry of foreign affairs and therefore, she can only major in : Political science/international relations, journalism, political sociology, politics, mass communications, law.

oh gosh...my mum beat me up this morning simply because she thinks that im lack of determination, self esteem and the fighting spirit. Yes, aft she beat me, i kind of gained the fighting spirit, but it is directed against her! she scolded jy again. sometimes i felt sorry for him, aways kena dragged into this kind of things. My parents only have me, the only child. Until now they still cant accept the idea that i can ever like a guy, cos they know me, im a very proud girl, i use to despise guys, so if one day i really do fall for a guy, if must be he is better than me in someway, yeah, that's wad my parents cant believe in. They simply cant believe there can be someone who's better than me in anyway. Which im like...amazed, cos...im sure...of the 6billion people on earth, there's at least 9million ppl who are better than me~!!! but think my parents will kill themselves if we force them to admit the truth....

anyway...today is the first day since i blocked jy...feels...weird cos i cant even find his email add on my msn list...cos i deleted it at the same time. oh well...it's a good strategy...last time i block him and then aft like a few hrs i will juz unblock him cos when he comes online i will feel like talking to him, but now, i dun even know if he's online cos i cant see either, so...ha ha ha...it's more useful...so can really stop talking:)...oh...yk sent me a few of the old 05 photos of ps, let me see the young jy...wow...he used to have a lot of hair siah?!

snape...my hero

在这部系列里，我最钦佩和喜爱的角色便是斯内普了，一个有隐忍的大丈夫，被误会了也无所谓。他是一个常被误会，又对误会无所谓的人物。感觉上有点像自己，总是被人误会，到现在我已无力再解释了。所谓：清者自清，浊者自浊

　　
整部《哈利·波特》中最富有悲剧色彩的人，究竟是谁？如果说小天狼星是含冤十数年，被关押追捕乃至逃亡，最后雪冤在即却英勇牺牲，是最为悲惨的人，那么还有人临终前的境况比他更令人扼腕。他就是西弗勒斯·斯内普。

　　在电影中，谁的造型更令人反感。回答也许有很多，伏地魔的造型令人恐惧，食死徒们的疯狂的装束让人惊恐，但是在魔法学校里，最让人反感无疑是这位不遗余力为难哈利的斯内普教授了。

　　“先生，斯内普他……”

　　“是斯内普教授，哈利”

　　“好吧，斯内普教授。”

　　如果不是邓布利多教授的劝解，哈利也许会更加讨厌斯内普。真的，只要看电影里他的造型，就知道他是多么惹人厌，油腻腻的黑头发贴在额角，终日是一身玄衣，总是厌恶的盯着哈利，每节课都竭尽全力找借口，施展权限，让哈利和他的朋友不快，这位斯内普教授可真够讨厌的。在年轻的哈利进入魔法学校的第一节魔药课上，斯内普就让哈利出足了洋相。他询问了一个非魔法家庭出生的孩子最难回答的问题，彻底羞辱了从小习惯沉默的孤儿哈利，伤害了哈利受尽磨折的教父小天狼星·布莱克，并最终也是他的报信，让布莱克死在了魔法部里。让大家对他产生了说不出的反感。

　　每当斯内普[扮演者艾伦·里克曼 (Alan Rickman)]紧盯着哈利，并且阴阳怪气的说出伤害哈利的话，都会让人感到这是一个卑鄙小人在以羞辱的方式宣泄他近二十年输给哈利父亲的屈辱。内心戏往往是最难出演的，每每我们总能读出斯内普目光中的厌恶还有一股说不清的东西。究竟是什么，还是那句话，感觉很复杂，说不清楚。究竟什么才是内心戏，很简单也很困难——就是心里想着我爱你，说出来的却是别的话。但是眼神，行为举止却泄露了这样的内心活动。换句话说，只有完全入戏的演员才能做到这一点。对于艾伦·里克曼 (Alan Rickman)的演技，相信没有人会去质疑。出身舞台剧的里克曼，有着最扎实的演技。他蹒跚而行，他阴郁而动，他狂暴而为，他冷嘲热讽，无不展现了一个狭隘的斯内普的所为。

　　斯内普的所做作为，为的都是打击哈利·波特和他的朋友，服务于伏地魔。真是魔法学校教师中的败类。然而，这一切都是真的么？如果斯内普真的痛恨哈利，那么他有很多次机会杀死哈利。如果他真的痛恨哈利，希望他死，那么他并不需要做什么，只需要不做什么就可以了。他可以选择不去救他，不去帮助他，为什么他一面折磨他，一面又帮助他，还总是凝望着哈利的眼睛，总是神情复杂的看着他的眼睛。当摄影机的镜头在慢慢推进，为的是给食死徒斯内普的眼神一个特写，人们禁不住会想：斯内普，疯了吗？

　　每一集里斯内普折磨人的招数总是常换常新，层出不穷，总是让哈利难堪，当斯内普身着黑衣，疯狂的与小天狼星搏斗时，每个人都感到了一股仇恨的血液在涌动。他是为了保护哈利，最后却查出了真相。镜头残酷而真实的记录了这一切。每一次，斯内普都是这样，虽然仇恨着哈利，却帮助着哈利。

　　直到最后一部，揭开了电影里令人印象深刻的镜头——斯内普总是凝望哈利眼睛的秘密。原来他通过孩子的眼睛追忆孩子的母亲：自己最爱的女子——莉莉。直到最后一刻，他用自己的记忆，解释了这一切。原来此生，他最爱的人竟然是哈利的母亲。从阴沉的少年时代，到进入魔法学校，再到孩子们一起学习、思考人生、慢慢长大，他始终爱着她。可是，莉莉最终还是被詹姆，哈利的父亲所吸引，并与之相爱结婚。失落的痛苦将他推入深渊，为了她，他宁愿向邓布利多报信，最后莉莉的死给了他最大的打击。虽然憎恨哈利的父亲詹姆，他却保护了他的儿子哈利。他所有的一切都是为了爱，他用全部的生命爱一个麻瓜女子，超越了时空与仇恨，跨越了种族与偏见，并最终无惧的迎来死亡，卸下重担。西弗勒斯· 斯内普尽管没有绅士的行为，却仍然不失为一个英雄，因为爱情而勇敢付出，与邪恶势力较量的英雄。

Super pervertice idiot stalker!

He replied:

hey,

it's ok already(: dun worry too much, see u on monday. hope this matter will resolve asap((:

jiayi

不出我所料，是个惜字如金的男生。算了，过去了，捱过去就行了，就像戒烟，戒酒，戒毒一样。

i blocked him and deleted his add on msn
i deleted his HP no.

and on coming mon, i shall go up to third floor art gallery to work, shall not go ar21 unnecessarily so as to not to see him.

one side note: i received a damn weird call this morning, the guy has a very soft, soothing and nice voice that did not lead me into thinking of anything weird and evil. But he said something shocking.He told me that he saw me "bao guang" last wk at art block 2nd floor. He kept on telling me that he saw my underwear and kept on asking me to be careful. And continuously asking me who do i think he is. But i was so super brainless and funny that time, he spoke in chinese, so naturally led to me thinking that he's one of the sph person, cos his voice very soft and i was supposed to attend a meeting at sph today. So i tot it was dianjun, cos his voice also very soft and gentle and nice. But then he sounded ambiguous when he heard the name "dian jun" and said something like "if u think im dian jun then i am lor"...err...i kept on laughing and guessing, cos i really tot that he's one of my friend trying to play with me...until...

until i told jiayi online, abt what happened, and he told me that daphne and meiling also got the same kind of call...then i asked daph...then she said in her calls...the guy said that he saw her "bao guang" and took photos and wana publicise. then in meiling's case, he kept on asking her who she thinks he is. And my case is some sort of a combination of theirs. oh well...to think i was laughing thr.out when i received the call, and now...it sends shivers up my spines. anyway...daph told me the guy that called her tried to make his voice low...just like my case. and then i told ms chan, she asked me to check miss calls, so i checked, i got 2 miss calls from a number starting with 6, at ard ysd midnight. Then i sent that number to ms chan, she said it's the same number that called daphne. but the number that i picked up this morning is private number. anyway...i called back the 6....number, then someone picked up, but no sound. so super eerie!

ms chan said she has alr. reported to sharon phua and the police, investigation is underway, and now all guys in ps are somewhat "suspected" because...it seems that it's only the photog girls kena victimised. oh well....but why me???? i have alr. retired!!!!...shit!!!!ms chan suspect that he has a ps contact list...

anyway...im purely unlucky!
should i go and buy sexy underwears so that if he stalks on me further, the photos wont look bad? kkkkk!!!! yeah...im kidding!!!!!

请问：哪里有卖后悔药？

嘉易：

首先我要再次向你表达我的歉意，真的很对不起。是我的错，我明白，有些事是不能随便拿来开玩笑的，早上我其实不是有意要开玩笑的，真的是有些被吓到了，不过不管怎样，还是是我太过分了。我总是这样，不敏感，总是说一些令我自己都会后悔的话。和你一起工作那么久，本应该明白什么该说，什么不该说，尤其是在和你说话的时候就更应该注意。你这人虽不拘小节，从不介意别人拿你开玩笑或欺负你（当然必须是善意的）；但大原则上从来都是一丝不苟，不会做出让步的。你一直都谨小慎微，不去惹别人，努力去做到让每个人都开心，去营造完美的形象，而我今天的不恰当的言语无疑是触碰了你的底线，真的是很对不起，不过你放心，那些话我是再也不会说了。



真的很抱歉，在过去的一年中总是给你添麻烦，总是有事没事地找你麻烦，心情好就拿你来寻开心，心情不好就把你当出气筒。其实我一直把你当好朋友，一直很想帮你，只是我的脾气有时连自己也管不住它，最后弄得你很无辜地成为牺牲品。是我把你的宽容，你的忍耐，你的好脾气当成了无可厚非的“应该”，是我一味地不知分寸，踩着你的底线走还要你完全服从。我知道你是出于本性的善良，才容忍了我那么久，其实没有这个必要的嘉易，我是个被宠坏了的小孩，你的容忍是对我的纵容，我想是时候停止这种宽容了，是我不知惜福，不知道珍惜美好的友情，也许只有在失去了对我最重要的友谊之后才能让我学会珍惜。人们总是说“忍无可忍，无需再忍”，所以不要再委屈自己去忍耐了，这一年里，我不知道做过多少错事，不知道对你们说过多少个“对不起”可结果我却还是没变，仍然任性且不可理喻，所以现在连我都对自己的“对不起”产生了怀疑，就像Ian说的，我是不可以被信任和原谅的。



最后，再次想你说一声“对不起”，早上我不是那个意思，就算我怀疑全世界，也不会怀疑你，你是有你的缺点，但你是君子，这一点我从来没有质疑过。早上的事，真的很后悔，因为说出去的话就像是泼出去的水一样，无法收回了。



王茉

（你应该知道，每当我用华文写的时候，我都是很郑重的，所以这一次，我是郑重的向你道歉，没有在开玩笑，没有在“酸”你，没有在赌气。）

青春

青春, 其实说穿了，青春只是一个约定俗成的过程。因为没有经历过，所以一开始我们都不懂得。我们都是有着美好憧憬的孩子，我们不相信自己会输得那么惨，因此固执地以为自己是幸运的例外。我们期盼着爱情的芬芳，沉迷于自我的忧伤，有过类似的泪流满面，有过对蓝天的恋慕和仰望。

我们渴望自由，总是希望大人们不再干涉我们的选择；我们有自己的思想，有痴迷的喜欢的作品，一同关注的焦点，共同热衷的话题；我们充满着对成人世界的好奇，藏着一些只有密友才知道的秘密；我们都有过一心向往的国度和城市，有过远走他乡离家出走的念头；我们都曾冲动过，也为自己的年轻付出过代价，但从不计较得失；我们青春的故事里，都体验过离别的伤逝，有过一梦三四年的经历；我们明知道会被人伤害，却仍会义无返顾地决意要尝试那诱人的禁果，然后坚强的微笑着；我们都希望能放肆一回，轰轰烈烈的爱一场，因为这是成熟的必经之路；我们追逐着自己的梦，寻找着一个可能永远没有正解的答案；我们边走边唱，青春已在我们的歌声中不经意地老去。

后来的我们，总会不小心验证了上一代的预言。青春的最后，一切激情都将归于平淡，一切爱恋都不再甜蜜光鲜，一切誓言都会随风而逝，剩下的只是怅然若失的明媚。当我们开始怀念青春往事的时候，它已经消失。留下的只是无声的回忆，零星的片段。因为有爱，所以没有再爱；因为纯情，所以得不到感情。

我们依稀还是会记得那个真心爱过的人，表达过的爱意和思念，一起许下的山盟海誓，虽然它注定会随云飘散，无法实现。人生苦短，所有的伤口总能愈合，不管它曾经有多痛，生活依然是细水长流，不会为谁失去了谁而停下。我们只能悼念那场没有结果的爱情，在青春的末梢，不能搁置，无处安放，无法埋葬。

青春究竟是什么呢？纯粹的哭，纯粹的笑，纯粹的做自己想做的事，不掺杂半点世俗的圣洁，就像绽放的雪百合那般。是的，我们有时可能无法把握自己的爱情，无法掌握自己的青春，不能拥有自己的生活。但是我想，在我们拥有它的时候，也许可以投入得更多一些，更真实一点。因为当你爱上一个人的时候，青春会告诉你他赋予你的涵义，那时的你会为此放弃全世界而毫无顾忌。青春流逝在这青春中间。

who am i? what am i like? i really duno...

came across this site...then suddenly felt like doing such things..funny...ha ha...accuracy wise not bad laz...ha ha ha...im becoming more and more...sighz...superstitious? nono..that's not the right word to use...heehee...

Guys Like That You're Sensitive

And not in that "cry at a drop of a hat" sort of way You just get most guys - even if you're not trying to Guys find it is easy to confide in you and tell you their secrets No wonder you tend to get close quickly in relationships!

What Do Guys Like About You?

yes...im sensitive...but sometimes overly sensitive...stupid....

Your Life is 37% Off Track

In general, your life is going very well. You're quite happy with where you are and what you're doing. And even if you get a bit off course, you're usually able to get back on track easily.

Are You Living The Wrong Life?

my life is going on well? are u trying to bluff me? i know how bad it is...

You Are Picky When it Counts

Like most sane women, you want a great guy who will treat you well. But you're also willing to put up with a few flaws in your Mr. Right You should congratulate yourself on having a realistic approach to dating. You probably have quite a few great guys you can date!

Are You Too Picky When It Comes To Men?

Im sane? no im not...shit..i juz want a guy who loves me more than i love him...

The True You

You want your girlfriend or boyfriend to be more open with you. With respect to money, you are a bit stingy. You think good luck will definitely be yours, someday. The hidden side of your personality tends to be satisfied to care for things with a minimal amount of effort. You care more about world trends and fashions than you do about well formed opinions. When it comes to finding a romantic partner, you make opportunities to interact with many people through club activities or a hobby, then select someone you like.

Who's The True You?

hmmm....im a little stingy...hmmm...then where did all my $ go??? wahhhh...cry siah..find romantic partner thr. hobby? photography? am i stretching too far? ha ha...yar...i want him to be more open...

You Are 32% Nerdy

You're a little nerdy, but no one would ever call you a nerd. You sometimes get into nerdy things, but only after they've become a part of mainstream culture.

How Nerdy Are You?

this is very true...hahaha...im never nerdy:P

Your Dominant Intelligence is Spatial Intelligence

You've got a good sense of space and how the world around you looks. You can close your eyes and "see" images. You have innate artistic talent. An eye for color and shapes, you're also a natural designer. Since you think in pictures, visual aids and demonstartions help you learn best. You would make a good navigator, sculptor, visual artist, inventor, architect, interior designer, or engineer.

What Kind of Intelligence Do You Have?

hmmmm...oh welll....the engineer part im not really sure lehz...heehee

Your Personality is Somewhat Rare (ESFP)

Your personality type is playful, charming, open minded, and energetic. Only about 7% of all people have your personality, including 9% of all women and 5% of all men You are Extroverted, Sensing, Feeling, and Perceiving.

How Rare Is Your Personality?

okay...i agree to a large extent...wow...

Your Five Factor Personality Profile

Extroversion: You have high extroversion. You are outgoing and engaging, with both strangers and friends. You truly enjoy being with people and bring energy into any situation. Enthusiastic and fun, you're the first to say "let's go!" Conscientiousness: You have high conscientiousness. Intelligent and reliable, you tend to succeed in life. Most things in your life are organized and planned well. But you borderline on being a total perfectionist. Agreeableness: You have low agreeableness. Your self interest comes first, and others come later, if at all. In general, you feel that people are not to be trusted. And you're skeptical that anyone else really feels differently. Neuroticism: You have medium neuroticism. You're generally cool and collected, but sometimes you do panic. Little worries or problems can consume you, draining your energy. Your life is pretty smooth, but there's a few emotional bumps you'd like to get rid of. Openness to experience: Your openness to new experiences is high. In life, you tend to be an early adopter of all new things and ideas. You'll try almost anything interesting, and you're constantly pushing your own limits. A great connoisseir of art and beauty, you can find the positive side of almost anything.

The Five Factor Personality Test

yepyep...this is more like me...

Your Love Element Is Earth

In love, you have consistency and integrity. For you, love is all about staying grounded and centered. You attract others with your zest for life and experiences. Your flirting style is defined by setting the scene, creating a unique moment in time. Steady progress and stability are the cornerstones of your love life. You may take things too slowly, but you never put your heart at risk. You connect best with: Fire Avoid: Wood You and another Earth element: need each other too much to build a good foundation

What Element Is Your Love?

wow...i din know im the steady kind lehz...but heehee...shenjiayi's in fire sign i guess...aries mahz...wow...heehee...shit...stop thinking abt that shit..!!! >:(

You Will Die at Age 67

You're pretty average when it comes to how you live... And how you'll die as well.

What Age Will You Die?

NONONONONO!!! i will die at the age of 48, no joke abt that!

You Are the Ego

You take a balanced approach to your life. You definitely aren't afraid to act out on your desires - even crazy ones. But you usually think first. Morals drive you as much as hedonism does. You've been able to live a life of pleasure... without living a life of excess.

Are You Id, Ego, or Superego?

hmmmmmmmmmmmmm

You Make a Great First Impression

You can handle almost any social situation with grace, even the tricky ones. Strangers often find you charming and interesting. You are often remembered fondly. Even if you're not naturally outgoing, you can make conversation with anyone if you need to. Whether you were born this way or had to work to get here, you are definitely charismatic. You're popular and well liked. People definitely look forward to being around you. Your social connections bring you a full and rich life. You understand how important it is to make a lasting impression.

What Kind of First Impression Do You Make?

wah...this is too much a compliment...i tot i always leave bad impressions...

You Are Destined to Rule the World

You have the makings of a very evil dictator... Which is both kind of cool and kind of scary! Will you rule the world? Maybe. Maybe not. But at least you know that you could.

Are You Destined For World Domination?

my views and goals have changed drastically ever since i fell in love with jy...now i just want to be a good housewife...provided if i can have a loving husband. However..i think my initial traits are still somewhere within me, they are not gone...so let's say if i dun get to enjoy a happy relationship or marriage, im sure i will become a career woman instead and conquering the world would be my ideal goal by then...

Your Scholastic Strength Is Deep Thinking

You aren't afraid to delve head first into a difficult subject, with mastery as your goal. You are talented at adapting, motivating others, managing resources, and analyzing risk. You should major in: Philosophy Music Theology Art History Foreign language

What Should You Major In?

true true...

Hmmm... Maybe He's Interested!

He seems to be giving you mixed or muted signals Which may mean you've been giving him the wrong messages When he pauses to notice you, give him a little more attention. A little encouragement may go a long way with this guy!

not true lor..he's not interested at all...

Your Career Type: Enterprising

You are engertic, ambitious, and sociable. Your talents lie in politics, leading people, and selling things or ideas. You would make an excellent: Auctioneer - Bank President - Camp Director City Manager - Judge - Lawyer Recreation Leader - Real Estate Agent - Sales Person School Principal - Travel Agent - TV Newscaster The worst career options for your are investigative careers, like mathematician or architect.

What's Your Ideal Career?

not bad not bad

You've Got a Bit of a Crush

Maybe your guy friend is a crush of convenience - easy enough to happen Did you just break up with someone? Or are you more lonely than usual? If no to both, then this small crush could be the real deal. Find out if he feels the same - because he just might!

Are You Crushing on Him (And Don't Even Know It)?

crush? or obsession? or love? or friendship?

You Are A Romantic Realist

You tend to be grounded when it comes to romance. Sure, you can fall hard... but only for someone you've gotten to know. And once you're in love, you can be a total romantic goofball... But you'd never admit it to your friends!

Are You Romantic or Realistic?

yes.

You're Pretty Stupid

You got 5/10 questions right! It's probably time to get your head examined. You hardly know left from right.

Are You Stupid?

ARHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!