“ All humans are frightened of their own solitude. But only in solitude can we learn to know ourselves, learn to handle our own eternal aloneness."

i am never a popular person, i am always a wierd person, a weird person who draws attention from others, both positive and negative attention. To my dismay, negative ones seem to triumph against the positive ones, thus came the name of infamous mo. I never thought i did anything enough to deserve such. sigh, guess it's time to change? i think i wana change now.
my resolution:
1) Do not be the first person to speak up in a group
2) Do not speak too much
3) Try to be more sensitive and alert, avoid all dangerous locations.
4) Avoid whoever who has anything against me, better, if i can go and try to apologise to them (for sth that i never thot i did wrongly) then start sucking up to them.
5) DO not laugh aloud at any public place
6) DO not give out genuine opinin, feelings
7) hide my emotions, ideas, keep them to myself and my photoblog/blog
8) Be less efficient so there will be lesser work to do.
9) be more superficial, probably...just be as superficial as i can, do my best
10) Say whatever people want to hear, not whatever that's right.

yes, guess with these 10 things being achieved, i will probably be very successful in life. But somehow, i felt that it's almost impossible for me as...if i really do all these, it wont be me anymore, but nonetheless, it helps, at least i wont make so many people be pissed with me right? yes, try out first.

and........................read Tuesdays with Morrie...there's one para that inspires me a lot...

"Life is a series of pulls back and forth...."

It used to be smooth sailing, my life..used to be. For most of the time, i get what i wish to acquire. But this time, one of the few major setbacks i ever experienced in life. No, it's not about love. I used to think that not being loved by him is the only failure in my entire whole life, until today, i realised how trivial it is in comparison to my ambition. I never felt so down before, it's just five lines of letter but took me a whole 15 minutes to finish reading it, i wasn't expecting this, esp when i've already gotten the approving nods from reknowned universities such as LSE, Leeds and UCL.

I am very frank now, I am not prepared for this. not prepared for any similar setbacks in future. no, i'm confused now, am i overly confident? No, but this just makes me hate that particular ***** ******** place even more, i am not going back to that building ever again, no way, i dun like politics, nor do i like suck ups. even here at my workplace, i see suck ups, i see busybodies, i see politics, i see rumour makers, i see ugly stuff...but...no, im side tracking now...

i have not really planned for my future have i? so it seemed that i did, but no, so he is right, perhaps, i shld change major, to something finance, something practical like law, if, of course, my grades could make it. but, now im so unsure, As is gona be release soon, will it be like Olevels again? a major disappointment? or will it be..even worse? i'm getting nervous now. all these emo stuff.

yes im feeling down, but it's just different this time, i dun feel like telling ppl how i felt...or rather, i duno how to express this feeling, may be, i shld indulge in work. I did a full 9 periods of marks recording for all the upper class art students, and i did beading...wiring, jewel thing, i am exhausted today.

did demo in class


ring and earrings..


was half way through my book mark..




both physically and phychologically.

give me a break.

please

Went for PS outing ysd ate at 鼎泰丰..not cheap siah...
as usual, we had communication errors again, ian thot i confirmed with ms chan but i thot he did, so in the end no one did. Tried to call her, but she hung up. a bit rude of her not to sms and explain, but what to do? she's an art tcher in njc. all art tchers in nj are prbably the same, 一丘之貉.

But nonetheless, ian, sijie and i enjoyed our outing, it's interesting to see how time and conflictings have bonded us so well...we've went through so much...hope we could keep this precious friendship forever...so nxt time, no more ps exco outings, but rather, meet up sessions for si jie ian and mo.

today gg for moe scholarship networking session...nah...loads of thigns to do now..record marks for art...

没有我的日子里他过得很好，没有他的日子里我过得也不赖。我们的友情和缘分就从此画上句点，我们的人生也会从此走上平行线，万难再度相遇了。不后悔，是因为曾经为自己的这份情感感动过，已是足够。未来的是谁也预料不到，但在短期内不会像要开始新的感情，等到一切安定下来，上天所安排的姻缘也会随之而来了，所以不会急，终有一天，我也会成为一个人的最爱，因爱而幸福着。

today...i no longer feel like an abondoned kid. I have Mr Muhammad! I mean, clarify clarify, I have him as my supervisor again! as in, I get to assist him again. So in the morning i had lessons with the NA sec5 and the sec4 students, all NA classes. They did observational drawings speedy test and...Mr muhammad introduced me to...English Calligraphy! so fun! At least now, I can learn something.




Early in the morning, while i was reading newspaper...I saw jiayi's face on one of the photos. So it's abt nj's gonna extend the 4 yr through train programme to 6 yrs, I dun think it's a gd idea, but nonetheless, it's gd thing for virginia cheng as it makes nj different again, prestigious and news catching. but the focus is, jy is there, though i cant see his face, the idiot was looking at the floor when the pic was taken, duno what that bright brain was thinking, probably showing that he's no longer losing hair? sighz...idiots are always idiots. Ian emailed and say jy wont be gg for the outing, duno if he's really busy or he just want to avoid, since i told him he shld not appear for any of the ps outing anymore, but in any case it will be good for both of us. I thought I got over him but i'm wrong, ysd when karen smsed adn said she saw him on news, i was really thrilled and i never thought i actually miss seeing him so much. But, over is over, i should continue to be like this, persevere. everything has an end. Shan yan told me that i no longer love him anymore, im behaving like this only because it has developed into a habit. it's habitual..and im like..I DUN WANT, IT'S WORSE imagine..no...i cant even imagine about having this kind of lousy habits...-_-''' sighz



jy on newspaper


what a good way of appearing on newspaper..but...surprisingly, cant see that he's losing hair.

本以为已经放下了，本以为已不再眷恋。。怎知好不容易伪装起来的坚强竟是如此的脆弱。。。
听到他的名字，心，还是会悸动。。
听到他的消息，心，还是会激动。。
报纸中，照片上的他还是那么地从容。这就是他，一个永远不会被心牵着走的理性的人。。
不了解他，真的，很差劲吧？以前总是自以为是他的知心好友，如今才发现这一切都是假象。他，一如既往的深沉着，我，也在一如既往地痴醉着，什么时候，才能到岸？
也许有一天，我会放下对他的情感，收拾自己的伤痛，充实自己的信心，带上无比的勇气，再次在感情的探险中跋涉。。寻找属于自己的幸福，也许有一天，我也会成为别人眼中的最爱，也许。。。
也许我一辈子也放不下，
一辈子的枷锁。

Friday 15th Feb

It was a day of...
anyway, when there are too many things to handle, one will naturally break down. I rmb once a friend reprimanded me, he said that I'm just a cry baby. That happened last year, since then, I told myself not to cry, at least, try not to cry unless it's really really too tough...

then

I cried on Friday, right in front of my supervisor, cried like a little girl. Reasons? The adult world is too ugly. People misunderstand for the sake of misunderstanding, people make friends for the sake of making friends, people smile for the sake of smiling, people gossip for the sake of sheer thrill of finding happiness upon other's mistakes or imperfections. This is an ugly world, I never thought that even teachers could be so superficial, so fake. But, this is the truth. It is where i work in now, I do not suck up, i never liked sucking up, so i will remain as who i am, i wont try to mix around for the sake of wanting to be popular, no i wont, I have my own character.

Went for primary school alumni dinner, the dinner was bad (partly due to my headach), but the people are good, my primary school guys emerged as handsome young men while teachers praised me like anything. all these, all these...seemed to be a sweet dream, consoling me from the nightmare that i've experienced ealier in the day...


the girls

with ms neo

with wu lao shi

who's this? gosh...bonseng!




16th feb Sat
Had slight fever in the morning, probably due to the friday thingy...woke up at 4pm...LATE...went to mr low's hse for bbq, gosh, it's such a LONG WALK...i almost thought that he lives in jungles...miraculously, I found his hse all on my own. Mr low is still the old mr low, the mr low whom i admired, 'loved' and looked up to as a fatherly figure. he's really cool...so we joked around...talked about everything under the sun...
xinnie, karen, joyce were there and later vic, peiwen and mab joined us later. The BBQ session was one of the most successful bbq i've ever had, the food are really nice, no left overs, just enough, no over burnt stuff, no uncooked, half cooked things, all is just nice. we spent the evening circling around the bbq pit, talked, drank wine, had fun. How i missed the old days, how i missed the time that we were as carefree as then...sighz...i wana go greece and scotland with mr low! shall save up then! at the end of the thing, mr low lend me "tuesdays with Morrie"...a book that i wanted to read long long ago...im sure i will love it, just hope that i wont cry the way like mr low did when he read the book..-_-'''...and...GOT ANG BAO from mr low!!! he's so nice...

“全家福”2008

karen, mo and vic

karen and i

random...packing to go home...

returned home at 11+...super tired...

happy friendship day mr 蓝

Today is International Friendship Day...or...you can call it Valentine's Day...

Received a sms from karen early in the morning..

"Good morning and a very happy friendship day! Thanks for your letter and the encouragement it contains. Let's hope that on this day we'll be reminded of the countless love that surrounds us and lends us the strength to live each day out with happiness. You are worthy of better love and may that arrive when it may to you, and drive away any unpleasant memories. Cheers to our friendship! I see no end. =)"

friends...are the family we chose for ourselves..what more could I have asked for when I have so many good friends? It's okay to be deprived of true love, but it is never okay to have no friends. Trust me.

received an email from a..mentor/friend.. and he said
Remember this:
When your life is fruitless, it does not matter who praise you or endorse you.
When your life is fruitful, it does not matter who criticise you or condemn you.

and...my life right now, is barren...it is sad when people around me seem to have more confidence in me than i am in myself. I am pretty sure that I've suffering from certain mental block, I can't think properly...arhh..let it be..life is barren...life is sad...the futility of human existence..sigh...

I am not feeling good today, not because I don't have a date, not because I cancelled something, it is because, my brain told my heart that it is hollow, and my heart replied to my brain that it felt empty as well, but the truth is, the heart is physically occupied, so full yet so empty, yes, my heart says it is hungry. and, experience in school isn't making my life easier, I am becoming really scared of some students, I shall not recount what happened today, many, many, many, many, many bad things happened. I became a fierce teacher, i sent students out of class, I made students pull their ears, I made them stare at me, I made myself feel sad. Is my tolerance level too low? or am i just no good? nothing's easy...nothing...

But, I am going to persevere, I'm sure, I wont get to where I want to go if I only travel on sunny days...sometimes, rain nurtures as well...it is essential, and i shall worry less about the past...afterall, today's the tomorrow we worried about yesterday and all is well.

If...only....I'd stop trying so hard to be happy last time, I could perhaps, have a pretty good time...afterall no one can define happiness, we have to be unhappy to understand it.

Bought a new wallet at Takashimaya during the weekend, treated myself, wadever, my new year was so boring. wow, felt heart pain after paying, it's not cheap..-_-''' wonder why I did such a stupid thing, my colleagues told me that only a doraemon wallet suits me cos im so super childish...never mind, i like this brand..though it's not my fav brand...( i love............) yeah...but it is also a paris brand so not too bad...


Went to watch Kite runner with karen ysd...

not as good as the book, but nonetheless, some of the scenes are really touching. I like the childhood part where hassan helped amir to chase the kite, the part about amir bullying hassan was not very well rendered...i thought...the director could have delved deeper in terms of the emotional sturggle experienced by Amir..he's not bad in nature, he loves Hassan as well, all was because of jealousy...the father. sighz.


received an email from ....

Hi Wang Mo,

Congratulations!

Your photo entry "True Harmony"
has won the 1st prize of S$500 cash
in the South East CDC Moments of Harmony photography competition

Kindly reply to confirm your name for cheque payment as well as your mailing address.

We will process the cheque and mail it to you by 15 March 2008.

wow...to think that i was about to give up on photography completely... but that's so stupid...to do it just becuase of ONE PERSON! forget it.



harry confiscated this ysd...so fun..haha...i played with it for a longgggg time lehz... and look at my own confiscated"weapon"..haha..this was from...3/2 i think yeah...



Today had classes in 4/3, 5/2 and 4/4, all quite enjoyable for me. they are all big students already, i didnt even bother to scold them ( no use anyway) especially in the normal acad class. Instead, i changed my strategy and talked to them, in a friendly manner, like friends (im only 2 or 3 years older than thm anyway). This is pretty good, they soon got high and started talking about everything under the sun. it's okay, im fine with that as long as the attitude is good. 4/4 was extremely comfortable for me, they asked me to relief them more often, too bad, im not the one in charge of this. they were preparing for their "big day" Vday...tmr...wow...it's been one year alr, i still rmb last yr's vday, i was thinking of what to buy for Sxxx JxxYx...stupid right? bet he din even appreciate it. si jie was right, why spend the time and effort on someone who probably wont even know how to appreciate it?


...arhh...surprises..one of the students in 4/4 gave me this flower



...for Vday...haha...so cute, international friendship day...okay..so...just let my friendships with my friends grow bah...i need not love... "when i was young..i never needed anyone"

accidentally, found this, written in another blog of my junior...life, is, so, full, of, surprises, i, am, really, touched.

Monday, November 26, 2007
The End


I cast you as the star role,
In the play I called My Life,
But you chose to be merely,
Just another one of the,

Backstage Crew.

I composed for you the chorus,
In the soundtrack of My Memories,
But you chose the note that sounded,
Only after the song was,

Through.

I gave you the largest place,
I could find in My Heart,
Yet you chose only to dwell,
In the corner meant for,

'Just a Friend'.

I wrote you a chapter,
In the book of My Story,
But you chose the epilogue,
The part that comes after,

The End.

The star role of My Life,
Now belongs to another.
While you stand behind the curtains,
To hear the applause and watch,

The Encore.

The chorus I've composed,
In My Memories is now his.
So hear the song and realise,
The last note doesn't sound,

Anymore.

The largest place in My Heart,
Is an offer I no longer extend.
It's occupied now by someone else,
So keep that corner, because,

You're 'Just a Friend'.

The chapters, the prologue and,
Even the epilogue of My Story,
I've given them all to him.
For you, I leave the words:

The End.

*Author's note: This was inspired by the words my senior wrote about the boy she liked who never returned her feelings. She wrote, "I gave you the star role in my life, but you chose to be merely the chorus." The second part speaks of my wish for her to move on.

came to tiff's house to bai nian. cool, was here last year, and here again this year, and im sure, of course, nxt yr probably i wont be here anymore. i mean, i might be somewhere else in the world. hopefully.

eh...it's funny...new year here is so different..i miss china, i miss beijing, i miss the time that i celebrate my cny in beijing.


haha, celebrating cny at tiffany's hse...


haha idiots...both of us....


'lao yu sheng!"


our "ang baos" wahahahahah

okayyyyy...back to real life, si jie just emailed, so like what i've dreamt, the outing is not going to be...yeah..cant make it. like what always happened to ps, there's always gg to be some emergency changes....... so...14th feb cant, may be some other days, well...may be...after march holi.

ian's email...i duno how to properly describe how i felt after reading it, but one thing im sure is that, i felt sad...very sad...i envy him, at least, he's happy. he's enjoying whatever 'love' he gave out and whatever 'love' he has received from his friends, he tried his best to live his jc life to the fullest. and what am i doing? it is wrong to say that i have wasted my jc life on jy because i made so many other friends, after the bizzare conflict with him, it's amazing how our friendship hardened...became stronger. i think the only way to save the friendship btw jy and i is to have sth like this, a real trashout session. yes. but jy is never as sincere as ian. this i am sure, at least ian's ambition is small, all he wanted was to have a nice time, a memorable jc life, have fun with friends, but jy is different. but now at least i understand whose "ambition" is more noble.

well...it's so strange how i became friends with ian, but now it's not impt to find out how we got here thus far, the impt thing here is, how we are gona continue this precious friendship...let it last longer than anyone wld have expected...but..i guess...it wont be a problem cos we've surpassed...overcame the biggest problem in out j2 years le.

slacked at home for the past few days. really slacked, so much so that my body's immune system also relaxed to the extent that i fell sick in this very festive season. welllll..i dun really care, after monday, i kind of got traumatised a little, so im becoming weird, seems that i dun really care about anything very much now. so i kept eating cny food, making my sore throat even worse. Ordered pizza ysd, mum went out. This is another pathetic cny for me, and im getting a bit scared, im becoming more and more emotional in recent yrs, i wonder how will i survive if im going to be in london nxt yr. im really very happy about the LSE conditional offer but im pretty scared for my alevels result, from the experience of my olevels, i know, im the kind who wont do well in important exams de.

life is getting harder.

hope in this new year, i shall finally be able to move on with a new life.

hoping....

Had a weird dream ysd, dreamt that jy came and apologise to me. nah, but that's rubbish, he's never gona find fault in himself, same applies to myself.

so today is chinese new year, nothing much for me, no excitement, nothing. It's just like any other day to me, as long as im not in beijing, i wont feel the atmosphere for cny.look at the sporeans, the way they celebrate it, to me, they celebrate for the sake of celebrating, everything's so superficial and fake here. yes, that's how exactly a beijing girl feels after experiencing 9 years of cny in spore. im sorry to all the chinese sporeans but too bad, i am an honest person.

anyway, but the special thing is, today, it's the first time that i celebrate cny as a tcher, in bedok green sec. the feeling is different here cos it has a large malay population but nonetheless, they are sincere and supportive of it. so, most of the tchers came in red, including me, nah...ugly colour.

the concert was...well...let me be honest gain, throughout my 8 yrs of sch life in spore, i think the best concert shows i've ever seen for cny are the ones in dhs. it's CO's standard is national level, same applies to all the other musical grps, which clinched either gold or dolg with honours in syf. then comes the wushu, again, dhs has the national team member students...so...wow...that's call "jing cai"

nj's and bgss ones are so so...sigh...

the card making with 1.1 was nice, mr lim bought cake for the class to celebrate bday, how nice. haha...share a few photos...gona meet tiffany to go yuneng now...


money money money...'gold coins'...haha


cutting cake...yummy!


haha...yay...enjoying the food..:P


student making card...


shan yan and i...heehee...ms lim and ms wang :P

《Desperate housewives》第三季17集，结尾的时候，Mary Alice沉稳、深邃的口吻说道：“每个主妇的衣柜里，满满的都是关于着装的文章，记载着主人很多不为人知的细节：也许是一件T恤，她很不喜欢，却毫无怨言的穿上；也许是一件内衣，明明知道不是自己的，却拒绝提起；也许是一件她曾经非常喜欢的长裙，如今却再也不想看见……是的，女人决定穿什么，会让你知道很多，但是，如果她决定褪去什么，为谁褪去，你会更加了解她的……”

每个人都有自己不想面对的事情，有人选择逃避，有人选择隐藏……在很多时候，我们确实无法操控事物的走向，我们能把握的，往往——只有自己。

我常常想着以自己的方式去生活，不想改变，想让别人来适应我们的方式。但是，很多时候，我必须改变，为了那些我爱的人，或者……是爱我的人！

真相总是很让人向往，但不是每个人都做好准备接受真相，当然，也不是每个人都承受的起的。

做自己不喜欢的事情，如果能有一种力量支持下去，不是爱，又是什么呢？！很多事情是无法解释的……

有些很深刻的主题，其实可以用很浅显的话来说明，只是——我们总是要等到很迟了才发现……

Went to post office to send in my art porfolio to UCL, slade school of fine art. then went to dhs, collected the chinese qn, only to realise that i've got the wrong ones, took taxi from dhs to nj. met ian who left soon after, cos he promised his auntie to have dinner at home.

but the most important things is, i am totally, absolutely disillusioned with shen jiayi. who does he think he is? he's one who doesnt admit his mistakes and is as stubborn as a cow. in any case, he never will believe he's in the wrong. being pretentious and alert, careful in everything he says. all these, i used to see positively, now appears to be very very irritating and ugly. finally, when the infatuation is gone, the person becomes nothing, all i can see is his mistakes, his problems. his arrogance and ego. I cant stand it, i dun understand how i allowed him to be like this in front of me for 2 years, i regretted so much, i've wasted a whole good 1.5 years of time on this worthless person. now then i realise why he's never liked by anyone, why is he so unpopular among my friends and his peers, working partners, why is he so unsuccessful when it comes to interpersonal relations. he is too self centered, who does he think he's fooling around with? i can be blinded for a while but not forever. It will be a day when i finally will get clear of who he is, and i think the day came pretty fast. I find it hard to tolerate his behaviour. Probably the feeling is mutual but who the hell cares, it's real, this is the end, he really needs to reflect inwards for the reason why he simply pisses people off just so easily. it cant be any other person's problem except his!



so i was, walking alone, aimlessly on orchard road at night...dun feel like going home, just walked and walked, picked up mr lee's call, then talk to him mindlessly, then hang up, then continued walking, then sat down, ate dinner, continued walking again, dun feel like going home, was letting my mind going through all that had happened between the 1.5 years, btw jy and i, i've had had enough, guess he's feeling the same.

没有所谓的开始
也就无所谓结束

so then again, told him not to appear for the outing on 14th feb. he used to be the one i look forward to the most, now, he's the one whom i never want to see ever again.
yes, i am pissed with myself. for being so dumb.
so 14th feb 2008 will be a lonely night for me, but then again, it will be a refreshing new start for me again. someone is OUT. and i mean it.


And...by the way... I GOT CONDITIONAL OFFER FROM

LONDON SCHOOL OF ECONOMICS AND POLITICAL SCIENCE!

INTERNATIONAL RELATIONS!

conditions attached: AAB....

I's been a Long Weekend.

Saturday slept until 1pm, then started preparing for the wildwildwet trip with karen and peiwen. But it started raining before i even left my house. Half way on the bus, karen smsed and changed the meeting place to white sands mall instead, cos the weather doesnt look good. so instead, we went shopping. I bought 6 pairs of earrings...duno why but juz felt like buying, anyway, not expensive.





2 out of the 6....okay or not? hmmm...


Then when the rain seems to be stopping, we decided that it's time to go. so we arrived there, my first time in wildwildwet, actually, i'm not bad in swimming, but ever since i grew fat, i've stopped going swimming cos i dun like to see my fats bulging out...and..im a conservative person, haha, dun laugh, i dun like the feeling of exposing my body parts..like my back and everything. Thus, my swimming costume is considered the one witht he most cloth in w.w.wet, karen is the same...

eh....it's juz funny...we played and had fun, seeing karen in the pool is juz too funny...she juz let herself float away with the wave! and when we play the slide thingy with 3 age less than 10 yr kids, karen was the only one screaming, peiwen said "karen, you are too embarrassing for us!"...haha...and then...my bad direction sense came out again, so led them to the wrong place. But it's fun la, relaxing, and...love the feel of water, so smooth...feel like a fish in the pool...so free!



had dinner with karen and peiwen...heard that alevels is really gona come out on 15th! bloody hell!



Getting busy...



lightning speed...



when will you finally get clear???...sigh

anyway...when i was taking bus home, i set in front...and it was raining...suddenly...i wonder...how long more can i still enjoy such life? wit all my friends and close ones? very soon, everyone will become busy, in such a cosmopoliton city, you wont expect yourself to have the free time to enjoy yourself. what for? money, time, reputation, statues...what are all these for when eventually you'll realise that the most important thing in life is to live it to the fullest (meaning enjoy it with people whom you can share your happiness with). I duno, i want to keep in contact with all my friends as long as i can, i wont say forever because it's been too overly used, so much so that to me, it seems to have lost its meaning. it's impossible to achieve anyway, nothing lasts forever, so the 'forever' is a symbol of impossible, it's not sincere...sigh...life is blurring away...how can i find my right direction?

okay...back from newwater plant trip...sigh..tiring...since a picture says a million words, let me say a few million words here...enjoy...

So today is the "offcial ending day of the teaching internship programme"
haha...so here's my jan's timesheet...haha



Today is relatively a free day for me, only 1 teaching period. But the history lesson din go well the way i wanted it to. I prepared the works and ppt, but later my supervisor changed plan, so she took up the 2nd half of the period. SO i was made to deliver the ppt, and many tsudents said they cant hear me from the back, honestly, I tried my best to speak louder but, they still cant hear me! fine then, how am i suppose to cater to 60 ppl? for hist, i rather hide behind the scene and do up some essay qn or ppt for them, can increase my own knowledge too...

nah...jeffery came back with goat milk, not bad, tastes quite okay, heard that goat milks are very nutritious, soooo...hope i will become stronger and stronger after today..haha...

just overheard some conversations btw cuiying and another tcher, she was complaining abt not being able to mark finish the journals, then the tcher told her that she dun need to mark for english mistakes, juz tick and comment, even like this also wont finish very fast, cos commenting is tideous too...then the tcher said, now they give them topics cos if let them juz anyhow write, they'll confide with you relationships problems, like bf or gf, then you also cant juz comment "okay", "good", "great", "try harder nxt time", "too bad"....haha...so funny, to think that i used to think that my english has improved whenever i see my journal cos the tcher never pick out any grammar mistakes...-_-''' till the moment i get back my Composition....a sea of red disaster...