一切来的是那么的颓然，仿佛从三千英尺的高空坠落，是那么飘，那么空，那样的漫长，让我感到恐惧和可怕，如果可以选择，我真希望瞬间让我摔到地面，那样的疼或许没有这样的折磨……

我对他的爱，他或许永远都不会了解，我将用一辈子的时间来忘掉他……逝去的日子，一起被遗忘。

我已经不想在拿起笔来写东西了，每一个文字的浮现都是一幕幕的回忆，每一个文字的跳动都是过去的影子，但愿当笔停时，过去、回忆也随之而停，失去记忆……

This isn't the first time I'm feeling this way. I knew my love for him started as a tragedy, a hopeless, helpless pathetic tragedy. I knew I refused to face the truth, refused to come to my senses, I chose to remain blind, remain in my self-made fantasy. I stayed there for too long, so long that I'm afraid I can't differetiate which world is the real one anymore, I am drifting away from reality, bit by bit.

He too, chose to remain blind, just as what his MSN nick suggested, he wants to continue being blind. He has his reasons. I always wonder how could it be possible that I am just standing beside him but he could never see me, now the answer is simple, he chose to be blind. It is an interesting thing to know that people tend to turn a blind eye to things that they do not wish to know, to face or to deal with. He chose to run away from the reality, just as I did. We both are cowards.

He doesn't understand that love means not ever having to say you're sorry. He said too many sorrys to me, way too many. I am numb to these apologies, they meant nothing except sorrow, I'd rather remain numb than to experience the sorrow. I never really said sorry to him though I felt in debt of him in many ways, it's complicated. But he doesn't understand, what I missed the most, what I treasure the most, is the times when we were together as friends, when we could laugh, quarell and work together at ease, those simple days, I knew I made it complicated, but he added on to the complication. I remember reading from a book that says that one of life's genuine virtues, is a nostalgia for those simpler days when skirts were longer, hair was shorter...the context of it was different but the concept is nonetheless, very similar.
Life goes on as usual..with, or, without, him.

I signed my scholarship agreements yesterday, Mr Too was there being my surety. SOmeone once said that "nothing is more honourable than a grateful heart" I felt so yesterday, I am really grateful towards mr too, i never did know him well, even until yesterday, i still take him as my VP, I was rather nervous in his presence. He's a precise man, I am afraid of making mistakes, though he is always very forgiving regarding my stupid little errors and mistakes. Thank you Mr Too, can't thank you enough!

The same goes to Mr Low, he's one of the most important tcher in my life, we are much closer, like friends. I always wanted to have his compliments but I never really did receive it, not even for once. He likes to tease me, provoke me and joke with me, but he's really stingy whenever it comes to praising me, unlike the way he treats karen and others, haha, yes, I must admit that I am really jealous. In a way, it makes me all the more want to get his compliments. It never came in any direct form, but I knew he is as proud of me as he is proud of my other friends. May be we think differently, may be I'm always the one who wines the most, may be I'm the only one who is too ambitious, may be I'm the only one who takes things too seriously, may be...no matter what happens, mr low will always be at my side, ready to give the help and advices I need, and therefore, he is and will be, always on my side. Thank you mr low, thank you for ending my procrastination in art and being my greatest motivator ever.

I had lunch with my A01 class and two nj history tchers, Ms Lim transferred to RJ, not very surprising as I've heard from many seniors that nj faces a serious problem of talent outflow. Oh well, many good tchers moved to RJ and HCJC in the past 3 years..everyone else in the class is doing fine, I'm glad I was in A01, a happy and ambitious big family, here's the details of everyone...

1) HanQiang-- He's an officer now ( heard it is quite high rank, but i'm unfamiliar with the army stuff), he has gotten the Marine port authority scholarship ( sorry, i don't rmb the full name, more or less like this bah), gg to washington Uni
2) Jafnie--in army, no more hair, received MOE overseas scholarship to study German in Germany.
3) Desmond--coporal, in army, fitter, recerived foreign service sholarship to study in Stanford
4) Nicol--in army, clerk or something else which I heard is super slack and gets to miss BMT..he will try to apply for scholarship again nxt year.
5) Hanson--coporal, in army, gg into NUS FASS to study History
6) Bryan--statues unknown, heard he's applying for Law..nothing much, who cares
7) Hongyi--gg into NUS FASS, on moe local teaching scholarship
8) Carmen--gg into NTU, on moe local teaching sholarship if i'm not wrong
9) Weizheng and Nat--both gg NUS FASS
10) Lynn--gg to Kings College coming sept
11) Yao En--gg to uk
12)Huixian--gg to NTU to study linguistics or something like that
13) Karen--on moe overseas teaching scholarship, to study literature and Fine Art in Goldsmiths Uni london
14) Serene--gg NUS
Lastly, statues unknown: June, Chantell, WeiShan, Huiling, Fadiah, En Chun....
Bright future ahead guys! Jiayou!

Yesterday I did something rather meaningful, compared to sleeping at home the whole day. I painted a mural with Karen, for Eliase Park Primary School ( may be I spelt its name wrongly). As I suspected last time, it's really related to Grant again, that scary GVN president, haha, guess he really likes our batch. ANyway, with the pathetic amount of equipments and materials we were given, I think we managed to produce quite a decent piece of 'art' at the end of the day, pretty fast, considering that for the first half of the day, karen and I painted alone.

Primary school children are indeed 'kids', they run about the school like little monkeys, asking really really interesting questions every now and then, at first i tried my best to entertain them and give them my full attention but later, guess that my patience was really running thin especially the fact that i was painting on a ladder makes me feel too nervous to crack my head and think of stupid answers for the kids. Luckily i have karen with me, she's always at ease with the kids, very patient..haha. I remembered telling someone that facing my sec 1 and 2 students is as good as going into the zoo and face a group of monkeys. Now I have to take back my words, the primary school kids are far...haha...energetic than them. I always find it amazing as in how could they be so hyper all the time? They look as if they are on 'rechargeable batteries' and besides, they have back up batteries as well. I saw a sign somewhere in the school which wrote " Please do not run. Walk" (something like that, very simple), and I was laughing out, for the whole day, I didn't see any kid who actually 'walked' around in school, running is there usual motion, their either run or 'fly' past you, in whichever case, their speed is remarkable.Guess I'm really getting old...sighz.

Towards the end, I volunteered to paint the giraffe which is all the way at the top. I really regretted for not growing taller, so subsequently, we carried two ladders, one if it was really huge, according to the DM, it is their 'tallest' ladder. so then I started my adventure, don't laugh at me, wait till you try to climb on that legendary ladder you'll know why i called it an 'adventure'. It was shaking like nobody's business while I was climbing up. Everyone was exceptionally sympathetic towards me except Grant who seem to love to see me suffer...-_-'' He offered to help me hold the ladder and commented that "your mini skirt isnt a very goof dressing code for ladder climbing activities"...-_-''' yeah i know but how on earth would I know that I will be soing such dangerous work beforehand? And Karen is afraid of height, no one else has the artistic talent to draw a giraff..so i had to do it...but grace whispered to me that..."Grant's offer to help me hold the ladder might well be an attempt to shake me off the ladder ( end of with a wink)" -_-'' gosh...what a scare..

Joyce smsed the meeting place for dinner with Mr Low. I don't feel like going, really. Not so much about me being angry, to be honest, I could never be angry with mr low for longer than 5 hrs...sighz, but i just don't feel like seeing him, cos i dun want to engage in another discussion or argument regarding my choices and all those things, i don't feel like talking about those anymore, my mind is more or less quite settled..

Sat is the official signing of the agreement and UCL havent sent me anything other than their accommodation booklet and unconditional offer. As for LSE, to my horror, they sent me their official acceptance letter. I thought that as long as i don't send them my english result, they will just reject me when the deadline comes, never did i expect them to send me their official offer letter this early, all the information on applying visa and everything makes me feel a million times more sorry that before, ark, should i just write a letter and tell them? arhhh...

I want to watch "Black Stone"...it sounds nice...Historical movie once again...

Lotteries.
Watch out for lottery scams. If you receive an email from a
lottery you did not enter, it is a scam.
In most cases the email accounts in
the email are free email accounts and the phone number is a mobile phone.
NEVER send any money to the criminals behind these scams. If you do, they
will just invent a new fee you have to pay, and if you pay that, they invent a
new fee, etc etc until you give up or run out of money.

Recently I have received quite a few of "lottery scam" emails, one's about microsoft lucky draw and the other is PEUGEOT AUTOMOBILE LOTTERY. I never believed in such things, I rmb that when I was very very young, I have already formed my own opinion on people who buy toto or 4D or things like these. I never believed in lucky draws, I always think that one has to depend on himself. We make a promising and good future out of our own hands, how can we always hope for things brought by luck? if luck struck you by coincidence, then may be it is okay, but if we buy lottery, 4D and things as such, we are really counting on our luck. I don't find any meaning in such a life, we only deserve what we have worked for and what these harwork yielded, any unexpected, extra stuff that we received out of luck is a kind of bonus which we should never hope for and be greedy about, even if one day, we happen to have the luck, we should use them wisely. If I ever win some money out of sheer luck (highly impossible, 1. I never will buy 4D or toto or even the soccer thingy lah, 2. I seldom have lucky falling on me...how sad), I will prefer to donate the rewards to people who need them much more than me, and probably, who lived through a life without being lucky, not even for once...

anyway.. MOE requires us to do a performance during the award presentation ceremony, but the instructions given are a little vague, I am unsure if the performance has to be performed by all scholars together or we are being split into groups. But I have to come out with 3 initial ideas on the performance. Every scholar has to produce 3 ideas, I am quite at a lost of what to do. Besides, the words of appreciation is due soon, the word limit is so...ark...I find that there's no way for me to be able to thank all those whom I want to thank and still keep within the word limit...arkk...dilemma...

For the first time, what Mr Low had confronted me with bothered me so much, because all other times, no matter how disagreeing he may be, I could always feel that he is still behind me, giving me all his support, but not this time, though he repeated that "we are his joy and pride" and he will always be behind me.

I felt that my conscience is clear, i do not need to explain to others about how and why I choose my Universities. He does not agree with my way of choosing schools, i do not know if he meant that he does not like my way of choosing schools according to their world rankings or he does not like the fact that i prefer US universities and schools with double degrees.

I know many people think that I am very ambitious and practical and even, superficial, I do admit that I am ambitious, and I don't think there's anything wrong with it because we need to have dreams, and we need to aim high in order to achieve wonders. I rmb someone once said "Aim for th the moon, even if you fail, you will land among the stars", so it is perfectly okay to be ambitious as long as one does not make use of unscrupulous methods to perfect their ambition.

He thinks that I should not take things for granted or depend on a school or a system too much. If I need a system or a school to be the motivation behind, it is meaningless as i have to have my own reasons and inspirations to push myself forward. But he does not understand that my way of choosing a sch is a result of my own believes, not very much about me feeling insecured. Yes, I want to do both political studies and fine art, not that I envy the idea of a double degree that much, I really do love both. Since last sept, when I have to choose uk uni and courses, I have been asking myself the same qn over and over again, do i want political studies more or do I want art more, I couldn't find an answer until recently, I finally came to terms with myself, I love both equally. Giving up either UCL or LSE is as if giving up one of my lifelong interest and childhood dream. It is a true reflection of my interests, just like in jc, I did 2 H3s one in art and the other in geopolitics. I never seriously considered about my academic interests until this year, when I have to choose between art and political studies due to the British system which rarely allows double degree or double major albeit its so called 'flexible curriculum palnning'. But other ppl simply take it as i want to do a back up degree in case art does not work out, actually, i never really felt like explaining because i really don't care about how other ppl feel about my choices as long as my own conscience is clear, but now, it's hard to keep everything in my heart because now it is mr low, someone whom i respect so much, so much, i respect him more than anyone else, more than my own father, really, it's hurting, though I know he said all those for my own good, it's just the fact that even he does not understand me, makes me feel really lousier than usual.

Besides all these, I have to live up to my parent's expectations, i do have my own difficulties, I can't say I like art and there i go and choose an unknown art school and settle my University life. No matter how much i say about I can't be bothered about what my parents' think, i still have to know the limits. Afterall, they are already unhappy about the art course, besides, all their colleagues' children are either in Beijing Uni, or Qingshua Uni, there are ppl in Harvard even, I cant possibly ignore all these, i have to find a delicate balance between meeting my parents' expectations and allowing myself to do what I really like.

And I agree that a good school does not necessarily mean that everyone who goes inside there will emerge as genious, one has to depend on himself in order to succeed; but I do believe that there's a reason why people keeps the ranking and a good school will certainly enhance my learning and help me in various ways, just like how DHS and NJC helped me in the past. I am not totally depending on the name of the school however, I do feel more secured being inside a better one. I really believe in my own choice. So Mr Low, I rest my case now.

My life has never been so boring before, last time, it is only boring, now it has become extremely boring.

Things that happened in these few days:

Shopping on Sat, bought a 毛衣 like top which cannot be described as 毛衣 but I can't think of any other things to call it. It also cannot be called as a top as it is very long, can reach all the way to my knees...a little bit above my knees or may be im just too short? anyway, yeah, something which costs quite a lot but I can't even make out what exactly it is, anyway, thanks to Singapore great sales.

Bought a new hp, thanks for my old one, its untimely death has just caused another of its comrades to suffer under the ruthless hands of wangmo. I never rmb myself being gentle to my phone for more than twice, and the very recent time when I was gentle to it was the night before it died (cause of death unknown, mo is unwilling to spent a 100 bucks on autopsy), what a good way to repay my kindness. I suspect that the cause of death is: it died of shock, may be it is too bewildered at my sudden gentleness..wadever. And I still rmb after my phone died, I used another phone for a while, same model different colour, and when I went for lunch with jy, somehow, it juz dropped out of my bag (okay, i admit that i swung the bag), it fell quite a distance away, and jy said "no wonder your phone died"...-_-'' please lah...how can they themselves be so fragile?


Anyway, the new phone, nokia 6500 is not pretty, and it is too modern for mo to understand its operations and capabilities, I am a cavewoman, yeah, too intricately complex. why do they have to make all the phones so complicated? And when i was happily choosing the phone, my mum juz simply told the person "give us the model that could withstand whatever violent actions a 20 year old girl could act upon it" what the hell, i bet the person is appalled by her words, how can a normal human being who has lived on this earth for 46 years and 7 months be able to talk in such a weird way? is she an alien? do i look like i have 暴力倾向？ although none of my phones survived for more than 20 months, is that my fault? they are not well built okay!

Went shopping with my mum ysd, and wow, she made me buy, or rather, she bought me a winter suit top on her own will, i also duno how to describe it because i just don't seem to fit into it, it looks so grown up and business woman like. sighz...there goes my little delicate green flower dress...shit lah, listen to me, never go shopping with mums. they spoil our moods.

went for MOE psychological test on Mon, I was unsure about whether I should even go there in the first place because the promised 'follow-up email' which is supposed to inform me on the necessary details never came. SO i actually only has the info from the phone call, which are: 16/6/08 go for the test at 9am, near bouna vista. Oh my god lah, and anyway, being a responsible girl as always, i decided that i'd rather let the moe people 放我鸽子than to let myself 放他们的鸽子, so I arrived at MOE building promptly at 830am, looked for Nancy only to be told that SHE IS ON LEAVE!!! WAHHH!!! so there were 3 moe staff running crazily helping me find out if i am really sheduled on today, they are kinda nice, but all of them expressed deep concern on why i didn't know that it is at civil service college and not moe building, i had to repeatedly remind them that i did not get the email with details!!!

later...they asked me to go to CSC, where i waited for nearly 20min, the person came out to say that one stu decided not to come for today's test and moe just informed her, judging from her tone, she's as pissed with moe as me, and when i told her what happened to me, she readily "apologised to me on moe's behalf" i am amused, she was quick in telling me that moe did all the arranging, it has nothing to do with them when i didn't even bother to ask about all those things, i just want to get to do my test and get it done and over with. Then she told me that i have to ans 2 booklets and afterwhich there will be an interview -_-''' i never expected such things. anyway, a total of 158+58 questions were answered, do the math for me, i duno. I'm so sure that i got the math qns ( which have correct ans) wrong lah, who cares, the rest of the qn have no right or wrong ans, just like our personality test, i was being as true as possible, and i guess because of that, they are gonna have a hard time analysing my personality because i am a naturally contradicting person, i love being alone but i love to talk to friends, I love to do work alone cos i think is it more efficient but i dun mind working with others, i am very practical yet i love to daydream and imagine stuff, I hate people who break the rules and disregard the law but I do not like following rules and regulations all the time either...shit...sighz...

the interview was rather amazing, i was waiting for them in the interview room, i got too bored so i played car racing game in my hp, just when i was abt to win, they came in, spoilt my mood and i bet they saw me playing it. -_-'' and they are so formal, and making notes all the time, i told them lots of my secrets, like yelling at my teacher and stuff, hahaha, i dun want to be fake for this, wadever, hope moe wont change its mind after this. haha.

so...there goes my 3 days, absolutely not fruitful at all...

I went for Greenlink Camp on Thurs Night and slept over in nj. Before that, I had lunch with jy, my treat, I always feel that I owe him something and I had to constantly buy him little presents or give him treats, I don't know, okay, call me cheap, I just can't find a reason why I fancy him so much.

While I was waiting for jy at Cityhall MRT station, one student from BGSS recognised me, and I remember him! sec4/5! The boy who always call me 'cute'..the boy with friends. It's strange to see students in their home clothes because they totally look like young men and young ladies! They don't look like students at all! But, such surprising coincidences of meeting your past student gives me a very special feeling. Haha. Now I'm really looking forward to the future...the future of becoming a teacher.

When I saw jiayi, I practically just pulled him away from the crowd and rushed for suntec, I think he is amused, but I am really a little embarrassed to be seen being together with him, in a...very childish casual wear...especially to be seen by my students. Because, THEY KNOW WHO HE IS, yeah, and besides, I was wearing this really childish top with a piggy on it..ark..I bet I look like a 14 yr old in that...sighz..

And..back to the 'lunch with jiayi' thing, I LIKE HIM, I STILL DO. But, other than this, I don't know what to say, our laughters reduced, talks shortened, awkward moments increased. It's kind of hard to explain because it didn't seem to be such a bad thing either, because I sense that there's some sort of tacit understanding between us, or may be, an unspoken consensus, we never touched on any sensitive issues. However, I have this feeling that, we understand each other's body language, like, there are some jokes which only the 2 of us can understand and sometimes we didnt even need to say it but we both understood it...arkk..it's kind of difficult to express the feeling, but I am quite sure that all of these originated from our friendship, not any other thing. But, I was just secretly hoping, hoping that one day, he will see me, one day, he will finally come to realise that I have always been there. It's just so frustrating that I'm standing right beside him yet he can't see me, because, his eyes are for another one...

By the time I reached NJ, the Greenlink Juniors all went for amazing race and I gave up on chasing after them on my own 'amazing race'. I met Mr Loh and he gave me quite a detailed overview on the teaching profession and provided me so many tips on how to be a good teacher. Haha, thanks Mr Loh, don't worry, I will survive those ugly office politics. He told me to select a good school, which I'm sure I will because I've always wanted to go back to DHS and teach there, by then, mr low won't be there anymore, so all the more I will feel comfortable working there. Haha.

Greenlink Exco interview was in a way, disappointing. It seems that every year, their performance will drop in terms or performance. I don't know what to say because it is not only happening in Greenlink but PS as well. For PS, I see a gradual decline since the year before Junzhan's year, constant internal conflicts has further plagued the already weaken club. If we cannot attract enough capable and committed members in future, I think the future for both CCAs is bleak. For both Greenlink and PS, we used to have really brilliant seniors who are experts in these special fields, they've won competitions outside, collaborated with outside organisations, however, they lacked the sense of group work and working together, so many of the projects they do are either individual ones or...failed group projects. However, when it comes to our batch for PS, we shifted from the skill-centered club to admin-centered club, meaning we focus on making policies, organising events as a group, lesser personal prestige and individual events, partly due to our batch's inadequacy in terms of photography skills, except the 2 old excos jiayi and li ang, the rest of us were totally new to photography, we only managed to pick up the skills along the way. And, so when the old problem was gone, new problems flooded in, we had different ideals and goals for the club and we had really ambitious people, on top of all, we had 'conflicts carried forward' from the senior batch due to jy and LA..so in many instances, all these factors contributed in furthur complicating our situation and operation within the exco, therefore, many of a time our exco discussions became very perplexing..conflicts arised quietly..but though it is the same situation in Greenlink when we first took over, we were never "green experts" like our seniors and we had so little man power, we managed to survive, pretty well. Never did we have any problems, quarellings, complaints or anything related to that sort. We had a very capable president and vice president who are really rational people and they are good friends, so no power struggle or whatsoever, the different committee heads are busy, yes, many of us were having more than 1 cca at that time and quite a few of us are in 2 ccas' excos, but the entire Greenlink exco was really very forgiving, we helped each other whenever we are free, no one blames anyone for anything, it's really like one big family. When I was busy with photog stuff last yr, I felt so guilty for not helping out during the Recylcing Outreach Programme, but everyone else was so nice, and because of such an environment, it made me feel all the more that I want to help out...

Ark...it was just an emotional night, with mr loh, the juniors, the old njc and the new people. The old NJC building, the plants and the grassy smell, the ants, the butterflies and everything else, reminded me of my good old days in this college, of course, not all the time are good times, there were crying days, breakdown days, stressful days and so on, but all these are part and puzzle of a jc life. During the night, I took a night tour around nj on my own, almost instantly, all the past memories flooded in, I was overwhelmed, I just can't control my tears. So there's the bookshop where I used to stop by and look at the lit books and complained about how much I wasted on these books which I didn't finish reading any one of them; and if you continue to walk down, these are the TA block classrooms where I used to have my GP and H1 Math lessons, Lessons are always boring, I tried my best to pon as many as possible, I still rmb the times when I attended my GP lesson with my pencils and sketch book and sketched jiayi's face throughout the lesson...and then you continue walking straight, u'll reach the 1st floor girl's toilet where u'll see the super fierce toilet anuty who used to scare me so much that I'd rather pee in my pants than to go into 'her' toilet, she decorated it almost to the extent as if it is her home...poor toilet aunty..then you turn to the left, walk down the slope, turn to the right, u'll see the first floor art studio, where I spent days and nights doing my image transfer and revision, just that, my space is no longer my space now...

then we proceed to 2nd floor, turn to the left, the first room u'll see is the darkroom, the room i love so much, the room where i had my very first sight of jy, we met in that room, worked together in that room, became friends in that room, and I developed special feelings for him in that room as well...it's a place which is filled with memories...just too many things happened in there...well, beside it, it is the AR21 where I used to have my Art hist lessons, sova, with ms lu. I have mixed feelings for this room, it is too high tech and cold for me to call it an art room, we have the apple mac there, we have the projector and everything, perhaps, the only thing that made me feel very uncomfortable abt this place is because LPG used to be here very often, and he alone represented much of my miseries in njc because he was the one who created them. Sighz, but the happy memories are there as well, the seniors handed over to us in that room (PS) and we handed over to the juniors in that room as well, i threw darts at jy's picture in that room, i completed uploaded and worked on jy's photos in that room as well...

And then we go up the the 3rd floor, there stood the gallery and our painting room. the painting room was where we had many art hist lessons as well, and...not a very impt room for me, i have very little memories of it. As for the gallery, yes, the tideous part about printing the images onto the metal table, the arranging of things, the carrying up of the metal table by jy and ps juniors, the grad night exhibition, the place where jy saw my...yeah, then the art office, where LPG chased me out and yelled at me and i yelled back...wow...this floor is ...full of sad and angery memories, at the staircase...the staircase linking to the 2nd floor nearer to AR21, I confessed to jy, it is also the place where i spent 30min crying aft the confession, was just suddenly overwhelmed by sadness..ark..there's so much tender emotions intricately woven into the unwanted yet unforgettable past...I am so exhausted, even just the recalling back of these feelings, emotions and memories, made me feel so drained, yet, i felt blissful to be able to have memories, i am blessed to be able to remember all these, even if that means I might never be able to get over certain pains brought together by these past...ark...im not making sense again...

life.....

我还是觉得世界没错
你没错
他也没错
错过的只有曾经的缘分
不是你配不上他
只是缘分不佳
彼此在生命中是过客
for there,for a reasonor for a season,but not for a
lifetime.
不过本人还是觉得他错过了你。
-i dont believe in lifetimes..
大家在生命中都只是过客
仅此而已
没有所谓的永远
没有所谓的山盟海誓。
那些我都不信。
一见钟情？可能有吧

在一个学妹的blog中看到了这样一段文字，有点惊讶，有点心酸，又有点甜蜜。惊讶是因为没想到小小年纪的学妹竟将爱情看的如此透彻；心酸是感慨我们彼此虽都以为自己已经看开，但却没能做到放开。一直以来，说比做来的容易得太多了；而至于甜蜜，是为在这个世界上还有人懂得我，关心我的感受而觉得窝心。

一直以来，我对他的情感都是很多重化的，在他的面前，我曾掩饰过，直到告白之时，我都没能让他清楚明白地了解我对他的情感是有多么地深刻，多么的刻骨铭心。面对他，我常以取笑他来化解心中的尴尬；常用一些无厘头的话语或举动来伪装自己对他的过分关心及在他面前的不知所措，所以我相信，他可能一直觉得我对他并不是认真的。可在朋友面前，我从未掩饰过自己对他的痴心，他的名字总会时不时地出现在我们的话语言间。。直到朋友们一个个听到烦不胜烦时，我才会收敛一下。只是，当我面对自己的时候，不知怎地，只要一想起他，就会感到莫名的悲伤。面对自己，我总会将一切浮华退去，赤裸裸地审视自己。我明白，在他面前的掩饰，是出于无可奈何的自尊，不想让他一眼看出我卑微的情感；在朋友面前的公开，是出于随之而来的自豪，想让朋友们了解，我是爱上了一个多么了不起的男生，虽然，那也许只是我的个人感觉；而站在自己面前的我，就只剩下了黯然神伤，因为没有人比我更清楚这段情感的结局，所以，我悲伤的不能自已。。。

很多人不明白我喜欢他哪一点，其实我也不明白，但那不重要，不是吗？喜欢一个人，是不需要理由的。我不是一个相信一见钟情的人，我的情感需要慢慢的培养。而对于他，我不清楚是什么时候开始的，但从不认识到认识，从识面不识名，到后来成为工作伙伴，再到后来成为朋友，甚至好朋友（这一点我不清楚自己是否在他的“好朋友列表”上）然后产生特别的情感；这个过程至少用了五个月之久。。因为，我很看重男生的内在美。。。

也许，我很傻，但我是自愿的，只是令我遗憾的是，他也许永远都不会明白我对他用情如此之深。。也许，在我的内心深处，在期盼着有一天，当他感到了人生之沧桑后，感到疲惫时，转过头来，能看到我就站在他身后。因为，到目前为止，我就站在他身旁，他却看不到我。。。

当爱情失去记忆的时候你会感觉到天空不再是那么的蓝大海不再是那么的绿

当爱情失去记忆的时候你会感觉到而今的空气不再向以往那么的清新

眼前的事物不再是那么的真

人生不再是我们想象中的那么美丽

当爱情失去记忆的时候我们的世界将不再拥有美好只有无穷无尽的悲哀和痛苦还有永远都不可能实现的回忆 当爱

情失去记忆人的一生将只有痛苦……

My shots today...

Celebration

Blue Heaven

Solitude

I went for Photoshoot today, sometimes I really wonder if happiness is really that easy to achieve. I felt happy today, don't roll your eyes, it is a universally known fact that mo hardly feels happy anyday. Mo was an unhappy kid, she was an unhappy student, she was an unhappy junior, she was an unhappy exco, she was an unhappy senior and she was an unhappy teacher, but today, for once, she is a happy photographer.

Oh well, here's the thing with photography, it makes people feel good. It has this strange magic, for every step we take, we are afraid of losses. And now, with my photographs, they serve as a testimony of my actions, my thoughts, of every step that I took. I felt as if I was writing down a history of my own today, marking down or recording my life using my camera.

So I went to the City centre, Stood beside the Merlion and watched the cargo ships and the containers. My mind was blank, I am feeling a little emo these days. Is it because that I know I will be leaving? May be the impulsion to go for a photoshoot was due to my longing for this city, my attachment for this place has made me feel a strong urge to take some of it with me.

I met karen, we sat down, we talked. Like always, like the old time, we had so much fun...Karen is just different, we could be different in terms of personalities but, we just seem to have so much to tell each other, so much to share, and today, after being close friends for four years and a possible 4 more years in close proximity...our friendship will by no means grow, because, by then, we will have so much memories together...I somehow just feel that she is one of the most important person in my life, so it is indeed that friends are the family we chose for ourselves.

Bought Birthday present for Mr Loh...a Parker pen..hope he likes it.

Had a very..thought provoking chat with one of my photog senior tonight...he makes me think through once more, on all the recent big decisions i've made...

zeminith says (PM 11:34):how do you feel about moving to london to study?

mo: says (PM 11:35):CONFUSED

mo: says (PM 11:35):haha

mo: says (PM 11:35):excited

mo: says (PM 11:35):emo

mo: says (PM 11:35):mixed feelings

zeminith says (PM 11:37):hmm

zeminith says (PM 11:37):how so?

zeminith says (PM 11:37):and compared to coming to singapore?

mo: says (PM 11:38):haha very diff, when i came to spore, i was too young to understand anything

mo: says (PM 11:38):it wasnt even my decision to come here

mo: says (PM 11:38):whereas now, it is my own decision to go to london

mo: says (PM 11:39):and also i am fully aware of what will be lost and what i will gain through this experience

mo: says (PM 11:39):but we humans always feel hard to leave our own comfort zone

mo: says (PM 11:39):don't we?

zeminith says (PM 11:40):hmm

zeminith says (PM 11:40):maybe

zeminith says (PM 11:41):some people are special

mo: says (PM 11:41):why and who?

mo: says (PM 11:41):haha

zeminith says (PM 11:42):you know about circular motion? you tie a ball to a string than you start spinning it in circles.

zeminith says (PM 11:42):when the string snaps, the ball will shoot out

zeminith says (PM 11:43):ay,sometimes feel that been walking in circles for a long time already mo: says (PM 11:43):sighz but it is life don't you see that?

zeminith says (PM 11:43):guess so

zeminith says (PM 11:47):what's your plans for the future?

zeminith says (PM 11:47):why london, and after that?

mo: says (PM 11:48):London, to be practical and realistic, I believe that it is safer and also, I prefer UK to US because I don't really like a too "freestyle" world

mo: says (PM 11:49):I need some restrictions, not that I like to be caged up but, you know, some traditional rules are not that bad

mo: says (PM 11:49):keep my mind in peace

mo: says (PM 11:49):as for why London, I came from china's capital, naturally i love capitals..haha..especially the ones with rich history

mo: says (PM 11:49):and it's near paris

mo: says (PM 11:50):On top of all these, it has good universities inside it

mo: says (PM 11:50):haha reasons good enough?

zeminith says (PM 11:50):aye

mo: says (PM 11:52):?

zeminith says (PM11:54):interesting

zeminith says (PM 11:54):london capital, a place with lots of history

.....................................................................................................................................................................................................................................................

and so we continued..

life..isn't always...( )

life...is always uncertain

I am looking forward to a day..........( )

A day which I don't know when..........

梦想，使我们每个人心中的一片花园，每当烦恼侵袭时，我们都会想要逃到梦中的天堂里。。。只是，梦想是会破灭的，它终究是一种虚幻的形体，我们越依赖它，就越容易在海市蜃楼中遗失了自我。。。 梦想唯一能帮助我们的，是给予我们对明天，对未来的信心，但只有当我们脚踏实地地去努力，我们才会有真实的收获，才能把梦想变为真实，如若我们只一心地在梦中徘徊。。结局也唯有如水中望月。。生活在虚幻之中了。

对于生活，我也早已认清了事实，人活在这世上，总少不了些痛苦和挫折，而人之所以痛苦，在于追求错误的东西。我不知道现在自己是否正在追求对的东西，对于学业，事业以及感情我都无法衡量自己在追求当中的对于错。。学业上我可以说是成功的，至少以我一路来的成绩来说，“成功”两个字实在是无可厚非。。但是，仅一个成绩就可以了吗? 事业，我还没有事业，只有事业的前景，留学回来后签约的六年将是我事业的起步，那时，无论是出书，画展还是教书。。。成败与否我将拭目以待。至于感情，我无法丈量。。我爱他，他不爱我，听起来像是失败的，但是，我对于自己的付出是非常自豪的，我没有想到自己会是如此的长情，如此的专一，我不在乎结果，只在乎过程，虽然在过程中我痛苦过，但我有学到东西，也有享受过，所以。。我不知道在这段单恋的情感上，我是成功了，还是失败了。。。不过我坚信：痛过，才知道如何保护自己；哭过，才知道心痛是什么感觉，傻过，才知道适时的坚持与放弃，爱过，才知道自己其实很脆弱。其实，生活并不需要这么些无谓的执著，没有什么就真的不能割舍。所以，在伤心后的某一天，我决定告诉自己：收拾起心情，继续走吧，错过花，我将收获雨；错过嘉易，我才能遇到我真正的他。继续走吧，我终将收获自己的美丽。

太好了，终于缕清了自己的思绪，终于发现，一直以来，世界没错，是我错了。



正所谓：

菩提本无树，明镜亦非台，本来无一物，何处惹尘埃

最近很累，真的很累，许多人和事都令我再次感到了命运的难以预测。。。

我终于拿到了奖学金，虽然不是自己很中意的，但也总比没有强。虽然就算没有奖学金，父母也有能力承担，但是，我总觉得如果能用自己的能力来争取自己的未来，那才算是长大了。我相信人的未来，是由自己创造的。虽然是教育奖学金但是不代表我会一辈子庸庸无碌。。只要自己肯努力，梦想就会成真！最近在考虑未来的事，想象做老师也不错，能有闲下来的时间，我想显出一本散文集，把这几年在新加坡报章上我发表的文章组在一起。。然后再写一本中型小说。。有关自己在新加坡读书的心旅。。。再在大四毕业后在北京办个个人画展。。

关于嘉易，我们从未开始过，所以也就无所谓结束。我们既然是从朋友开始，那么就应该各归各位，在朋友的这个位子上结束。也许，永远都不会结束，因为我是真的放不开，就算不再有非分之想，也会不由自主地关心着他。下个星期约他出来吃饭，希望能一切雨过天晴，把他永远当作一个需要呵护的弟弟来疼爱。。

我希望你牵着你的手
带我走过风风雨雨
跌宕淋漓
不要畏惧

我的心需要你的温暖
不要对我哭泣
男孩的肩膀宽大硬实
即便你也伤心
也不要让我看到你的委屈

我愿做你的小女人
依偎在你身旁
靠在你肩膀
引领我前进

不要丢弃我
不要怀疑我对你的信赖
就像走在桥的栏杆边缘
你牵着我的手向前
我毫无畏惧

Busy with scholarship things. My life has never been so busy....before.

暗恋一个人的人 就是把他的一言一行，一举一动全部收录在心中，希望能找到蛛丝马迹的人
暗恋一个人的人 就是连最不喜欢上的马哲课也要上的人，仅仅是为了望一下他的背影的人
暗恋一个人的人 就是紧紧望着他的背影，而她一回头，就慌忙扭头的人
暗恋一个人的人 就是当别人提起他，装着没关系，心里却巴不得别人赶紧说完的人
暗恋一个人的人 就是他跟你说话，你却不敢看他的眼睛的人
暗恋一个人的人 就是当他回眸一笑，你就心跳加速的人
暗恋一个人的人 就是当他没来上课时，心里想着一千种一万种坏情况的人
暗恋一个人的人 就是梦里总是有他身影的人
暗恋一个人的人 就是一千遍一万遍问自己他到底有那一点好的人
暗恋一个人的人 就是最不喜欢热闹却又参加班里集体活动，但是又远远避开他的人
暗恋一个人的人 就是在最得意是希望他能看到，而最失意时不希望他看到的人
暗恋一个人的人 就是在放假期间，拿起电话准备拨他的号码，却又未拨的人
暗恋一个人的人 就是当别人说你喜欢他，而你就强烈反对的人
暗恋一个人的人 就是天天的想着，有一天会对你说他爱你的人
暗恋一个人的人 就是在元旦已经写好贺卡给他却未寄出去的人
暗恋一个人的人 就是看见她跟别的女孩走在一块儿，面上装着若无其事心里却恨死那女孩的人
暗恋一个人的人 就是每天想着晚上梦着会跟他白头到老的人
暗恋一个人的人 就是在上自习时为他写《暗恋一个人》的人