Okay...Photog camp started on friday, after weeks of planning and all those quarellings and everything...finally the day has came...i spent sooooo much time doing the darkrm booklet laz!
sighz...anyway...this camp is really damn..'exciting'! okay, when it first started jiayi and i went to carry the food. and that bloody fatty made me carry the food all the way back to njc, we walked on 2 legs! walao! but...aiya...cant really blame him laz...cos he's the one taking most of the food...well...the captain's ball...i didnt join in though i used to be damn good at it...i felt it's childish but the members enjoyed it, most of them were damn high...ha ha...and the dinner was ok...the night game...the card thingy made me ran like crazy and jiayi successfully tapped on me and i have to surrender my card...he's a fat cunning little boy!
and the worst time was during the exco guys entertainment session when they were made to play the "truth or dare" thingy...then jiayi...that stupid yongkuan went to ask if jiayi is ever interested in wangmo or not...or...something like if jiayi likes wang mo, i almost fainted the moment i heard that la, and then after that...the rest of them esp ben never missed a chance to tease me laz...and poke fun at me about jiayi! i think by now he really muz have known already lor. anyway, he said that no one in ps seems attractive to him, and no one has to the potential to attract him. well...duno...but i guess...my kind of feeling for him is really less of that "girl guy thingy"...it's more like a "sis to younger bro" thingy...guess...maybe i have to review my true feelings for him again, and examine if it is real love...
well...and that ben! he's really good at snapping nice shots of people who are not very alert like ian and i. sighz....and this shot, is damn misleading, si jie said that may be i dun really like jiayi, may be the one i have feeling for is ian, and jiayi's case is just like, i perceived jiayi as the very guy that i like and ever since then, subsequently, i will juz shut up on other choices and juz like jiayi cos i thought i like jiayi so i shld like him...but actually from my actions and movements or whatever rubbish, it can be seen that ian and i have this natural ...erm...forgot what exactly she said but something like that la. well, i must admit that i tend to have a much better impression of ian now, but i dun think i have any special feelings for him yet and certainly he dun have any feelings towards me either, we are just really good friends...hope life juz dun complicate things even further
and si jie did the card thingy for me and the result was freaking scary, the first one i tried on jiayi and then the result was that he dun have any gal in his heart now, but im still not his tip few priotities cos he puts other things as priorities and then when i tried on my ex-boyfriend..whom i still felt a bit of regret for initiating the break...cos i fell in love with another stupid guy...that result was freaking scary...cos...it showed that im right there on the top of his priority list...and yeah...nothings else btw us...sighz...i duno wad to say and she tried on ian and i...but that one was for fun laz, cos really nothing btw him and i mahz...but the result seemed rather positive too...more positive than jiayi's one...ha ha...actually i dun believe in such things de...but it's juz fun and funny...ha ha...wad a camp!
Sunday, April 29, 2007
Friday, April 20, 2007
today, it's the day
A Fresh New Start.
Get over him!
He does not deserve my love, my care and concern.
He does not desreve it....
he's not worth it...
wake up wang mo!
Get over him!
He does not deserve my love, my care and concern.
He does not desreve it....
he's not worth it...
wake up wang mo!
Thursday, April 19, 2007
Elections Day...ha ha...a pon day for me
well, today is elections day for my school, no lessons for the whole day, and i cant believe i actually went for the debate session. ok, so i attended about an hr long of debate session and then ponned the rest of the things for today.
It was rather enjoyable, cos basically the whole day i was with him. we watched the art tchers do silkscreen exposing in darkrm, and then had exco meeting together, then waited for the art tchers to finish....waited in AR21, and...joked about...talked...and then got bored...listened to music...then...looked at each other and nothing to say, suddenly i felt a bit sad because i was thinking, when had we became like this? nothing to say to each other??
but anyway...after that...we were like...juz constantly seeing each other either in the darkrm or in the school. and i bought a small bouquet of flower for him and made a card, to wish him gd luck for his coming SYF on friday, the card looks really nice, i duno why am i still doing this...well...anyway...he kind of freaked me out when he juz appear in front of me at my space at artrm this morning, while i was still drawing his card! and then...later...at ard like 7+pm, he kind of scared me again when he...again...quietly...without a sound...appeared in the artrm again. that was really scary because i was the only one left in the darkrm, and then i was outside washing the silkscreens and when i opened the door, he was coming out...i really got super scared...hmmm...i wonder how come a guy with his size can walk without a sound...hmmm
well...hope he likes the flower and the card, i duno why i am doing all these, but i juz feel like doing it for him...i dun expect anything in return but juz feel like wanting to see him smile...yeah....silly girl right???
It was rather enjoyable, cos basically the whole day i was with him. we watched the art tchers do silkscreen exposing in darkrm, and then had exco meeting together, then waited for the art tchers to finish....waited in AR21, and...joked about...talked...and then got bored...listened to music...then...looked at each other and nothing to say, suddenly i felt a bit sad because i was thinking, when had we became like this? nothing to say to each other??
but anyway...after that...we were like...juz constantly seeing each other either in the darkrm or in the school. and i bought a small bouquet of flower for him and made a card, to wish him gd luck for his coming SYF on friday, the card looks really nice, i duno why am i still doing this...well...anyway...he kind of freaked me out when he juz appear in front of me at my space at artrm this morning, while i was still drawing his card! and then...later...at ard like 7+pm, he kind of scared me again when he...again...quietly...without a sound...appeared in the artrm again. that was really scary because i was the only one left in the darkrm, and then i was outside washing the silkscreens and when i opened the door, he was coming out...i really got super scared...hmmm...i wonder how come a guy with his size can walk without a sound...hmmm
well...hope he likes the flower and the card, i duno why i am doing all these, but i juz feel like doing it for him...i dun expect anything in return but juz feel like wanting to see him smile...yeah....silly girl right???
Wednesday, April 18, 2007
Im hurt...
PS has always been a source of happiness and bitterness for me for this past 8 months. But recently, i thought it's getting better until the reality proved me wrong. Si jie told me abt the changes made to the camp, in which darkrm session has to be compromised bcos of the college pub thing. I cried, not because of anger, i am quite sure it's not bcos of anger, it's because i felt neglected, hurt, frustrated, undermined, belittled...whatever u want to call that...
And so, i really havent been doing anything as a darkrm manager? people tend to only remember your mistakes, what you've never do, but not what you've done. It's always like that, noboday saw my efforts in trying to acquire the darkrm skills, no one saw me reading the thick notes on darkrm developing late into the night, no one cared about me spending a whole night with the senior to learn darkrm, people simply thought that i dun give a damn about darkrm. perhaps, it's my own problem, all along i have been too sunny and happy on the outside, people think i dun take anything seriously, people think im a joker, they think that im just an insignificant joker whom everyone can just come and step on me just like the way they step on an ant. Like what i've said before, my tolerance level is limited, and i do have a very bad temper, and i hated it when people dun seem to respect me, and yeah, "scraping darkrm session" is a personal insult to my ability as a darkrm manager. I dun want to think too much about it, but any normal person with the ability to feel insulted will feel insulted in such circumstances.
I just duno why am i always the one who's being compromised, sacrificed. Last yr's national day outing, i was the one being forgotten and ended up waiting at the MRT for 1++hr, no one ans my call, no one replies my sms. And this yr, the activity day was changed to monday, and im the one who's deeply affected. and then now the darkrm sessions, ms chan seems to be oblivious to all other exco's imperfections except mine, she is constantly aware of the darkrm not being cleaned, but she's ok with li ang misusing the darkrm equipments and even surf porno websites, she's ok with jiayi being absent all the time, she's ok with everyone else except me. But i really do want to ask her, who the hell says that the DM has to use mop to clean the darkrm? who is the one who told me that web environment will make fungus grow on the lens? Didn't they all see me clearing the mess in darkrm before? but everytime u clear, it gets messed again within a second, and no matter how many times u remind the people to put the equipments back to their original places, no one gives a freaking damn about it. so it is really my fault?
To be honest, i'm done with this cca now. completely done. I've put in so much effort, and in the end im such a failure still. No one seems to get it that im actually the one who loves the cca with all my heart, who the hell is the one who rushes back to nj on mon afternoons from substation just to attend part of the activity and join the exco meeting? who the hell is the one who went for all photo outings and neglected all other appointments? no one seems to care.
When im cleaning the darkrm, i feel so pathetic, i do not even need to bring my own food to my mouth at home, people serve me, i've never touched a mop before and dun talk about kneeling down and clean the floor, my mum will be furious is she knows about that. I am the only asset of my parents, and who can make me lower myself to such levels as to mop the floor? only myself! And now im not at all willing to do it for ps, not at all, it does not deserve it. IT DOES NOT DESERVE IT. It does not mean that shengde mops the floor everyday and so i have to. we are different.
Now i really do feel the club will be better without my presence, i dun think they need me as the DM, they can just employ a cleaner, a maid. whoever. I dun have to lower myself for people who do not know how to appreciate.
it's ok...i cried, and, im feeling much better now. will try to cry less for ps in future, cos it's not worth it, it does not deserve my tears.!
( got back H3 the other 25%, got an A, and my photo "The Forgotten" will be exhibited in the libraries...i forgot which ones..)
And so, i really havent been doing anything as a darkrm manager? people tend to only remember your mistakes, what you've never do, but not what you've done. It's always like that, noboday saw my efforts in trying to acquire the darkrm skills, no one saw me reading the thick notes on darkrm developing late into the night, no one cared about me spending a whole night with the senior to learn darkrm, people simply thought that i dun give a damn about darkrm. perhaps, it's my own problem, all along i have been too sunny and happy on the outside, people think i dun take anything seriously, people think im a joker, they think that im just an insignificant joker whom everyone can just come and step on me just like the way they step on an ant. Like what i've said before, my tolerance level is limited, and i do have a very bad temper, and i hated it when people dun seem to respect me, and yeah, "scraping darkrm session" is a personal insult to my ability as a darkrm manager. I dun want to think too much about it, but any normal person with the ability to feel insulted will feel insulted in such circumstances.
I just duno why am i always the one who's being compromised, sacrificed. Last yr's national day outing, i was the one being forgotten and ended up waiting at the MRT for 1++hr, no one ans my call, no one replies my sms. And this yr, the activity day was changed to monday, and im the one who's deeply affected. and then now the darkrm sessions, ms chan seems to be oblivious to all other exco's imperfections except mine, she is constantly aware of the darkrm not being cleaned, but she's ok with li ang misusing the darkrm equipments and even surf porno websites, she's ok with jiayi being absent all the time, she's ok with everyone else except me. But i really do want to ask her, who the hell says that the DM has to use mop to clean the darkrm? who is the one who told me that web environment will make fungus grow on the lens? Didn't they all see me clearing the mess in darkrm before? but everytime u clear, it gets messed again within a second, and no matter how many times u remind the people to put the equipments back to their original places, no one gives a freaking damn about it. so it is really my fault?
To be honest, i'm done with this cca now. completely done. I've put in so much effort, and in the end im such a failure still. No one seems to get it that im actually the one who loves the cca with all my heart, who the hell is the one who rushes back to nj on mon afternoons from substation just to attend part of the activity and join the exco meeting? who the hell is the one who went for all photo outings and neglected all other appointments? no one seems to care.
When im cleaning the darkrm, i feel so pathetic, i do not even need to bring my own food to my mouth at home, people serve me, i've never touched a mop before and dun talk about kneeling down and clean the floor, my mum will be furious is she knows about that. I am the only asset of my parents, and who can make me lower myself to such levels as to mop the floor? only myself! And now im not at all willing to do it for ps, not at all, it does not deserve it. IT DOES NOT DESERVE IT. It does not mean that shengde mops the floor everyday and so i have to. we are different.
Now i really do feel the club will be better without my presence, i dun think they need me as the DM, they can just employ a cleaner, a maid. whoever. I dun have to lower myself for people who do not know how to appreciate.
it's ok...i cried, and, im feeling much better now. will try to cry less for ps in future, cos it's not worth it, it does not deserve my tears.!
( got back H3 the other 25%, got an A, and my photo "The Forgotten" will be exhibited in the libraries...i forgot which ones..)
Tuesday, April 17, 2007
For every win, someone must fail....
Came across this sentence somewhere, i couldnt remember where...but it's really cool.
Well, life juz suck. SSPC ppl called me again and told me that they have a disagreement over whether my photo should be exhibited because my original photo was created by photoshop software. they asked me to email them the original one, but the truth is, after i took that photo, i used photoshop to enhance the colour and then override the original file, so not it seems that i kind of "lost" the original one. sighz...it's ok, never mind, life has been bad, and it cant go anything worse than that can it? unless it continues that i fail tmr's math paper, and nxt tues's NUSH3, if it really happens that way. i will make sure i kill myself. kill myself, and make sure i die, and be completely dead, not to be rescued by anyone, not parents, not friends, not teachers, not doctors. im really tired of living, i juz need that one little tiny push and that's it. i will collapse, and im seeing the end of my life approaching, it's really near, ending our own lives is not really a sin, different people have different tolerance level, and mine is certainly limited, and im a rubber band that's being stretched too hards...way too hard....
Well, life juz suck. SSPC ppl called me again and told me that they have a disagreement over whether my photo should be exhibited because my original photo was created by photoshop software. they asked me to email them the original one, but the truth is, after i took that photo, i used photoshop to enhance the colour and then override the original file, so not it seems that i kind of "lost" the original one. sighz...it's ok, never mind, life has been bad, and it cant go anything worse than that can it? unless it continues that i fail tmr's math paper, and nxt tues's NUSH3, if it really happens that way. i will make sure i kill myself. kill myself, and make sure i die, and be completely dead, not to be rescued by anyone, not parents, not friends, not teachers, not doctors. im really tired of living, i juz need that one little tiny push and that's it. i will collapse, and im seeing the end of my life approaching, it's really near, ending our own lives is not really a sin, different people have different tolerance level, and mine is certainly limited, and im a rubber band that's being stretched too hards...way too hard....
Sunday, April 15, 2007
sadness carried forward...
So it's been 2 days since the pw result's release, and here i am, seating in front of my computer screen, still, thinking, about, life.
many things happened in these few days, yes, but im oblivious to all of them. i kind of gave up in everything. it's just that, i dun feel like doing anything. Life hasnt been hard for me for the past 19 years. Since PSLE, to Olevels till now. Things havent been extremely smooth and nice but, no big disappointments. And perhaps, it's the reason why i havent been really serious in thinking about life.
i was born in a family that's not extremely rich but enough to satisfy me, provide me with almost all that i want. But guess im not really the kind of kid who indulges in material life and so i believe i did not add too much pressure to my parents. And, on top of all, im the only child. which means...naturally i get everything my parents earn.
But that's all on the surface, everything looks nice on the surface, i look all sunny and happy on the surface too. who the hell gives a freaking damn about how i really feel? all my parents wants is just fame, and so im supposed to be the tool for them to reach a greater height, so since young, im subjected to their scrutiny. I started going for English lesson at the age of 3, chinese painting lesson at the age of 5, ballet lesson at 6, dining etiquette lesson at 6...i started reading Mao's simple autobiographies at the age of 6...when other kids are playing, im staying at home learning communist theories. My parents just have this perception that their kid has to be the best kid in the world. Championing in every aspect. when they see their friends' kids playing roller blade, they bought it for me, when im only like 8 years old...and when other kids were happily having fun blading, im forced to blade in circles and my parents or their subordinates will count how many rounds i completed for the day. Same for ice-skating and swimming. For ice skating, i was enrolled in the figure skating class, and at a very young age u see me having bruises everywhere due to intensive trainings. and swimming, i hated it because im only allowed to swim in striaght lines, and they'll count the laps...
my parents really only cares about results, they dun give a fucking shit about how i feela and how much efforts i put in, they only want to see the results. and the same applies to the society. looking back to the 18 years what i lived, im really a pathetic kid, teenage. i never really lived my own life at all except for the part that involved art. but even that little bit of passion is wearing away because of the nj art tchers who never fail to discourage and disappoint me every single lesson.
Now i feel that im like a walking skeleton without a soul. floating...everywhere without a purpose, a direction, a motive....and im really sad. people just take me as a spoilt kid, pampered, bad tempered, irrational, stubborn, a mugger who only cares about marks and results. no one, no one, tries to understand me, no one tries to see from my perspective. how i was shaped by my environment, really, i was broken and bent and not even one sympathetic soul somes and give me a bit of warmth..
i have to say sorry to my close friends, because i might have been really a bad friend all along...i have too many problems on my own that i didnt really try to understand you all...but...im really...sighz....let's just try to live, try to survive...try...
many things happened in these few days, yes, but im oblivious to all of them. i kind of gave up in everything. it's just that, i dun feel like doing anything. Life hasnt been hard for me for the past 19 years. Since PSLE, to Olevels till now. Things havent been extremely smooth and nice but, no big disappointments. And perhaps, it's the reason why i havent been really serious in thinking about life.
i was born in a family that's not extremely rich but enough to satisfy me, provide me with almost all that i want. But guess im not really the kind of kid who indulges in material life and so i believe i did not add too much pressure to my parents. And, on top of all, im the only child. which means...naturally i get everything my parents earn.
But that's all on the surface, everything looks nice on the surface, i look all sunny and happy on the surface too. who the hell gives a freaking damn about how i really feel? all my parents wants is just fame, and so im supposed to be the tool for them to reach a greater height, so since young, im subjected to their scrutiny. I started going for English lesson at the age of 3, chinese painting lesson at the age of 5, ballet lesson at 6, dining etiquette lesson at 6...i started reading Mao's simple autobiographies at the age of 6...when other kids are playing, im staying at home learning communist theories. My parents just have this perception that their kid has to be the best kid in the world. Championing in every aspect. when they see their friends' kids playing roller blade, they bought it for me, when im only like 8 years old...and when other kids were happily having fun blading, im forced to blade in circles and my parents or their subordinates will count how many rounds i completed for the day. Same for ice-skating and swimming. For ice skating, i was enrolled in the figure skating class, and at a very young age u see me having bruises everywhere due to intensive trainings. and swimming, i hated it because im only allowed to swim in striaght lines, and they'll count the laps...
my parents really only cares about results, they dun give a fucking shit about how i feela and how much efforts i put in, they only want to see the results. and the same applies to the society. looking back to the 18 years what i lived, im really a pathetic kid, teenage. i never really lived my own life at all except for the part that involved art. but even that little bit of passion is wearing away because of the nj art tchers who never fail to discourage and disappoint me every single lesson.
Now i feel that im like a walking skeleton without a soul. floating...everywhere without a purpose, a direction, a motive....and im really sad. people just take me as a spoilt kid, pampered, bad tempered, irrational, stubborn, a mugger who only cares about marks and results. no one, no one, tries to understand me, no one tries to see from my perspective. how i was shaped by my environment, really, i was broken and bent and not even one sympathetic soul somes and give me a bit of warmth..
i have to say sorry to my close friends, because i might have been really a bad friend all along...i have too many problems on my own that i didnt really try to understand you all...but...im really...sighz....let's just try to live, try to survive...try...
Friday, April 13, 2007
Friday the 13th...disaster for me.
sighz...normally i dun believe in this kind of thing but now...im really very very very very very suay.
Got back PW result...i got a C! can you believe it! a C! all that hardwork and all those tears and all i get is a C! well...i saw my class people crying, apparently my whole class didnt do well as there's only 2 As and the rest are all Bs and Cs. My whole entire group got C...ha ha ha ha...and wonder why am i not crying? guess i've really grown up, i've finally come to realise the futility of crying...tears sometimes can relieve you from sadness, but they do not solve the problem and get you into any better situations.
Another reason why i didnt really feel very hurt was that i know i've done my best, i did the video, i did the powerpoint. it is the grp work part that pulled me down, i had very good comments for my individual part...so....my grp has 4 ppl, 1 is considering of going overseas sometime soon and the other is already overseas since this Jan. So...they did not put in effort in PW at all, so we were like, operating on a 2 persons basis...
Well...but somehow...i really do feel sad...very very very sad...it's really unfair! somewhere deep in my heart is screaming out this. It's really unfair! sighz...but...im no longer that naive, the world is never fair, is it??
well...and i juz received my NUS H3 result, a B. well, not bad but definitely not good enough. sighz...im really really not good enough. sometimes i really do feel im just a piece of shit!
Got back PW result...i got a C! can you believe it! a C! all that hardwork and all those tears and all i get is a C! well...i saw my class people crying, apparently my whole class didnt do well as there's only 2 As and the rest are all Bs and Cs. My whole entire group got C...ha ha ha ha...and wonder why am i not crying? guess i've really grown up, i've finally come to realise the futility of crying...tears sometimes can relieve you from sadness, but they do not solve the problem and get you into any better situations.
Another reason why i didnt really feel very hurt was that i know i've done my best, i did the video, i did the powerpoint. it is the grp work part that pulled me down, i had very good comments for my individual part...so....my grp has 4 ppl, 1 is considering of going overseas sometime soon and the other is already overseas since this Jan. So...they did not put in effort in PW at all, so we were like, operating on a 2 persons basis...
Well...but somehow...i really do feel sad...very very very sad...it's really unfair! somewhere deep in my heart is screaming out this. It's really unfair! sighz...but...im no longer that naive, the world is never fair, is it??
well...and i juz received my NUS H3 result, a B. well, not bad but definitely not good enough. sighz...im really really not good enough. sometimes i really do feel im just a piece of shit!
nothing much to say.......
i'm tired.
the power of love...is not for me
i possess nothing but futility
be gentle to me
im just an innocent ant...
struggling to survive....
why do you have to cause me so much pain
especially at that very moment
your belated wishes...
caused
immense
pain...
it's ok.
guess im just going to live with it.
the reality of life
how sad...
accept life as what it is.
peace of the mind....
the power of love...is not for me
i possess nothing but futility
be gentle to me
im just an innocent ant...
struggling to survive....
why do you have to cause me so much pain
especially at that very moment
your belated wishes...
caused
immense
pain...
it's ok.
guess im just going to live with it.
the reality of life
how sad...
accept life as what it is.
peace of the mind....
Wednesday, April 11, 2007
FUtility and Dilemma
Sometimes i really do feel that i've done too much for people who duno how to appreciate. Like, his birthday, i really spent a lot of time trying to find a present that suits him, and even the wrapping, i went to so many places to try to find and nice box and nice ribbons...and then...bought precious moments card for him and drew cute forever friends bear on the envelope...and all i ever got was a soft whisper of thank you and the benting of the card...seems that he din really see the amount of effort i put in. I did all these despite my geopolitics deadlines. sigh...it's really not like im really expecting something in return...but...it's just the failing of wasted efforts...and the realization of the feeling of futility. guess it's just going to continue like this.
and seriously, i'm having a dilemma right now. the choosing of photog new exco is rather difficult for me. Because...he actually wants to run for president. and well, to be really really honest, he's not a bad candidate in terms of capabilities. however...all of us agree that he's not committed. Well, on a personal level, i really do want him to be the president, i like him, and so of course i would want him to get what he wants. but...i have to be responsible to the club too. I have this feeling that if i agree to put him as the president, then...i might be making the same mistakes as the seniors last year who made li ang the vice pres....ok...let me list down the reasons why i would not support him being the pres and why would...may be it will help me to sort out my messed up brain a little bit...
DO NOT CHOOSE HIM BECAUSE:
1) He's been physically absent from the club since last yr with the excuse of having strings on the same day as photog. however, even aft ps changed it's activity day on mon. he did not appear this yr again. excuses given were, disney night, talentime and SYF...but it cant just go on and on like this, cos things will just accumulate, after this sure have that,there's no end to his strings things.
2) He's not been present in the exco meetings for most of the time except the times when we talk about CT photos which is no longer relevant now. and thus, he's not been really aware of how our exco functions and what we are doing...he kind of only relies on Si Jie's exco meeting minutes. This led him into believing that all chief photographer and chief instructor has to do is to call ppl for duty, organise outings and give critic. and thus he believes that he's done all he's needed to do as an exco member.
3) In reality, his absence resulted in ps exco practically working on a 4 or 5 ppl basis when there's supposed to be 6...
4)He's over confidence in getting the post irritates me and he's starting to form his sphere of influence by asking his friends to run for posts such as vice-pres, darkrm manager and others...which shows he's kind of a person with designs...a thought that really scares me...
5)He has too many other commitments such as saphires scholar...Star H3 programme...and strings...and studies of course...
6) He does not seem to be a photo enthusiast...as in...not really commited...not like ben...
7) Removing him means removing the whole entire bad history away...
8) he will probably not do anything to change the situation but continue to let ps remain in it's present messy state and continue this mess nxt yr...
9) He's been in ps for so long...it's time for him to give others a chance.
10) no one's keen in letting him be the pres.
CHOOSE HIM
1) he's very experienced and skilled
2) He's a nice person at least from what i know even though im starting to get all the bad things abt him
3) Ms chan loves him
4) He's capable, has leadership qualities.
5) I LIKE HIM!
okok...shall really get over this thingy and focus on my studies....whatever the case....we'll see how it goes on the day of the interview
and seriously, i'm having a dilemma right now. the choosing of photog new exco is rather difficult for me. Because...he actually wants to run for president. and well, to be really really honest, he's not a bad candidate in terms of capabilities. however...all of us agree that he's not committed. Well, on a personal level, i really do want him to be the president, i like him, and so of course i would want him to get what he wants. but...i have to be responsible to the club too. I have this feeling that if i agree to put him as the president, then...i might be making the same mistakes as the seniors last year who made li ang the vice pres....ok...let me list down the reasons why i would not support him being the pres and why would...may be it will help me to sort out my messed up brain a little bit...
DO NOT CHOOSE HIM BECAUSE:
1) He's been physically absent from the club since last yr with the excuse of having strings on the same day as photog. however, even aft ps changed it's activity day on mon. he did not appear this yr again. excuses given were, disney night, talentime and SYF...but it cant just go on and on like this, cos things will just accumulate, after this sure have that,there's no end to his strings things.
2) He's not been present in the exco meetings for most of the time except the times when we talk about CT photos which is no longer relevant now. and thus, he's not been really aware of how our exco functions and what we are doing...he kind of only relies on Si Jie's exco meeting minutes. This led him into believing that all chief photographer and chief instructor has to do is to call ppl for duty, organise outings and give critic. and thus he believes that he's done all he's needed to do as an exco member.
3) In reality, his absence resulted in ps exco practically working on a 4 or 5 ppl basis when there's supposed to be 6...
4)He's over confidence in getting the post irritates me and he's starting to form his sphere of influence by asking his friends to run for posts such as vice-pres, darkrm manager and others...which shows he's kind of a person with designs...a thought that really scares me...
5)He has too many other commitments such as saphires scholar...Star H3 programme...and strings...and studies of course...
6) He does not seem to be a photo enthusiast...as in...not really commited...not like ben...
7) Removing him means removing the whole entire bad history away...
8) he will probably not do anything to change the situation but continue to let ps remain in it's present messy state and continue this mess nxt yr...
9) He's been in ps for so long...it's time for him to give others a chance.
10) no one's keen in letting him be the pres.
CHOOSE HIM
1) he's very experienced and skilled
2) He's a nice person at least from what i know even though im starting to get all the bad things abt him
3) Ms chan loves him
4) He's capable, has leadership qualities.
5) I LIKE HIM!
okok...shall really get over this thingy and focus on my studies....whatever the case....we'll see how it goes on the day of the interview
Saturday, April 07, 2007
I've never felt so tired before...
this is a really busy week, i've been rushing out my NUS Geopolitics H3 module's Grp work and individual assignment together. How tough. now then i understand but it's a bit late. Im so super drained. These two assignments will add up to 50% of my H3 grade. How unfortunate, i have the habit of leaving everything to the last. and things just seem to pop up all the time, i dun seem to have a single day that im totally free of any assignments of cca thingys. Im juz busy.
I'm wondering why am i giving myself so much pressure, why am i taking the 2nd H3? it's really tough. and besides, juz heard from ms chan, my H3 art wrote out of point and so i did badly for it. Expected huh? ha ha, yeah, i would have said that to my friends, but deep inside, im expecting better results. well, i always appear to be indifferent to some of the things that i really take seriously.
Went for the photo outing yesterday, guess yesterday wasnt really a "good friday" for me, we celebrated his birthday, i gave him my present, i gave him my card and that's it. what saddens me was he din seem to have taken my card seriously, maybe im just being too sensitive....nah...it was a horrible day....no wonder people say the higher the expectations...the bigger the disappointment..,.sighz...
I'm wondering why am i giving myself so much pressure, why am i taking the 2nd H3? it's really tough. and besides, juz heard from ms chan, my H3 art wrote out of point and so i did badly for it. Expected huh? ha ha, yeah, i would have said that to my friends, but deep inside, im expecting better results. well, i always appear to be indifferent to some of the things that i really take seriously.
Went for the photo outing yesterday, guess yesterday wasnt really a "good friday" for me, we celebrated his birthday, i gave him my present, i gave him my card and that's it. what saddens me was he din seem to have taken my card seriously, maybe im just being too sensitive....nah...it was a horrible day....no wonder people say the higher the expectations...the bigger the disappointment..,.sighz...
Wednesday, April 04, 2007
Let's just live in the illusion...
recently i have been thinking of changing my attitude towards life a bit. well, many things happened. i was flipping through my diary yesterday and i saw this:
You know sometimes I juz think that I shldnt live on this earth because it doesn’t realli suit me. I have lots of things to do but I dun have enough time. However at the same time I feel like doing nothing, this kind of contradicting thinking is often unacceptable by this society. But well, who the hell cares about that? I love to dream, just sit there and do nothing but just dream, keep on dreaming and thinking, nothing particularly interesting but just dream. Anyone’s as weird as me? Come and tell me and we might make friends together, who knows? May be I dun really need friends after all.
Wang mo 28/3/07
i think i am really a lonely girl, no matter how many friends i have, i feel as if im constantly alone. think i just couldnt allow myself to put down all my guards and accept anyone totally. Im really tired of living my life this way. I always seem to be very lively, cheerful and crazy on the outside. but no one, no one understands how sad, stressed and scared i am when facing life. I still remember my photog president once said,"dun bluff, you where got stressed? you dun look stressed, i am the one who's stressed...look, i got so much things to do, i have bio test tmr...."
so, one needs to put "i am stressed" on their face for others to see. i dun like to be like this, i do show my emotions on my face however, sometimes i really dun like to keep saying how busy i am. cos i will stress me further. no one seems to understand that actually the crazy wang mo can be busy with some serious stuff too. i have 2 H3s, i have sph things to do, i have to prepare for the coming SAT exam, i have studies to attend to, i have to start applying for overseas universities, i have 3 CCAs of which i am in the exco for 2 of them. I am not busy?? even i cant bluff myself.
people just don't seem to understand me, not that im so desperate for them to understand, i've persevered thus far, i am on a journey alone for 19 years till now, and i think im finally really getting tired of all these. i want to feel the warmth of having real friends too. i want to have someone who cares for me, i want to be together with the one i like. but why all these, which seem so easy for others to get, seemed so difficult for me to obtain? why am i always giving out and have nothing in return? i wonder....
had a very harmonious photog exco meeting on monday, though we just had a "email fight" over the weekend, everyone seemed polite to each other. i dun believe we've solved the problems but at least, we've overcame the barrier of not being able to show smiley faces, now even though im pretty pissed with li ang and jiayi, i dun really go and antagonise them like what i used to do. cos im tired, exhausted, i just want to finish up the remaining 3 more months and try to leave myself as much fond memories of this club as possible. this club has brought me too much sadness, disappointment and anger that im afraid im gona hate it in future, the only good part of it is also the sour part, the part that hurts me deep in my heart, like a knife piercing my heart, the pain is beyond my control....
my life seems to be in a mess now, my common test result was more or less like last year's but while seeing others improve and i am still at my original position saddens me. i think, it's really time for me to clear up my overflowing emotions and concentrate on some practical issues and be pragmatic. i am secretly applying PR now, i think, this is when, i am going to have my split with my parents. but i dun really care now, now i dun really care about anything very much le. i have my life to live, they have theirs, they've dictated my life for more than 19 years and it's time for me to control my own life. but somehow, im terribly scared...terribly scared...arh...im tired...so tired....
You know sometimes I juz think that I shldnt live on this earth because it doesn’t realli suit me. I have lots of things to do but I dun have enough time. However at the same time I feel like doing nothing, this kind of contradicting thinking is often unacceptable by this society. But well, who the hell cares about that? I love to dream, just sit there and do nothing but just dream, keep on dreaming and thinking, nothing particularly interesting but just dream. Anyone’s as weird as me? Come and tell me and we might make friends together, who knows? May be I dun really need friends after all.
Wang mo 28/3/07
i think i am really a lonely girl, no matter how many friends i have, i feel as if im constantly alone. think i just couldnt allow myself to put down all my guards and accept anyone totally. Im really tired of living my life this way. I always seem to be very lively, cheerful and crazy on the outside. but no one, no one understands how sad, stressed and scared i am when facing life. I still remember my photog president once said,"dun bluff, you where got stressed? you dun look stressed, i am the one who's stressed...look, i got so much things to do, i have bio test tmr...."
so, one needs to put "i am stressed" on their face for others to see. i dun like to be like this, i do show my emotions on my face however, sometimes i really dun like to keep saying how busy i am. cos i will stress me further. no one seems to understand that actually the crazy wang mo can be busy with some serious stuff too. i have 2 H3s, i have sph things to do, i have to prepare for the coming SAT exam, i have studies to attend to, i have to start applying for overseas universities, i have 3 CCAs of which i am in the exco for 2 of them. I am not busy?? even i cant bluff myself.
people just don't seem to understand me, not that im so desperate for them to understand, i've persevered thus far, i am on a journey alone for 19 years till now, and i think im finally really getting tired of all these. i want to feel the warmth of having real friends too. i want to have someone who cares for me, i want to be together with the one i like. but why all these, which seem so easy for others to get, seemed so difficult for me to obtain? why am i always giving out and have nothing in return? i wonder....
had a very harmonious photog exco meeting on monday, though we just had a "email fight" over the weekend, everyone seemed polite to each other. i dun believe we've solved the problems but at least, we've overcame the barrier of not being able to show smiley faces, now even though im pretty pissed with li ang and jiayi, i dun really go and antagonise them like what i used to do. cos im tired, exhausted, i just want to finish up the remaining 3 more months and try to leave myself as much fond memories of this club as possible. this club has brought me too much sadness, disappointment and anger that im afraid im gona hate it in future, the only good part of it is also the sour part, the part that hurts me deep in my heart, like a knife piercing my heart, the pain is beyond my control....
my life seems to be in a mess now, my common test result was more or less like last year's but while seeing others improve and i am still at my original position saddens me. i think, it's really time for me to clear up my overflowing emotions and concentrate on some practical issues and be pragmatic. i am secretly applying PR now, i think, this is when, i am going to have my split with my parents. but i dun really care now, now i dun really care about anything very much le. i have my life to live, they have theirs, they've dictated my life for more than 19 years and it's time for me to control my own life. but somehow, im terribly scared...terribly scared...arh...im tired...so tired....
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