i feel very defeated now. i hate myself.

It was a dreadful day ysd.

thank god it's all over.

ANyway, having completed 1 scholarship interview with IE singapore, 1 scholarship writing test with SPH. I guess i'm completely drained. Why?? cos i duno how i faired and i am too tired to think about it. I am not really allowed to discuss the writing test qestions but anyhow, i would like to express my utmost discontentment with the stringent criteria attached to the chinese test. No choices were given for us to choose the essay topics, we have to be effectively bilingual because we have to translate an English essay into Chinese. and on top of that, we have to understand internet language. How fantastic, being a reporter, u need to be a superman. no, im sorry, i'm not one. i'm just a lazy gal who wants high pay and wana go overseas to study without making my parents pay, so that i could break free of their control.

so i received moe's call ysd, asking me to go for the psychometric test on sat, and to be honest, i was profoundly pissed off as psc simply juz referred my psc scholarship application str. to moe, without considering that my first choice is MFA, MFA!!!!! what the hell, and actually, teaching was my 4th choice.

and life in bxxxx gxxxx school, makes me feel even more strongly about not wanting to be a teacher. not because of the stu, but the teachers, the system, the hierarchy and all. SO what if you are good and capable and complete ur tasks with great efficiency? as long as u are a junior tcher, no matter how unreasonable a senior tcher can be, u have to listen to her. she's insane, and so are my supervisors who wana me to consider seriously abt the heirarchy system in schools. well, i dun give a freaking damn about it, be it ms loi..looi..whatever that horrible surname she has, im not gona get over it, and if im an employee, im gona give trouble to her, if i the boss, im gona fire her. whatever, but im determined to stay on, why? haha, of course, i cant juz suffer and then leave and then give them a nice time right? i will get what i deserves, till the time it makes me feel happy and find a perfect time to resign.

yes.

settled.

遗忘

学会遗忘，就说明你在成长；
学会遗忘，就表示你在展望。
我的心灵，容不下太多的孤独；
有限的时空，包不了太多的痛苦。

遗忘----有时也许是一种幸福。
何必要把那些不堪与难舍，
带进现在的生活？
如果过去是童话，你不应该去怀念，
因为那毕竟只是短暂的绚丽。
如果过去是噩梦，你更不应该在意，
因为那毕竟只是你摔倒过后留下的痕迹。
想想太阳吧，那普照大地的胸怀，
包容万物的奇迹。。。

学会遗忘，去感悟青春。
学会遗忘，去珍惜生命。
学会遗忘，去酿造辉煌！

Just leave me alone.

I am feeling tired.

reflections.

Been sleeping to little lately....

My first Bday present from jy. It's gona be one of the most important presents i've ever got in my life, cos, i have this feeling that it's gona be the last present from him. pessimistic? No, I am just being true and realistic.

Dun be disappointed mo, this is already more than enough, it's been unexpected that he'll even rmb ur bday, so, the Gelare, the present and the mere fact that he saves ur bday on his HP is like so much better than last year alr.


觉得自己很幸福，


因为能够想念一个人本身就是一件幸福的事。

For almost 2 full years, I always had someone to think of, someone to miss. I think this is really good, and i had fun in my ccas, i had cried during those emo times when conflicts seem to be too much for me to handle. and, I have learnt how to face things. You know, it's just incredible that I survived those dreadful times while I worked on my coursework alone. I hurts a lot when mr low said that he wouldnt give me an A for my coursework, I know it's not very good but, at the very least, it is all done by myself, no help from teachers, and, I rushed out within 2 months. Yes, I know all dhs art ppl got A, but, how many have their courseworks all done by themselves? Less than 4. Well, I think i've had had enough of art, taking art in university could be a torture. Yes, mr low, it's not strange that i am thinking this way. Art, can hurt me a lot, it's not about whether i can score, it's about whether i will enjoy. It's too painful for me.

it's hard to imagine that i could actually achieve all these distinctions when i was
1) busy with my ccas
2) bothered by all those conflicts
3) extremely emotional due to art
4) infatuated with shen jiayi

but somehow, miracle happened. I think, it's amazing that at the end of the day, I got to bring home genuine friendship, knowledge, interest, fond memories and on top of all, good results. NJC, I have to say that I really miss it a lot, I miss the never ending stairs, the freaking ant tracks, the snakes and spiders and all the wild things that made nj so uniquely condusive for studying, afterall, we are on the hill.

Now, with the receiving of my Alevel results and the celebration of my 20th birthday, it's clear that a new chapter of my life has started. I am not sure how i will be able to adjust to this new reality, but, one thing that i am pretty sure is that, I have to let go of something in the past now, i can't hold on to things forever and try to bluff myself throughout my life. You know, liking jy has become a habit, i am beginning to question my true feelings about him, and i have often imagined him as my brother, i duno, do i really really like him?

Life has to move on, with all the vagueness, since he cant do anything more than being just a friend, I have to start to really treat him like a friend, may be a special friend, but then, stop there. He is, afterall, just being nice. Something happened during my birthday, and it made me think abt my relationship with jy more, other people, i shld really think about others more, people like JN, I am really feeling very guilty to him. I think i am an even worse version of jy in this.

So, thanks again to karen, si jie, amanda, cuiying, cheryl, shan yan, yan qing, harry, sherlene, victoria, hongyi, kevin, ian, jun nuo, jeffery, jiayi, tiffany,lulu, mum, dad,xin ying, Mr Azahar, Mr Muhammad, Mr Loh and the rest who have remembered my birthday and gave their best wishes to me. It's always very encouraging for me to know that at least I still have some friends, this helps me to shake off the horrible thought that I am friendless due to my weirdness and hot temper. And extended thanks to my BGSS colleagues who gave me the fantastic notebook and bday celebration, the cake is really nice...and..harry, thanks for spoiling my camera lens by trying to take ur own photos, my lens felt disgusted and tried to commit suicide by cracking itself. And thanks to amanda's super candle, which took me a whole century to blow them out. They are exactly like what's being said in the chinese poem "野火烧不尽，春风吹又生" really, just that for this case it is, "王茉吹不灭，风吹火又着" I almost suffered from lack of oxygen after i finally managed to blow out all the candles...sighz...










it's a happy warm small family in our workroom, the world outside is big, the world outside is bleak, the world outside is hostile, the world outside is insecure. I am tired of it, I want to stay insulated for as long as possible. i am scared.

Anyway, my birthday resolution is:

To Age Gracefully.

HAPPY BIRTHDAY TO MYSELF...:)

Personal Astrology Profile for Wang
Birth Date and Time..... March 19, 1988 11:28 AM
Birth Location............. Beijing, China
Sun Sign.................... Pisces


Section 1: How You Approach Life and How You Appear To Others

You appear gentle and soft, and you act rather reserved with others until you know them well and feel it is safe to be open with them. You have a strong need for emotional security and a sense of belonging, and are deeply attached to the past: your heritage, roots, family, cherished friends, familiar places, etc. Making radical changes or moves away from what is known and safe can be very painful and difficult for you. You tend to cling and hold on to people, memories, possessions of personal or sentimental significance. Having a home, a safe haven, is very important to you.

Section 2: The Inner You: Your Real Motivation
At heart you are very gentle, impressionable, and receptive -a dreamer. The world of your imagination, feelings, and intuition is as real to you as anything in the outer world, though you may have trouble verbalizing or interpreting your inner experiences in a way others can understand. Mystical, artistic, musical, emotional and imaginative, you have a rich inner life, though you may seem rather unobtrusive and quiet outwardly. You usually keep to yourself.

SOOO...ME AND SOOOO...NOT ME...

MON, MON. I know he wants to talk to me, but i din expect him to want to have mr muhammad there, and i am beginning to qn his 'goodwill' now. I know he didnt mean bad for me, but as much as he thought hat i do things without thinking of the consequences, i think he considered little about the consequences too. I did quite a bit of damage to my feelings. But he doesnt care does he. He keeps on thinking about my probs, focusing on my strong defensive mechanism, fine then, i dun have to to change myself to suit the environment. but i will remain here, one will definitely learn more in hostile environments, but actually, here isnt very hostile, considering that i only have prob with one person. and now starting to have some reservations towards a supervisor, he wants to be business like, then let's be business like.

and one more mistake, he shld not have said anything that's near bad about my fav tcher. shouldnt.

i didnt wana go dhs, because, i dun want to give trouble to mr low if i came into any conflict with any tcher, probably he doesnt know about it.

went to dhs to listen to the professor talk, so karen and i no longer have to go to hilton hotel to meet him at night, then, met mr low, wow, i felt like crying the instant i saw him smiling and waving at me lah. and then the usual mr low, joking and teasing me again. haha, AND GUESS WAD, LU LAO SHI SAY I GREW FAT!!!!!!!!! anyway, got unconditional offer from ucl slade, so im not that keen abt going to goldsmiths anymore.

mr low drove us back, thank you so much mr low, for that i will try to help you search the wadever "10 most at risk jobs in future" thingy for ur wadever talk for the wadever sec3 and 4 stu. :):)

had dinner with karen ysd..wow...chose something new ysd, nice spagetti, nice bread even though we almost got choked to death, nice service, wow, and nice tea. karen, i require you to repeat whatevr i told you abt tea next time i see you!

we made fool of ourselves ysd, and thanks karen, for your lovely bear present, and i really really really love it. hahahahaha, and the photos...u'l make me cry u know!!!!!hahaha





oh..did demonstration today...again

sat was a bad day, guess wad, I got a call from my supervisor, wow, spoiled my mood for the rest of the day.

lucky my dear d80 and mr loh made it up for me, mr loh came even when he had slight fever, 37.5. wow, i cant think of any other teachers who would be better than him. And d80 is really not bad, got a few nice shots there. but saw 2 super uper duper cool photographers with d300...wowowow...look at the huge lenses lahz.

went for nus open hse after that, so im settled on law or double degree with law and lky foreign policy or something like that. wahahahaha, i must be mad.

thanks mr loh, for ur parker pen present, it's very you, and i love it. I will so miss you if i happen to be ablle to go uk, but still, dun be so sure that i will go uk yet, and so, dun say goodbye that early.

I am becoming more and more confused of things eaach day...what is this?

i am tired i think.
too tired to think straight.
the website is done, thanks to sj.
scholarship application is in a complete mass. thanks to myself and mr low's advice.
tmr go for nature guiding and nus open hse.
i wana go for law
haha
that's so funny.

nxt wed will be my bday. how sad. i am growing old.

and guess what, jy say he'll treat me gelare on tues, and he remembers my bday. how strange, it feels strange, while i was secretly planning for his bday celebration, i thot he's gona forget my bday again, for the 3rd consecutive year. haha.

sighz...i am weird...feeling weird...happy? i duno...

so...i got my results.

i still can't believe it, after all the hardwork, all these suspension...after the horrifying, disturibing and disappointing Olevels...I am finally happy and lucky for once.

Yes, I got STRAIGHT As...unbelievable.

and...now i must really thank mr loh, for his smiles, and...oh my..

on 7th march, karen, hongyi and i met up and went to nj together, we were all so nervous, little did we know at that time time all 3 of us are gona receive really gd results, i never thot that i was actually sitting beside the njc arts faculty's top scorer. yes, hongyi got 7 distinctions and is the top arts stu. i'm so proud of her!

and...i am most disappointed with my GP and NUS geopolitics, but...ark...nvm
anyway, it was a little bit funny when i couldnt find my name on the "3 H2 As" list and told my tcher it's either i received the wrong result or the sch printed wrongly, then...my tcher led me to the 6 distinction board and pointed at my name. that was really embarrassing! and i was like...oh..okay...and...i duno...haha...

i went to see LSE professor at conrad hotel on sunday, wow, erm...well...i told him that i got a conditional offer from them, and he asked what did i get for my alevels and i told him str. As and he was like...wow...congrats and see you in oct in LSE...-_-'''but then...like 3 seconds later, he asked "what other uni gave you offers?" and i said UCL and LEEDS and he was like "SO, which one are you going to choose?" then...I -_-'''..."LSE" and he said he's expecting that ans...yeah..right...but he was super surprised when i said that i might want to change course as he said that international relations is probably LSE's best course and he does not understand why i wana change...oh well...

now im gona be busy...hahaha..yes...yes...I bought a D80! with 2 kit lenses...1 18-70mm and the other is 70-300mm...and other things also lah..but i love the lens pen...so coooooolllllllllll

arkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkk

This is realli bad, I cant take it....never mind...i will try to let myself not to think about it now...

TUESDAY

Dis demo in class, actually not demo, mr muhammad wants me to draw along with the students, they use pencil while i use erm, pastel. I did a drawing of the mussel, he said it can be used as art resources next time, okay....











Karen and I at the entrance.



In the afternoon...visited National Museum with Karen. We wanted to look at the greek exhibition before we get back our As result in case after that we don't feel like doing anything anymore. So...I was a little late, the exhibition is really not bad, even though it is mainly based on sculptures which I could hardly appreiciate at a higher level due to my limited artistic talent, I enjoyed looking at them, thing about how people in Athens did such magnifiscent things with no modern technology. How much effort they have to put in to produce those beautiful marble sculptures? And, precisely because they did not have the technology to source for other materials, their choice of material : Marble helped to preserve such works till today, imagine if they had used plastic...or some combined metal, these things might not be able to last through the thousands of years! and in the ancient greek time, there's no delicate tools, so it all depends on the artisian's skills and patience, my gosh, I just think that, compared to these works, though they might have lacked in creativity, they are real stuff, real art that emerged from talent, not some rubbish things that some contemporary artists called "inspirations"...the contemporary artist...deep inside, they are inspired by either money or fame, wana shock people for the sake of shocking...sigh, after so long, i still find that i apprieciate classical art much better.

WED

Did drawing in class again, SNOWPEA...wadever, i was not thinking straight because alevel result is approaching.

THURS
my colleagues and i decide to have a cycling outing at east coast park. yes, it rained for rather long ysd, but we have the luck to enjoy ourselves in the afternoon. so we started cycling at ard 5pm, and shanyan and i got the double bike. oh well, thank goodness we are still in one piece, i didnt know how i survived, shanyan and i were screaming our lungs out..not cheering, the screaming and yelling came from sheer horror and fear of falling down. The double bike is really, something of a challenge, oh my tian, the people in east coast park might think that we've seen the JI terrorist lah cos we were really ARHHHHHHHHHHHHHHing!!!!!!!! all the way...lost all my face, not that i care, after friday, i might just be really crazy...and go into IMH.


So we cycle and cycle and stopped to take photos, towards the end, we went up to the break water, took photos, i like to listen to the sound of the sea, so peaceful yet overpowering, you'll feel so small while facing the sea, like some minute creature and no one would notice your existence. But at the same time, you feel that you are so huge, like the only one on Earth, like everything belongs to you, you and you only, me and me only..sigh, i cant take it...im like...so not wanting to leave the beach and the sea and the seashells...




at night, jeff joined amanda and i for dinner, that idiot cycled all the way to east coast park and claimed that a lot of things dropped onto him while he cycled there.-_-''' and...we met amanda's friends, jeff is as "lusty" as usual, trying to lure and flirt with innocent girls again...sighz..tsk tsk tsk...shake my head 3 times.

and...we tried to get the toy bears...we failed...sighz...i no i will not get it..but...hopefully one day someone can help me, and i will probably marry that man who gets the biggest toy bear for me from that machine...that's so sweet...

Fri
Okay, early in the morning, yan qing received call from her techer, she did very well for As, 4As and H3 distinction, that makes me feel worse, my phone has kept silent till now, bad feeling? yes, bad signs? YES!

went for BGSS sports day. The scale is quite small, can't compare to DHS sports day, we used to be at national stadium.


the banner that amanda and i did for ruby house..the best banner among all the houses!:)



the weather as no good, rained quite heavily for a while..

took a photo of the sky using special mode on my cam...not bad right?

the highlight of the day was the cheerleading competition. Well, not that the competition is fierce, the fact is that there's no competition at all, Ruby did such a great job. Mr muhammad is really cool, one man shouldered so many duties...all thanks to him

red ruby won, no surprise.

Amanda and I...cool?

me and the ruby mascot


went to the library...borrowed a few books to keep me company through the relief classes. "what will you sacrifice for love" guess i can be quite an interesting read as it's about love at nazi's time....I have decided to use the time for reading instead of scolding. Some students are simply beyond hope. for instance, i was made to help with discipline for class 1d on friday. then there were 4 students, trying to curse the hell out of me, thinking that i dun understand vulgarities, they started spilling out vulgarities in hokkien, cantonese, english and chinese.the funny thing is, they tried to curse me "you are a son of bitch!" and it took me a while to realise that they are targetting at me, not that my reaction time is slow, but really, i tot with my long hair and everything, i think it's pretty obvious i am a female.

then, they started to spit down, because their comp lab2 is directly above the hod room, they're trying to spit down and see when they'll hit the DM's head. how clever.

then today, my 2A class ate up my specimen sweets which are for them to refer and draw. sighz...my gosh...i cant imagine i was once a student too. guess i wasnt as hopeless as them back then.

today, i went to tell mr azahar abt my bday on 19th march, guess what he said? he's gonna throw a waterbomb party for me-_-'' that mentally unsound ss subject head who suffers from mild 'alzheimers' and 'parkinsons' disease is gona throw waterbombs at me. -_-''' sighz...sighz...what a cute and funny little hairy old man.

ark..im feeling really sian these days, nothing could possibly spice up my day. come on, helpppppp!!

and Alevels is coming out on fri. shit.