sick

i cant believe this, just as i was joking with my friend on the bus on friday when we killed an ades mosquito, we told each other that we cant afford to get sick, not right before our Alevels, that's the last thing that we wana see happen. we are not gona wait for another bloody year to retake Alevels.

And.............

Here i am, sick and all tired. on wed morning, it's my GP alevel paper, this is to say that it is less than 48 hrs. i am not very sure if i could recover before that, i am so scared that i have to do my exam with a diggy head....


please.....let me recover by tmr!!! PLEASE!!!!!

I DELETED SHEN JIAYI'S HANDPHONE AND HOUSE NUMBER. IN SHORT, I DELETED HIS CONTACT. SO FROM NOW ONWARDS, I HOPE IT'S A NEW BEGINNING FOR ME.

我和他的友情已经不再可能。

Farmers

Did poems with mr whitby today. It was kind of hard in the beginning...but..interesting...

Two poems...[The Serf] by Roy Campbell and [Aside] by R.S Thomas...their subject matter is famers...exploring the idea of the suffering of farmers, depriving of a choice, forced to submit to oppression and wait in patience...



The Serf

by Roy Campbell (1901-57)



His naked skin clothed in the torrid mist

That puffs in smoke around the patient hooves,

The ploughman drives, a slow somnambulist,

And through the green his crimson furrow grooves.

His heart, more deeply than he wounds the plain,

Long by the rasping share of insult torn,

Red clod, to which the war-cry once was rain

And tribal spears the fatal sheaves of corn,

Lies fallow now. But as the turf divides

I see in the slow progress of his strides

Over the toppled clods and falling flowers,

The timeless, surly patience of the serf

That moves the nearest to the naked earth

And ploughs down palaces, and thrones, and towers.



[28 July 1926]


Aside

by R.S.Thomas

Take heart, Prytherch.
Over you the planets stand,
And have seen more ills than your.
This canker was in the bone
Before man bent to his image
In the pool's glass. Violence has been
And will be again. Between better
And worse is no bad place

For a labourer, whose lot is to seem
Stationary in traffic so fast.
Turn aside, I said; do not turn back
There is no forward and no back
In the fields, only the year's two
Solstices, and patience between.

a splash in the water of my heart

Although you like someone else,
I want to have my say
Without invading your domain
Or scaring you away.

I respect the choice you made
And all that you decide,
But I would just like you to know
I want you by my side.

As a lake deep in a wood
Awaits a cool, fresh breeze,
I will wait, a patient eye,
While you do as you please.

I know that you don't feel for me
The way I feel for you.
We're good friends, I value that,
There's nothing you need do.

But as a friend I need to tell you
What is in my heart.
An unsaid truth is like a wall,
Keeping us apart.

My love for you will go nowhere,
Will just remain with me.
I'll hold it in my quiet arms
And feel it constantly.

wangmo,

thanx for telling me all this, let me tell you how i feel. realli sorry, wanted to type in chinese, but after the first sentence, i decided to type in english.

I think there exist differences between the two of us, and some of our personality does clash, that is why i think it would be better if we remained as friends. Furthermore, i don't think that i would be together with a senior Probably that is something that i find very hard to accept. Although it would seem dumb to be still bounded by the social norms today, i just can't get over it, that is something that i have to apologise for. The other reason that i could not accept you is that, yes, i do have someone else in my mind. I find it hard to accept someone else.

I noe that a lot of your friends might tell you that i already knew that you liked me, but i really don't. A lot of my friends also asked me if you like me, but my response to them was always a no. Throughout this period, i only felt that we were very good friends, which is something that i treasure, and nothing more, As in, i always felt you treated me as a good friend, and did not have that kind of feelings. And i never thought of it in that manner and it just seemed impossible to me.

Probably this kind of thing is hard to get over within a short period of time. But i guess as time passes, it would get better hopefully. I do hope that we remained as friends.

jiayi


ha ha...so this is the ans i got, i think it is hilarious, i burst out laughing when i saw the first line. anyway, i duno why after seeing this, i felt very relieved, though it still sounded as politically correct as he always sounded, there's truth in it, enough for me to understand all. and yeah, no more confusion and distraction.

generally..my prelim turned out to be rather good! amazing! and unbelievable! i got ABDDE! wad a gd thing to see...but as usual, lit is still lousy with a 16 percentile, and math dropped from 78 to 26 percentile, but other than that, GP is 78%, hist is 71% and art is 74%...haha...not bad siah? cant imagine GP to be so good...and hist, i scored 55 for SEA but 66 for Internaional!!! hahahaha...so good right?! im kinda scared of ms oon...duno how to score for her paper...

erm...then graduation show, i must admit that i think i am damn pretty that day! ha ha...and then...the two bouquets just served to enhanced the situation! ha ha...but the thing is...i did my confession to jy...i cant talk properly in front of him! but he seemed so calm and refined...smiling throughout, but i guess he's only acting to be calm...wad a little retard! haha...so..well..he wants to continue to be friends, guys are always selfish...they dun want to lose a friend...but i'll see how...right now i am still very scared of seeing him in sch.

erm...my revision is way behind schedule and i have no idea how i am gona cope. god bless me!

confession

jiayi,



这几天想了一些事情，觉得应该和你讲清楚，不是为了你，是为了我自己好。拜二那天我真的很紧张，很多时候都表现得语无伦次，有些东西也都没说明白。

是的，我喜欢你，喜欢很久了，不要问我为什么喜欢你，因为连我自己都讲不清楚。只是，很欣赏，又很心疼你的感觉。也许我们太过不同，你有着许多我没有的东西和品质，所以，我被吸引了。就这么简单。



我是一个很奇怪的女孩，对于自己很喜欢的人总是很过分，不论是你，mr loh, ian 还是mr low. 我知道在这一年多里，我对你发了很多次的脾气，经常无理取闹，是我的错，真对不起。也许现在你能明白些，为什么我总是对你那么harsh，我不懂得应该怎么对待你，可能是因为太重要，所以抓得很紧。。。你的出现打破了我在国初平静的生活，但这不是你的错。其实我对你有好感这件事，很多人都早就知道了，如果这对你的“世界”有过什么负面的影响，我想说声对不起。对于我的coursework,我是在鼓起了很大勇气之后才决定用这个题材的，中间曾发生过许许多多令我不想回顾的事情，但是，我还是很庆幸我能够完成它，并能让你看到它，因为它包含着我。。因为你而留下的泪水，绽放的笑容，真的很感谢你的大度和理解。



其实很早的时候我就知道，你心里已经有了一个女孩。明知我和你是不可能的，但我却一直放不开。我明白自己没有你那么优秀，况且，我是学姐；但喜欢就是喜欢，你是知道我的，在一定程度上我是不喜欢被世俗的观念束缚的，但是我觉得你会介意，所以不论是从哪一个角度看，我都没办法说服自己，让我对你，对自己的感情抱有任何的希望，但是，心的选择是没有办法理智的，所以一直喜欢了下去。。。但是我知道这是无果的，只是单纯的想和你继续一起聊天，一起笑，一起开心的笑。。没有别的意图。



有时候不明白，为什么你会那么thick，真的很怀疑你是否真的不知道我喜欢你，周围的朋友，ms chan, ms lu都说你肯定早就知道了。但是你告诉我你不知道，那我就相信你。我真的希望你没有骗我，因为我不想想像自己被人当傻子一样的耍，那会令我很受伤。还有，虽然“继续做朋友”是我自己说的，但这几天发觉到，我好像做不到，因为看到你的时候会很害怕。也许，我需要时间，但是，现在的我真得不知道要应该怎么面对你，甚至有时会很恨你，因为你在无形中伤害到了我的自尊，而很巧的是，我是个自尊心很强的人，有时很想打你两巴掌，可是，真是可笑，你又没做错什么。只是，恐怕你所建议的“和我谈谈”是做不到了，我真的没办法和你面对面的谈话，没办法回到从前那样。也许，你会觉得解脱了吧，我总觉得是我老是麻烦你，而你对我已是疲于应付。



总之，很高兴曾经认识了你这么个朋友，一起工作的日子我不会忘记，谢谢你，没有你我的jc life不会如此多姿多彩，没有你，我也许会一辈子看不起男生。而且，喜欢过你，我从来没有后悔过。如果有一天，我能够过自己这一关，能够再次无拘束地面对你，而你也乐意接受的话，我们也许还能做回朋友，我会期待着这一天的到来。最后，希望你能告诉我你的想法，还有，狠狠地把我骂醒吧，坚定地拒绝我，不要给我你的微笑，不要给我你的包容，我要给我任何可以后退的理由。谢了。



wang mo

独自站在窗台，静静的欣赏窗外的美景，一份从容的心态，加上一份平静的心情，这个夜晚是美好的！
月亮高高的悬挂在空中，星星安分的尾随在它左右，时不时的还朝我眨巴着小眼睛。喜欢这种平静的感觉，感觉心里特别的舒服。
有人说，秋天的夜晚充满着迷幻般的浪漫，当喧哗隐去之后，那月色是令人陶醉的，当流水般的月色洒在窗前，我便陶醉在这片夜色里，心里又出现N个幻想。
这不，我又想起我那毫无道理的暗恋，我有点理不清头绪，因为我找不到暗恋的理由！
暗恋是痛苦的，但若你能把心态摆正，那么暗恋或许会是甜蜜的。暗恋是喜欢对方却又不敢告知对方，那是隐藏在心里不想被任何人所知道的小秘密。暗恋，你找不到暗恋的理由，可你偏偏就是喜欢上对方。如果你是自私型的人，你将会想要把暗恋转为明恋，甚至跑去与对方示爱，结果只有两种，要不被人接受，要不被人说，我们不合适。往往会暗恋别人的人都不适合去表白。其一：她缺乏自信；其二：她知道她的暗恋是无果的。如果暗恋境界能得到升华的话，你将不存在想要去占有的情愫，你只想要站在他的身后默默付出与祝福，这种暗恋又是伟大的，独自一人的时候，细细回味你的暗恋那也是快乐的！因为暗恋仅是暗恋，不会有人受到伤害，甚至比初恋来得更纯洁！
静坐在电脑前，听着歌曲，认真的思考，我到底为啥暗恋你？终于稍有领悟，大概是因为太寂寞及孤独了吧，所以才会依恋上你的陪伴；又或者是我对成熟型的男人有着独特的好感，而你又恰巧是这类型男人，所以我才会被你给吸引吧；当然这种好感，也来自你若干的关心与问候！如果没有你的关心做后盾，我相信我的暗恋也得不到升华呀！但，就在目前没有你陪伴的日子里，那种情愫似乎渐渐被时间给冲淡了。当然，我不否认开始的时候有着强烈的思念及期盼，但随着时间与距离的推移，那种思念也随风而逝了，那份期盼也化为乌有。因此，我终于明白，这份暗恋完全来自寂寞，如果没有这份寂寞，就不会对你产生依赖。如果不产生依赖，或许就没暗恋的来临！
有时候，我觉得寂寞的来临就像被蚂蚁缠身，蚂蚁虽小，却能赢过大象，它在你身上轻轻的咬上一口，不会出血，也咬不出很大的伤口，却让人感觉隐隐作痛，甚至极为难受。所以，我又觉得寂寞是可怕的。平凡的我们最好不要轻易去招惹寂寞，还是安分的过着生活吧。

p.s: I passed Lit..got a D

well, i got back art hist, not bad, for the first time i got higher than karen, ok, i shouldnt have said that. oh well...but i barely got a B, and winston said there's no one who got A, for theory. And i dun think there's any chance for me to get an A for coursework, so i shall just be settled on a B.

As for math, i am not that worried cos i am quite sure that if i do my practices and things like that, i will be able to score, it's just a matter of how much many questions i practice. i am aiming for an A and i die die must get it...irritating...sighz

for Lit...i seriously dun know how to improve...just got back dio's paper, passed, got 14 but then it's kind of still bad. same mark as CT2...sosad..and again i failed whitby's paper, one 9 and one 13...i just cant do compare and contrast and whitby is really sharp at pointing out weaknesses, yes, i am still struggling with surface content how am i going to even go into deeper analysis? it's just a wrong choice choosing lit, and h2 is just even more diff, i bet i failed all 3 papers again. sighz, but i seriously don't want to fail any subjects in prelim, math is already bad enough...

hist...i dun even dare to think of it, ms oon is just too scary, she sounded so fierce and i know all of us did badly and there's no such luck as i am the only one who did fairly well, no, no such thing one, i will suffer together with all the rest.
and come on, i tot guided democracy is parliamentry democracy...-_-''no it is not! it is a maximum government!

i am just so screwed...and cant believe i am still talking to jy online right now.

It's been so long, prelim results were expectedly bad, it's ok, i will work hard for my alevels.

Coursework is finally done, im surprised that im actually quite happy with my prep work, anyway, it's 60% of an alevel subject done, i shall concentrate on my other subjects now. seriously, i am not afraid of any other subjects except literature, i duno how to prepare for it, it's just too hard to do, i give up.

im still thinking if i shld talk to jy, if i shld continue to be like this, being infatuated, being friends with him or shld i take the opportunity to disappear since alevel is coming and school ends next friday...

what a coincidence, art make up lesson during the study break is on every mon aftnoon, i hope i wont get to see him but somehow, part of me is happy that i can have some excuse to see him again. how stupid...i duno..i seriously duno what i am doing with my life, it's just so super scary, im like being sucked into this cycle of no return. i just cant stop liking him, for no reason, i duno why i like him.

life seems just too weird...im beginning to miss nj, in the past, i cant imagine myself missing this school which gave me so much pains and sadness, but here, in this place, stored my fond and sad memories, my life, 2 yrs of life. happy or sad, i've left my shadows behind here, i've shed my tears i can hear the resonance of my laughters, the friendships i gained here, the heartbeat, everything, time really flies, it passes so fast, i could hardly adjust to it. i still couldnt believe im in yr 2 and here i am, ending my jc life. how is it that i got here, i duno, through all the quarrels, all the problems all the excitements i arrived here...i know my entry does not make sense, i duno how to make any sense out of it when im so confused right now, life is such an unpredictable thing.

i am so not used to leave a place what i've lived for 2yrs, and most importantly, i am leaving behind an untold story of mine, my secret love for this guy, and i have used my own unique way to present it in front of people, i want it to be implicit but somehow, due to the fact that it is for marking, i cant keep it too implicit, i duno what will be the reactions of the management who will get to see it in a few days time. but somehow, i want them to see, no i dun want...i also duno...the only person that i dun want him to see is jy himself, i am afraid of seeing his reaction after seeing my coursework, i am afraid of getting an answer, i think it is best to keep things this way, until we wont get to see each other ever again, sometimes things are beautiful when no one points out the truth, beautiful things might turn ugly when the truth floats above the surface...i am not yet ready for such things, i kept on asking myself...is it really what i want? may be not, may be yes, i duno, i am so confused now, i want to paint his face on the wall, but no i dun want...i duno...shit..why people...why human beings tend to regret about the decisions made by themselves???? i hate this...serious!