horoscope and wang mo...i still love him!!!

今天的数学真的考砸了，有40多分的题没做，就更别提做错的了。我从没像今天考完这样害怕过。这次真的是栽了。这次我真的是跑神了，不论是在学业，生活还是爱情方面都跑神了。可气的是，国初从没有moderation的习惯！也不知道为什么，考完之后很害怕，又很伤心，就给他发了个短信，忘了他还在上课，不过他还是马上发了回来，他跟我说不要担心，要往好的方面看，从另一个角度看事物，要想：不管怎么样，数学总算是考完了。
也不知道为什么，他的话总是听起来很有道理，看到他的短信心里就好受多了，踏实了。他说话做事真的不像是比我小，哈，倒是我做起事来特别不稳重，整天多愁善感，疯疯癫癫的。他总是能容忍我，体谅我，照顾我。真不知道我是哪根筋不对了，之前还一直不理他，还要跟他绝交，就算只是普通朋友，他也算是那种“钻石”级别的，会为我着想的超级好人，我老是犯傻。
之前不和他讲话的那一阵真的很难熬，我们见面很尴尬，两人都想要打招呼又没说出口，但又不愿意假装看不到（不知道为啥我们俩谁都不能做到漠视对方，见面时老是呆呆地对望一下，然后尴尬地走过彼此）。不知道他是怎么想的，反正我是真的有些受不了。本来他msn nickname 从来都只是[jiayi]，自从我们停止说话之后，开始有了别的字句，一开始是“时间能使人忘掉一切，甚至一些不想忘记的东西。”后来变成：“Does it ever matter to you?-Im not bleeding but it realli hurts here”也许我有些敏感吧，但我总是觉得他有些受伤了。
我其实是个很缺乏安全感的女孩，去年mr low就对我说过，他说我并没有我自己想象中那样坚强。真的，我明白的。我是个外表很强硬，内心却很脆弱的女孩儿。我表面上对男生们很“狠”，好像一个女权主义者似的，但我内心是渴望着浪漫美好爱情的。因为我是双鱼座女孩嘛。最近很迷星座之类的东西，唉，我终于像其他女孩子一样落俗套了。爱情的魔力！真的，你看准不准，我觉得挺准的。
双鱼白羊座：新生的交界
　　3/19-3/24
　　黄道宫位置：约在双鱼座27度-白羊座4度
　　季节：冬末初春(春分)
　　元素：水、火
　主宰行星：海王星、火星
　　象征符号：鱼、公羊
　　理解事物的方式：感受、直觉
　　双鱼白羊融合了黄道12宫的最后一宫双鱼座，和第一宫白羊座的特征，这一段时间可比拟为人类刚出生的阶段，它字面上的意义正代表着星象学里新生的开始，因此，双鱼白羊可说是代表重生、新生的区间。许多文明地区都将春分视为一年开始(在北半球大约是3月21日)。各种不同语言中表示春天的字，也都特别强调此意，例如：意大利文的primavera、法文的printemps、荷兰文的voorjaar。从这里便可看出先人对周年循环的卓越见解与智能，星象学家和先人大多不将1月1日当做一年的起始，反而把春分，也就是3月21日，当做新的一年的第一天。
　　在这一周出生的人，不仅拥有双鱼座爱幻想、做梦、安静及敏感的特性，同时也表现出白羊座率直、暴躁易怒的个性。
　　他们处理生活的方式非常率直，这样的坦率虽然颇受他人赞赏，却也常遭人误解。他们是崇尚基本、原始的人，虽然也都自认为用了最简单、清楚的方式来看待事物，但是熟识他们的人，却常将他们形容成不切实际的幻想家，无法处理世俗生活的真实面。他们表面上看起来十分率真直接，实际上却相当敏感、冲动，甚至焦躁不安。因此，他们虽然是实践家，却也是不折不扣的梦想家。
　　出生在这个区间的人经常会遭到误会。事实上，双鱼白羊的人除了心思单纯外，在贡献时间和金钱方面，也颇慷慨、大方，可惜往往在别人发觉这项优点之前，他们早就被认定为太高傲，所以其施舍的态度反而会使得接受的人忿怒不已，这点总让双鱼白羊的人感到十分为难，甚至因此受到伤害。不幸的是，这种情形在他们的生活中屡见不爽。事实上，他们表现得越直接、简单，别人对他们动机的误解也越深。
　　此外，他们快速的理解力和凭直觉、预感行事的作风，也往往会招惹行动较慢者的反抗。但是别人的反应对他们的影响并不大，顶多令他们感到不耐烦而已。因此，在团体中，他们必须学会克制自己的急性子，多聆听别人的建议，舒缓自己的行事步调，配合团体的节奏。总之，这一周出生的人必须学会在发言、行动前先仔细衡量后果；如此一来，他们的逻辑能力将变得更具说
服力，严密的态度也会叫人刮目相看。
　　纵使他们从别人的反应中，知道自己的某些行为不甚妥当，但是一般而言，双鱼白羊的人都会拒绝改变。他们无法真正看清自己言行的缺点或错误，在他们自己的眼中，他们只是凭直觉做事而已。于是不论是否遭受阻力，他们总是我行我素。
　　双鱼白羊很难面对或处理失败。在他们的字典中，没有“失败”这两个字，因此，一旦遭遇困难和挫折，便会显得很困惑、不知所措。他们防御失败的能力很强；不过，他们免除挫折的方法便是拒绝去承认。他们不致于不切实际到将失败看成胜利，他们只是常把失败当做胜利之前的小挫折，认为这是暂时将胜利的时间稍微延后而已。
　　一般人可以经由学习来跟双鱼白羊的人好好相处。其中的一个准则是：千万别探究他们的动机，或是强迫他们去解释。另外，也别去分析他们的人格特质，或要求他们自我分析。善用例子鼓励他们客观看待自己，要比训诫他们有效多了。这不表示双鱼白羊的人无法从错误中学到教训，只是必须时时有人鼓励他们如此努力下去。
　　跟双鱼白羊的人相处，还有一项更简单的方法，那就是按照他们的意思做事--至少在他们面前如此。不要在他们兴致勃勃时泼他们冷水，尝试稍后再提出更好的意见，他们就会接受。认同双鱼白羊的冲劲、预感和行动力是一件很重要的事，用忠告或建议来否定他们的直觉，只会使他们自动疏远你。爱扫兴和挫折他们动力的人，是很难和他们长久和乐共处的。
　　双鱼白羊可以算是对感情忠诚的人，可是他们的忠诚，并不是一般认知的一对一的那种。他们可以深深地、热情地爱人，投注许多注意力在爱侣的身上，可惜却无法长期忠于一人。他们无法抗拒新刺激的诱惑。一般来讲，他们会期许伴侣能扮演更稳固或长期隐忍的角色，可是，他们不会要求伴侣也遵守一夫一妻制的忠诚关系。从很多案例来看，双方都抱持较开放的态度，会有助于彼此间关系的发展，因为这样可减轻自己轻率行为所引发的罪恶感。
　　大抵而言，双鱼白羊在为人父母后，会比孩提时期表现得好。他们对子孙的忠诚度和责任感，远高于自己年轻时对长辈的表现。家庭对这些十分独立的人具有强烈的意义，而且，所谓的“家庭”，就广义而言，还包括了朋友和同事
　　优点：率直、热情、直觉强烈
缺点：易遭人误会、缺乏耐性、不切实际
　　建议最重要的课题是学着培养耐性。经由与别人共事的机会，建立社交技巧。控制自己的鲁莽和急性子，慎重拿捏尺寸。多认识自己。
怎么样？和我很像吧？有时候有些东西真的很难说。。。我不清楚他对我的看法，他总是游刃于清楚和模糊之间。当我觉得他不喜欢我的时候，周围的朋友却对我说他其实对我比对别人特别。在画UOB的那段时间，我总是在暗房外面画，有几次他就会蹲在我旁边看着我画，一边看一边和我聊天。后来慧敏看到了，他对我说他的举动是很不寻常的，因为第一，普通人不会看着普通朋友画画看那么久，第二他是个惜时如金的人，那么个大忙人要不是对我有特别情感是不会浪费时间看我画画的。第三，同时那么多人正在画画，为什么只看我？可是，虽然慧敏这样说，我还是不肯定，我们俩在一起讲话时很random，什么都聊。。。有一次很尴尬。我们聊着聊着就说到了长大后的志向。他说他想要当医生。我说：“那完了，咱们路不同不相为谋”，谁知他突然接着说：“我又没说我要娶个医生当老婆！”当时我突然觉得心跳加速，然后不知怎的就说了句让我后悔的话：“你想到哪里去啦，我说的是做朋友啦！”天哪老师，我都不知道要怎么样好了。后来我们彼此沉默了好久，好尴尬哦！还有几次，快要考试了，我总是待在暗房里读书。他也来，那时暗房里只有我们俩，我们从两点一只学到六点，知道他妈妈来接他，有说有笑的。后来从别的执委那里听说原来他以前并不会去暗房读书的。。。后来我跟他“断交”了，此之后我就不再去暗房了，却发现他也不出现在那里了。之后的他不是在图书馆就是再canteen里学习。星期二那天，碰巧我也在canteen读书，他放课之后大约快五点了，就坐在canteen里学习，谁知道他偏偏就坐在了我对面，正对面，但是中间隔了十多行，可是因为那时挺晚的了，又是考试期间，canteen几乎没人，所以我们俩就这样尴尬地，离得很远却又面对面地读书，中间没有一个人！那种气氛，我差点没窒息喽！后来我不知道是不是他也感到不舒服，第二天我还在同样的位子读书，就没看到他，可就那么巧，我的朋友在图书馆看到他，和前一天同一时间，但他却选择了去图书馆读书，因为之前他又看到我还在canteen.
“不说话”之后两人倒是见面的次数越来越多了，昨天我真的是忍不住了，一直被朋友们骂，终于我给他发了个email，向他道歉，并告诉他我是个性格上有很多缺点的人，所以是不是要继续当我的朋友要考虑清楚。谁知他竟然很快就会了信，大约在五分钟之内吧。以下是他的回信的内容：
haha, yeah, we will talk next time right? haha, at least a hi((:
anyways, good luck for ur promos, and i just got back my chinese paper, i din fail((: more than half of the cohort failed.

all the best for promos


男生们是不是都这样，懵懵懂懂的？我总是觉得，女生们想得太多，而男生们却想得太少！而他们并不能在现阶段进入一段真正的感情。而且嘉易又是个很稳中，很成熟，很顾大局的男孩。我想他应该是那种会将学业和事业放为前提和重心的人。所以我的希望很小吧。。。可是我就是不能忘了他，怎么都不行。唉，人在自残的时候谁都不会后悔，直到痛彻心肺。。。他是我的世界的全部，我却不知道自己在他的世界里是属于哪一个角落，扮演着什么样的角色。。。真的没了自我了。。。
if who i am is what i have and what i have is lost, then, who am i?

im doing him injustice

i think for most of the time, im bullying him, i've been unfair to him, i told him to severe ties but did not tell him why, suddenly we changed from friends to strangers,so sudden, it's not really fair to him, and not fair to myself either. I thought that if i stop talking to him, things will get better, but it seems to go the other way round, we seem to meet each other more often, and everytime we see each other, it's an awkward situation, you dont know whether to say "hi" or not, and in the end both stare at each other for a few seconds and then walk away. I dun think i can tolerate this much longer. Im really tired of having to pretend that i never see him, i dun want to talk to him. It is a fact that i MISS HIM LIKE HELL! and my friends all told me to save this friendship before it is too late, even if we cant be that kind of "friends", as a normal friend, he's also the "diamond" type, i wont want to lose a friend like him just becos of some unknown reason. juz bcos of my crazy six sense that told me that im not suppose to talk to him.
I love photog and im going back, i dun care if ppl say im thick skinned. I've thought for a long time and i realised that i shld live my life, it's stupid to quit because you think others will uncomfortable becos of ur presence. and it's so stupid to quit becos of him, from today onwards, i shall live my life.
i shld have realised that i meant nothing in his life. He's happy even without a friend call wangmo. he's really happy with his own friends and classmates, i dun need to worry for him not having good friends to share his worries. afterall, he's such an angel type of person, who will not want to be his friends?? ha. Im being so silly to worry abt him being unhapppy. really, i mean nothing in his life, so it is quite stupid to make him be the"everything" in my life. For so long he's been the center of my entire life while i guess im only a tiny little part of his vibrant sch life. i meant nothing to him but he meant everything to me. im being extremely silly, i cant live without him but he can live perfectly well without me. so things are not right. love should be equal, balanced. i shall change myself, because there's nothing wrong with him, it's me who's got problem, he never ask me to put him as the most impt person in my life, he never ask me to focus my life on him, it's all my own bloody problems.

ok, finally, i shld just live my life the way he's living his life. and things might go well this way

自残的时候谁都不会后悔，直到痛彻心肺的那一刻。
一时的冲动伤害了自己，结果痛到现在。
放弃吧，让一切都过去吧，顺其自然，缘来惜缘，缘去随缘。一切以平常心对待吧。

我的初恋，就这样慢慢远去了。。。淡淡的刻骨铭心的滋味，不好受，但却很深刻。

What does he mean?

1) when i asked what he wana be when he grow up, he said doctor. He said that he's interested in science and math and will fall asleep during humans class. Then i sighed and say, then we are so different...we'll go separate ways in future. Then he suddenly said,"But i never i want my wife to be doctor wad!"

2) When i told my CCA tcher that i want to quit, during the emergency exco meeting which was held to discussing about my problem, my tcher asked every exco to give their opinions and he only said one sentence,"think again, please think again" in a very soft voice, light tone,aiya, i duno, just that whatever he said was barely audible and the entire meeting whatever he said was very soft and i cant hear most of what he said.

3) After i handed in the resignation letter, i sent him a mail and said that we shld severe ties as in not stay in contact. Then he emailed "But there is one thing that i am gonna disagree. u noe ur previous mail says dun stay in contact. can we disagree on that. we should keep in touch."

4) then i eplied his mail and said we really shldnt keep in touch as since our friendship started cos of photog might as well end it when im leaving photog. Then he said"yeah, ok, it will take time..."

5) then usually his msn nick is only his name but then yesterday it became,"时间可以让人忘掉一切，甚至一些不想忘记的东西"

6)and today, the nick id "does it ever matter to you?"

sigh, i'll never know what he's thinking....

To Lydia...

Dear Lydia, it's hard for me to do that. Really, the fact that im saying that im losing myself bit by bit is because...the "brave" wang mo is no longer existing. He's the first guy i've ever felt so much in loved with. I am willing to do anything for him. Im willing to travel all the way back from innova jc in woodlands back to NJ just to have a ten min talk with him, im willing to sacrifice my revision time just to help him organise a competition, im willing to stay back with him, just to accompany him do his hw. But don't get him wrong, all these he doesn't know, as in, he didnt know i sacrificed so much, everytime he asks me to do something he's very concerned if im willing to or im free or not, if he has the slightest idea that im busy, he will not ask me. But i would rather help him cos whenever i hear him saying he's busy and has headache my heart ache too. it's really painful to see the exhausted look on his face...sometimes i think he's too responsible...he does almost everything for both photog and strings. And he has to juggle with his studies and other posts in his class. I want to help him, really, and after months of working together, we've built a sense of trust btw each other, everytime there's something impt, he'll think of me and i will think of him. The two of us can talk for a long time or sit opp. each other doing things quietly without a sound alone in darkroom but not feel a sense of uneasiness or awkwardness. sometimes i'll juz stare at him...and i found that he has a tendancy to stare at me too, but i don't know what it signifies. anyway, im very distracted now, i really really cant stop thinking of him and i keep looking out for him in sch, everytime he talks, the gentle voice will make me feel like...i want to stop at that moment, and make it into an eternity. When i first started liking him, i dont have a reason, but after i've really fallen in love with him, his everything becomes the reason for me to love him. I do not know if he feels the same way towards me or not, but i believe he just takes me as a very good friend cos he's not the kind of guy who's very good at this knid of things, but im sure that, if i don't unveil my feelings to him, our friendship will remain there forever, but if i tell him the truth, there's a danger to the precious friendship which i so treasured. I'm not willing to risk this...and i do not know if he has anyone whom he likes, but im sure, if there's really one person whom he likes, i would wish him happiness, i would never be selfish and try to snatch him, cos i know i really like him, when you really like someone, you will want him to be happy, u'll rather suffer yourself than letting him suffer. And right now, i don't want to add any turbulence to his busy and packed life, he's studies are important, he's so outstanding, i don't want him to be burdened or troubled by my feelings towards him...

I'm thinking of him....

I think, he's the only guy in my entire 18 yrs of life who mattered that much to me. I think, i am serious this time. Have you ever experienced the feeling of wanting to see someone for every single second? Do you hate to have holidays just because during holidays, you dont get to see him? Do you feel like smsing him every tiny little bits of things that happened to you? DO you save every single smses he sents you?Do you spend all day thinking of his face, trying to figure out how you look in his eyes? Do you...if you feel this way towards a guy, like me, you are in love. Yes, I am quite sure this time, that i like, or love him, to the extent that yesterday, the first thing i did when i got home was to check my mail and see if he e-mailed me instead of checking for UOB's e-mail. ha, i get sad when i see him talking to other girls. I feel small and insignificant infront of him, he's like the star in the sky, whom i can only admire from afar. I don't know why, when we work together, i will be very unnatural and especially fierce to him.A failed attempt to cover up my infatuation? ha, what a childish wangmo.I am troubled now, his birthday is coming, everyone around me tells me to take it as an opportunity to reveal my love to him. But im scared, i never thought im such a coward until today. I really don't dare, what if he doesn't like me? I will add burdens to his already ultra busy school life. He's in the leadership position in every area, class, CCAs...his studies are good, his photographic skills very pro, he plays violine like a...i don't know how to explain, just that...he's the kind of guy who's most charming when he's concentrating. I duno, i feel like keeping this special feeling to my heart only, i don't want to reveal it, i know that, if i tell him, even he doesnt like me, he will not say it out straight away, he will care for my feelings and blame himself. And i don't want him to feel like that...i don't want him to feel burdened because of my feelings, tough karen says he treats me differently from others, i dont have the confidence to believe it, he's so good. I duno, but, i really do feel the pain, deep in my heart, it's really painful when you cant tell the one whom you love with all your heart, whose life you care more than your own life that you LOVE him. But it's my choice, i'll rather suffer alone than to make him troubled..
有一朵云，被一支猎人射偏的箭射中了。她没有喊痛，还暗暗地感到欢喜，她以为是被爱神的箭射中了，于是，她便爱着他，身不由己浑身是伤地爱着他。。。为了他的幸福，她宁愿自己痛苦着。只要他能幸福快乐，她就会觉得满足，在她以后的生命中，虽没有他的身影，但却永远有着一个属于他的角落。。。永远在那里。。。