It's been years, since the last entry.
Many many many many things happened in these 2 years. I don't know how to start.
I lost the password to this blog, and i stopped blogging, but I found it today, sometimes, somethings are easy to retrieve back. However, there are so many things in life that, once you've lost them,there's no way for you to get them back. Never.
I really want to move on, but no one actually has taught me how too. My life is drama, I did not intend to be drama, but this is what life gave me, it is my natural response. I am just different.
Grandma, i normally do not confide in you my problems, last time i often was too proud to confide my real problems to anyone. I thought I can manage, I thought I could manage. It turns out that, no, I can't, I can never ever be able to reach where i am now all by myself. I often neglect those who are ready to help...those who are around me.
You know how much I miss you when finally admitted that i've lost you. those people out there, those people who are telling me that they are sorry to here about your passing, they don't not understand at all, i doubt they really gave a shit about what actually happened to you. I hate people when they just say things for the sake of saying them. That's why I cant make myself like the british, they arent as true and straightforward as we do grandma, words like, 'i'm so sorry, how dreadful, my condolences, my heart goes to...' arhhh...so casual to me, i don't trust a single thing in them.
grandma, to be honest, i don't understand you at all, you know i love you this much, but you actually never did consider me as your top priority did you? I knew it since years ago, but it didnt matter, but now it matters, i thought, the least you could do is to keep yourself alive and be healthy, that's all im asking for, if you do that, i'd not mind if im not your most loved grandchild, but now i mind, because you gave up, i hate you for that!
how can you leave me all alone on this bloody cold planet, i know i have friends, i know i have my parents, i know i have my teachers. but guess what grandma, they cant be used to replace you, not even 10% of you, even if you add them up altogether. no, no way...i am alone.
i just miss you miss you miss you, how do you think i can go back to your house this summer, how do u think i can face our tree and our cats and our fond memories??? what's the matter with you? can't you just come back?? I hate school, i hate the place...it's pretentious and it's restraining me.
