So today is the day for final presentation to the school management, for all the hardworks, taking photos, videos, editing, we realised that modern technology can juz fail you at the very moment when u need it the most. this was how it went, we were doing some last minute editng for the video on the sch comp, 20 min before the presentation, we tried to save it, but somehow, the video juz cant be saved...you need 766min..this is ridiculous, we tried all methods...CD, thumbdrive, sdcard...nothing...it cant even be saved on the desktop..-_-''', so we went into the conference room, totally demoralised, pissed and unprepared, who the hell knows wad's gonna happen to the 6+ minutes that's originally designed for the video? we presented, we tried our best, the supervisors and p and vp are pretty nice la, smiling all the way..so it seems that we passed our assessments, erm, the extending of our internship part is funny, Mdm Tay is very straightforward, she's so cute, she told us that, to put simple, they welcome us as interns cos we will be then, paid by moe, but if we want to be relief tchers, then too bad, no money.cos the sch has to pay. hahaha...anyway...we did raise some points lah, regarding relif tching, how the present tchers made it even harder for us when they dun collect the hw the nxt day, making the stu think that wadever work given by the relief tchers are unimportant...-_-'''

and...i struck lottery today, got 3c and 4c...sigh...


actually, lots of things happened in the past few days, i'm really too tired to recount, but one incident made me felt like crying...and one of the other interns told me that when she talked to her parents about her experiences here, she talked and talked and then burst into tears...and...for me, when i went to complain to mr teo, i also talked and talked the up to a point my voice was choked with emotions, it's really hard..i dun think im good enough to be a tcher, i am very lost about how i want to continue now...so...i kept on drawing...trying to draw, and eventually, i realised im quite "hollow" now, in the sense that, even drawing cant bring me any much happiness...i use to feel really happy last time, is it true that, as u get old, u get more and more unhappy? may be it's just me...







So...here's wad i did to my sketch book, one day, i hope i can step out of the shadow...the unhappy memories of nj aep and hold a paintbrush again, but now, for the time being, i can't, felt like crying whenever i try to paint...im too traumatised...the power of a teacher, evil power, up till now i believe he still did not feel sorry for what he had done to me, it's worse than killing me, because, he killed my passion for art...he killed it...how am i going to face my paintings in future? how am i going to face it? how? how? how? i duno...i no longer know anything, i no longer care about anything very much now...it's all been too painful for me, i hope, i just hope i could forget about all these...forget about them...

I am shocked to realise that I have sore throat again this morning, seems that I am never going to recover from this cold ever again, it's becoming like a cycle. So on my way to school, I hoped I could get a manageable class.

Well, luck always seem to run dry whenever I need it the most, I got to relief 4 periods of pe classes, and to make the matter worse, I got 4B again. A class that i never want to step in in future. When I was even half way walking towards their classroom, i could see them swarming towards me, that very moment i felt like turning and running away from them. Later, I spent most of my energy trying to make sense to them that they cannot have their pe lesson because their pe tcher is on mc, i cant believe that sec4 students could be so immatured. anyway, reluctantly they returned to their classroom, and the moment i stepped into the classroom, i decided to ignore them, just like the way they ignored me, since reasons cant make them release who they are, what they should do, then may be silence could. and wow, it did work, to my wildest believes, it realli did work, they became much quieter, probably because they could not get any attention from me even if they do funny things, cos i am determined to treat them as transparent.

so, with these 2 periods, I happily completed 2 of my drawings...pencil drawings of flowers. Here they are...





Incomplete..to be continued


You know wad, finally i've come to realise the inseparable relationship between painting/drawing and me. It helps me to relief my stress and my unhappiness, and at the end of the day, after I've completed my work, nothing matters more than it, so i'll forget about all the unhappy and ugly stuff...i love art..that's all i can say.

So today is the Olevel release day, seeing the nervous students waiting for their results...it seems so familiar, just about 2 years ago, I was among the thousands of kids waiting for my olevel results and the trauma still stays in mind memories...I cant forget the disappointment that I've felt when i saw my results, I was among one of the better ones for prelims and i think im the only few ones who scored lower in Olevel than in prelim. Hope History wont repeat itself for my Alevels, but...history always repeats itself...sigh...what should i do if i dun score well?

BGSS did well this year, i cant believe that their physics(pure) is like, 77.8 percent distinction! wow, almost all subjects improved, art was...ehhh...30+% distinction? haha...good job BGSS! Keep up! :)

Asked mr low, he told me that DHS did very well, much better, better than our year.congrats dunman high!

《苏幕遮.绝情》
断愁绪，空山居，天涯旧痛，浸染入秋意。
缘尽纷飞誓不续，时近寒冬，问他可寻觅？
缈苍穹，淡别离，此情已去，愿君多回忆。
我欲孤身走四季，悲恨相续，漠然无耳语。




I don't want to say Goodbye
Let the satars shine through
I don't want to say Goodbye
All I want to do is Live with you...

Went back to nj ysd, was a tiring journey back there, took me ard1.5 hrs to reach. Thanks to jiayi for opening the darkrm. anyway, met up with junzhan and started work right away. Bunt half way i went out to have a walk ard the school that once belonged to me...well, it seems different yet..so familiar.

met mr loh at the library, I AM SO HAPPY TO SEE HIM, trust me, he's juz so so so so so nice, had a long chat with him. really shld meet up with him sometimes soon, like may be tmr? haha.

Went back to dm and continued the documentation with junzhan, we did this until almost 10pm, well, junzhan and i are both perfectionists and he's very slow and im very fussy. we tried all ways to get the best lightings, including spoiling torchlight and taking off saftlight stuff...wellwellwell...haha...oh...the best part of ysd was jiayi's joke. well, it's not a joke actually. he rushed back fro..."duno where" to lock up dm only to realise that we are not yet done, but he said he really have to rush home so he decided to give the key to us then we'll hide it somewhere for him to retrieve it the nxt morning. he told us to put it on top of the red safelight, and rmb to leave a chair outside...we tot it was to function as some signs or what then jy said, the chair is to be there so that he could use it to reach for the key tmr...wah piang eh!!! hahaha...that's a gd one, it was juz too funny...his sense of humour has realli improved! but at the end, we actually realised that 1 chair is actually too short for him cos even junzhan has to tiptoe on the chair in order to put the key...so..gd luck to jy.

today is another bad day in tching, continued reliefing 1/3 for english and the kids juz refuse to do their works so i got pissed off and dragged them out of class and lectured 3 boys. sighz....

很多想法~，很多心理话~
很多想法，很多心里话。不知对谁说？周围的人太熟悉了，熟悉也未免是些好事。他们对你了如指掌，完全了解你的思想，完全掌握你的模式，我需要一个和我保持距离，听懂我的意思，能站在我的立场帮我参谋的人。
朋友很多了，朋友不少了。我的生活因他们而丰富起来不少。我谢谢他们，但我又知道这“浮华”的背后磨去了我很多灵锐的东西，纯洁的东西，单纯的想法，甚至异想天开，滑稽的笑话。
你说我长大了吗？我说我变老了。呵呵，2008年，我二十了。虽然还没有过生日，但生命的蜕变已经在我体内感受到了；思想的“成熟”已经在我脑海内蔓延开了；灵魂的升华已经在我躯体上飘然了了。
我变老了。~~呵呵~
都说20是一个青春年华，我知道，我明白。但总有种东西告诉我你变了很多。我不想从女孩变成女人。直到如今才切身体会到原来是如此怀念有幼稚的童年，青少年。
少年不识愁滋味，爱上层楼。爱上层楼，为赋新词强说愁。
而今识尽愁滋味，欲说还休，欲说还休，却道天凉好个秋。
这就是多少代人只有经历过来的“少壮不努力，老大徒伤悲了”。
其实说这么多，有些跑题了。我本想说........
有很多话，很多想法，不知如何说，不知对谁说？感慨“好孩子，还是自己领悟，警醒吧”。

我不是觉得不幸福，我身边有很多人，多的我有些顾及不过来。我知道这些浮华的背后是一半的虚无，因为你面对他们，你无法预知未来，你也不知道最后到底什么会是属于你，什么又终将会离开你。现在面对他们又有一种束手无策，无能为力的心虚。
害怕自己看到将来，若只有掌控现在，又出现“人无远虑，必有近忧”的担心和后怕。在这畏畏缩缩中，摸索前进着我的生活，我的有限生命，有限生活。

发现如今人们都很爱写东西，换句话说是敲东西。于是诞生了博客, my space，等等等等还有很多我不知道的东西。把人们联系再一起。这种联系产生了平台，写日志，写心情，贴图片，发照片。放佛网络上的家园才是自己心灵栖息的净土，在这里才是思想回归的乐园。到最后，又希望每一个人都看到，欢迎回帖，踩上几脚，坐个沙发，帮忙顶贴的更是感谢连连。殊不知，在这些为了给人看的文字间，到底是否是他的真实想法，还是写来.....给人们看看。说了这么多，我自己也是使用者之一，也重复着如上的步骤：注册，登陆，账户，密码，查看，更新......循循复复。这也许就叫做：假作真时真亦假，真作假时假亦真。

我的生活：迷惘与信念；积极与乐观；飘忽与执着；一切一切，每时每刻，都在上演着舞台幕剧，开幕，上场；谢幕，下台。唯一不知道观众是谁，其实，观众是自己，人生如戏，演给自己而已。

So it's another monday, monday blues?

Early in the morning, missed my bus, forgot to bring my history book. But luckily, reached school on time and realised that my supervisor is on MC. Well, that's how I got my full day relief job, Mr Lee gave Mrs Choo's entire timetable to me, so I'm supposed to teach SS, Hist and even Geog and English. OOps, not teach but relief, yeah, hope that the students are gona be nice to me later.

Had Sushi in the morning, was surprised at my own changes, just barely a year ealier i was still resisting all kinds of jap food.

Back from having 6 periods of classes now. Exhausted, yes, and i wasnt even teaching. sigh, never knew that teaching can be so hard. well,4/1 was a good class, a bit noisy but they will do their works. but 4B was juz a group of monkeys, some of them are older than me, and they wont listen to anyone..no one..no way..they gang up with 4A and loitered btween these 2 classes...sigh, then mr teo came and he caned one of the boys...wow...it's the first time i see a caning case!

then..followed by 4/3..english lesson, sighsighsigh...im juz so tired...

总觉得有些人或者事物就在你眼前流过 而你却捕捉不到他们 这是为什么呢? 是上天对你开的玩笑 亦或是神对你的考验? 我不知道,也不想知道.或许我们早已习惯了这种流逝而已经忘记去问为什么了吧....为什么有那么多值得珍惜的东西从我们眼前流过呢? 是因为我们不够努力还是我们根本就没有努力而只是想一想就放弃了呢?也许二者都有吧.

在这世上唯一不需要努力就能获得的东西就是年龄了..所以凡事都要努力去尝试一下吧 那样才不会给自己留个遗憾啊..但凡是都要量力而行啊(这句话不是在抽自己嘴吧吗,算了 反正也是胡写呢),要是差距太大了就不要勉强自己了啊.

所谓放弃该放弃的是一种成长,放弃不该放弃的是一种无奈,不放弃该放弃的是一种无知,而不放弃不该放弃的是一种执着.总之抓住你身边能够抓住的人或事物,放弃该放弃的东西..知道你自己内心真正想要的东西是什么,那才是你的最有解(我的最优有在何处呢..)

逃避不一定躲得过
面对不一定最难过
孤单不一定不快乐
得到不一定能长久
失去不一定不再拥有
你可能因为某个理由而伤心难过
但你却能找个理由让自己快乐

down with flue...

Im not sure how life is going to be for me, it seems, as i am approaching 20 years old in 2 months time, i am becoming more and more confused about my life. I might seem to be the ever confident girl boasting in front of you how she thinks she can be a future politician, BUT...im actually the one whose most uncertain about almost everything.

I am a failure in a lot of things.

Life is just unfair and can never be fair, the strong ones will triumph while the weak ones will slowly disappear...the competition is cruel but it's REAL.

After i started teaching, finally i realised the meaning of being in the society, i cant be myself, just cant. and on top of that, i just felt that life doesnt always go the way i want it to go, this is to say that i KNOW it already, felt it, experienced it, so it is no longer just an abstract saying that i always hear from my parents.

As an arts person, i wont deny that i am sentimental, volatile? well, i prefer not to use a word that has negative indications but...emotional yes. i cant forget about something or somebody easily, as long as that thing or that persons has appeared in my life and became important for a period of time, it will not be forgotten. bad, yes, think it's very bad for me. Right now im trying hard to forget about someone, forget about the gd times i spent with him, forget about the good things that he made learn. But it's just so hard...i just hope..one day, i will finally be able to do it, i believe forgetting can be hard, but it is never impossible to forget...may be, i shld just not try so hard so that it might be easier?


I'm a gal with dreams, i want to be let go of, i no longer want to force myself to achieving anything,i want to live in my dreamland...i am really tired..

Had a long chat with karen ysd at pizza hut, our topics ranged from memories in the old schools like dhs and nj, relationships, marriage and future careers. felt really happy to talk to friends, i mean real gd and clos friends. Though i was not feeling well, i kept talking on and on...

well, when we talked abt relationships, it juz developed from gossips to serious views, we started off by relating to tcher's relationships and marriages, in the end we concluded the theory that a relationship tends to last longer and more sweet if it is the male partner who loves the female partner more. Look at mr low and mr loh's marriages, we tot they are unhappy, and they seem to be the cases where the female was the one who's more initiative in the relationship. of course the ideal situation wld be that both parties love each other very well...but...if's not that smooth sailing and easy to have a perfect relationship and even harder to maintain a marriage. I always believe that a relationship is between 2 persons while a marriage is between 2 families, so it is never easy, now i dun want to get married alr.

anyway...had flu this morning, felt really bad...but life's easier for me today. only have 2 lessons! hahaha, and mr muhammad is nicer to me, probably because that's the last day cos tmr he's gg for reservist alr. but bad news came later when i got to know that i have to relief a bio class, 2 periods, then have to go for assembly and then staff meeting and departmental meetings...-_-''' my nose isnt exactly cooperating as it's been 'running' all the time, used up many packets of tissue papers...(guess i've killed a few trees by now)...

the lesson was okay asi had 1/3, the express sec 3 best class, triple science, rather manageable and they did their hm promptly. so i had quite a gd time chatting with them, when they asked abt my sec sch and jc, they gave a long loud..."WOW" and for the first time i felt so proud of my schools...(academic wise la, meaning for the first time i realised i'm not a bad stu...ppl look up to me.. :) ) and DO U KNOW THAT THERE'S THIS GUY WHOSE NAME IS JAIYI?! JIAYI YOU KNOW! and i juz kept on starring at his name tag...wow...what a coincidence. :)

then had assembly, to say the truth, that's really dead boring! they talked abt bully cases, and the characteristics of bullys then i somehow realised that i really do possess some of the traits there,SO I WAS A BULLY BACK IN NJ? ! wow...yeah, if i am, then probably u can call shen jiayi as the victim. =/

staff meeting was fun as a tcher celebrated her baby's fullmonth then bought puffs and cakes for us to eat, hmmmm yummy! how i hope i wasnt sick! then the meeting was about some Action Research, AR, then mr raymond something something showed us in the form of 'DEAL OR NO DEAL' quite funny, he looks like a crazy scientist! hhahaaha.

departmental meeting that followed was a joke as well, well , cant say it's a joke but it's all very funny...we did craftmaking--lantern! we folded ang bao then very fun, chatted and laughed. then at the end mr muhammad said have to record minute, then mdm radnah and i were like 'WAD?! HOW TO RECORD? ALL WE DID WERE JUZ CRAFTSMAKING AND CHATTING!" then mr muhammad said in a very serious tone: 1, trigger activity--craftsmaking, 2, sharing of experiences by intern, tcher and supervisor (it's actually chatting -_-''') hahahahaha

so fun...nah...hope tmr is another gd day, i wana RECOVER!

16/1/08

This is pissing me off. early in the morning while i was having my 'post lesson conference' with my supervisor, he told me that someone has feedback to him about me. rumours and rumours. anyway, im 120% sure that it is the old-ugly-single woman who did that. I was chatting with jeffery in my staff room while waiting for the rain to stop and typing my blog at the same time. I cursed and sweared abt LPG and she gasped at it, well to me it was ok cos i only said i want him to be raped by woman...(guess she'll feeling the pain cos she havent had a taste of man yet and she wants to be the raper i guess), it is none of her business that i said that and on top of that, she's not even supposed to appear in my staff room at all! RUBBISH.

And my sup told me that i shld be careful of what i say and be aware of the environment that im in. To be honest, i have been a very quiet and nice and obedient intern for the past 1+ weeks never had i tried to talk back to my sup, but today, after he said this, i straightaway told him that it is my human right to perform freedom of speech even if the content or choice of words might be crude. and i told him right in his face that i understand that as a tcher, i have to set as an example for my students but it does not mean i cannot say things that i want to say in my private time at my private space. I told him that the tcher who talked to him about me is the one who is not observing the conduct code of the tching profession as she had eavesdropped on my conversation with jeffery and how the hell could she still have the face to complain about me? she really must have nothing better to do and leads a terribly boring and dull life that she has to find entertainment in probing into someone else's life!

Did some sketches of stuff and fashion design...

this is flower...




cockle










I went back to nj ysd to collect the fashion books from ms lu. yk went out to the sidegate to fetch me (wad a gd junior) but my impressions of juniors worsened when i saw the state that ps was in. Super untidy, messy and smelly. Okay, i dun care about who is the boss of the darkrm now, i was the 'boss' for the pass 1 yr and i cant stand it. rmb the times when ppl used to complain that wangmo's dm is not as tidy as shengde's dm? k, i agree, but well, come and look at the present one, it is the champion, dm is juz like a huge rubbish bin,literally! look at all the rubbish (including the present excos and the real rubbish like bottles, food wrappers) that dm is having? oh man, felt like killing them. But I have no authority to scold them i know, cos i've alr. 'retired', k fine, let them die like this, this is a batch that doesnt learn, then be it.

Saw jiayi of course, as fat and short and stressed and dumb like usual. I duno how i shld face him, friends? probably not, i hate him, seriously, wont forgive him for...well...not the 'not liking me' part but more for the 'i want to be ur friend but actually i dun give a damn' attitude. so what? i guess i am not really dying to make friends with him again, am i? may be he's juz like this? then guess we shldnt be friends cos i've got enough introvert and careful and quiet friends le, like sj, bel and karen, but all of them can be very interesting and funny when u get to know them better, but seems that jy is juz the old jy since the first day i got to know him. he's either juz a boring person or rather he's not willing to let me see his interesting side. in any case it doesnt seem to be a gd thing for me...

oh...took photos with junzhan, very funny, he's in love! oh my god! he wants to go after a gal, and i must say that she's a nice gal la, very talented, but soft and cute kind, yeah, suits him better. my futer sis in law? haha...well, but junzhan muz learn how to speak up, always mumbling to himself is not a very gd thing if he is planning to go after a gal..hmmm...and he's so slow in doing stuff la, we left nj at ard 8pm...and in the end nothing was done, we decided to go back again on fri to take all over again! -_-''' and HE MADE ME MISS 2 BUSES BECAUSE OF HIS SLOWNESS!!!!!!!! hahha...welllllllllllllllllllllllllllllllllllllllllllllllllllllll

AND ONE MORE THING, I WANA ANNOUNCE TO THE WHOLE WORLD THAT I HATE LEE PHENG GUAN! HE'S THE SUCKIEST FUCKIEST TCHER I'VE EVER SEEN IN MY ENTIRE WHOLE LIFE! U KNOW WAD HE DID TO MY OIL PAINTING? HE DRAGGED IT OUT OF THE FIRST FLOOR CERAMICS ROOM AND PUT IT ON THE OUTEST PART, THEN LET IT GET SHOWERED BY THE THUNDERSTORM! HE'S SIMPLY NOT MAKING SENSE! WHEN I TOOK IT TO DM AND ASKED JY TO HELP ME HIDE IT, HE REALISED THAT THERE'S A LIZARD IN IT AND ALSO...RAINWATER! LPG SIMPLY SUCK LIKE HELL...SUCKS...I DUN HATE HIM, I LOATHE HIM! IM GONA DO STH!

OH as for today, started off as a bad day cos throat not feeling well, but today is my lesson observationa mahz...so i tried to do some stuff to prepare...then had the lesson, well, i tot i did badly, but im sure my preparation is good, but my delivery is a bit rushed, probably because i was nervous. the stu are okay, thanks to mr muhammad...he's estabished the rule and regulations gd enough for me to control the stu...well...welll...welll...anyway, he's nice la, told me that i have the potential to be a gd tcher...hahahaha...he said im safe...hahaha..so so so so so happy!...kk...will continue tmr...OH BY THE WAY, MR MUHAMMAD IS NOT MARRIED! :)

7/1/08

was busy for the past 1+ week...update update and update now....

hahaha, well, lesson havent started here for me yet. but i was asked to brainstorm on how to teach and the tasks are given, like the fist task is to conduct an observation drawing lesson with myself doing demonstration in the beginning. And have to find things that i want them to draw and i believe at the same time, i shld find a thing that i am capable of drawing as well -_-''' if not will be super paiseh. the sup is like mr low's friend so u can imagine his age and of course, ppl like them in the old days have gone through very firm fundation years of drawing, esp for him who was educated in poly, so very skill based ( very unlike to ms lu), so i have to live up to his expectations i guess. He asked me to show my olvel and alevel prep to the students and him, so i showed, he was pretty impressed (to a small extent i guess ) but can see he likes the chicken that i painted...olevel prep de, then he also likes the board that was full of jiayi's faces, and he said that is a very good board, so guess he's the kind who goes for skill, quality than ideas and concepts...=/....

oh he also told me to do demonstrations as often as possible, so as to sharpen my own drawing skills too, in one way it benefited the students as they will be motivated to work hard in order to achieve your standard(provided i do a gd job on the demo), also, theyll respect you more, and in another way, it ensures that you get drawing pratices too so your skills wont become rusty...quite true right? well, my sup, even though he's funny, humourous, mr low's gd friend, but can see he's the more organised and step by step type, fiercer, more discplined and very serious when it comes to work, unlike superman low who seems to have done his things in a joking way (but im not saying he's not serous abt his work la, just different style, one more relaxed while the other is more tense...:( )

in terms of skills, the students here are of course, like what my sup says, not like 'us' meaning not like him and i who are 'born with the skill' -_-''' okay...he's kinda as ego as low but both of them have the substance to be egostical. some students really struggles to get their shapes and outlines right, and i only tch sec 3,4,5 stu cos my sup is the HOD who teach the upper sec..and well, still, i did see a few who are kinda talented who juz need more drillings. the lessons here are much more organised than what i had back in dhs or nj, im not sure if it is because of the tcher's working style (cos u know, mr low is the relax kind while LPG, lu, are the kinda self centered dun care type), have lessons and will scold them and tell them classroom rules every lesson. the studetns are very quiet during class, quite concentrated.mr muhammad made them bring 4B pencil and A3 paper every lesson, and a portfolio huge file to file up every excercise they do, without it one cannot get into artroom ( s far havent happened yet, everyone brought their stuff) then lesson will begin with observation drawing, very good foundation setting training, i wish we had these more often in dhs or nj...rmb that i were just crazily dancing and playing in dhs and nj most of the time? and also, they have to address me as ms wang (most of them juz call me tcher when my sup is not with me) then...

oh ya, when i showed them my preps, yeah...they are impressed but when i start asking them questions, they will be very sian, even friendly chats they also wont reply u...im kinda worried that may be im not suitable as a tcher, and also, im not loud enough, the classes are big, there's 2 artrooms to cater them...then i will only be tching the normal acad and normal tech classes, ysd my sup told me abt a boy in my class who din go to sch for the entire whole last yr, so to be extra patient and careful with him...and one thing im not used to it was that, everytime my sup introduces me, he will talk abt my bg like how 'ms wang is diff from all of you, she's from a very good sch, dunman high, do u all know dunman high? and she graduated with 10 points...very good grade, with art A1, and went on to do AEP in NJC...NJC do you all know???......) yeah, things like that that makes me super paiseh....=/..kk...gotta go observe class le...5periods continuous..:(

11/1/08

oh well, to be true, i havent got time to go online at home yet, for the entire whole week.Basically i am quite packed still, our sch's sec1 orientation would be on nxt friday. Well, ysd was such a tiring day for me, lessons after lessons no free time, then after that got to help set up cca then after that we had staff meeting. the staff meeting lasted for like 3 hrs la, it was information overload i tell u, they announced the pay rise and stuff like that to the teachers and reintroduced the interns(meaning 3 of us). but it was very funny, very fun. at first we were told that the meeting time is 345pm, so at ard 330, we were thinking that we shld go there early so we strolled slowly to the venue only to reach there and realise that the ava is already filled with tchers who took up the best seats 'back seat seats'. and we were like..WOW!...the meeting started off with the principal distributing us curry puffs that she bought for us to eat while having the meeting, she's quite a funny and nice principal, definitely not like mrs cheng, but this one is old and serious as well la. then like, when we asked the supervisors where we shld seat, he said, probably no more good seats le (back seats all taken) so he simply said: come ealier nxt time...who will want to seat in front??? p and vp are there!
hahaha, so funny, like students like that, for the first time we find that tchers are humanised in the sense that they are just like students, during the meeting, when it comes to the pay rise part ppl will "wow" or "cheyyyy" very kiddy...and we just kept laughing (but tried to control a bit too la cos like we sat in the first row...right under her nose) but the principal was very humourous lah, she constantly cracked jokes. then there's this science SH came up to talk, wah..he looks like some crazy scientist..so we laughed again. then my art sup went up to announce the p and vp for the staff welfare committee...he's very funny...he said that they've selected 2 candidates and then they'll go thr.voting to decide who be the p and who be the vp. then he say againt that the guy (one of the candidate) have decided to withdraw from the voting JUST IN CASE THAT HE WINS! wahahahaha...never thot that tchers are also like us, rmb when we choose class chairperson or monitor that time also like this? no wants to be? thenthe guy have 'volunteered' himself to be the vp so the the female tcher took up th p job....hahahahahaha...

oh...aft the the p talked finish, she juz came and sat down beside the person who's beside me...i got so nervous la. but anyway, the whole meeting thing was funny.

today i did a whole lesson plan...then i gave it to my sup to see. this morning early ealry during flagraising my art sup alr. came to me and told me that he had talked to my hist sup that he continues to take me for nxt week and told me that my "lesson" wld be nxt tues, u know that our sups will observe us in one lesson then he or she will grade us right? yeah, so that particular lesson for me will be nxt tues when others are like in the last 2 weeks...-_-'''' im like super strssed and my flu did not fully recover due to the less than humane air con in the staff room!

sigh........................................................im juz feeling that im doomed. oh and sch fees wise, for my uni, it was like pounds 14000 a yr yeah....

nahhhhh have to go and prepare for lesson lesson lesson

some feelings

oh well...today is sunday, did a SBQ for international hist, have to admit that ACJC's history is really strong.the questions are those that i never would wana do during the exams. I did the SBQ on KOSOVO and now im regretting like hell for not having listened properly to my NUS professor's lectures.anyway...sigh..why am i so sad? cos...aiya...i duno...

sometimes i feel like loitering on the lonely road of a foreign country...preferably France. I've long loved France, my dream country and Paris is my dream city. A romantic place where i can just stop trying to act rational and stop trying to reason. I just want to be in a place where it's filled with colours and happiness, protected from all evil...it's a place for fantasy and dreams...my dreams..and someone once told me, he also love Paris...how i hope, one day, we could be walking towards Eiffel Tower...hand in hand...like the image in the 2nd drawer of my graduation art piece..but...sometimes..dreams are just dreams...wishes are just mere wishes...they are called wishes because...perhaps because we can never be able to fulfill it? dreams are called dreams because perhaps we can never make it come true??


so if one day, i am tired of being in the city, being in the limelight, being in a place where noice and modern technology dominate..i really want to come to the countryside, enjoy the fresh air, look at the ever refreshing scenaries...enjoy the broadness of the sky, the gentle breeze..the soft sound of the wind...the..the everything...oh..i might not have really shown this sentiment to anyone before, actually, i am really secretly willing to throw away all the ambitions and all those big ideas about politics and just carry my little art toolbox and go to the countryside, paint whatever that makes me happy, sketch whenever i feel like sketching, capturing moments of my joy and happiness...just imagine..how life could be so much better without politics??


so there's the bridge..and i wonder if i could ever be able to cross it and reach to the other side of my life...the sky seems so near, so blue, so innocent, so harmless..but god...i am so afraid of stepping onto the bridge, the journey of no return. in less than a year i am really going to be set free, alone, and i am not sure what i am up to. How am i going to cope with this new life? being alone? perhaps...i should start getting myself used to having no friends and having no one to depend on, having no shoulders to cry on when im sad, having no one to talk to when im down, having no help offered when im in trouble...suddenly...the world that im living in right now seems so much nicer and brighter... life is all about how we perceive it to be isn't it? cherish what's around us bah...


look at this, sometimes i do feel that im one of the wild horses running aimlessly int along this empty lonely beach. i really feel that i am a trapped animal...i am completely lost and frustrated now...


--today he came online...and...but, he went offline immediately..hope im just thinking too much..hope he's not avoiding something that we both are avoiding...

mo: In memory of my Leafy crown flower plant [2006-2007:死因：被毛毛虫吃掉了..]

So now im done with GP, SEA hist and Math...GP was bad, i have this feeling,for the first time i felt insecured even for my essay. The vocab was bad, couldnt finish my AQ and many more problems, if i can get a B im pretty contented, if i get an A i will really laugh. And as for SEA hist, like wad desmond had said, it is simply information overload. Last minute studying is realli..both useful and destructive, anyway, the questions were not hard, but i guess i did not do very well and i did not have enough time to develop my points well. also...sighz...had to go toilet half way and...i did on the AFC question which im afraid i am too narrative. sigh..i also did on pre 1941 nationalism and Parlimentry democracy. anyway...sighz...math...it was easy but my complex brain complicated them thus i got wrong..sighsighsigh!

oh...my butterfly garden is really turning into butterfly garden! there were so many caterpillars that filled up almost all the plant, the leaves were gone...left with stems, i asked mr loh to catch some and keep in containers and he did. i saw the cocoons..hahaha...oh...the butterflies that came out were so beautiful! they are called the "Common Tiger" wad a cool name, orange and white and yellowish. ha ha ha...im kind happy cos at first the cocoon were very small so mr loh said they might turn out to be the small moths that we see in the garden...but...wad a surprise! now im seriously hoping to see many more butterflies around the school! wad an achievement!


This is wad my crown flower used to be like...jiayi took the photo..now it is bare without any leaf... :(



and these are the caterpillars that ate up my plant...-_-'''



but they eventually emerged as beautiful butterflies! that's the "common tiger" spicie!


ps: greenlink juniors are so nice! they booked sentosa chalet for us, 5th dec!...oh...im gona go for nature guiding on 1st dec. ha ha ah...

sick

i cant believe this, just as i was joking with my friend on the bus on friday when we killed an ades mosquito, we told each other that we cant afford to get sick, not right before our Alevels, that's the last thing that we wana see happen. we are not gona wait for another bloody year to retake Alevels.

And.............

Here i am, sick and all tired. on wed morning, it's my GP alevel paper, this is to say that it is less than 48 hrs. i am not very sure if i could recover before that, i am so scared that i have to do my exam with a diggy head....


please.....let me recover by tmr!!! PLEASE!!!!!

I DELETED SHEN JIAYI'S HANDPHONE AND HOUSE NUMBER. IN SHORT, I DELETED HIS CONTACT. SO FROM NOW ONWARDS, I HOPE IT'S A NEW BEGINNING FOR ME.

我和他的友情已经不再可能。

Farmers

Did poems with mr whitby today. It was kind of hard in the beginning...but..interesting...

Two poems...[The Serf] by Roy Campbell and [Aside] by R.S Thomas...their subject matter is famers...exploring the idea of the suffering of farmers, depriving of a choice, forced to submit to oppression and wait in patience...



The Serf

by Roy Campbell (1901-57)



His naked skin clothed in the torrid mist

That puffs in smoke around the patient hooves,

The ploughman drives, a slow somnambulist,

And through the green his crimson furrow grooves.

His heart, more deeply than he wounds the plain,

Long by the rasping share of insult torn,

Red clod, to which the war-cry once was rain

And tribal spears the fatal sheaves of corn,

Lies fallow now. But as the turf divides

I see in the slow progress of his strides

Over the toppled clods and falling flowers,

The timeless, surly patience of the serf

That moves the nearest to the naked earth

And ploughs down palaces, and thrones, and towers.



[28 July 1926]


Aside

by R.S.Thomas

Take heart, Prytherch.
Over you the planets stand,
And have seen more ills than your.
This canker was in the bone
Before man bent to his image
In the pool's glass. Violence has been
And will be again. Between better
And worse is no bad place

For a labourer, whose lot is to seem
Stationary in traffic so fast.
Turn aside, I said; do not turn back
There is no forward and no back
In the fields, only the year's two
Solstices, and patience between.

a splash in the water of my heart

Although you like someone else,
I want to have my say
Without invading your domain
Or scaring you away.

I respect the choice you made
And all that you decide,
But I would just like you to know
I want you by my side.

As a lake deep in a wood
Awaits a cool, fresh breeze,
I will wait, a patient eye,
While you do as you please.

I know that you don't feel for me
The way I feel for you.
We're good friends, I value that,
There's nothing you need do.

But as a friend I need to tell you
What is in my heart.
An unsaid truth is like a wall,
Keeping us apart.

My love for you will go nowhere,
Will just remain with me.
I'll hold it in my quiet arms
And feel it constantly.

wangmo,

thanx for telling me all this, let me tell you how i feel. realli sorry, wanted to type in chinese, but after the first sentence, i decided to type in english.

I think there exist differences between the two of us, and some of our personality does clash, that is why i think it would be better if we remained as friends. Furthermore, i don't think that i would be together with a senior Probably that is something that i find very hard to accept. Although it would seem dumb to be still bounded by the social norms today, i just can't get over it, that is something that i have to apologise for. The other reason that i could not accept you is that, yes, i do have someone else in my mind. I find it hard to accept someone else.

I noe that a lot of your friends might tell you that i already knew that you liked me, but i really don't. A lot of my friends also asked me if you like me, but my response to them was always a no. Throughout this period, i only felt that we were very good friends, which is something that i treasure, and nothing more, As in, i always felt you treated me as a good friend, and did not have that kind of feelings. And i never thought of it in that manner and it just seemed impossible to me.

Probably this kind of thing is hard to get over within a short period of time. But i guess as time passes, it would get better hopefully. I do hope that we remained as friends.

jiayi


ha ha...so this is the ans i got, i think it is hilarious, i burst out laughing when i saw the first line. anyway, i duno why after seeing this, i felt very relieved, though it still sounded as politically correct as he always sounded, there's truth in it, enough for me to understand all. and yeah, no more confusion and distraction.

generally..my prelim turned out to be rather good! amazing! and unbelievable! i got ABDDE! wad a gd thing to see...but as usual, lit is still lousy with a 16 percentile, and math dropped from 78 to 26 percentile, but other than that, GP is 78%, hist is 71% and art is 74%...haha...not bad siah? cant imagine GP to be so good...and hist, i scored 55 for SEA but 66 for Internaional!!! hahahaha...so good right?! im kinda scared of ms oon...duno how to score for her paper...

erm...then graduation show, i must admit that i think i am damn pretty that day! ha ha...and then...the two bouquets just served to enhanced the situation! ha ha...but the thing is...i did my confession to jy...i cant talk properly in front of him! but he seemed so calm and refined...smiling throughout, but i guess he's only acting to be calm...wad a little retard! haha...so..well..he wants to continue to be friends, guys are always selfish...they dun want to lose a friend...but i'll see how...right now i am still very scared of seeing him in sch.

erm...my revision is way behind schedule and i have no idea how i am gona cope. god bless me!

confession

jiayi,



这几天想了一些事情，觉得应该和你讲清楚，不是为了你，是为了我自己好。拜二那天我真的很紧张，很多时候都表现得语无伦次，有些东西也都没说明白。

是的，我喜欢你，喜欢很久了，不要问我为什么喜欢你，因为连我自己都讲不清楚。只是，很欣赏，又很心疼你的感觉。也许我们太过不同，你有着许多我没有的东西和品质，所以，我被吸引了。就这么简单。



我是一个很奇怪的女孩，对于自己很喜欢的人总是很过分，不论是你，mr loh, ian 还是mr low. 我知道在这一年多里，我对你发了很多次的脾气，经常无理取闹，是我的错，真对不起。也许现在你能明白些，为什么我总是对你那么harsh，我不懂得应该怎么对待你，可能是因为太重要，所以抓得很紧。。。你的出现打破了我在国初平静的生活，但这不是你的错。其实我对你有好感这件事，很多人都早就知道了，如果这对你的“世界”有过什么负面的影响，我想说声对不起。对于我的coursework,我是在鼓起了很大勇气之后才决定用这个题材的，中间曾发生过许许多多令我不想回顾的事情，但是，我还是很庆幸我能够完成它，并能让你看到它，因为它包含着我。。因为你而留下的泪水，绽放的笑容，真的很感谢你的大度和理解。



其实很早的时候我就知道，你心里已经有了一个女孩。明知我和你是不可能的，但我却一直放不开。我明白自己没有你那么优秀，况且，我是学姐；但喜欢就是喜欢，你是知道我的，在一定程度上我是不喜欢被世俗的观念束缚的，但是我觉得你会介意，所以不论是从哪一个角度看，我都没办法说服自己，让我对你，对自己的感情抱有任何的希望，但是，心的选择是没有办法理智的，所以一直喜欢了下去。。。但是我知道这是无果的，只是单纯的想和你继续一起聊天，一起笑，一起开心的笑。。没有别的意图。



有时候不明白，为什么你会那么thick，真的很怀疑你是否真的不知道我喜欢你，周围的朋友，ms chan, ms lu都说你肯定早就知道了。但是你告诉我你不知道，那我就相信你。我真的希望你没有骗我，因为我不想想像自己被人当傻子一样的耍，那会令我很受伤。还有，虽然“继续做朋友”是我自己说的，但这几天发觉到，我好像做不到，因为看到你的时候会很害怕。也许，我需要时间，但是，现在的我真得不知道要应该怎么面对你，甚至有时会很恨你，因为你在无形中伤害到了我的自尊，而很巧的是，我是个自尊心很强的人，有时很想打你两巴掌，可是，真是可笑，你又没做错什么。只是，恐怕你所建议的“和我谈谈”是做不到了，我真的没办法和你面对面的谈话，没办法回到从前那样。也许，你会觉得解脱了吧，我总觉得是我老是麻烦你，而你对我已是疲于应付。



总之，很高兴曾经认识了你这么个朋友，一起工作的日子我不会忘记，谢谢你，没有你我的jc life不会如此多姿多彩，没有你，我也许会一辈子看不起男生。而且，喜欢过你，我从来没有后悔过。如果有一天，我能够过自己这一关，能够再次无拘束地面对你，而你也乐意接受的话，我们也许还能做回朋友，我会期待着这一天的到来。最后，希望你能告诉我你的想法，还有，狠狠地把我骂醒吧，坚定地拒绝我，不要给我你的微笑，不要给我你的包容，我要给我任何可以后退的理由。谢了。



wang mo

独自站在窗台，静静的欣赏窗外的美景，一份从容的心态，加上一份平静的心情，这个夜晚是美好的！
月亮高高的悬挂在空中，星星安分的尾随在它左右，时不时的还朝我眨巴着小眼睛。喜欢这种平静的感觉，感觉心里特别的舒服。
有人说，秋天的夜晚充满着迷幻般的浪漫，当喧哗隐去之后，那月色是令人陶醉的，当流水般的月色洒在窗前，我便陶醉在这片夜色里，心里又出现N个幻想。
这不，我又想起我那毫无道理的暗恋，我有点理不清头绪，因为我找不到暗恋的理由！
暗恋是痛苦的，但若你能把心态摆正，那么暗恋或许会是甜蜜的。暗恋是喜欢对方却又不敢告知对方，那是隐藏在心里不想被任何人所知道的小秘密。暗恋，你找不到暗恋的理由，可你偏偏就是喜欢上对方。如果你是自私型的人，你将会想要把暗恋转为明恋，甚至跑去与对方示爱，结果只有两种，要不被人接受，要不被人说，我们不合适。往往会暗恋别人的人都不适合去表白。其一：她缺乏自信；其二：她知道她的暗恋是无果的。如果暗恋境界能得到升华的话，你将不存在想要去占有的情愫，你只想要站在他的身后默默付出与祝福，这种暗恋又是伟大的，独自一人的时候，细细回味你的暗恋那也是快乐的！因为暗恋仅是暗恋，不会有人受到伤害，甚至比初恋来得更纯洁！
静坐在电脑前，听着歌曲，认真的思考，我到底为啥暗恋你？终于稍有领悟，大概是因为太寂寞及孤独了吧，所以才会依恋上你的陪伴；又或者是我对成熟型的男人有着独特的好感，而你又恰巧是这类型男人，所以我才会被你给吸引吧；当然这种好感，也来自你若干的关心与问候！如果没有你的关心做后盾，我相信我的暗恋也得不到升华呀！但，就在目前没有你陪伴的日子里，那种情愫似乎渐渐被时间给冲淡了。当然，我不否认开始的时候有着强烈的思念及期盼，但随着时间与距离的推移，那种思念也随风而逝了，那份期盼也化为乌有。因此，我终于明白，这份暗恋完全来自寂寞，如果没有这份寂寞，就不会对你产生依赖。如果不产生依赖，或许就没暗恋的来临！
有时候，我觉得寂寞的来临就像被蚂蚁缠身，蚂蚁虽小，却能赢过大象，它在你身上轻轻的咬上一口，不会出血，也咬不出很大的伤口，却让人感觉隐隐作痛，甚至极为难受。所以，我又觉得寂寞是可怕的。平凡的我们最好不要轻易去招惹寂寞，还是安分的过着生活吧。

p.s: I passed Lit..got a D

well, i got back art hist, not bad, for the first time i got higher than karen, ok, i shouldnt have said that. oh well...but i barely got a B, and winston said there's no one who got A, for theory. And i dun think there's any chance for me to get an A for coursework, so i shall just be settled on a B.

As for math, i am not that worried cos i am quite sure that if i do my practices and things like that, i will be able to score, it's just a matter of how much many questions i practice. i am aiming for an A and i die die must get it...irritating...sighz

for Lit...i seriously dun know how to improve...just got back dio's paper, passed, got 14 but then it's kind of still bad. same mark as CT2...sosad..and again i failed whitby's paper, one 9 and one 13...i just cant do compare and contrast and whitby is really sharp at pointing out weaknesses, yes, i am still struggling with surface content how am i going to even go into deeper analysis? it's just a wrong choice choosing lit, and h2 is just even more diff, i bet i failed all 3 papers again. sighz, but i seriously don't want to fail any subjects in prelim, math is already bad enough...

hist...i dun even dare to think of it, ms oon is just too scary, she sounded so fierce and i know all of us did badly and there's no such luck as i am the only one who did fairly well, no, no such thing one, i will suffer together with all the rest.
and come on, i tot guided democracy is parliamentry democracy...-_-''no it is not! it is a maximum government!

i am just so screwed...and cant believe i am still talking to jy online right now.

It's been so long, prelim results were expectedly bad, it's ok, i will work hard for my alevels.

Coursework is finally done, im surprised that im actually quite happy with my prep work, anyway, it's 60% of an alevel subject done, i shall concentrate on my other subjects now. seriously, i am not afraid of any other subjects except literature, i duno how to prepare for it, it's just too hard to do, i give up.

im still thinking if i shld talk to jy, if i shld continue to be like this, being infatuated, being friends with him or shld i take the opportunity to disappear since alevel is coming and school ends next friday...

what a coincidence, art make up lesson during the study break is on every mon aftnoon, i hope i wont get to see him but somehow, part of me is happy that i can have some excuse to see him again. how stupid...i duno..i seriously duno what i am doing with my life, it's just so super scary, im like being sucked into this cycle of no return. i just cant stop liking him, for no reason, i duno why i like him.

life seems just too weird...im beginning to miss nj, in the past, i cant imagine myself missing this school which gave me so much pains and sadness, but here, in this place, stored my fond and sad memories, my life, 2 yrs of life. happy or sad, i've left my shadows behind here, i've shed my tears i can hear the resonance of my laughters, the friendships i gained here, the heartbeat, everything, time really flies, it passes so fast, i could hardly adjust to it. i still couldnt believe im in yr 2 and here i am, ending my jc life. how is it that i got here, i duno, through all the quarrels, all the problems all the excitements i arrived here...i know my entry does not make sense, i duno how to make any sense out of it when im so confused right now, life is such an unpredictable thing.

i am so not used to leave a place what i've lived for 2yrs, and most importantly, i am leaving behind an untold story of mine, my secret love for this guy, and i have used my own unique way to present it in front of people, i want it to be implicit but somehow, due to the fact that it is for marking, i cant keep it too implicit, i duno what will be the reactions of the management who will get to see it in a few days time. but somehow, i want them to see, no i dun want...i also duno...the only person that i dun want him to see is jy himself, i am afraid of seeing his reaction after seeing my coursework, i am afraid of getting an answer, i think it is best to keep things this way, until we wont get to see each other ever again, sometimes things are beautiful when no one points out the truth, beautiful things might turn ugly when the truth floats above the surface...i am not yet ready for such things, i kept on asking myself...is it really what i want? may be not, may be yes, i duno, i am so confused now, i want to paint his face on the wall, but no i dun want...i duno...shit..why people...why human beings tend to regret about the decisions made by themselves???? i hate this...serious!

Prelims...

Okay, up till now, i've finished all my exams except Art H3 which i do not intend to study until the last minute as i have to focus on completing my course work which is like a piece of shit now.

I really hate prelims, it's so damn hell difficult, my best paper so far is art which is one of the hardest art paper i've ever done in my life. Today just finished SEA hist and math, both are lousy, math is extremely loudy, i cant take it man, and the most outrageous thing is that, out of 5 statistics qns, 4 are the same as the H2 people's paper! what is this man?????

I hate prelims!!!!sucker!

I hate her i hater her i hate her i hate her

I hate her i hater her i hate her i hate her I hate her i hater her i hate her i hate her I hate her i hater her i hate her i hate her I hate her i hater her i hate her i hate her I hate her i hater her i hate her i hate her I hate her i hater her i hate her i hate her I hate her i hater her i hate her i hate her I hate her i hater her i hate her i hate her I hate her i hater her i hate her i hate herI hate her i hater her i hate her i hate her I hate her i hater her i hate her i hate herI hate her i hater her i hate her i hate herI hate her i hater her i hate her i hate herI hate her i hater her i hate her i hate herI hate her i hater her i hate her i hate herI hate her i hater her i hate her i hate herI hate her i hater her i hate her i hate herI hate her i hater her i hate her i hate herI hate her i hater her i hate her i hate herI hate her i hater her i hate her i hate herI hate her i hater her i hate her i hate herI hate her i hater her i hate her i hate herI hate her i hater her i hate her i hate herI hate her i hater her i hate her i hate herI hate her i hater her i hate her i hate herI hate her i hater her i hate her i hate herI hate her i hater her i hate her i hate herI hate her i hater her i hate her i hate herI hate her i hater her i hate her i hate herI hate her i hater her i hate her i hate herI hate her i hater her i hate her i hate herI hate her i hater her i hate her i hate herI hate her i hater her i hate her i hate herI hate her i hater her i hate her i hate herI hate her i hater her i hate her i hate herI hate her i hater her i hate her i hate herI hate her i hater her i hate her i hate herI hate her i hater her i hate her i hate herI hate her i hater her i hate her i hate her

The "her" is the one who gave birth to me.

暗恋

暗恋是喜欢的一种
当他很开心、很高兴的时候,你也会有同样的感觉
当他伤心、痛苦的时候，你的心情也会很沉重,很想安慰他,帮他解忧
他生病了，你会很担心,心里想的都是他
他无意中伤害了你,你会很伤心,会一个人偷偷地流泪
他在你身边时,你会偷偷地看他
他不在你身边时,你总是惦记着他
......
不过，这一切你都不会告诉他，只会默默地在他身边守侯他，不求任何回报,只要他开心、幸福,你就很满足了，就算他喜欢的不是你......

怎样的结局？是这样的吗？

是不是关于暗恋的故事都没有好的结局呢？

让我开心又带给我伤心的那个人，让我不断挂念的那个人，我们永远，永远不能在一起。

经常会幻想，如果向他表白了，会是怎样的一个结局，下面，便是其中一个应该最接近现实的结局吧：





这些话的实际意义是：我惧怕你给的爱情，我不需要你的了解，我的心不知何时会向谁打开，但是有一点可以确定，不是现在，不是对你。



他说，除了和你，再没有专门和女生出去过。

他说，如果我们都不捅破这层纸，你还是从我这里得到快乐，而我也会慢慢爱上你。

他说，我喜欢你的个性，独立自强，我也喜欢和你出去玩，可是我真的没有动过心。

他说，你会伤心吗?

他说，如果你愿意，当你不开心，仍可以从我这里得到快乐。



我会伤心。

我不愿意。



我们最后的对话就是这样的，关于两年的暗恋，就在这些对话中结束了。

我还是自私的说出断绝一切联系的决定。

他说，不要，他不想。

可是他看见我哭，还是答应了。



最后的MSN留言删掉。

最后的短信看后删掉，连同号码。

还有邮件地址。



听着这首歌，蒙头在被子中，一边流汗，一边流泪。

睡着了醒来，似乎忘记，但是马上就想起这样的结局，心里很痛。

你永远不和我联系了吗？这句话在耳边不停响起。

永远不再联系，永远不再相见，永远不再爱。



像那种从小说里读到的故事：他们从很久之前就开始彼此寻找，暗恋很多年后仍然可以相遇相爱。真的只是小说。真的只是骗人的。

像现实中这种暗恋，不是我不想坚持，而是我知道这根本是一场徒劳。爱情不是时间久了自然会出现的东西。就像我不能从你那里再得到快乐一样，你也不会有爱上我的那一天，我们，无辜者和付出者，带着暗恋的心而分别的付出者，那心底的爱会借着幻想的翅膀，升华至一个不真实的高度，我不想做这么一个幻想者，我哪怕做一个明明白白的失恋者。



我说，等我说了那句话，你要明确的回答我。

我说，不要装作不知道或者不想说。

我说，时间会留给我们美丽的回忆。

那句话是：

我喜欢你，从我当上执委那刻，同你一同工作开始，一点一点。



我要你明明白白的告诉我，拒绝我，那么我看起来就没有那么可怜。

你只要好好配合我，我就是这样一个别扭的女孩，我只有这样才能很快很快的忘记这些难过。
到最后，你还是那么善良，而我却伤害了你。

我知道你会记得我，一辈子记得有这样一个别扭的，爱着你的女孩，爱着你却要你明明白白拒绝她，放她走。

我不知道你会不会也像我这样流泪，但是我最后还是很谢谢你，谢谢你让我知道，我没有喜欢错人。

所以我们就结束吧。永远。

再见。

...

人这辈子总得动真格地爱一回吧，我准备失恋一回。
因为
当你爱上了一个人
第一步是失去自我
而接着
就是
失去你爱的人

。。。。。。。。

暗恋的感觉很舒服，很安全，安全地躲在自己的城堡里
“暗恋是一种礼貌，暗地里盖一座城堡”
这座城堡里全都是关于你的一切，王子的画像是你的笑容，而公主的头像却怎么也不敢幻想成是自己的

暗恋是容易满足又安静地在你周围
暗恋是能在人群里一眼就找到你
暗恋是看着你的微笑还要掩盖心潮澎湃
暗恋是无聊时候任何东西都联想到你
暗恋是即使你不说话看到你头像亮着就很安心
暗恋是晚上梦到你却不得不失落醒来
暗恋是你永远不知道我很多时候都有在想你
暗恋是活在梦境里，不需要面对现实，温暖而坚韧得存在着
暗恋不会给对方负担，不会给自己失望
暗恋是一个人的事，不需要被嘲笑被伤害，没有开始，也不会有结束

一个人的角落，想你的一切，虽然有些无奈，可是真的安全
你不需要是个很好的人，不需要值得被爱，不需要很体贴，不需要很绅士，甚至不需要认识我
你是一种安慰，一种简单的存在
暗恋，仅仅只是暗恋，不需要在一起，不需要两情相悦，不需要任何承诺，暗暗盖着你的城堡

所以么，暗恋的人，给自己更多暗恋的借口，为自己的懦弱找到最舒适的方式，为你的他/她盖一座城堡，不过城堡越高越容易塌
被暗恋的人，如果知道了，不要残忍的揭穿，选择暗恋已经是对你最没有威胁的方式了，偶尔一个微笑一个眼神，让他/她把城堡盖得更高，也当作是做善事了

好好享受这份难得的暗恋，安全又温馨的恋............

懦弱的我

最近为了温书，经常会待到很晚。现在是凌晨两点多，毫无睡意。
厌倦了
不是讨厌，只是觉得很疲惫，不希望人生就这样匆匆忙忙地流逝。读书，我在这上面虚度了十二年了。
累了
看了一部电视剧的结尾，名字很有意境， 《我们无处安放的青春》，巧得很，是我最喜爱的演员陈道明的戏。
看到，女主角几乎在同一时间失去了生命中的两个最重要的男人。父亲的去世，男友的背叛，她该如何活下去？
生命永远是如此，不如意的事情总是接而不断，人类的悲剧，在于我们懂得“感情”，那种在失去某人后才会产生的，被挖空了的感觉，使得我们难以从悲伤中自拔。

忽然转到了令一幕，男主角李然在与另一个女人结婚前的那一刻，受到了来自蒙蒙的快递，里面是一首诗，“希望能化为一滴雨，落在你的掌心中”。。。属于男人的泪水，无声地滑落，悔恨吗？还是无奈？人生中总是有着许许多多的阴错阳差，不小心，你与他便会在人群中擦身而过，缘分，即使选择了出现在你与他之间，也不一定会持久，一个简单的错误，会造成无法弥补的悔恨。

爱情，究竟是个怎样的东西？喜欢，很喜欢嘉易，喜欢他那与生自来的忧郁。他是个在这个时代里少有的有气质的男生。想他，很想他，在夜深人静的夜晚时分，思念越加浓烈。

明知道他并不喜欢自己，为何还要如此执着？在他的世界里，也许我是微不足道的渺小，可是，在我的世界里，他是全部。

常这样幻想着，如果有一天，有机会的话，好想让他抱抱我，只是轻轻地拥抱一下，让我可以感觉到他的体温。记得他曾经说过：“如果有心事，伤心的话，可以随时来找我。”虽然我明白，那只是出于自然的友好，但是，那句话还是让我心动许久。也许，嘉易永远不会了解我对他的心意，但，那份感情我已然付出过，收不回来，但却也不会后悔。

好希望，将来会有个人，能够像我爱他那样深深地爱着我。像在《女主播的故事》里尹理事对善美那样的温柔，那样的爱护，就像守护天使般地保护着她。。让她可以在他面前毫无顾忌地哭泣，欢笑。好想，有个厚实的肩膀可以在我脆弱时让我依靠。。。我，并不坚强。也许，嘉易的肩膀很厚实，但我却不是那靠在他肩膀的人，那份关怀，好像是注定了不是给我的。。。可是。。。

为何，在明白了这许多之后，

我

还是无法放下？


茉
2007年9月13日凌晨三点三十五分

正宗北京老婆骂老公

场景 ：四合院 ； 人物 ：两口子 ； 时间：一大清早儿
(先运气)“我说你一大老爷们儿家，一大早清儿的就站在当院满嘴跑火车，半点儿不着调，我隔着窗户纸这都运一脑门子气了，您这是唱的哪出儿啊？对，没错，就说你呢。你还别跟我揣着明白装糊涂。原本一老实巴交的人，现在学会耍猫儿腻了，见天皆当街晃荡打油飞，时不时的整出点汤儿事，再不就是胡吃闷睡。你自个儿照照镜子去，好嘛，活的越大越抽抽儿，整个一嘎杂子琉璃球。成天逮谁跟谁扯皮不说吧，办事也没个准谱，交代你屁大点儿的事儿，你说你放了我几回鹰了？和着我那点儿吐沫星子全打了水漂儿了！你瞧你平时那个德行，样儿大了你！装的人五人六儿的，还挺象那么回事的。实际上满肚子的幺呃子，除了整天游手好闲，要嘛就是鼓捣点儿嘎七马八的事儿出来。要是结识了个有点儿来头的，好嘛，你拉多晚儿也得老着脸死命的巴结上。实在闲的发慌，也是跟那帮小混子起哄架秧子，打联联。走在街上看见个半老徐娘你都不错眼珠儿的盯着人家看。哪天遇上个满不吝的，给你一板儿砖，你就知道什么是肝儿颤了。你说你们家老爷子也怪不容易的，千倾地一根苗，还巴望着你能出息，平地扣饼呢。你不但一点长进没有，还成天让老爷子吃挂落儿，给老爷子折腾的五脊六兽的，跟着你转磨磨。一数落儿你几句，你就蹬鼻子上脸，长行市了你，嫌老爷子絮叨儿，车轱辘话来回说。现在塌实了吧？那点儿家底全让你攘秃噜了吧？蹦子儿没有看你还能鼓捣出什么花花肠子来。就欠让你见天皆吃棒子面勃勃，顶多白饶你一碗凉白开遛遛缝儿。还甭跟我耍哩格儿楞。敢情你也有脚底下拌蒜，掰不开镊子的时候儿，平时那大嘴叉子一张不挺能白活的吗？麻利儿着呀，怎么变没嘴儿葫芦儿了？费了半天的吐沫，我也不跟你嚼舌头了，借光儿，我找个豁亮的地儿焖得儿蜜去了。”

today is alr. sunday...no...now is monday 0018 am alr. and duno if he's back..see...he din even tell me if he's back...sighz...i duno...may be we are simply not close enough...


WANG MO...STOP THINKING ABT HIM!!! TMR IT'S UR PRELIM!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! IM SO SCREWED THIS TIME...HAVENT EVEN STARTED REVISION...LAST MIN REVISION AGAIN? IM NOT GONA GET THR. IT'S PRELIM...NOT CT....SIGHZ..FELL IN LOVE AT THE WRONG TIME WITH THE WRONG PERSON...


F*** MYSELF...

It's so meeeeeeeeee

Your Score: 8 - the AsserterThanks for taking the test !

you chose AY - your Enneagram type is EIGHT (aka "The Challenger").


"I must be strong"

Asserters are direct, self-reliant, self-confident, and protective.

How to Get Along with Me

Stand up for yourself... and me.
Be confident, strong, and direct.
Don't gossip about me or betray my trust.
Be vulnerable and share your feelings. See and acknowledge my tender, vulnerable side.
Give me space to be alone.
Acknowledge the contributions I make, but don't flatter me.
I often speak in an assertive way. Don't automatically assume it's a personal attack.
When I scream, curse, and stomp around, try to remember that's just the way I am.
What I Like About Being a EIGHT

being independent and self-reliant
being able to take charge and meet challenges head on
being courageous, straightforward, and honest
getting all the enjoyment I can out of life
supporting, empowering, and protecting those close to me
upholding just causes
What's Hard About Being a EIGHT

overwhelming people with my bluntness; scaring them away when I don't intend to
being restless and impatient with others' incompetence
sticking my neck out for people and receiving no appreciation for it
never forgetting injuries or injustices
putting too much pressure on myself
getting high blood pressure when people don't obey the rules or when things don't go right
EIGHTs as Children Often

are independent; have an inner strength and a fighting spirit
are sometimes loners
seize control so they won't be controlled
fugure out others' weaknesses
attack verbally or physically when provoked take charge in the family because they perceive themselves as the strongest, or grow up in difficult or abusive surroundings EIGHTs as Parents

are often loyal, caring, involved, and devoted
are sometimes overprotective
can be demanding, controlling, and rigid

Luciano Pavarotti dead at 71

An arena artist whose talents lured love from far beyond the narrow confines of the traditional classical music audience, and from whose rotund body rose one of the great voices of the 20th century.

That's all i can say...sighz...was checking for any updates of political news and then somehow, came across this, it was the news from 4 hours ago...it was at first really shocking to me, as in, my dad used to talk about that time when he watched Pavarotti and the other 2 tenors' performance a few years ago...and since young, i they were made familiar to me due to my dad's love for...erm...their voices..and...now one of them is dead...pavarotti...the most prominent one...life is so unpredictable siah?

----life...sighz........

梦

其实做梦也是一件很痛苦的事，很希望像有些人那样一睁眼到天亮~

每次做恶梦半夜醒来都很害怕 不知道醒来是不是解脱。

做梦的时候希望赶快醒来，而面对现实的时候希望只不过是梦一场.......

dreams.....

have been having many weird dreams lately... a few are related to ps. i am not very sure why this happens,may be because recently im too stressed. but why ps peopl? i duno also.

so last night and this morning, i had this long dream...okay, the front part i sort of cant remember already. but i remembered that jiayi got wounded, stabbed by someone, but vaguely i rmb is that he tried to save someone by you know...blocking that stab from that person, who's that person i forgot. then he was bleeding, but not very serious, and jy ian and i were together, then i rmb that we went back to sch, sat in a lab or sth, and waited for jy to be treated but jy was still standing up and talking to us, like not very affected by his wound but at times he's groaning in pain..aiya..yeah..very weird right? then after a while a lady came with a wheel chair and took jy away, then suddenly ian and i were walking on the street, and talking, we laughed and joked and...i forgot...what happened...but then all i rmb is that later, i ended up being alone, in a shopping centre i guess, then cheryl was there, then duno why she's pushing me around, as in...i think im either in a wheel chair or a chair with wheels...that can be pushed around, and i rmb very clearly i am not sick or wounded, im juz seating in the chair and being wheeled or pushed around by cheryl, talking to her and laughing, and she was telling me about her japan trip, then actually sth happened...we did many things together but now i forgot, the only thing that i rmb most vivdly is that she wheeled me to a booth, we stopped there, then she said she has some sweets from japan for the people, and if im not wrong, the 'people' here means ps people, cos we stopped at the booth, and it was man by ps people, think i saw yk but definitely there's gq, then cheryl dun wana pass the sweet to gq, so she passed everything to yk and told yk to distribute to others...then she run away happily together with me...erm...as in, im still in the wheel chair, so she like yeah, together with me lor, then on the way she like telling me heng that got yk to help her pass the thing to gq if not she duno how to pass to him...blahblahblah....then yeah...forgot what happened...actually a big part of my dream was in that shopping centre but i juz cant rmb le..

dreams are just so weird...u jump here and jump there, like...really...like suddenly the setting will change the environment and surroundings, but the characters in it dun feel it, they are like...so used to it...hmmmmm...wahahaha...sometimes...i dun wana wake up from my dreams, because...there's no worries inside that world, all ridiculous things are to be seen as normal, no one will fault you for doing anything and also, you dun have to be careful in doing anything...it's juz so care freee.......ahahahaha....i duno..after i came to nj, i've had many weird dreams, and all are related to my best friends. like...

1) yr1, juz came to nj, my OGL told us about the science blog 3rd floor gals toilet ghost story. then very soon i had this dream, that a few of us, were talking about the 3rd floor toilet and then my best friend karen went up to 3rd floor gals toilet and asked us to follow, even though we all were scared, duno why we still followed her, then we went in, and waited, she stayed in the cubicle for a long time and later we heard her talking...to someone, then later she came out, then we saw that there's a green colour ball thingy in that cubicle, then she ordered that thing to fly after me, then i started running, the thing was chasing me from behind. it was very scary in the dream, but when i wake up, i was laughing, duno why i was so scared in the dream, cos when i recall, the green thingy which i assume is the ghost, looks actually wuite cute...sighz....but it did leave a very deep impression on me...i can rmb that thing clearly even though it's like a yr ago...

2)...this one forgot most part of it, only rmb jy wanted to kill and and was holding a knife and running after me...for what reason i forgot and i also forgot the ending.

3) this yr, dreamt of prelima and Alevel lit paper, dreamt that the tcher actually spotted exactly the same qn...i flopped my lit prelim..then the tcher forced me to memorise the model ans for the prelim qns to prepare for Alevel, then when the real As came, i looked at the qn...it was exactly the same as the prelim lit qn...wowwwwwwww

4) dreamt that the guy that i 'an lian' for a long time was walking side by side with me, then he suddenly turned and said" actually i like you" then i was elated, then we like went on a date, played at palyground..aiya...juz had dun together...then at the end i realised that he's actually not the "him" that i like, he's a classmate of mine in yr GP class！ i was like...WTH???!!! that guy was the worse kind that i will ever meet laz...............................-_-''''

sighz......dreams may be cos i watcher "paprika"?????

busy days

it's been really busy for me these days, had GP prelim, and then focused on art coursework which really drove me crazy, broke down a few times and had really big conflicts with the tchers esp LPG. In the end Ms Lu and Ms Chan had to talk to me, oh well, i dun care, it's juz me, LPG yelled at me for no gd reasons and i wont tolerate such things, i never liked to compare him with mr low because to me, it is almost an insult to mr low as LPG is juz too far away, he's definitely not keen in tching, i really felt like telling him to fuck his ass somewhere else cos i dun wana see him fucking up my results. oh well...he suck and fullstop. no matter what ms lu and ms chan say, i will not forgive him, if not for him, i wont end up in such shit.

also sighz...now i duno what im doing alr...prelim is juz a few days later and i havent started my revision at all, not at all la. sighz.

oh yar cheryl, regarding the boyuan thingy. Cos that day we went for inspire prize giving and si jie asked by to help her take photos for that event. Then when we were waiting for the thing to start, we somehow juz chat and chat then reached u. Then he told me that he duno what's wrong, u are juz weird, daoing everyone in the exco,ehhh wait...let me try to recall..i kind of forget quite a bit...hmmm...i only rmb him saying they all duno why u dao them, and like...got attitude problem, everytime see ppl then not "shuang"...and he kept saying that he and the rest duno what happened...hmmmmmmmmmmm...then he also said sth like u are like the boss...sth like that la...yeah la...

errr......i'll update somemore...when im more free :P

tears meant nothing at this point of time. final breakdown.

sometimes, even when one has a clear mind of what to do, what to be achieved, what to be planned ahead, they will still end up not being able to complete task planned.

It is what happened to me today.

I planned to do at least 4 final prints by today, and i ended up doing nothing but crying. Silly siah? i actually ponned the whole day, the whole day, to do art and because of the inefficiency of the art teachers i ended up doing nothing today. Holy shit, then i was at one point so angry with mr lee that i dashed down the stairs like a ghost and heard from xinni that i freaked out jianhao, well, sorry then but...not my fault...i was really really super depressed. anyway...then i went into darkrm to take my file, still with the "hell pissed" face, and then all of them were shocked to see me, and ms chan actually asked" what's wrong wang mo?" (think they were having exco meeting), i totally ignored her. i was realli pissed.

ms lu is simply very biased and self centered, she's the ultimate kind, everyday rushes off to do her own things, not committed to be tcher at all,yeah, she's here only because she has to serve her 6 yrs bond.

ms chan is much nicer, more caring, but sometimes, she thinks to simply, she thinks that i cried because i was stressed. NO! i cried because i felt that it is unfair!

mr lee is juz a fat guy who can be rather funny at times but altogether a big lazy ass who's hard to catch and hard to argue with and hard to deal with and hard to work with and...gosh...im gona cry again...

and hate shen jiayi...he juz walked past like nothing's happened while i was crying like hell juz now.

am i wrong? forget it.

it's been a few days, i was really fumed on thurs night. Angry. i was so pissed with him. Perhaps it was because i was not used to him not obeying me. or was i simply not used to him standing up for himself?

oh well. it's true actually, that he dun owe me anything. cos i did all those things on my own will. ha ha. oh well...not saying that what i've pointed out on thurs were wrong, they were probably rather emotive, but the contents were pretty much factual. I do think that he is a self centered person. Just that, i have to admit here that everyone's self centered to a certain extent, wanting to achieve and being well liked and recognised might be his way of exerting self importance and gaining self confidence which...sometimes tend to give people the feeling that he's overly self centered. But honestly, who doesnt want to be well liked and who's not ambitious? I can't fault him for being extra-ordinary, more outstanding and clear minded than others can i? ha ha. it's my fault again? nope, it's nobody's fault or in another word, it's everyone's fault.

It's kind of funny how, i am always the one who encouraged him to stand up for himself, stop tolerating, stop "ren" things. And he did, first by not "ren" me...haha...retribution? oh well...of course my first reaction is anger, what could anyone imagined me to do? sit there and smile? nope, it's not me. But like what ian have said, there's this duality of character in me, this alterego, and yeah, one of me will react immediately, rash and without thinking, usually end up in awkward situations because i behaved unreasonably. Then the reasonable mo comes in later, and re-analyse the whoe issue/situation/event/incident and then will usually decide to apologise. And she will do it, one good thing about me is that i am thick skinned. One of the rare good traits?? oh well. and i really do tend to apologise even when im not completely wrong.

take for the ian's thing, i knew i was the one being wrong...like say 90%. so naturally i have to apologise. But for this jiayi's case, im at most 40% wrong...but i still felt like doing something. ha ha...only that this time, i dun feel like apologising but rather leaving the problem alone, which means i wont get pissed with it anymore. ha ha. hope i can do it.

wahhhhh

im gona get the momentum...busy busy...

10 days to coursework deadline
6days to GP prelim
36 days to GP Alevel
42 days to SAT exam...wahhhhhhhh

You dun owe me anything?

it is directed at me. i know. He's directing at me when he put "and mind u, treat others with respect as u would want them to treat u, and pls, i dun owe u anything" as his personal msg.

So you dun owe anything? yes, those presents were simply because i wanted to give you. Those care and concerns were simply because i like you and i wana give to you. SO u dun owe me anything. yes you dun u bastard. All these were because i am being "jian". it's my own fault.

Have you ever respected me? no you never did. You think it's call respect when you constantly ask me to help you straighten out problems between you and other girls? you think i have the freaking time to help you do all these when my coursework deadline is 11 days away, 7 days to my prelims and 37 days to my Alevel???

You. Better. Fuck. Off.

Shenjiayi. You used to be the best kind of guy i've ever seen but as time goes by, you emerged as one of the worse. Fuck off. i wonder when i will really tear your freaky fake and pretentious mask right in front of everybody. you are just lucky that you got the president post, if not for me who constantly persuaded other excos, if not for my vote, you think you could beat gq? mind you, you only had 1 vote during the 1st and 2nd round of votings. mind you, you did not come for more than 50% of the exco meetings and activities, mind you, you are only up here because you sucked up to teachers, mind you, you are as self centered as what you've said abt gq and yk. mind you, you are not even worth to be pitied. mind you, you juz suck. Stop taking my love and care and concerns for granted for you have no more chance, i would not give you anymore chance. fuck off. It's over between you and i, my infatuation has stopped and you are just like a piece of shit in my eyes now. Understand? a piece of shit.

He suck

too many sucky ppl ard these days.

LPG.
SJY.

seriously. SJY sucks. He suck. simply suck..suck

HE SCREWED UP MY LIFE..AND I WONT LET HIM SCREW IT FURTHER!

Today i went to school and slacked. Early in the morning, tot i was going to be late but i wasnt. And then went to art room and to my SURPRISE it is locked. So i got damn hell pissed off, and i went down to the atrium, thr. the stairs at the fountain, anyway, i looked super pissed. And then met mrs nair at the line, she's quite amused by my "email" on sat. night.

Went to take blue slip with Mrs Nair, and then to my suayness, we met sharon phua. She's such a bitch! she started questioning me about why am i taking the blue slip and things like that, and kind of embarrassed mrs nair in front of her, so lack of respect of her colleagues. sighz...she deserved to be hanged.

Anyway...after that female beast was gone, mrs nair happily signed the blue slip and let me go, then i went for pe, it was damn fun, i love handball:).

Then had art...was really frustrated with it, saw jy, and passed him my written "2nd wish"...we chatted quite happily at first, then we reached a point where he says that he can't sign the thing because he cant make sure that he wont fall sick, and wad the hell! and then after a while, i felt really weird, so i went into the darkroom and asked the rest of the ppl to get out and talked to him individually. I was serious, i was almost going to cry la. I asked him, why that we've been friends for so long and that he still doesnt understand me? why that he cant even just be a little less serious about things,i asked him why he dun wana sign. He said he think that such things are not necessary. so...if things that i deem necessary are unnecessary to you, then i really wonder why can are still friends. it's funny. so i laughed, and went out, and got duper pissed and sad...so i went to ceramics, and then cried and cried...i was so pissed with myself.

i knew he is selfish and self centered to a large extent, but i tot, after i've done so much for him, at least he might reciprocate a bit..like..say...if im always crazy, coming out with mad ideas, and if he's always sensible and serious, why cant he just be "crazy" for once and agree with my crazy idea for once juz to...simply make me feel happy for once???cant he see that im in such a bad mood these days? as a friend, he has not contributed anything towards this friendshipt, why am i obliged to be the one who's always pumping in for this friendship? if it's so hard to sustain, if it's so hard for him just to think for me a little more, then i guess i have nothing more to say. it's the end then. He fucked his way thr. he sucked his way up to the teachers, and he's damn hell well-liked and yeah, of course he doesnt need me to care for him, he's such a superb person, then why the hell am i doing all these? go and die la.

anyway, next time, in future, it will mean that, "got jy no wang mo, got wang mo no jy" over my dead body man!!!

I. HATE. SHEN. JIAYI.

MSN life without Shenjiayi--Day7

Sunday is a day where people rest. it's bad, i have conflict with the woman who gave birth to me again. for some stupid reason.

and i did SAT papers, did int. hist, did my personal reference, i am almost shamed t death man. Im really not used to boast about myself this way...

let me see what i have to do this weekend
1) Personal Reference
2) International History SBQ
3) International History essay outline
4) International History, Japanese economic miracle essay (over reliance on foreign market part)
5) Revise Southeast Asia Hist, ASEAN during the post 1975 period for SBQ test on monday
6) Art..complete 7 final images
7) Do SAT paper 2

hmm...so i did..1,4 and 7, and abit of 6 and a bit of 2...okiee....

I. Talked. To. Him.

mo: Everyone's destined to die, it's just a matter of time. says:
my second wish:
[jiayi] only dead or lazy fish swim with the stream says:
erm?
mo: Everyone's destined to die, it's just a matter of time. says:
must do
mo: Everyone's destined to die, it's just a matter of time. says:
MUST DO
[jiayi] only dead or lazy fish swim with the stream says:
u noe the requirements(:
mo: Everyone's destined to die, it's just a matter of time. says:
yes.
mo: Everyone's destined to die, it's just a matter of time. says:
my second wish: Take care of yourself, do not fall SICK. Don't die. DON'T.
[jiayi] only dead or lazy fish swim with the stream says:
huh?
[jiayi] only dead or lazy fish swim with the stream says:
why u suddenly say this?
mo: Everyone's destined to die, it's just a matter of time. says:
never mind
mo: Everyone's destined to die, it's just a matter of time. says:
promise?
[jiayi] only dead or lazy fish swim with the stream says:
yeah
[jiayi] only dead or lazy fish swim with the stream says:
i won't die wad
[jiayi] only dead or lazy fish swim with the stream says:
u ok?
mo: Everyone's destined to die, it's just a matter of time. says:
yeah.
mo: Everyone's destined to die, it's just a matter of time. says:
Thanks. Remeber my second wish.
[jiayi] only dead or lazy fish swim with the stream says:
yeah
mo: Everyone's destined to die, it's just a matter of time. says:
thanks.
mo: Everyone's destined to die, it's just a matter of time. says:
take care.
mo: Everyone's destined to die, it's just a matter of time. says:

[jiayi] only dead or lazy fish swim with the stream says:
is there any reason why u are saying this?
mo: Everyone's destined to die, it's just a matter of time. says:
i just dun want you to die///
[jiayi] only dead or lazy fish swim with the stream says:
haha, yeah
[jiayi] only dead or lazy fish swim with the stream says:
i promise u i won't(:
mo says:
if i died
mo says:
then u still have to keep the promise.
[jiayi] only dead or lazy fish swim with the stream says:
ooi
[jiayi] only dead or lazy fish swim with the stream says:
dun say such things
mo says:
promise?
[jiayi] only dead or lazy fish swim with the stream says:
u are not going to die
[jiayi] only dead or lazy fish swim with the stream says:
neither am i going going to
[jiayi] only dead or lazy fish swim with the stream says:
going yo*
[jiayi] only dead or lazy fish swim with the stream says:
dun any how think
mo says:
promise?
[jiayi] only dead or lazy fish swim with the stream says:
i will
[jiayi] only dead or lazy fish swim with the stream says:
but u are not going to die
mo says:
wait, i want to add on to the wish
mo says:
can?
[jiayi] only dead or lazy fish swim with the stream says:
err
[jiayi] only dead or lazy fish swim with the stream says:
k
mo says:
you must also make sure that
[jiayi] only dead or lazy fish swim with the stream says:
that?
mo says:
erm
mo says:
you will be happy and successful in future
mo says:
can?
mo says:
promise?
[jiayi] only dead or lazy fish swim with the stream says:
yeah
[jiayi] only dead or lazy fish swim with the stream says:
can
[jiayi] only dead or lazy fish swim with the stream says:
are u seriously alright?
mo says:
you think im crazy?
mo says:
no im not.
[jiayi] only dead or lazy fish swim with the stream says:
nono
[jiayi] only dead or lazy fish swim with the stream says:
i noe u are not crazy
[jiayi] only dead or lazy fish swim with the stream says:
i am just asking if u are feeling alright?
mo says:
so you promised.
mo says:
thanks
[jiayi] only dead or lazy fish swim with the stream says:
yup
[jiayi] only dead or lazy fish swim with the stream says:
(:
[jiayi] only dead or lazy fish swim with the stream says:
take care


Because...if im really going to die, the person whom im really worried for is him. He's such a 工作狂..i duno, he used to be very busy, is very busy now and will be very busy in future i guess. and thus he tends to neglect his health. Like skipping breakfast, lunch or dinner or...sleeping late, and over exhausting himself. i want him to be healthy, so i spend the second wish on that. i will not regret abt it.

MSN Life without Shenjiayi---Day6 (death is not far away...i realised)

Today is funny. My parents can't wait for me to go for the body screening. SO i went there early in the morning. Really early, and i din eat breakfast T.T...cos mum said shld not eat anything, might affect the result,she's juz refusing to believe the truth. Trying to think that the last test is inaccurate? i doubt it. Anyway, im not afraid, so what...everyone's destined to die, it's just a matter of time, some live to a longer life while some live to a shorter life. No big deal, i kept on asking myself, what if i were to die tmr, will i have any regrets? will i miss anyone or anything on this Earth? and the ans is kind of pathetic. sighz...

The process was cool...i went into the room, and the nurse rubbed and did all the work in a super skilled manner, i did not feel any pain...in a split second and then it's done. how amazing. but the later part is kind of messy...because, my blood cant seem to stop...weird? weird. oops...may be there's really something wrong with me, the nurse looked at me in a weird way. so what...

Then went to the doc, he listened to my heart, before that, he asked if i have any health problem...and i told him NO. im not sure why i emphasized on the NO. may be deep inside, im also refusing to admit the truth? may be i also rather believe im healthy. actually i am, why shld i say i have problem when im perfectly ok right now? who knows...i hate doctors...they might be bluffing me. i still can run, can talk, can do analytical thinking, can.....do a lot of things!...and im gd at table tennis, badminton, soccer, handball, tennis, iceskating, rollerblading...many things! how can i be having any bloody problem??? it must be a mistake.

oh...went to tale x-ray too...checking for wad? duno..and urine...and brain thingy...juz you lie down and then they'move' you into this machine thingy...duno...have to change onto their purple thingy...look like sleeping gown:P...or jap clothes...wadever...i din do those the previous time. ha ha...may be this time they'll tell me i have brain cancer! ha ha...wadever...wadever the case, im not gona stay in hospital...not gona wait to die...

oh........how i hope tmr never comes.....
i need time...i still have many things not done...what if...i die before i could tell him i love him??? shit shit...duno why...my life is turning into an obvious cliche..like a Korean TV drama....sighz...serects are meant to be buried??? 也许这个"我爱你"的秘密真的会随我长眠于地下也说不定呢。。。

死亡。。很可怕吗？